The honest book, the one of crucial intel that they absolutely did not tell us at that 4 hour class we did before giving birth, the one where the sweet nurse instructing us has to pause the whole course because James looked like he was going to faint. I mean the real books of parenting. The ones, not of ideals, but of survival truths from the trenches. Here they are, the titles that you won’t find at your local book purveyor, but will find on the hearts and mind of every parent. And so, from the author who brought you baby dissertations, working titles for my parenting book:
Tell Them It’s Naptime: How to Guarantee Independent Play at Inopportune Times
You Should Have Eaten Your Eggs at Breakfast: Explanations For Any Harm that Befalls Your Toddler
“Drowsy but Awake” and Other Lies We Tell New Parents
She’ll Do It When She’s Ready, Or When We Suddenly Decide It Should Have Already Happened And Freak Out: A developmental guide to the first four years
How To Get Things Out Of Places They Never Should Have Gone: A Manuel For Retrieval
Eat Your Pizza Or No Ice Cream: Alternative Nutrition Practices Of Tired Parents
Landmines: Detailed Map of Target Providing Routes To All Essentials That Avoid The Toy Aisle
“Flopping Gets Dropping,” and Other Maxims That Don’t Make the Letterboard Cut
100 One-handed Dinners You Can Make While Holding a Fussy Newborn.
If they die, they die: Coping With the Psychological Warfare of a Hunger Striking Toddler
Vaccines, Cry it Out, and Other Triggers to Avoid in Preliminary Playdates
Floppy Feet: Why buying shoes 3 sizes too big so they have “room to grow” will most certainly end with a child needing stitches but still seem like it was a good idea
I love you endlessly and forever but please leave me alone to pee: How living the life you want can still be exhausting.
Because even if I had read all the books and their endless warnings – I still would have chosen to do this.