I am not vain enough to assume that you, dear Internet, actually have a vested interest in my life and keep track of what happens in our little corner of DC. Most of you probably just check in from time to time to see if we have babies yet, because we all know that that is when blogs get really interesting, and I am a full 1-3 kids behind most of the people I graduated with, not to mention before. Sorry all, no babies.

But in case you have been on pins and needles since I announced my wisdom tooth plight a couple weeks ago, I wanted to provide an update on my operation and subsequent convalescence. Because what good is a blog if I can’t whine about the first world luxury of modern dental care and the miracle that is Jello?

When I mentioned on here that I was concerned about who would take me to have my teeth pulled since James would be gone, I was so touched by the outpouring of support. So many people texted, emailed, called, Facebooked, etc. to offer to look after my drooling self. Even though I have only been James-less in DC  for a week after being in Kentucky, I feel so blessed by the friends that have looked out for me. My procedure was on the easy end of the wisdom tooth spectrum, as my bottom ones were pulled in high school and the top ones had come all the way in and just needed to be extracted. Thus, I was only knocked out for about 20 minutes and the oral surgeon predicted a speedy recovery with no fear of dry sockets and no need for those squirty bottles that clean out the wound. Just me, a lot of bloody gauze, and some rocking pain pills- none of that noble silent suffering without meds for me.

Our sweet friends Laurie Anne and Taylor came with me and played babysitter throughout the morning. I am thankful to them for filling my meds, driving me home, setting me up with Netflix, yogurt, water, and generally making sure I made it. But I am most thankful to them for filming my drive home. Since I wasn’t out long, I wasn’t totally out in the car ride home. Instead, I was just ridiculous, opinionated, and very, very chatty. Admittedly, this isn’t very different than my usual state, only plus narcotics. I remember having pleasant conversation, but when Laurie Anne sent me the videos, I was astounded about the passionate opinions I shared under the influence of medication.

Were I a person with less self-respect, no plans for a career, or a desire to have a humiliating video go viral, I would share the videos here. If you are someone who actually knows me, feel free to text me if you want to see them. As for you, dear Internet, I will pass on some transcripts and spare you the truly unattractive gauze-swollen face and bad breakout I had going on.

• The last thing I remember before I was knocked out was asking the nurse if I could keep the teeth and she informed me that they are considered biohazard material and must be tossed. When I “came too” I was still stuck on this and spent most of the car ride home bemoaning the injustice: “They’re gone… and they’re like… I wanted to keep them and they wouldn’t let me… I’m really upset because… it’s just not just and I just feel like they should have let me keep them. Because, I GREW THEM… they didn’t grow them… I GREW them… They are my property, you know? They will probably sell them on the black market for teeth implants…. I bet they were like MINING for teeth… I bet they are going to sell the other one [one had a cavity]… You could get top dollar…I bet you could get like four or five thousand dollars…. There are people that don’t have teeth… I met them in Kentucky. They don’t have no teeth…. That lady was very nice, but I feel like… I feel like I was robbed. I think we should break in and get them back…. I was thinking, it would be easier if we were in Harry Potter and we could be like EXPELLIARMUS TOOTH! … And then we could grab them and the dentist couldn’t have them… I just feel like… that would be easier.”(Obviously, non-drugged Hannah might have thought of a better spell, but there you have it.)
• Laurie Anne and Taylor then proceeded to tell me about their sweet dog who was recently attacked by a black lab. I responded: “She’s just a victim… black labs are no good. When you see one . . . you have to climb a tree.”
• They also mentioned that they are moving to AZ and I astutely noted: “The snow here… one time it was so cold that it snowed IN our apartment.”
• For some inexplicable reason, I started talking about the Old Testament, offering sage spiritual advice: “That’s why you gotta do what God tells you…. or… he’ll just screw you over and open the ground and you’ll fall in… that happened… in the Bible… It was a long time ago… like over 50 years ago.”
•  And finally, as we were parking and Laurie Anne commented on the beautiful blue door on our neighbor’s house, I thought of a great plan: “I bet I could steal it [insert awesome arm flopping]… I could just… get it… off the hinges…. and then… I could hang it on my wall like Pinterest.”

Don’t worry – this amazing fruit smoothie was consumed without a straw. And made from three day-old fruit salad because that’s how we roll around here.

After a morning of snoozing and TV, I felt pretty good, and deeply amused by my earlier commentary. It appears that my drugged-up alter-ego is a tooth selling thief with a fear of God and black labs. Good to know.

Really, this convalescing thing is kind of awesome. I am eating all the foods I usually don’t permit myself (read: runny Kraft mac-n-cheese and lots of strawberry Jello) and I am burning through various TV series. I discovered just in time that season three of Call the Midwife was about to expire from PBS and so I have been blazing through all the episodes, cringing at the seemingly very real representations of 1950’s birth in London’s East end. Seriously people, I’m all about women having the freedom to give birth where they want, but every time someone tells me they don’t want a hospital birth because they are just “so sterile” I think…. isn’t that how they are supposed to be? Sterile. Clean. Shiny. Count me in.

Now then. Back to convalescing. In his absence, James hid a gift card to a local gelato shop in our bookcase for me to find. I’m planning a big outing today for some creamy goodness. I might even change from my pjs and wash my face.

Maybe. Wouldn’t want to push it. No sense in rushing recovery.

Anyone else have crazy wisdom teeth/ any other surgery stories?