35 weeks.

35 weeks-1I used to wonder why everyone did the humorously mysterious “gaze-down and let hair fall to inspect bump” pic. But now, at 35 weeks, I totally get it. My chin has recently started carrying the long lost twin to my womb baby and I just don’t mind if I do hide that behind a veil of hair/braid/weather inappropriate neck scarf/etc. I know you were just dying for that every 5 week post dedicated solely to pregnancy happenings (versus the normal tenor of the blog where I almost never even bring up this bundle of love- ha), so here it is.

35 weeks! As in, baby is coming SOON! As in, I’m kind of over being pregnant, but still not really prepared. We have lengthy to-do lists for these last weeks, but somehow they usually get ignored for more time in bed or trying to finish the last season of The Office. We have also officially reached the point where I just feel pretty uncomfortable. Last week I was in the middle of a 7 mile run (with walk breaks mind you – those started around 30 weeks and have been lengthening), and at one point I just stopped abruptly and announced to my running partner that I was done. Not with this run, but with running- period. The slamming of this kid into my pelvic girdle had just become too much and I was over it. Last night I was moaning to James about how everything just kind of hurts and he nobly asked what he could do to help, imagining grand sacrifices. Nope. What I need is someone to pick up my pen when I drop it, or retrieve the remote when I am settled in the couch and it falls to the floor, or tie my shoes, or do any and all mundane tasks that involve bending over. And really, all I want is cake. Cake in the morning, cake in the evening, cake all the time.

But on the plus side, this kid now moves so aggressively that we can see it on the outside of my stomach, which is both super fascinating, and the most disturbing thing ever.

As the due date grows nearer, I also started experiencing new waves of fear. Birth fear, like what happens if something goes wrong, and practical fear, like how on earth is he supposed to find more room in there to grow over the next five weeks. But also fear about this deeply flawed world that he is entering. It is not the world I want for him. It is a world where wrong usually wins, evil cloaks itself as good, and lies are everywhere. As I get closer and closer to holding him, I pray harder and harder that he enters this world with a spirit that can discern truth. Yes, parents teach and instruct, but I am praying for a little soul blessed with discernment beyond what I have, what I am capable of imparting.

I want him to know truth and be able to sort through all the lies he will hear throughout his life. When our culture lies to him, telling him that masculinity is a divine right to oppress and marginalize those weaker than him, I want him to know the truth. When politicians and our government lie to him, spewing hatred and falsehood, I want him to know the truth. When our society lies to him, telling him that work is worthless and that he is entitled to anything he wants without sacrifice, I want him to know the truth. When his peers  lie to him, telling him that he is more if he can make others seem less, I want him to know the truth. When the church lies to him, manipulating God and scripture to say what we want it to say, I want him to know the truth. And when I lie to him, letting my own fears and insecurity seep into what I say and do, I want him to know the truth. I want him to have a spirit that can see through the lies that we all tell, all spread, all believe everyday. I want so much more for him too, so many big dreams and happy days. I pray for lots of things, from the friends he will make to what school to choose one day to desperate prayers that his shoulders and head be nice and small when I have to actually push him out.  But if I had to pick just one thing, this would be my single prayer: that this child has eyes to see truth, discernment to choose it, and strength to do what it demands. 35 weeks7

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10 Responses to 35 weeks.

  1. Genevieve says:

    Hi Hannah, I live in England and have been following for a while. It’s completely random but would very much like to send you a gift to bless you and your family for the baby. If you could send an address your must comfortable with, will send a gift in the next couple of weeks. God bless xx

  2. loganhahn says:

    Great post! I think recognizing our fears and sort of naming them in a sense kind of softens the scariness of what our fear is coming from when we face it. Thanks for sharing your heart!

    This might be totally lame, but I have to ask: How do you make your pictures side by side with such high quality? Any time I try to do that on my own blog, the photos are blurry and the image quality is horrible. I’ve tried looking up the answer to this, but tech-y things are not my forte.

    • Hannah says:

      Thanks girl!
      And I actually make them as a collage in photoshop and then just upload it as one image, sized about 5 inches across. I hope that helps!

  3. kmkersting says:

    Hannah, sometimes I really think we are kindred spirits 🙂 Husband and I are rewatching all seasons of The Office right now and will probably be trying to finish them up before baby comes, too! (and we just found out there is a little HE in there!)

    Thank you for these words…I couldn’t agree more! In a world that can so easily deceive and lie to us, I want the next generation to be able to sift through them and know what is true and good!

    • Hannah says:

      YAY FOR BABY BOYS!!!! I want everyone to join the boy club now that we are staunchly there. And there is just something so much fun about ending the day with a quick laugh over a good show!!! Great minds have great taste. ; )

  4. joannie6535 says:

    Now that is a prayer!

  5. Margaret M. says:

    Beautifully said, Hannah. A prayer for all our children!

  6. Oh my goodness, you went from pregnancy cravings and kicks to prayer and spiritual hope for your son so quickly, I had an intense wave of unexpected emotion. I’m so thankful for your heart and hope and prayers and for parents like you who are luminaries in this dark and perverted age.

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