It might seem odd that on this, our one-year anniversary, I am beginning a post with the declaration that my husband is not my soul mate. But he isn’t.
I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I wouldn’t want to married to anyone else other than James, which is good, because I plan on being married to him forever, and he has to let me die first.
But I reject the entire premise of soul mates.
Do you remember those awesome Evangelical 90’s/ early 2000’s where Jesus was kind of like our boyfriend and we all kissed dating good-bye because we just knew that God was going to bring us THE ONE and then life would be awesome? And THE ONE would most likely be a worship minister, or at the very least a youth pastor, and we would have to be in college when we would meet at some sort of rally to save children from disease or something. We would know that he was THE ONE because of his plethora of WWJD bracelets and because (duh) he had also kissed dating goodbye and was waiting for me, strumming Chris Tomlin songs on his guitar as he stared into whatever campfire was nearby. We would get married and it would be awesome FOREVER. If you were like me, in devote preparation for this moment, you wrote letters to your future spouse, preferably in a leather bound journal dotted with your overwhelmed tears. Yes, I actually did that. Suffice to say that I found this journal over Christmas break and it was so embarrassingly awful and emotional that I couldn’t even read it out-loud to James because I was crying from laughing so hard.
But then my theologian biblical scholar father shattered my dreams by informing me that God doesn’t have a husband for me, doesn’t have a plan for who I marry. NOT TRUE I scolded him, attacking him with the full force of Jeremiah 29:11 that God “knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,” and obviously that means a hott Christian husband because God “delights in giving me the desires of my heart.” He slammed through my horrible (yet popular) biblical abuse by reminding me that the first verse applied to the people of Israel in regards to a specific time and just didn’t even dignify my horrible abuse of the second verse with a rebuttal. Nope, he said, a husband is not only not a biblical promise, it is also not a specific element of God’s “plan for my life.” God’s plan is for us to be made more holy, more like Christ… not marry a certain person. (This advice was also used when I asked what college God wanted me to go to, accompanied I think by, “God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.” )
And then he gave me some of the best relationship advice I ever got: There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting.
This is profoundly unromantic advice. We love to hear of people who “just can’t help who they love,” or people who “fall in love,” or “find the one person meant for them.” Even within the Christian circle, we love to talk about how God “had someone” for someone else for all of time. But what happens to these people when the unstoppable and uncontrollable force that prompted them to start loving, lets them stop loving, or love someone else? 
What happens is a world where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy.
My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love (in theory, don’t imagine that many others were lined up and knocking at the door). He is not some elusive soul mate, not some divine fullfulment, not some perfect step on the rigorously laid out but of so secret “Plan for My Life.”
But he is the person that I giggly chose to go out on a date with in college. He is the person who chose to not dump me when I announced that I was moving to France for a year, then Kentucky for another year. He is the person who asked me to move to DC and I chose to do so. He is the person who decided to ask me to marry him and I agreed. At any step here, we could have made other choices and you know what? We might have married other people, or stayed single, and had happy and full lives.
But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.
I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.
Someday I hope to have daughters and sons. I am going to pray for their futures everyday, and I will pray for who they might marry, but also what job they will have, who their friends will be, and most of all, that they delight in becoming more like Christ. But when my daughters come home starry-eyed from camp announcing that they can’t wait till the day they meet the man God has for them, I will probably pop their bubble and remind them that God doesn’t have a husband stored away somewhere for them.
He has a whole life, one of rich and abundant choices. And it is awesome. 
Oh, and for the record — I like James so much more than my imaginary, obnoxiously religious, youth pastor future husband. When I asked him if he had written Future Me letters as a child, he told me he was too busy memorizing Pink Floyd lyrics. But then he ran in the next room and wrote down what 14-year old James would have said in a letter to 14-year old Hannah: “I hope you’re hott.” That’s why boys didn’t get swept up in that movement… they knew the truth all along.
(Also for the record, I actually think a lot of the high Evangelical movement was awesome, especially in so far as it made young people do a ridiculous amount of churchy activities so that we weren’t out doing drugs or at home watching re-runs because we didn’t even have Netflix yet. I was at youth group every time those doors were open and I LOVED it. )
*All photos are by the wonder that is Whitney Neal Photography.
Update: This was a post to share a little bit of my heart with the [normally very small group of] people who read here. However, as it has been read more widely, please know that it was not to start a lengthy debate on the Internet. If your comment is rude, vulgar, excessively unkind, or fosters bickering, it will be removed. I appreciate reading all your comments, but I will also no longer be responding on this post.
The Art in Life 
My most favorite yet! If only we could go back to 14-year-old Ashley and Hannah and tell them to shut up and get over that shaggy-haired mission trip leader playing the guitar covered in north face stickers. That was probably just 14-year-old me. I’m sure you had MUCH better taste in hypothetical husbands.
That is basically EXACTLY who I hoped God had for me!!!! I am SO GLAD he didn’t give me the desires of my heart. Because my heart also thought that the Backstreet Boys were profound and that glitter was appropriate makeup for all occasions. Ok, so my heart still believes that last one.
And your heart would be right.
Perhaps, but even though James isn’t my soul mate, I do want to keep him around and he won’t come near my face if it is sparkly. He firmly believes that glitter is the “Herpes of craft supplies,” and wants to avoid catching it.
The heart is treacherous… so it’s a good thing you didn’t get what your heart wanted at age 14. 😉
For soooooo many reasons, you are right. : )
Lol. Agreed. I could relate to practically all of this – at times, embarrassingly so.
your husband memorized Pink Floyd lyrics and hates glitter? we could be friends.
thanks for sharing!
The Backstreet Boys are profound…
Hi Hannah,
Your recent post is a huge hit on Facebook and I really, really enjoyed reading it. I was so encouraged. Thank you!
I was wondering if I could email you? I have some personal questions about relationships and would love to get your perspective.
I hope to hear from you! Have a blessed day!
I think glitter is for all occasions and I am 43 years old! Lol!
Backstreet Boys………..!me too that’s what i tho too.
But very enlightening,thank you!
Ha! …glitter.
great post. xoxo.
Oh my, Hannah, this just made my day. I now have to physically close my mouth when I see glittery makeup that makes your whole face just sparkle like a metallic ticker tape parade and try not to snort with laughter when I hear..New Kids on the Block…the hubs and I keep it on the ipod for a “retro” laugh.
For the record, I never did the journal or the list, pretty much out of laziness. I was supposed to, but I never got around to it. I am so glad you wrote this post, though. I still see some youth leaders preaching this and I think– the choices are ours, but God makes them beautiful if we offer them to him. I’ve been married almost 11 years, and my vision of “sexy” and “perfect” and “man I dreamed of marrying” have drastically changed, I think for the better.
You’re amazing. Thanks for sharing.
^^^^^”The Herpes of craft supplies.” That made me laugh so hard.
This is the first post of yours I’ve ever seen, and I must say, it is awesome! My mom showed it to me and my older sister and it caused a whole discussion at dinner because it is so much different that what we had ever been told before. I guess I’ve never thought about it as I have a choice, and it makes it a little more exciting to look forward to the day when I may, (or may not) meet that someone. It’s nice to be reminded that God does give us a free will.
Lol, my heart also believes that last one. And God knows better, sometimes it just takes a long time to realize it.
thanks…for that last comment LOL!
James, Joshuastar, and my husband could all be friends – memorizing Pink Floyd and hating glitter. I do glitter tattoos on my kids at home, and Ken spends the next entire week grumbling and muttering about finding glitter in unorthodox places. Then he retreats to his electric guitar-filled man cave to take out his frustrations with Pink Floyd.
YESSSS a man cave with guitarS… My kind of place!!! Oh wait… Im in one now.. MINE!! LOL
Can someone start a glitter-hating support group for husbands? I will be the first to join!
I didn’t realize that glitter was such a hated commodity among men until I read this. I now understand why my son almost hyperventilated when his daughter (our precious granddaughter) came out from her bedroom in her glittery princess dress (we were SKYPEing) and he kept saying, “Don’t you dare sit anywhere with that dress on.” I asked him what the problem was, and he couldn’t believe that I was making fun of him worrying about sitting on glitter and getting it on his bottom. If you begin a men-hate-glitter club I think I could get him to run for the president’s office! Love your post!
Well said. If we are living life for the express purpose of ‘finding’ THE spouse (or ANY spouse at all) we’re missing the mark aren’t we? Live a life reflecting Christ and you have a shot at being a woman worth marrying! I would like to share your thoughts with the girls I lead in small group. We’re gearing up for a study on Relationships (the biblical kind) this fall. I also think this post would go well with “Decision Making and the Will of God”… I highly recommend, if you can find the sermon online somewhere. 🙂
Garry Freisen, a professor at Multnomah Seminary, wrote a book titled, “Decision Making and the Will of God: A Biblical Alternative to the Traditional View,” that is quite good.
My pastor, J. Robin Maxson, co-authored “Decision Making and the Will of God” and he just published a new book that fits incredibly well with this whole conversation titled, “Singleness, Marriage, and the Will of God”. I would highly recommend it as a resource for your girls’ group study. Here’s a link. http://www.amazon.com/Singleness-Marriage-Will-God-Comprehensive/dp/0736945490 Good job teaching girls how to live in pursuit of God and good luck!
speaking as a shaggy haired mission trip leader (im working with YouthWorks this summer) who incidentally plays guitar, im not really a fan of this comment.
personal situation aside, i think stereotyping people is probably a bad way to interact with them, let alone look for someone to spend your life with. for instance, this stereotype misses pretty much everything that makes me the person i am.
Josh P, agreed. Stereotyping is not good, but you can break the mold. I think the blogger is just commenting on what happened in her life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with shaggy haired mission trip leaders, and definitely not ones who play the guitar 😉 Own it! Also, I am so glad someone finally cleared up the verse Jeremiah 29:11. So often misinterpreted and put on cards without context. It applies to a specific nation at a specific time. But, does God also know the plans He has for us?…(blogger care to comment on whether marriage or singleness is a plan of God or just a detail? seems like a pretty big detail not to have “nailed down”…thoughts?)
I’m so sorry, my comment was not meant to offend. Some of my most treasured memories were from (Youthworks) mission trips and I am friends with several of the leaders I met there to this day. I mean to comment more on my own standards and the things I looked for as a young girl (Shaggy hair, check. Mad guitar playing skills, check. Chacos, check.) I was immature and much less concerned about the heart and character of a man than I was his “Christian persona”. If I were to meet a guitar playing, chaco wearing, shaggy haired dreamboat tomorrow… and he possessed the values and personality I have come (as an adult) to learn I want/need in a partner, I would probably just drop dead from excitement. Not that the leaders didn’t have these traits at the time, I just wasn’t looking…
Hahaha….Waaaaa. C’mon Josh P buddy, don’t be so sensitive (You’re a little at risk of proving the stereotype right :S ). Understand what the author is actually saying. It’s much more of a caricature about a stereotype of a “person” than actually about a person, and honestly…she is spot on!
Hallelujah and Amen! Its about time people stop incorporating Hollywood into Christianity or blaming the devil for using what God gave us…Freewill.
Naomi. So often Freewill is mistaken. We have the Freewill to fly but have not got the ability. We have Freewill to become Christians but not the ability. Without the conviction of the Holy Spirit in our life we have not the ability to come to Christ. Many people giving testimony say they gave their life to Christ, scripture says different, you where chosen before the foundations of the world. It was all from God and nothing to do with us.
Naomi & Hollis,
I look at the freewill topic this way:
Without a regenerated heart our freewill is carnal selfish motivation…the desires of the “old man”.
With a regenerated heart our freewill is Christian-servant motivation…loving God and loving others… the desires of the “new man”.
Some people are just not “lovable”… and some are not “forgive-able” and no amount of soul-effort can make us love or forgive, but God can change the heart to care and and see anew such that we use our freewill to choose to love the unlovable…and even to forgive the unforgivable.
Why do we choose that way…because that is our new way…it becomes the only action that makes sense… so it really isn’t a freewill choice any more than breathing is a free will choice. There is no choosing in the matter, only honor…it becomes the only way possible to go because we no long have a heart for any other way.
So what happened… we lay dawn our free will at the Cross of Christ for His will. This I think is a mistake people often make about freewill. It’s the matter of working out our salvation….
When it comes to a life walking with the Helper and the overflowing of the unfathomable love of God and His incomprehensible amazing Grace, who needs freewill… it is really foolish to hang onto it…I take the Will of God over my freewill any day!
the replies to this comment include a discussion of free will.
Here’s my experience: Before I gave my life to the One who called me to be His own, I wasn’t free; I was a slave to sin and death. All of me was not free.
Once I gave Him all of me, my will and the rest of me became free.
Brilliant writing and thank you so much for bursting our North American Christian bubble of “falling in love”. Marriage is a very special union created by God but movies and American society glamorize this perfect euphoric fantasy experience that lasts forever. True love lasts forever but is nothing like what it is portrayed to be.
Jesus must be our first and only love. God in His wisdom created Adam before Eve, so Adam would learn to find his value and fulfillment in God first and not his partner. While human beings are created to be in horizontal relationship our horizontal relationships are only fulfilling when our vertical relationship with the Father is the foundation of life. In our American culture I would guess that most marriages are actually idolatry and very disappointing to God because we place our spouse above our relationship with God.
I love everything about this article because it frees people from the obsession and paralyzing fear of missing God’s will and finding the right person. However, if our Father knows every hair on our heads (Matthew 6) and pre-planned every single day of our lives before we even lived one (Psalms 139:16) wouldn’t this plan by very application include the person we would marry? It is important not to get lost in the fundamentalism of pre-destination where we are hopelessly stuck and destined to follow God like robots. For human beings to be purely pre-destined in nature God could not have created mankind with a freewill. We are freewill beings with the freedom to make freewill choices.
I see God’s plan for our lives like a map. The Father has a perfect plan for our lives and a perfect eternal destination. As we adventure through this journey GPS (God’s perfect-guiding system – The Holy Spirit) gently speaks (like the voice on GPS when you are driving) go left or go right each day of this great journey called life. The Bible conveys a detailed specific Father who cares about every detail of His child’s life. He does not expect us to find our own way home or plan out every detail of our lives because He knows as finite human beings we are helplessly lost without Him.
This is why He sends the Holy Spirit our GPS (God’s perfect guiding system) to guide us on the most direct, eternally meaningful and earthly productive life possible. For those who are starting to get scared about predestination, don’t worry, God loves us so much that he allows us to choose our own path and chart our own course in life. We can make a million mistakes and like the prodigal son completely walk away from God’s plan for our lives.
But what is so amazing about God’s plan for our lives is that no matter where we go or what we do, we can never void or destroy His plan. In Psalm 139 David realizes there is no where one can go to escape God. Even if I make my bed in the heights of heaven or in the depths of hell you are still there. There is no where I can go to escape your spirit!
One time when I was driving in my car, I took a million wrong turns and ended up driving a hundred miles in the opposite direction of my destination. Yet, no matter how far away I drove, my GPS kept recalibrating and recalculating the most direct and efficient route to my original destination.
This simple example reveals the profound, unfathomable and amazing power of God’s grace for us. All of us made mistakes. Some of us have lived in rebellion and purposely chosen a path in the complete opposite direction of God’s plan. Yet, just like my driving catastrophe, no matter how many wrong turns you have made, no matter how far away from God’s perfect plan you are, your loving Father has already engineered and re-calibrated a perfect script to live the most eternally meaningful life possible.
God’s grace contains unlimited power. God can do more with an 80 year old drug dealer who completely surrenders his life to Jesus than a nominal Christian who has lived a very religious life. This is a most important truth because it means no matter who you are or what you have done there is GREAT hope for you today. Many think that I have made too many mistakes or taken too many wrong turns to follow God’s plan. This is scary and inaccurate thinking many of us embrace. But the truth is following God’s plan has nothing to do with your past and is only dependent on the decision you will make today.
Marriage is one area that makes understanding God’s plan infinitely complex. Maybe if you faithfully followed God through teenage years you would meet a really devoted Christian spouse and together significantly further God’s kingdom in the earth for many years. But instead you decide to live in rebellion from God during teenage years and completely walk away from God for 30 years. At the age of fifty you return to God and live a intensely devoted life serving God and never marrying like the Apostle Paul.
Like the GPS in my car, it seems that the Holy Spirit takes our current position and continually re-calibrates the best plan for marriage (or not marriage) and all details of life. What an amazing and freeing thought! You no longer have to worry about missing God’s plan or soul mate for your life. But at the same time, we can rest in knowing that God’s perfect-guiding system is taking our current position and leading us in the best path to our eternal home with Him.
What freedom! What joy! Release from the chains of searching for my “soul-mate” but still anchored secure in the truth that through God’s perfect-guiding system my Father still has a perfect plan to best glorify Him in the remaining days of this earthly adventure and most effectively chart my course to my eternal home.
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I love the analogy of the GPS. The original post, and your reply should be the stuff of a brand new book on living the Christian life in a cafeteria of choices. How many people live strait-jacketed lives now because they believed every move they made might be the wrong one…so they just didn’t make any decisions…and let life “happen” to them. I wish I’d read this post 50 years ago!
Joel, amen and amen!! I was linked to this blog post by a blogger that I respect–and this post made me uneasy. You summed up my feelings and wanted-response to this post. Ben, I also wholehearted agree with your responses further down in this comment thread. Point of reference here, I just celebrated our 25th anniversary and my son is getting married in two weeks–and I prayed for his godly bride since the day we brought him home, and seeing how they were brought together in life–I KNOW was not happenstance or random.
What a great way to think about this. Thank you for the insight…
What a lovely response! We should never discount the power of the Holy Spirit.
Thank you for this! Like Chris said, I felt uneasy after reading this. I decided to come back a day later and read the comments, and I’m glad I found yours.
Joel, quick question. Is perfect guiding one word or two?Just trying to make sure my GPS (or GPGS) is calibrating correctly. Also, I wanted to point out, if your GPS lets you go 100 miles in the opposite direction, you might want to get a new GPS (or once again, GPGS)…by the way, is this an actual sermon? I would love to get a podcast of it so I can listen to that along with my GPS/GPGS.
Great post!
I think we struggle with all this because we only have our context to explain God’s ways..so each explanation is liner and simplistic, while profound, yet His nature is beyond our greatest imagination. That’s why one aspect of God makes sense for one person but seems contra-wise for another person..yet He is “both-and”. While each individual witness is true, each is only in part of the Full Truth. How much does one need to know about the his next step if one is in trusted relationship and fellowship with the Holy Spirit? “He will guide you in all things.”
I think we spend too much effort trying to understand…The Holy Spirit guided me once by saying “Trust does not require understanding”. I learned that trust leads to understanding.
I love the sentiment of the original article, I have for a long time, been telling people (when they will listen) that a relationship requires commitment – believing in the ‘perfect match’ can be an excuse to walk away when things get tricky as if just realising that this isn’t the perfect one, when it is often our commitment that is flawed. When people say they fell out of love, I believe they are often really saying that the commitment was just not there…
It is pretty much unavoidable to bring predestination into our thinking on marriage partners, and I think the road map analogy is a good start but has some flaws. This analogy supposes that we are in a way, frustrating our Father by making ‘changes’ to the route, but my understanding of it is that He already knows the route we will take. We don’t really ‘stray’ from a fixed ‘ideal route’ although we certainly ‘stray’ in the sense that we are often found doing less Godly things. For me, predestination is acknowledgement that God sees time, not as we see time (a fixed linear measured parameter), but as someone who is genuinely outside of time. God can see our entire life at one time, all of our entirely personal decisions – he sees them and he allows us to make them.
The idea that we stray from a plan is not really a damaging one and is probably helpful for many circumstances, but I believe it gives us a slightly wrong perspective. It’s not something that is easy to explain in a few sentences, so I hope enough of this thinking comes across to start a few people thinking.
A ‘side-effect’ of this contemplation of predestination has been this: in thinking about how God is outside time, I have realised that when we are finally with Him, we will also be outside time. It was a worry to me as a youngster to hear people talking about an ‘eternity’ in heaven – seems like an awful long time….except it will not be linear time. We will just ‘be’ – not for 5 minutes, not for 5 millennia…we will just be in his presence.
Who knew this post would go so deep….?
I loved to read your comments and thoughts to this topic, just confirmed my position and I had the same example forpre-destination/God’s plan for your life in my mind (GPS recalculating a new route).
Thanks for all the encouragement everyone! It has been a busy summer :)! I guess I should get a podcast going 🙂
Hannah, THANK YOU!! I’m a mother of 5 girls (and yes, one boy) and I’ll admit I have given my girls that very same advice about how God has someone special for them. Not true indeed!! It was my 21 year old daughter that sent this message to me on FB. She was in a 3 1/2 year relationship and of course had plans to marry this boy once he was out of college. He changed his mind three days before Christmas. Her heart was broken. Mine too! Sorry, I didn’t mean to say all that. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I needed the education as well as my daughter.
Refreshingly different perspective and much to ponder and think through… 🙂
JOEL! You got it! There were parts of this post that I disagreed with…God is most DEFINITELY concerned with who we marry, in my opinion, because I think it’s the most important decision we’ll make. I got married a few months before I turned 33 to my husband right before he turned 34. SO worth the wait for both of us. I feel as though we were guided by God, but God doesn’t direct every single action we make. We have free agency and if we get off that path, but return to him (some say repent means TURN), he can make our life the best. We make the decisions, but involving Him along the way creates the BEST version of ourselves as we reach outward and look upward. Thanks for your response! YOU should write a blog post and we’ll link to your thoughts via fb. =) PLEASE!
P.S. I’ve heard the GPS analogy before, but liked your comments accompanied with the concept. Seriously…you should post. =)
HAHA I swear I went on a date with this guy the other day! He meets literally every standard mentioned in the article AND he’s so very good-looking. Yet I’m not crazy about him… although I am impressed by how “ideal” he is. I’m just not that into him and I don’t think he understands my sense of humor.
While I agree with the spirit of the post (no, girls, you DON’T need a man, neither is God entitled to give you one) I do take point with one thing: if you are saved and living for God, then He WILL direct your path. I don’t believe that there are multiple people God would be okay with you marrying, based on compatibility. I DO believe that if it is God’s will for you to marry, He has a person in mind for you to marry. And if, in the event of death, I believe He is able to send you another person to marry, if it be His will for you (and of course, He’s God, so He knows already if that’s going to happen or not). But I digress. My original point is this: if God wants you to be married, He is preparing a spouse for you. At some point in your life, you will meet that spouse, and if you listen to God, you will marry. And then he (I’m writing from the female perspective here) WILL be your soul mate. Because he will be the man that God picked for you. The problems come when we try to get ahead of God and pick our own–then we open ourselves up to a world of sin and hurt and create Ishmaels, as Abraham did.
Speaking from personal experience, I was a girl who never dated (I mean, I went on a few casual dates with friends, but I was never in a serious romantic relationship). Neither did I overly fantasize about boys, it just wasn’t my nature. I was one of the those girls who everyone assumed would be single forever, and I was okay with it. I liked being single, I liked traveling with my girlfriends and going on spontaneous road trips, I enjoyed my copious free time and quite frankly, whenever I did feel a bit of envy for my happily married friends, I quickly dismissed it as “not God’s plan for me,” since it appeared to me that I would never meet a man I could possibly love in that way (my few attempts at “grown up” dating were absolute disasters). One day I replied flippantly to a friend who asked when I would find a man that “God will have to drop him in my lap if He wants me to marry, I certainly don’t have the time or the inclination to look.” And what do you know? Not six weeks later, God DID drop this man, my husband, into my lap. I met him out of the blue, got to know him, and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love. I, the ever-practical, well-on-my-way-to-being-a-catlady-girl. I fell in love… hard. And he fell in love with me. And every single person who knows us has said that they could see the hand of God in bringing us together because quite simply–my husband and I should never have met. We should never have worked out. We should never have been. But we are. Because God wanted us to be. 🙂 So yes, I call him my soul mate. God put us together, nothing will convince me otherwise. And since neither of us believe in divorce, we’re in this for the long haul and our love gets stronger with each passing day. 🙂 Just my thoughts.
This is a fantastic post. I’m currently sitting with my 1 1/2 year old daughter watching Tinkerbell. One day she will come home dreamy eyed over a boy playing guitar and I’ll be waiting to burst her bubble. Thank you for the insightful post!
I’m so glad!!! I think I got thinking about all this lately as I watched people claiming about how in marriage they found their “other half,” and I couldn’t help but think. ” UM … WERE YOU ONLY PART OF A PERSON BEFORE?” No. If my children were single, I want them to know that is JUST as much God’s “plan” as marriage.
Good point, on the *other half* comments. I’d never thought of that, before. I’ve even said it, myself! But I certainly never thought of myself as half a person, before Nick.
NO, my other half comes from being incomplete without her now that I am married. The two have become one. She is my other half. Dont be so quick to mock.
Not to mention that it IS Gods plan for us to marry. otherwise he wouldnt have said it is not good for man to be alone. If it wasnt his plan then it wouldnt matter if man were alone or not. Not saying being single is a curse, but again, you are coming across as mocking and sounding like you have all the answers as to what God’s plan is. because jer 29:11 is a prophetic message and NOT just for israel 100 yrs before Jesus. Its a message to a lost people struggling to find their way, be it BC Israel or modern Christians.
I think that you make excellent points in this post, but i wish you could have used some of God’s word to support your argument. The above comment is especially concerning to me…as Christians (I don’t know you, but you seem to be a godly, bible-believing, large-hearted, deeply thinking sister in Christ) we ought to try to run our statements through the grid of God’s word, looking first for things that would validate it, and then for things that would negate it…and marriage is something He is far from mute on. Two verses to gently temper the above comment that immediately come to mind would be Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5-6. I’ll put the second one up: “and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6, ESV)
Actually, Ben, to say that, ” it IS Gods plan for us to marry” is saying that people who live their whole lives and never marry are living outside of God’s plan, and that’s placing yourself in the “judges seat”. You can’t determine whether or not anyone else is living God’s plan for their lives, only yourself. Think about it: what the Apostle Paul living outside of God’s plan? He was never married! As a matter of fact, he said in 1 Corinthians 7, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” Of course, he adds that if they can’t control themselves (sexually), then they should get married. But this shows, right in the Bible, that either way could be “God’s plan”.
To Hannah: THANK YOU for this. I never really thought about any of this. I was always taught that God had one person in mind for you, and that’s your “soul-mate”. However, my parents are divorced and remarried and just recently I started questioning that, wondering, “Which spouse was their soul-mate???” As a father of 3 girls, I needed to read this. Again, thank you.
I heard something along the way of my short 24 years, the idea of Jerry Maguire’s “you complete me” is a crazy idea based on being incomplete. Yes God made man and woman, as separate beings who are complete by themselves….it’s not half and half becomes one, but rather 1 and 1. Why would you want to give yourself as an incomplete person to your spouse?
@Ben –
A couple things. During the historical times encompassed in the Old and New Testament, most marriages were arranged. There was very little opportunity to determine before the wedding if a future spouse was one’s “soul mate” and would “complete” them.
Second, Jesus spoke of those who made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom and Paul said it would be better not to marry. So how can it be said that God’s will is for all to marry? Was Paul “incomplete”?
According to Meriam-Webster Dictionary :
Definition of SOUL MATE :
1: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs
See soul mate defined for English-language learners »
Examples of SOUL MATE
a husband and wife who are perfect soul mates
They are ideological soul mates.
First Known Use of SOUL MATE
1822
Hannah – not sure why you’re getting flack for this comment! I wholeheartedly agree! The whole “you complete me” concept is bogus. In fact, if we go into marriage not a complete person or expecting that our spouse *will* complete us we are in for serious trouble. We need to be a complete whole person in order to be able to COMPLEMENT our spouse.
Agreeing (in part) with Ben. When I talk to my married friends and inquire about their “other half” it’s in acknowledgement that two have become one. Just like I refer to my close friend’s mother as “mom”. It’s symbolic and not literal. Your comment on this makes me wonder about your definition of soulmate. While good points are made in your blog, it can be very challenging to navigate the sea of differing opinions. I recently read and very much enjoyed Jim Samra’s “God Told Me”. In his book, he asked God about a lot of things. Purchasing a car, the woman he married, the school to attend, etc. (It had a good amount of scriptural supported verses.) I’m of the mindset that it depends on your relationship with God and how deeply you want God to be involved in our decisions and how willing we are to do/go according to His will.
“other half” is like a figure of speech
it is people’s way of expressing that “in the eyes of God, we are no longer two but ONE.”
People are not idiots to believe that they are half of a person because they are single
but when you get married, you and your husband become one flesh
it’s not literal like husband is half and wife is half
sometimes you have to use your brain
instead of just listening to your pastor and accepting whatever he teaches you
As I am still recovering and reeling from my divorce after 4 years, I find comfort in your words. I too was swept up in this movement. I was married 9 years to the man I thought was my soul mate. And he made choices that I now see, can not be gotten past. While I may forgive him some day.. I can be angry (again another apiphany) as long as I want or need to be. And going into a marriage with this “other half” “soul mate” mind set, set me up for 9 years of idolizing a man in a way I was completely unaware of. I have loved the LORD all my adult life, however nothing prepared me for the realization of how much of myself I had lost over nearly a decade. How much of my love for my savior I had given to my spouse. And the reality of why my divorce has rocked me to my very core and nearly ended me as a woman, has been more than sobering. While my heart is healing and my love for a merciful and mighty God is growing I realize my mistakes were not just many but huge. I was whole before I married him. Whole in Christ. Jesus is my soul mate. And had I completely understood that before meeting my ex husband maybe I would not have been shattered to my utter core by my divorce. I am so thankful for your post. And thankful that God is showing us how to be commited to one another once again. And that love is not a feeling it is a choice.
I view marriage as a multiplication of 1 and 1. 1×1 = 1.
I heard a great description of it:
Woman marry men in hopes that he will change, but are disappointed when he doesn’t.
Men marry women in hopes that she will never change, but are disappointed when she does.
ooops.
Thank you for confirming the 32 years of ‘ouch’ in my marriage.
This helps me to let-go of the hurt I’ve felt from a husband who has not wanted me to change. People change. I change.
And it helps me to let-go of changing my husband. I have intended to do that. .
Thank you for the insightful post. One day my daughter, who is 1 1/2 now, will come home dreamy eyed over a guitar playing boy. Instead of being freaked out, I can now burst her bubble and then explain that God has so much more for her than just one boy, who will probably drive her crazy anyway.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Oh goodness — I don’t know about “wisdom”… but hopefully it prompts wise responses in others!
With all due respect, accepting responsibility for your actions – and making the conscious decision to love someone because he is YOUR choice – is about as wise a decision as I think you could make. Well done and congratulations on your anniversary, Hannah. When we learn that we too are culpable for our lives, we stand to do much better in this world 😉
Bravo, Hannah! That was well said. Thank you for your (and your dad’s) biblical theology of marriage. James and I are both blessed to be married to such fantastic women.
Thank you! Also, random, but one time you told Liz about how a marriage and home could be material for influence and witness, and that was one of my favorite things ever.
Oh, and you totally married the best woman out there.
This is an EXCELLENTLY written blog post with some a lot of wisdom. Thank you for a great read!
I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks for the comment — I always appreciate when people take a moment to stop in!
I recently went through a painful break up where he thought God willed us to one be together and two break up. He is a perfectionist and as I went through old notes and texts and stuff e was constantly criticising not only me but himself. He was alway putting the pressure on himself I be perfect and saying we could never be because he is just simply not a good enough significant other. It is amazing how I believed that God did not have a specific someone that we got that freedom to choose and once he broke up with me my wart was filled with anger, pain, and just apathy. I wanted so much to give up and quite frankly I did. But after reading this I am reminded that I was not wrong. That is it true that God does not plan on a specific person to fall in love with me vice versa. WE GET TO CHOOSE!!!!!! And that is when you know it is love. When someone fights for you and chooses you day after day! I just cannot express how glad and relieved I am to know that my understanding of the way God intended is also noticed by others. Thank you for this. I wish it could erase the pain of my break up but at least it brings SOME hope. 🙂
I’m so sorry for your pain, but so glad that my random musings could give you a little hope!
I went through this, it is a heartache, specially when you are the abandoned one, but as Benedetti puts it, you learn from every goodbye. Certainly God our Almighty Father is two things at a time… our father, or mother, so what, and almighty, so, why worry? On the other hand let’s not forget, not that anyone here has, that marriage is a vocation, even more, a supernatural vocation, to build up a domestic church, where the overwhelming love of God is shown and passed on. Not everybody is suitable for that but we make mistakes. The only true thing is that everything can be fixed except for death, and death fixes it all… God is our aim, the other petty things are extraordinary opportunities to taste his love and share it with others. Going back to the topic, once chosen, I’ll go to the gates of hell for you, but not beyond, there I cannot love God my everything and the only One that doesn’t fail me. As for spouses, it is the star product from God’s hands, to be able to be one in two, and break with traditional maths and make 1+1=3 if we count on him.
Hey there hurting one – I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I lived with a perfectionist spouse and suffered emotional abuse for a large chunk of my life. I prayed for God to save our marriage and family. Now I am glad to be divorced. I do believe God took something meant for evil and used it for good. A year out from divorce, my life is better. And I can BREATHE again!!! It is easier to concentrate on God when you rely on him in a tough spot and when you don’t spend every waking minute trying to make an unhappy person happy. I firmly believe my child is better off not having an unhealthy relationship as an example.
Divorcedandlovingit,
I wanted to acknowledge your comment. I am in the middle of divorcing an abusive man, and while I have always believed that divorce is not an option, once it became clear my husband saw nothing wrong with his treatment of me and I stepped up to protect myself and our kids, I’ve been so much happier and so have our kids. I truly believe that I am doing the right thing and that God will also turn this to good.
I just read your reply. Except for the statement that you are “a year out from divorce” I would believe I wrote it. I am 6 years out from divorce (very happily so) and can thank God everyday that He allowed me to choose to leave a horrible situation that would have caused the three of us (me, my child, & my former spouse) to lose our soul salvation. I have been breathing again for six years and I thank God with every breath I take.
this was beautiful!!! thank you for sharing your heart!
I’m so glad you liked it! I clicked over to your page and YOUR PHOTOS are what are really beautiful! Lovely!
you’re so sweet! thank you!!
Found this post because one of my facebook friends ‘liked’ it. Thank you for writing this, it is beautiful. I live in DC too and I hope some day I run into you. That kinda sounds creepy but I don’t mean it that way. A very insightful post, thanks for the good read in the middle of my work day!
Glad I could brighten your work day!
And it isn’t creepy at all! If you ever see me, let’s meet and we can jump up and down and squeal then go drink Good Stuff shakes, which describes what I want to do anytime I meet anyone new. : )
I’m being a creeper too. I’m in DC too. And Good stuff Shakes are a win in my book.
Thanks for the post!
Good Stuff Shakes?! I just moved here last month so I haven’t even heard of those yet but it sounds like something I NEED to try.
Also, wanted to again say thanks for writing this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years (he’s actually the reason I moved here last month) and are on our way to getting married and it’s just a really nice reminder and summary of everything I already knew but sometimes forget 🙂
You don’t see like the type of person who would take all of these comments personally but I was shocked to come back and see all of them! I don’t have time to read them all but some people are getting really heated and reading into what you said, a lot. Thanks again!
my soon-to-be husband is my soul mate. and it was love at first sight. so…i guess i’m just a little bit luckier in life than everyone else…
Serious question for you, Penelope. Are you joking?
Liz, are you a pessimist? If Penelope believes her boy is her soul mate who are you to judge? Good luck to you and your boyfriend, Penelope.
Not a pessimist at all. Just a realist that knows that strong marriages come from having character, trusting God, and choosing to love each day. I fell hard and fast for my man but that isn’t what gets us through the hard days. And as a hospice nurse I’ve had the chance to witness this over and over again through my patients lives. Not a single one of them that is holding their precious spouse as the leave this earth would say they made it through decades of marriage because of luck. NONE of this means that I don’t want all the best for Penelope…I say it because I want the best for her.
Amen….so glad you were brave enough to say that here. God cares about all the decisions in our lives – big and small.
Jill, I do think that God cares about every decision. I just don’t think that he makes them all for us. And I should hope that everyone is brave enough to share their thoughts, as I have never responded disrespectfully to a reader. I appreciate all feedback!
Penelope, I am genuinely happy for you that you are going to marry someone you love so much. Marriage is a great gift! I just hope that we all remember not to leave it up to luck, but to daily and consciously invest in loving each other.
Thanks, after I replied to her I figured she must be joking so I looked it up and laughed so hard. I was just wading through all the serious comments so I missed someone with good humor.
I really like what you had had to say. I am an older woman and I was married to a man who could not be what God wanted him to be. I have been praying for my future husband. I have come to realize that you are more right than I would have admitted before I met a lot of Godly men. i realize now that if you both are committed to God and you chose to make the everyday choice to love each other then love will stay. Besides God knows way better our needs and he does answer the desire of our hearts. He also changes our desires to match his will. I hope I made sense. I am sorry that you have been given hateful comments but it seems like you already know that God had your back. God bless you and your husband and may your marriage be a witness to all who see you.
Hannah, I LOVE your response here!!
i laughed real hard at this. kristen wiig, FTW. & thank you to everyone that took this way too seriously.
In reading Job 38-39, I find that God watches intently over seemingly insignificant matters such as hunting prey for the lioness, numbering the clouds, etc. If He finds those things important, how much more so the lives, purposes, and details of those for whom He died? Marriage is the most important decision one makes (after salvation), and God will be as involved in that choice as we invite Him to be.
I totally agree with you, like Isaac and Rebecca, inviting God to our choices and for him to bless this choice through prayer is so important. They both go hand in hand together; my choice and God’s guidance…
Penelope, I believe in love at first sight…I met my wife that way 40 years ago. We married quickly and young and engaged life and family-hood with all our hearts…we were immature, silly and foolish. We were important to each other and cared. We tended to each others wounds and engaged each others fears… and were determined to beat all the nay-saying odds. Looking back, as we became Christians 20 years later realizing God loves commitment and courage no matter how sloppy and immature it is… especially when we kept pressing on the journey when we fail, sin, wound, offend, etc… He blesses the courageous heart that decides to be overcoming. I used to think I was “lucky” all the time, but later realized I wasn’t giving credit to God’s blessing our courage to keep going and doing when quitting was an option so many times.
You see, we were soul-mates because we shared our deepest fears, secrets and dreams…and because we became “one flesh”.
The best effort of the soul cannot maintain the strength to endure the hardships of life…disappointments will come in some form and the soul grows weary.
Our “soul-mate” thing crumbled when we at some disappointed each other, we lost the “magic”, old wounds were reopened, life got busy and we got soul-weary. Our soul-mate spiritualism had one god…us. We started in the soul and got very weary in the soul because we had exhausted all our human strength to nourish each others souls as soul-mates….especially when our kids required so much. As “soul mates” we tended to worship one-another, making promises beyond our ability to make them come true. We’d say things like “You are all my all!” “I get all my strength from you” “I’ll always be there for you” “You could never disappoint me” “There is no meaning in life without your love” etc. We were sincere and serious in our mortal experience of soul-mate love….but none of those things could actually be held true in due time.
A lesson we learned: The reason you get married is not the reason you stay married.
Eventually we leaned that one needs a spirit-mate in the Holy Spirit in order to be nourished and replenished. We needed a source beyond our mortal experience.
You should marvel at the genuineness of your love for your husband. You feel lucky because in actuality you feel got something you didn’t earn and feel great fortune and thankfulness for it. That is truly a blessing…
Keep a journal and read it in five or ten years….
In Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” he has a chapter called “Falling in Love” that every “new love” should read.
Be blessed!
Mike,
Just wanted to make, what I think is, and important distinction.
By definition, there is no such thing as love at first sight. There is most certainly infatuation at first sight, but not love. Love is a commitment to die a little to yourself every day so that you can better serve them. That can’t happen at a glance.
Geroge, appreciate your comment on the distinction between infatuation and love at first sight. In my experience there are many infatuations in life which are all fleeting and jaded.
I chose to love long before I “found love”. I knew what kind of person I was looking for in my heart that I would commit to for a lifetime. Many dating opportunities came by but they didn’t fit the picture in my heart. Then the day I walked in and saw the one I was looking for matching the picture in my heart, the decision on my part was easy because it was made years ago. I was since and committed. Call it infatuation if you wish… but I think the distinction between infatuation and love at first sight is motive.
Yet,let me clarify that we didn’t really understand love for a long time. I think we understood Christ’s mercy and grace long before we began to understand love. We’ve been married almost 39 years and still learning about love.
Infatuation is non-committal and selfish.
Love is committed and servant-hearted.
It just so happens that we were both “ready” for committed relationship,
God does divine appointments.
To seize the opportunity when it appears, we must be prepared for it in advance.
If one is not ready for God;s divine appointment opportunities, then they miss it.
Even thought we started out that way, we still had to work at our marriage. “Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.” It’s easy to do anything and say anything when all is good,,, but how one acts in time of crisis really reveals their character and motive. I choose to take the high road and do the selfless acts of love that are needed. I don’t love my wife any more now than I did then; I am better skilled and aware of it now. But the love is still just as sincere and committed.
Love makes one become more of a person than they are without it. Infatuation doesn’t.
Love must have wisdom with it. Infatuation avoids wisdom.
Love has long term vision and hope. Infatuation can’t see past the moment and is hopeless.
Love is not for the feinthearted. Infatuation is because of the feinthearted.
Love is intentional – planned. Infatuation is unintentional – happenstance.
Love requires courage and faith, both which God desires. Infatuation is born in fear and doubt, inability to commit.
Same here .
This? This is wonderful. You’ve articulated what I believe about love, soul mates, and marriage–and your journey to that belief seems an awful lot like mine. I’m happily married and I think my husband and I have become/are becoming soul mates in that we’ve chosen each other and we choose every day.
I’m brand-new to your blog–my sister told me I’d love it and she’s quite right!
“my husband and I have become/are becoming soul mates in that we’ve chosen each other and we choose every day” so beautiful and true!
My non-soul-mate husband of five years and three days told me he did pray for his future wife during his youth in the same way James would have… only more graphically. Ha!
Ha! I love Aaron!!! And you. And I’m pumped about seeing you so soon!
Me too! Both to loving Aaron and being excited about seeing you!
Man! this is so good and dead on, my wife and minister too young people and this article is what we tell them on a regular basis, so Hannah keep putting truth out there and God bless you and James. 🙂 🙂
This article is spot on. Our generation of evangelical Christians have been spoon-fed enormously unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage. Idolatry of marriage has honestly become an ‘acceptable idol’ in Christian circles.
Preach it! The pain that the idolization of marriage had caused in Christian circles is something the American (at least) church will be repenting of in future generations. It puts enormous pressure on marriages themselves, causing incredible harm, and squeezes the joy and fulfillment out of singleness.
Brendan, you are soo right. I was more or less sent off to (a christian) college, expected by my biological and church family to return with the perfect, conservative young man. I had been conditioned all my life to wait for that man that God made specifically for me to appear, because marriage (to a nice Christian man) is the greatest good that a nice girl can achieve. It was very much idolized. Now in my final year of college, having never dated, I am redefining what it means to be a good woman. Singleness is just as much a choice and an acceptable avenue to God. It did take quite a while to defeat the over projected christian image that I should accept nothing less than the absolute perfection that God created to be my husband. (Which, by the way, is unrealistic and the worst way to look for men. I hope guys interested in me are not looking for perfection because they will be largely disappointed.) Like Hannah said, it’s about choices; choices to remain single and choices to pursue someone I think is worth pursuing which makes it all the more worth it in the end.
Very well said, A.H. I have been married for 45 years now and, without a doubt, staying married and loving our spouse is a choice that we all need to make each and every day if we want our marriage to continue; however, if we choose to stay single, it is also a choice which can bring us much happiness.
I completely agree with this Brendan.
Hannah, I think this is a much-needed corrective to emotionalism about relationships. That’s not just a Christian thing, it’s a North American thing. And unfortunately, it’s co-opted the definition of what a soul-mate is.
There are many soul-mates in life, and many kinds of soul-mate, though only one spouse. I didn’t ever expect to meet people like my closest friends, and those have been instant sympatico, like recognizing someone I’ve always known.
It didn’t feel like that with my husband at the time, but I attribute that to the foolishness of youth–intuition is the cumulative result of repeated experience, of which young people have little. I’ve made all my truest friends since the age of 30, or at least in my late twenties. We have the soulish intuition in our marriage now, nearly 20 years after we first met.
I think God gave people both intuition and analysis for a reason, and the best lives are built on the harmonious blending of both. I became a Christian as an adult, so I wasn’t privy to the church version of “the one true love” teen culture, but it’s pervasive throughout our society. It’s a formulaic substitute for true intuition and an annulment of thoughtful analysis: false on all sides.
You are so right!!! Thanks so much for your older and wiser thoughts! : )
My dear, this aging thing is hilarious. Did the young people seriously just call me “older and wiser”? Wait–did I just call them “the young people”? 🙂
I’m sure it was just yesterday I was 18 and engaged. Time flies, but as my own older and wiser friends have told me, it just gets better from here. Enjoy the journey. 🙂
Thanks C.L. for your comments. I was reading all of the comments before posting, just in case someone had already covered this (which you did superbly!)
I also do not consider my wife my soul-mate, though I have had, and currently do have a few “soul-mates”, people who just “get” me, and I similarly have an uncanny ability to just “understand” them with little to no explanation.
However, my wife and I are “best friends”, in that we choose to put eachother before every other relationship (inside of our relationship with Christ).
Thanks Hannah for your original post – and thank God glitter doesn’t transfer well over the internet! Hehe 🙂
I’m very impressed with this for several reasons which I won’t express. Well said, from a man who is a father, dad, husband, son, and brother but not a soul mate.
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Perfect
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Old people like me get excited when young people like you “get it.” I hope and pray there are more women like you out there…and that they meet my single sons…
http://lisashearingblog.blogspot.com/
I know of quite a few awesome women… ; )
haha really enjoyed reading this…I had grown up with the same ideals etc and did not marry my soul mate either!
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You are exactly on point. Great post. My wife and I often share information like this with the single people that we minister to. It’s good to see others who have studied and found the same thing.
Good for you!!! And thanks!
I like this post, really. I think it does raise some deeper theological tensions that I won’t pretend to completely understand: predestination vs. free will. Additionally, if God orders the steps of the righteous , does it not lead to a destination/person. It seems pretty clear that Eve was made for Adam (obviously not too many choices on the table then) I certainly am not a fan of the “soul mate” thinking as this can really produce a fear driven posture before and/or after you marry. Again, I’m not really disagreeing as much as presenting that sometimes the tensions or mystery of God reveal Him just as much His known attributes. Thanks for sharing.
I was wondering when someone would bring up the theological elephant in the room. Thanks! 🙂
I didn’t want this post to be a full argument between free-will vs. predestination because I think we spend way too much time arguing about the existence of something that we can’t change. I have wrestled with this a lot and what I come down to (as unsatisfactory as it is for others, I know) is that there is free will and there is also a God who intervenes as he pleases. How these two things work together — I have no clue. But if we accept that a virgin birthed a savior… shouldn’t everything else seem pretty tame in comparison?
Hi Hannah,
I have to admit I am wrestling with this way of thinking. Not that I don’t believe that love is a decision, but rather that there is one person. You see, I haven’t been in many relationships and I have met someone that I feel that compatibility to a point where a life commitment seems very real. There are however two wildcards. Firstly, a week after I first met her, I got a what I thought was a clear word from God about her being my wife. Secondly, she has made it clear, that, at least for the moment, she is not interested in me. I am very much enjoying her company as her friend and when I am around her I feel peaceful, but outside of that, these two opposing feelings are often at war with each other. I’m the type of guy, or more, the type of person that leads with my heart and relies more on intuition than analysis. I feel very strongly that I shouldn’t give up on this relationship (we are seperated by about 9 hours of travel by car), but, I have two guys who I respect greatly, giving me the advice that I should let that belief die. And I have given this over to God a fair few times, and yet everytime I meet with her I feel more strongly that I need to keep it.
So my go-to, my intuition, is all over the place. When I first thought I heard God speaking to me about it it messed me up because I didn’t know if it was Him. It seemed so unbelievable, that he would say such a thing especially when he knew I was prone to incredible anxiety and depression when it came to that. I considered it His way of showing that the desires of my heart were important. But, as I said, not many agreed with me. However these were all people who were opposite to me, in the sense that they were more analysis than intuition. Right now, I am simply going to see what happens, and not overthink it as I am prone to doing.
To be honest, theologians I think do people a disservice by trying to define the way God sees marriage, how two people meet etc. It’s my belief that God’s ways are high above our ways, and that we too often try to create a system for our own comfort. I don’t believe God has a system, He is just as much the wilderness as He is the bringer of order and glory. I think some people believe that there is one, as I know I have, because firstly they don’t believe someone would choose them, secondly because, like you said, it gives them an excuse to fantasize or thirdly they believe it makes it easier for them to commit to that person. I think, and I’m not saying this is your deal, but some people like to believe that there is multiple people because they don’t want to believe they missed out, and again, as you said, it helps their marriage. I believe both are views aren’t necessarily false, and that God purposely prompts people to get together with it ultimately being their choice.
I’ve also noticed that older people seem to have these views in a balance, so perhaps, and again, I’m not saying this is you, us younger folk just haven’t experienced enough to fully understand this. There are too many unexplainable things for us to box God in, in my opinion. It annoys me greatly when people are black and white about this.
With all that said, thank you so much for your post, I wish you all the best with your marriage.
…I did have a question for you, but it seems I got lost in thought. Sorry about the length of this, I’m also a blogger. :S
Thoughts?
I was thinking the same thing, about this really being an issue of predistination vs free agency. I am with you, Hannah – I think the Bible is pretty clear that God is all powerful and all knowing, but that He gives us free will to make our own choices (and that He sometimes intervenes as He sees fit, in his righteousness). It’s funny, because when I first started reading this, I was pretty offended at the thought that my husband might not fit into that “one and only, forever and all possible choices” ~ but, that’s actually exactly what I believe! HA! I did the whole “true love waits” thing, purity ring, want ad list, and everything. And I believed it long enough to fall for a boy I met at 15, and stayed with him through my first year of college, long enough to become extremely emotionally and verbally abused. And in the end? He dumped me. The only regret I have is that I didn’t end it, myself. Thing was, I had bought into the idea that there was a *one and only* and that since I was *waiting* then he MUST be the man for me, and I would just have to trust that God would fix his heart and make him be a good man. And he wasn’t. And He didn’t. Because we all have free agency to make our own choices, good or bad. The sweet, musical boy I fell in love with became a cruel, messed up man, not worth knowing. Thankfully, he got tired of me, and I escaped. A couple of years later, I married my best friend ♥ Yes, I do consider him my soul mate, but in the way that was mentioned somewhere above – that a soul mate is someone who resonates with you on a deep level, and that may be one of several similar people. What makes him my *one and only* is that I chose him, married him, and that means he’s it for me. If he were to die… If he were truly the only choice I could make that honors God, then why would Paul encourage the widowed to remarry?
I’m with you both on the discussion of that – personally, I think the Bible gives clear evidence that we’re both chosen and that we make a choice. What one can’t get around, however, is that there are good works that He prepared for those of us who are His workmanship – and He did so before the world was ever formed. Blows my mind. 🙂 If He prepared good works, though, I don’t think it’s a theological stretch to consider that He has prepared other things for us as well. When I couple that thought with my own testimony, my wife’s, and others who have spoken into our lives, the seeming “lack” of biblical evidence is insufficient for me to simply write off the idea that He wasn’t just speaking to Israel through Jeremiah. Not as if Jeremiah’s words are the only ones that would support the loving provision that pours out from a God who hand picked my wife for me.
Nathan, last summer a young man came to my husband and told him that he believed God revealed to him that our daughter was to be his wife. My husband told him that if it was truly God’s will, He would reveal it to our daughter as well. Our daughter did not at all think that way about this young man, so things went nowhere. Nathan, the fact that this young woman is saying “no” pretty much gives you your answer. Yes, she could change her mind, but don’t put your life on hold waiting for her to do so, because it may never happen. … My thoughts thoughts here are meant in a loving, motherly kind of way.
Love the post! I totally agree. Luckily those guitar playing, camp councilors will get to choose someone too. My youth minister husband chose me. Thank God. Youth ministers aren’t so bad. 🙂 He holds the same philosophy as we do about “soul mates,” and it doesn’t make it less romantic. It’s romantic for someone to choose to love you everyday! Marriage is awesome.
I am so sorry if I made it seem like I was anti youth ministers- I LOVE THEM, just as I loved youth ministry and couldn’t imagine where my life would be without them. I personally just married someone soooo different (political type who never did youth ministry) that it always amuses me how different things turn out. I hope that my children are surrounded by great youth workers someday!!!
Reblogged this on Just you wait..
This is probably one of the best posts I have read in a long time on the topics of marriage and singleness. Thank you for sharing your story and what God has taught you. I’m new to your blog, but your honesty and vulnerability make me want to come back and see what else you have to say.
I saw your post running around on FB through my news feed and thought I would drop by. 🙂
Very thought-provoking and I am glad you wrote it. I too grew up in your generation and remember reading a book by Dannah Gresh called And the Bride Wore White. In the book, I remember her suggesting to make two “shopping lists” for your future spouse and then pray over it. One would be for things that are necessary for the relationship to work (i.e. heart for God, love for the elderly, respect for parents, passion for the underprivileged, etc…) and the other list would be of things that really don’t matter but would be nice (i.e. green eyes, built, 6 feet tall, etc…). I actually still like this approach because it makes you think of who you are and things you would desire in someone else along with knowing traits that you would or wouldn’t be compatible with. Obviously the lists don’t have to be the end all to every male that walks by but I do think that it can be a helpful guideline.
As to your thoughts on soul mates, I agree with you in the sense that your spouse doesn’t have to be THE soul mate because I think you can have more than one. Some can be close female friends, another could be your spouse, and yet another could be a male friend who you really bonded with from way back in the day but don’t really communicate with anymore.
And as Taryn has said, youth ministers aren’t so bad. I’m currently dating a youth pastor. 🙂
But thanks for this! I remember back in 8th grade when I read Every Young Woman’s Battle, and it supported the fact that there isn’t one person floating around in the world with your name attached to their forehead. It really helped broaden my thinking. 🙂
Oh I remember ALL those books. And you know what? Some of them had some AWESOME things to say about love, relationships, and life. I don’t think that because we are prone to extremes, that we should throw out everything.
And a deep resounding YES to soul “mates” in life. I have so many friends who I enjoy that soul connection with and I LOVE it.
Also, I hope you saw what I replied to Taryn that I love youth ministers!!! I just limited my view of my someday one to the stereotypical one that bore no semblance to the person I actually married, so I enjoy laughing at myself.
Oh, and full discloser: I have three Chris Tomlin CD’s and I love them all. : )
well done, the title seems a bit overly poignant though, as a soul mate’s definition somewhat varies from one person to the next, my dictionary says ” a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. “
You are so right. But “My husband is not the one person God picked for me because he didn’t” seemed long. Plus, the dictionary definition is perfect and probably does/should describe good marriages. What I was refuting was more the social and cultural definition.
Wow, this is me too! I believed in “the one” and the dean at my Bible college burst my dream! I blame all the Disney movies and our culture. Praise God for who He is and that His plan is greater than our desires.
Thank you for being so awesome and posting this. Also, you are so blessed to have a father like yours…
This post was so freeing to me. My ex told me he thought he was suposed to marry me because a women said God told her that. However, after talking for a year and treating me as I were, he never would call me his girlfriend. So, I ended it.. And have struggled with that idea ever since. But I now believe God does give is choices.. And I’m so thankful, because now I’m engaged to marry an amazing man. Soulmate? No. Companion? Yes 🙂
Reblogged this on wheredallthegoodpeoplego.
The book “Before You Get Engaged” by David, Brent and Danielle Gudgel keeps the term “soul mate,” but gets rid of the typical definition of that one person that God has predestined a spouse for you from the beginning of your life. Instead, the book defines a soul mate as someone who matches you mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I definitely see you and your husband as the new defintion of soul mates.
I’ve read that book, and I agree! I never viewed soul mates to mean anything else, so the whole premise of this blog threw me for quite a loop. If anyone reading this is not married or engaged, read that book!
amen amen
Good post. Although, in no capacity, am I any longer involved in Christianity, I reached the same conclusion studying theology and early-church history at seminary. The concept of a “soul mate” has no basis in ancient Judaism or biblical Christianity. It stems entirely from ancient Greek mythology. I believe this view has seriously warped the psyche of most Christians.It coincides with the belief that sex, unless for procreation, is evil(I’ll admit the modern views held in Christian cirlces on this issue have progressed to a much more relaxed standard), and removes personal responsibility from the relationship equation entirely. It also tends to elevate people’s perception of themselves to something quite narcissistic. I’m not saying God doesn’t care about you, but he does have a universe to run..and maybe a few major things he’d like to orchestrate outside of your model girlfriend with the large bust. Ultimately, I’ve had much more fulfilling romantic relationships beyond the Church where personal responsibility plays the only role. My two cents.
I have to say, at least for me, this didn’t prove true. I, however, never kissed dating goodbye. In fact, I dated a LOT. And then there was my husband. He was completely different than anyone I had ever met, and still is. I’m 28 and we’ve been together 8 years, married 3. Dated long distance for 3 of those years. To me, he is my soul mate. Now yes marriage is also about sacrifice, and commitment, and choice…. But I will always choose him. I think its different because I dated so much, and I knew this was so different because of that. God was in every detail – I was assigned as his small group leader… When I wasn’t sure we could be together because of school debt, we won a promotional drawing paying it off… We made it through long distance dating, following God moving to a new state, and so much more. I have met a lot of people living in so many places, and he is most definitely my soul mate. Regardless of previous context, the promises for Israel are still for us, called “his called,” “justified” and even “predestined” in the new testament that is not that much of a stretch to say God has plans for us, for a hope and future. That may not mean marriage for everyone and that’s ok. It also doesn’t mean its not work. But God has had His hand in our marriage from the beginning, and I wouldn’t have wanted my choice involved …His was much better.
Beautifully said, Andrea. I’m so glad I wasn’t in charge of orchestrating the crazy, amazing, rollercoaster of a love story that God blessed us with.
Well said Andrea!! I feel the EXACT same way about my marriage. It wasn’t a choice I made on my own. God was in every detail. In fact, I did write a list of desirable attributes and prayed over the list. My husband matches up with almost everything I asked for! I view that as God answering my prayer and sending a man that is truly a gift. (I should also add that the list was very reasonable, not “must have 6-pack abs” or anything shallow like that). Anyway, I digress. This is awesome. Thanks for sharing.
My experience is somewhat similar. I met my husband online. He wasn’t a Christian. Our first date was nothing to write home about. If I’d followed my own choices, we probably wouldn’t have gone out again, but I believe God put us back together in a non-date, social situation where we had the chance to give each other a second look. An amazing love grew from there. When it quickly became serious, I told him God and His will were my number one priority and anyone I’d consider a long-term (permanent!) relationship with would need to feel the same. He began coming to worship with me regularly. A few months later, he became a Christian and much later his mother did, too. Was he the “only one for me”? I think not, but I do believe God played a role in bringing us together for our own happiness, but more importantly for my husband’s salvation and that of his Mom and hopefully other family members in the future.
Dear Hannah,
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but we serve the same, incredible Creator. I am blessed by your words today. I had that fantasy for such a long time. What is even more interesting is that I have been in two serious dating relationships – one of them became a youth pastor, and one became a worship pastor. Neither of which treated me the way that God intended a man to treat a woman. Now, I’m not saying that all men like them will do the same thing – but I am saying that their hurtful choices allowed for me to realize that my ideas and fantasies about love, fate, and God’s will were extremely inaccurate.
I do have a strong desire to be married one day, but thankfully I am not sitting around waiting for the Lord to place “the one” in my life. Your words are important for me at this time in my life, this time of singleness and solitude.
Thank you for saying what most Christian women are afraid to say to other Christian women. The truth is always meant to be said – and always meant to be heard.
Blessed by you,
Gabrielle
I really like your response, Gabrielle. Don’t ever marry a man just because he is a Christian, a youth worker, a pastor, or any other occupation. Marry a man who loves you and treats you like you are the “best thing that has ever happened to him”, and of course, you would want to treat him the same way. Marriage takes a lot of work but you want to go into it knowing that you not only love that person, but you really like each other a lot and then you need to commit to keeping love alive every day. If you never meet someone who makes you want to commit to that, then enjoy being single. Often when one is “not looking”, a good mate appears in the picture. 🙂
Really sneaky way to get everyone to look at your wedding photos.
Don’t know if you intended this remark to be funny, but it was. However, I did find the topic of “God doesn’t pick our soul mates, we shouldn’t over romanticize marriage, love is a choice and sometimes it’s hard work” combined with nothing but gorgeous wedding photos somewhat contradictory. One of the ways we over romanticize and sugarcoat marriage is to focus too much on the beauty and planning and fun and attention of the “big day” as opposed to the reality of living a life biblically committed to one partner, through all of life’s ups and downs.
Great stuff! We are a few weeks shy of 45 years of trying to figure out how to choose to love someone who has never been a soul-mate for either of us. And yet, God wanted us together. You’ll make 45 too, with this attitude.
I am a few weeks short of 45 years too, and my spouse has never been my soul-mate. Our interests, other than faith and family, are so far removed from each other that it is almost hilarious. Happy 45 sharkbyes!
This post struck a wonderful chord in me as well. Thank you for posting it.
It also brought this quote to mind as well:
“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.”
~Galileo Galilei~
I LOVE that quote! Thank you so much!
I was the guy strumming “Chris Tomlin” songs when I was at that point in life. I too read – and religiously adhered to – I Kissed Dating Goodbye. A bygone era.
Love this post. After years of searching and getting married to the most amazing woman, I still agree with the thesis here: God didn’t pre ordain my marriage. I happily chose it.
I hope it doesn’t sound disrespectful to say that I respectfully disagree, lol! 🙂 I also know that my experience is not the same as everyone else’s, but I can only speak to what the Lord has shown me. I think if we’re going to say one way or the other conclusively, then we need to have the Word of the Lord back up our conclusion on this issue. That being said, I don’t think the article does that, as a great deal of the conclusions in the article are based on common sense and are philosophical in nature.
Scripture and the Word of the Lord are not one in the same. We know that all scripture is the Word of the Lord, but we are not always able to address every issue from it (i.e. the entirety of the Word of the Lord is not held captive in scripture). The Bible is clear that when we call to Him, He will tell us things we do not know… God still speaks to men (and women). I say this because God spoke clearly to my wife to pray for me before she ever even met me. She argued with Him, not wanting a husband, lol, but after He repeated Himself twice, she submitted. We found out later that the timing and issues that he spoke to her to pray over were specifically in line with what I was going through and when.
Whether we label it soul mate or not is not an issue to me, as I think that’s something that even New Agers can get on board with, but here’s what I know – there is no doubt in my mind that my bride was selected for me by Christ, and 11 years later, I still find more evidence every day to solidify my conclusion! 🙂
For the record, He also spoke clearly to both of us in regards to the school we were supposed to attend, engineering it in ways that cannot be explained away by slamming theologians who deny Jeremiah’s words apply to us today. 😉 It is also interesting that my wife and I met at that very school. Remind me sometime to tell you about the men I still believe to be angels who came and spoke to me about the school.
I forgot to mention the fact that the guy who was making prayerful plans to begin courting her before I met her was warned sternly in a dream that “she is not yours.” He promptly ceased pursuing her, lol!
I agree with you too! I do not use the word soul mate for my husband but I also know that God planned for us to be together. I felt God calling me to pray for a man at church as he was lonely and looking for a wife. So I prayed for him. And 22 years later we have been married for 20 years have been blessed with 2 beautiful children (without IVF or similar)even though I am infertile and my husband and I are still going strong.
Hannah I love your story in a romantic and thought provoking way but if God is not planning for us what hope do we have??? Yes we all have free will and can choose too accept or not accept what God plans. How the burden of daily life struggles is lifted knowing that God is planning for me, planning for my children who have health difficulties and some special needs. I am blessed knowing that God so awesome and powerful and not in need of me in any way would choose to think of me and plan for little me!!!
I’m just now finding this blog after a friend posted a link on Facebook, and I have to say that I respectfully disagree with the author. I have been married for almost 23 years to my “soul mate,” a man who was most definitely put in my life by God!
Katherine, your above comment is so very true! “if God is not planning for us what hope do we have??? How the burden of daily life struggles is lifted knowing that God is planning for me, planning for my children who have health difficulties and some special needs. I am blessed knowing that God so awesome and powerful and not in need of me in any way would choose to think of me and plan for little me!!!” I would encourage Hannah and others who agree with her viewpoint to read Psalm 139. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16) This chapter alone is enough evidence to support the fact that God is definitely involved in every detail of our lives!
Do you consider your spouse a gift from God? According to James 1:17, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father.” I’m afraid the type of thinking presented in this post — the “I chose my husband. God had nothing to do with it” attitude — can only lead to pride in our awesome decision making. We are flawed human beings incapable of doing any “good” on our own. “It is GOD who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Phil 2:13) So thankful that the God I serve has led me every step of the way (including bringing along the right spouse for me)! Apart from Him., I can do NOTHING! (John 15:5)
I’m truly sad.
For your selfishness. Your braggadocio. You found your soulmate. Your roll along piece. Yet you somehow disavow the reality of a definition of the one thing you have- your true love and i dont understand why you pick on something and belittle the beliefs of others.
IT’S A WORD.
You didn’t just choose him. To so so would require measurable variables and I don’t think you mean that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HAVING A SOULMATE?
If you need to convince yourself you made the right choice, then enjoy your Honda minivan and your 2.4 kids. Go to your mega church, and contribute absolutely nothing to enhance the world you live in.
LET YOUR KIDS FALL IN LOVE WITH A GUITAR PLAYER! It’s called life.
Prepare them for it! Embrace it. Of the FIVE backstreet boys, ONLY ONE has been divorced- and that was over substance abuse and one, Brian Littell is an evangical Christian.
Let them live life! GOD, not his Son, created us, and gave us free will.
Look,
A life without risk isn’t one worth living.
For the record, I am catholic, a former Soldier and current teacher in an inner city high school.
I would not have believed in soul mates until I met mine. She moved me to be better than I was. Challenges me to become more than I ever thought capable, and I desire nothing more than to make her proud. I will never need to convince myself I made the right choice. I only know my life since her, has been more filfilling than it ever was before her. I would be totally hollow without her.
You say you want to kids I be more like Christ. Well, Jesus was Jewish and hung around with 12 guys and a prostitute. These are undisputable facts.
And his father invites all to his table.
Thanks for listening.
She’s not selfish – it’s her point of view, just like yours is yours. It amazes me when people are driven to passion they are also driven to point out what they think are characteristics (and usually negative) about another person… selfishness, braggadocio? Just say you disagree with her then go write your own post about why. No need for the rest of it.
Discussions require thought within the train that brought then. That’s why I posted it here.
Further, points of view shift. It’s in the discussion that one shapes the ground you stand on.
It’s in the words that matter- the definitions. She uses the definition, but doesn’t acknowledge it’s origin.
Thank you Baileigh. There’s nothing wrong with disagreements or discussions, but it should be done without name calling and rudeness.
Baleigh Steven’s point of view is as self-centered as the author’s. It’s passionate and centered around their experience and needs as God knows them. Personally, as a man, I identify more with Steven and believe the author’s take on “soulmates” to be heavily skewed for a female audience (as it seems like it should be). I can see how it can encourage my future daughter to not take the idea of a “soulmate” to an extreme as the author did. However if she doesn’t take it to an extreme, I pray shouldn’t read this article and interpret it as God makes tons of people that can bring you the deepest joy, peace and meaning on a day to day basis that God always intended. Cause it’s just not true.
Not really sure how to take this response in. I’m a Catholic and apologize for not only this guy’s incorrect theology (God the Father is coequal with the Son and therefore both created us. I not sure where you got that faulty theology from) but also the attitude in his response.
Hannah, I found this post so beautiful and helpful. As a Catholic young woman, I always dreamed I’d marry the perfect ex-seminarian man! (We call those those women “chalice chippers” lol) But I’m 23 now and dating a young man who never went to seminary, in fact has been Catholic for only about 2 years, but who despite my MANY imperfections chooses to love me unconditionally on a daily basis and treats me so well. We also have common values and beliefs about marriage, life, love and children, etc, something I think is extremely important. He was not a perfect match for my “perfect man” but I learned very quickly how unfair it is to expect perfection from men. I’ve learned that people are perfected THROUGH their marriages, through the daily choices to love each other and die to self for their spouse and become more like Christ through those small deaths; a lifelong commitment no matter how hard. Saints are made through their vocations, and a vocation to marriage is a vocation of complete service to your spouse and in that is true love. I would rather have that than a fairytale emotion-driven marriage. Beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you and God bless 🙂
First, Jesus was there in the beginning: John 1:1-3 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.
Second, I really liked reading this blog post.
Did you have a point to make, Steven?
Steven, you will take some heat for your comments, but I wholeheartedly agree with what you shared. After 20 years of “daily choosing to love” my Christian non-soul mate, a man who ended up ditching his faith and abusing me and our four children, the Lord released me from my disastrous decision. I am now married to my soul mate, and I thoroughly relish the wonder of being so deeply in love with someone every day and having that love overflow into the lives of our family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers who cross our path. And I did not stumble into him. It was apparent from our very early on that God was leading us both to one another. God’s personal involvement in our coming together was real and profoundly powerful – and still is. That doesn’t mean that either of us is perfect – but is sure makes it easier.
I can appreciate the writer’s viewpoint and agree that we need to be careful not to create some fantasy person who cannot ever meet our unrealistic expectations of godliness or looks or passion. Adam was pretty smitten with Eve, though, declaring her bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, as God had created her especially for him, which seems pretty romantic to me.
I have seen both sides of this equation. People may choose to marry someone whom they love deeply but do not consider their soul mate and be perfectly content, and I would never begrudge them that. Neither will anyone convince me that I didn’t find mine.
I really appreciate this comment. I, too, feel as though this post and its pictures, while probably not intended, come across as hypocritical, judgmental, and oddly inconsistent with what this young woman actually has in her life, versus what she says about what she has in life. It does come across as typical “look at what I have” but, oh, “this isn’t what’s important in life, it’s about Jesus..” evangelical doublespeak.
I do, however, agree with the author about the insane idolatry of marriage in American church culture, and how most professing Christians need a serious reality check when it comes to how they view this institution. Worshiping marriage the way many young American church people do, and are encouraged to do by their leaders, is not only obnoxious but also highly unbiblical. None of the disciples were married, remember, and yet they were bonded in love for one another and the church.
Today’s American church culture sees only one type of love — marriage and the endless Facebook photo albums and status updates that crystallize the “big day” and elevate it to some kind of “I’ve arrived” at the spiritual plateau. Everything else, including friendships with one another and brotherly and sisterly love and compassion for people that are not your spouse or “potential” spouse (whatever that means) takes a backseat to the marriage idol, and it’s honestly sickening.
So as not to be misunderstood, the author of this post makes some good posts, in that she addresses the disturbing American church culture of marriage idolatry. And yet somehow its presentation still reeks of that very same marriage idolatry. When I read the New Testament, which hardly glamorizes marriage and yet places a lot of emphasis on loving one another, I see a huge contrast with how American church culture views love and relationships in general, which extend far beyond just getting hitched..
I think this is beautiful. It actually made me cry. Isn’t it wonderful that God allows us to make decisions about our lives? To fall, to stand, to declare, to accept. In all of our choices, in the end, God is there walking with us, seeing us through, and helping us to the next decision. I hope you DECIDE to write many, many more posts like this one. 🙂
Thank you so much for the encouragement! This is usually just a space where I share life with family and friends, so I am a little overwhelmed by the support/critique/attention in general, but maybe I will crawl back out at some point. : )
It’s a great post, Hannah. I have been reading all the comments for the past two hours and you should be proud that you writing has caught so much attention, both positive and negative. You have renewed my interest in blogging again. I hope you have a truly long and happy marriage to the man you chose to marry. Stay true to him and to your faith. May God bless you both.
Keep it coming don’t hide because people disagree with you. If they do oh well if you are convinced that you are sharing something God wants you to share do it. Perhaps even write about the experience you have had with this post and what God has been teaching you through it all.
I just DIED laughing. I was SO that girl, writing horrible high-school-literary-magazine bad poetry and revolting, teenage-hormone-induced love letters to my “future husband” in my leather notebook. Don’t you wish you could go back and tell yourself to stop wasting your time BROODING!
YES. I would say, “GO LEARN TO PLAY THE PIANO!” or something. : )
You should know your post is getting read and re-posted all around the web – bravo. Love what you said.
This is amazing.
I appreciate that this is written in an honest and bold way. I also appreciate that it acts as a life raft for those caught up in Western ideas of romance and marriage. While I do not wish to condone such lies, I also do not want us to take marriage less seriously just because God is gracious and honors our choices. He also honored our choice to eat the apple (by not eliminating our race completely). We need to remember that marriage is a sacrament–a physical representation of a spiritual reality. It’s purpose is to represent the way Jesus loves his church. I absolutely believe that Jesus is head-over-heels, up all night giggling, madly, madly in love with us. How else would he be able to endure the cross? We can only marry one person. This means that we are called to only one person, the one who has the same heart as us and will glorify God the most. Love, while difficult and needing to be reigned in by eternal covenant, can’t be just a covenant because emotions and dreams and hope truly matter. I will be marrying my soul mate, the person Jesus created for me to teach me every day about his love. This person will point me closer to Jesus, make me a better me in obedience to him, and be a magnificent piece of a wonderful life that Jesus has known about for all eternity.
No, if anything we should take it MORE seriously, because it is a choice we have to thoughtfully, prayerfully take — not just a impulsive response.
“This means that we are called to only one person, the one who has the same heart as us and will glorify God the most. Love, while difficult and needing to be reigned in by eternal covenant, can’t be just a covenant because emotions and dreams and hope truly matter.” That was so lovely and well said.
your blog is so beautifully written & i have also enjoyed reading the comments (most of them) i am now thankful for the fact that i never was convinced enough to write that journal to my future husband. i am also thankful for youth group crushes growing up but i am so glad that my horizons have broadened and he does not have to wear chacos, play guitar or pray more eloquently than everyone else. thanks for your honesty and for inspiring us to think outside the religious/american dream relationship box we have enclosed ourselves in. .
This is so, so good! Thank you for the wisdom!
hilarious, and true, and i love how you praised your husband and marriage and wholeheartedly spoke of your commitment, and at the same time left ample room for people to understand that happiness isn’t just inherently found in marriage. single people can have awesome, fulfilling, God-satisfied lives, too. i hate that this element gets so lost when we talk about marriage, but you did is so beautifully.
This such a wake up call from dreamy world. I could not put it into better words. Bravo!
Never read you before but a friend shared you on FB. Nicely written and I don’t necessarily disagree with your conclusion but I have some real issues with how you got there. I’m sure your dad is a great guy but I have trouble with theologian, biblical scholar types explaining all the things God doesn’t do, can’t do, won’t do. I believe God knows me intimately and cares about every detail of my life…oh, I’m sorry, I’m mistaken. That only applies to David since he wrote it and it’s in the OT.
You’re not mistaking.
Thank you, Steve.
Hannah,
This is fantastic. I am getting married Saturday actually and this hits right at home to how I am feeling. I laughed the whole way through. My parents also would love to meet your parents as they have often said all of these similar things. Thank you for sharing, for giving me joy, and for reminding me what my commitment on Saturday is about.
Such a great post! I went to church camp as a kid too, and we totally had to make a “perfect husband” list. Must have been a common thing all over the country in the early 2000’s ;). thank God our tastes change, huh? We’d all still be chasing after those dream boys with side swept hair and old school band tees.
Thank you so much for your insight and experience! I really struggle with this, have for years, even though I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ll definitely try to apply your thoughts to the way I approach relationships. For now, I suppose I need to focus on my relationship with God and work on drawing my validation and happiness from Him. If I placed all of my expectations for happinness and validation on my wife’s shoulders, I would get the worst of both worlds. I would be putting intense pressure on my wife causing major stress and grief and compromising my relationship with God by placing my hope in someone other than Him. This stuff is a little bit different from what you covered in your post I know, but it helped me anyway, thanks 🙂
I predict this will go viral.
There’s too much wisdom here to simple gloss over.
Thank you for your post!
Good read!
Incredibly important to remember we find our joy and happiness in The Lord.
When tend to get burned real quick when we put the responsibility of our joy on our spouse.
Inversely, it’s equally as painful when we take full responsibility for our spouses joy.
Just kinda pick someone who can cook and run with it….
I am pretty sure that “Penelope” is riffing on the character that Kristen Wiig did on Saturday Night Live.
I totally agree that we need to take more ownership of our choices as Christians. Fabulous blog 🙂
If the argument is that Jeremiah 29:11 was meant for a particular people for a particular time, whats the scripture did her Dad give, or what revelation was he given to state as fact that God actually has no plan for you or who you are to marry? Where is the basis of such a claim? Does God rule in the affairs of men or not(Daniel 4:17)? We have free will to conform to Gods will or not. But to go against scripture under the words words spoken by her father that cannot be biblicaly, proven, I respectfully disagree.
Yeah, I have to disagree with that part as well. God DOES have good plans for us. They just may not be the plans we think (i.e.- we may not end up with the shaggy-haired youth minister husband with tons of WWJD bracelets). Maybe it would be better to spend our time seeking Him and then those plans will fall into place more easily, without us trying to manipulate everything to go our own way.
Ninuoluwa, perhaps there is no scripture that says God doesn’t have a plan for who you are to marry. But I challenge you to find a verse that says he DOES. Because there isn’t one. Therefore, her father is not going against scripture by saying those things. There is also no biblical basis to the claim “God doesn’t mind what flavour ice-cream you eat”, but it is not unbiblical to say that. If he did mind, it would be in the bible. Just like if he did mind who you married, there would be more instruction about it in the bible. If you wait for a scripture to give you every answer to everything in life you are going to be waiting a very long time.
The bible is not there to answer every question for us. It gives us general rules and guidelines to live by and we are to use those to guide our decisions in all areas of our life. Sometimes the bible will be more specific in certain areas, but in the areas where it isn’t – such as who you should marry – all we can do is take its general teachings and apply those. If we are to know what God wants for us, we are to look to the bible. Beyond the requirement that your spouse is a believer, the bible is silent on any other requirements in a spouse. Yes there are things that are a good idea and beneficial. But required by God to identify a specific partner he has chosen for you? No.
Reblogged this on Relationships Do Matter and commented:
This is an interesting post that goes deep into some of the ‘fatal’ assumptions we have about marriage and relationships. This is definitely going to stir the pot for some and encourage others to reassess their hearts and intentions. As always remember Relationships Do Matter and God bless.
pFlo
Love this!!! Growing up in a family that really believed in what you are referring to above was tough. I was really shattered when my college relationship ended because I thought that that guy was God’s plan for me. I thought I had messed it all up. I made some horrible choices for a couple years after that but I found my way back to God’s open arms and learned the true meaning of His grace. This is a tough concept to explain without sounding that I am dismissing God’s omnipotence but I think you did a great job. I need to save this for my kids!
Thanks for writing this! It really caught my attention because it makes me think about my relationship, and you’re right: sometimes loving someone is a choice, not an inevitability. Most of the time, loving him is the easiest thing in the world, but every so often I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath…and choose to stay in love. I really liked your observation about “finding other halves”, because I often think the same thing; I feel like when people say that it sounds like they don’t think who they are is enough, that they have to have someone else to “complete” them, and that just doesn’t make sense to me. While I love my man dearly, I will not pine away without him. I am actually my own person, surprising as that may be…
I appreciate you sharing your story and encouraging people of all stages of life to recognize the daily choices it takes to make a marriage work, our society can be finicky and restless and out of touch with commitment and perseverance. I do however want to raise a question about some of what you said about Jeremiah 29:11.
-Does your commentary on the verse encourage people to seek more of The Lord in prayer or to take their difficult situations and disappointments and write them off or stuff them down? If we have a right recognition of what it means to prosper (if His nearness is our good, and being holy as he is holy brings us the greatest eternal satisfaction) do we need to disregard that verse and say it can’t be applied to us? I dislike for theology and scholarship to cause us to doubt God’s ability to speak through his word and apply it whether it is in Jeremiah or 1 Corinthians. It was experiences with knowledge filled “youth groupies” who made me stop regularly applying the word to my life for fear I couldn’t because of “original context” or what a commentary said (afterall, I didn’t want to sound naive!) Only in recent years has my prayer life grown as I have trusted God to act in powerful ways and to be truly prospering me when it certainly would seem in the worlds eyes I am failing. So for the single and married person, I would say Jeremiah 29:11 is still relevant, because I do believe the one who knows when I rise and lay down and the one who perceives my thoughts and made me and goes before and behind me, surely he has a plan for whether I will marry or not and either possibility will be for my ultimate prospering.
Final thoughts: I apologize if I am misunderstanding or taking this down an unintended road, once again thank you for sharing your writing in a way that even allows people to respond and reflect with you, that’s a gutsy thing to do.
I am wondering how children fall into this theory. We were all known before the foundations of the earth were set into place, so doesn’t this mean God would know our genetic make up–our heritage and cultural influences throughout our life. If my parents weren’t “meant to be together”, does that mean I wasn’t necessarily meant to be born of their flesh? Would I have ever been created had it not been for their union? I think of my ex-husband, who I yolked myself to through a lust filled evening that resulted in a teen pregnancy, and eventually marriage, and two more children…. Did God not intend for that union (no matter how painful it was) to occur? I know he called my ex-husband to follow Him for those 12 years (and still does to this day), and the result of his infidelity and abuse is the reason for our divorce. But, wasn’t he my intended mate? God created Eve for Adam. He created one woman, rather than several for Adam to choose from.
In the same way, He creates us for His purposes and many of us to be a help-mate to another.
I am now engaged to a very godly man who, through his life experiences, has been prepared for the responsibility that is involved in becoming a father to children who are not his own. Likewise, He has prepared me for the man I am choosing to marry and spend my life with.
I do agree with what you are saying- life is a series of choices and it is up to us to include and glorify God in those. However, I believe he does create us for marriage, or singleness and guides our life to encounter those who He intends for us to meet and unite with. It all goes back to creation and babies…and His sovereignty.
Amen. He knows the plans He has for us. Before our conception, He knew us & what our life would be. As a good parent, He gave us the freedom to accept that life, or alter our course, & He takes our altered choices & makes them into a new life for us.
People are, first and foremost (in God’s eyes), souls, not flesh and blood. It doesn’t matter what your DNA or genetic makeup is – your soul is still you. I have often heard kids listening to stories about how their grandparents or parents met, and joke about how “if X hadn’t happened, I would never have been born!” Maybe they wouldn’t have been born with that particular genetic makeup, but as you point out, God has known us since before time, so we still would have been born. I don’t think the bible comments explicitly on this though, so it is a little bit of speculation, but I think it’s a reasonable guess.
I guess it is also worth considering that perhaps it is true there is one person God has in mind for you, but it is not for you to worry about whether you found “the one” – because whoever you married IS “the one”. But I think your comments about your ex-husband further support the notion that God does not have a particular “intended mate” for us.
Dear Lynn,
I am in the middle of reading some of the VERY LONG responses because I certainly do not have all of the answers and I am still trying to learn through fellow believers. However, I have studied this topic for awhile now and, as someone whose marriage started and ended similar to yours, I believe that God does give us free will; however, within that, I believe He wants us to stay within His laws and stay close to Him to make the best choices for us (listen to the GPS example mentioned above). I did not do that, unfortunately. I lived with my boyfriend prior to marriage. I went against HIS word in that I had sex before marriage and disobeyed/did not honor my parents. To say that my marriage ended in devastation for my children and me is an understatement. Was that God’s will? In my opinion, no. He gives us free will and then we reap what we sow when we disobey. I am sure that we would all agree that our children not having to go through the devastation of divorce would be God’s best… even if it did end amicably. I have learned that listening to Him and obeying His laws is like an umbrella of protection over us (free will), but that when we sin… it’s like we poke holes in the umbrella.
I also believe in the scripture that says everything works for the good for those who love Him. So, though my children and I are FAR out of the woods, I know that what satan meant for evil, will — ULTIMATELY– be used for our good and God’s glory. Prior to that, my children and I ARE going to suffer as a result of my sin! So, yes, I do believe what Hannah is saying… we are going to take responsibility for our choices one way or another… good and bad.
Now, your post HAS challenged me to look at my views in light of our predetermined destinies… I am now motivated to dig deeper into His word and ask God to show me the answers. 🙂 Ultimately, that is what I am learning… THAT is what HE really cares about… for us to keep going back to HIM (an ongoing relationship with HIM)!
…just my 2 cents. 🙂
Best,
Cheryl
Reblogged this on Ovienmhada and commented:
“Teacher, Moses said, ‘If a man dies having no children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up children for his brother.’ Now there were seven brothers among us. The first married and died, and having no children left his wife to his brother. So too the second and third, down to the seventh. After them all, the woman died. In the resurrection, therefore, of the seven, whose wife will she be? For they all had her.”
But Jesus answered them, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.
After reading this as a child, I started to suspect that the whole “soul mate” doctrine was a lie. Though it wasn’t till about 5 years ago that I abandoned it completely, and a year ago that I started going to a church that preached a biblical view on this topic.
The linked blog post perfectly explains my current views on love and marriage from a biblical perspective. It’s about time someone wrote this.
Hannah, I don’t know you but this article is amazing! I, an 18 year old graduating senior, have believed this for literally YEARS! In the southern baptist church, they like to teach everything opposite of what you said. It seems that every other week we landed on the dating/marriage topic and how we just need to hold out for the “one.” Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
What about those of us who married someone who doesn’t love the Lord, and we feel that this relationship is not right for us and that we made a huge mistake? How do I choose every day to love him as I promised to, when I so regret marrying him for the wrong reason instead of trusting that God would provide for my needs?
Jess,
I hope these verses help: 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 (NIV2011)
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
May God grant you peace in your marriage and reveal Himself in a real and life-changing manner to your husband!
Jess,
“instead of trusting that God would provide for my needs”—-well don’t make the same mistake by not trusting God now.
If your husband is willing to be your husband then now is the time to trust the LORD to provide what you need to be his wife!
Read your Bible, find out what it says to wives and by faith choose to obey it. Own that your issue is really between you and God—do you think He is big enough and powerful enough to put a genuine respect and love in your heart for your husband? If you do then ask Him to turn your heart towards your husband and really trust Him to do it—if you don’t, there’s no shame in that, just ask God to help your unbelief!! He is the author and finisher of our faith—faith itself is not a work that we do, God puts it in us and it moves us to do good works—like obeying the commands in the Bible because we love Him and understand what He did for us.
You weren’t able to trust Him with your needs (small thing), so He gives you a relationship (a bigger thing) in which you’ll need to trust Him in for it to work….do you see where this is going?—-trust and obey! for there is no other way!
Pr 3:5&6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and LEAN NOT(don’t trust, don’t act) UNTO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING(feelings & emotions), In all (ALL) your ways (your thinking, actions & words) acknowledge(obey, honour) HIM(Jesus Christ your Saviour & God your Heavenly Father & don’t forget the Holy Spirit;-) and He shall direct(be in control of) your paths(heart, desires, life).
All these (()) are my own interjections—it’s how I teach/explain to my own children; which is how I mean for all this to come across, as a mother lovingly pointing a young one to the Word of God.
Keep your focus on Christ, NOT on your past choices, or on your husband, and definitely not on the grass on the other side—cause it ain’t greener; ON CHRIST AND IN HIS WORD.
Praying for you….
And to Hannah’s blog post in general—what a good laugh, (the snl response and video link…awesome); but also lots of room for discernment when you stop laughing. I kept agreeing with both sides of the elephant, which is unusual because I’m pretty cut and dry. However, as always if I search the Scriptures long enough, I see more clearly that there are no contradictions. I think that Proverbs 3:5&6 explains the technicalities of how there can be harmony between our free will and God’s plan for us. What is it that strikes that perfect cord? Trust. A meek & humble trust in God that yields our will to His Will.
And it points directly back to Christ—this is exactly what He modeled for us. “Father, take this cup from Me, nevertheless, not My will be done, but Thine.”
I think that there are some good observations in here but there are also some incorrect conclusions presented. I feel that there are too many contradictions. For example,
“There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person.”
The way this article is written makes it sound like it is entirely up to us. You may feel like your husband is not your soulmate, but what about God’s divine guidance in your life leading you to meet him. Are you completely negating that?
Also,
“a husband is not only not a biblical promise, it is also not a specific element of God’s “plan for my life.””
Honestly, it depends. What God desires for one person is different from the next. I feel like the way this article is written, it is saying we are entirely a product of our choices and there is no room for God’s divine providence and leading in our life. He will lead us to whomever we will marry. Even if we are 4 years old, there is someone out there for us to marry and God knows it because He is all knowing. He won’t force all of our choices along the way, but He will help us get where we need to be. (That is if we are listening to Him along the way. Of course there are people who plunge ahead headstrong and mess up their lives completely…and miss out on much of what God intended.) I feel like this article disregards this perspective entirely. Yes we are not robots and a product of only forces beyond our control heading toward the illusive soulmate, but we are not abandoned floating islands either, left to make a bunch of guesses through trial and error. I feel like this article is not balanced in this regard. If my daughter came to me starry eyed about the man who God would have for them, I would not be so eager to “pop her bubble” because that really isn’t necessary. You’re right everyone is different and God’s plan might or might not involve marriage, because He desires us to be saved first and foremost. But most people DO get married and marriage is part of His divine plan and my daughter would have to seek God to find His specific plan for her.
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Thank you – you took the words right out of my mouth! I was discussing this with my mom and she told me ‘most people do marry, it’s the norm, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t trust God to guide you in that decision.’
Thank you for articulating my thoughts so poignantly! After all, God chose Eve specifically for Adam. 😉
Thanks for this, Sam!
YES. This complete dichotomy between our choices and God’s choices for us is just false, and frankly, disturbing to hear from so many Christians. Do we not believe in a Holy Spirit who is IN us, leading us? Should we also take credit for our holy lives, since our actions are our own choice? Yes, marriage is about making a commitment, but God is always sovereign.
RE: Sam
I disagree with some of your comments, specifically when you state that “there are people who plunge ahead headstrong and mess up their lives completely…and miss out on much of what God intended.”
While I do think that God has a plan for every single person, I don’t think there is any way that you can ‘mess up’ God’s plan. If you think about it, doesn’t God know us more intimately than we even know ourselves? If so, don’t you think that He knows the type of choices we will make? In fact, those people who do ‘plunge ahead headstrong’ and mess everything up, as you put it, are probably doing nothing more than living up to God’s expectations for them.
Furthermore, I don’t think it’s possible to miss anything that God wants us to experience. It is the height of arrogance to think that we can ever know His plan for us, not to mention how extremely self-centered and egotistical it is to think that any of our choices can take us away from anything He wants us to experience.
As a teenager, I was one of those youth ministry kids; I did bible studies and youth groups, went to church every Sunday, I even attended several Christian youth retreats. I firmly believed that I was on the right path, that I was living the life that God had set out for me, and I was so proud of myself for recognizing and following through with God’s plan for my life. As I grew older I started to question that path, and eventually began to stray away from it. I made choices that I now know were mistakes, and I probably did mess up my life pretty badly. But the thing is, I learned from those mistakes. Those mistakes made me a stronger and smarter person, they helped me to become the person I am today. In fact, ‘messing up my life’ was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Now, looking back at it, I doubt if that first path was ever what God intended for me, even though I was convinced that it was exactly what He wanted. There have been so many amazing opportunities and experiences I would have missed out on if I hadn’t strayed away from that path, important experiences that have helped to define my faith and my aspirations. And that’s because I was one of those “people who plunge ahead headstrong and mess up their lives completely.” But I really don’t feel that I “miss[ed] out on much of what God intended” for me. I feel like He brought me so much more that I could have ever imagined for myself.
Sorry about the long response, but that particular comment struck a very personal chord, and I felt compelled to share my thoughts.
From scripture we can glean that God intends sanctification—a continual growth in holiness for every believer. That’s in the Book, we can count on that, it’s His revealed will for our lives. I believe that like in Eden, He offers us choice. He’s made clear his revealed will for our lives (walking with Him) but he gives us the freedom to choose to ignore/disregard, in sin, his revealed will for us and the specific leading of the Holy Spirit in our inner man. In Eden the choice Adam and Eve faced was submission to God’s command (do not eat of this specific tree) and the reward of perfect life enjoying God or disobedience and the consequences that entailed. But God is a God of grace. When we choose not to seek God, to make decisions we know are wrong and “mess up our lives,” He still works through the sin ( “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”) God knows US intimately and is sovereign in His knowledge of the actions and choices of every single person one of us. His desire for us is always to love and seek Him with our lives. Yet he Has given us the choice to do so or to walk away and miss out on enjoying fellowship with him during those times in our lives. But, as in your life, and I think most of us can testify as well, He mercifully uses our disobedience and sin for GOOD. We should certainly be a grateful people.
It is always a balance. The antimony of God’s Sovereignty and our Freedom of choice will make a difference throughout all decisions in life. Trust God and do your part. Micah 6:8
First time reader that also found you via Facebook here…this is awesome! Seriously, as someone who was also encouraged by my middle school Bible study groups to make “what I want in a husband” lists, it’s uncanny how much I relate to this. The concept of soul mates never really sat well with me, and you did a great job of articulating lots of the reasons why. Totally on point. And I have to say: definitely giggled at your dad’s practical advice and at this line: “I like James so much more than my imaginary, obnoxiously religious, but most likely dumb, youth pastor future husband.”
I love that my 15 year old daughter just gave this to me to read 🙂
I am currently battling within myself whether or not I want to continue seeing the man I’m dating. He is a wonderful man; a Christian, wholly given to serving God, he cares for me, he is kind, he has the character of who I’d always hope I’d have the privilege of marrying one day. So why am I thinking if breaking up with him? Because I just don’t want to marry him. I feel like I’d be locking myself in by continuing with him. Is there something wrong with me? Am I at fault because there is no good reason for me to end the relationship other than I don’t think I can marry him? 😦
Is that out of fear Rose, or do you feel it is something tangible and real? Have you taken this to prayer to the Holy Spirit? It could be as simple as you really just aren’t ready to be married, or perhaps their is something in your spirit telling you this isn’t a good idea. First and foremost seek wisdom from God.
Why would you marry someone you don’t want to be married to?
not wanting to marry him is exactly a reason to break up. if you don’t want to marry him, then don’t. if you’re not going to marry him, then he deserves to know that, and to start looking for someone else. every day you don’t tell him he’s getting more attached to you, and it will make it that much harder on him (and you!) when you do break it off. its okay that there’s nothing specifically “wrong” with him to give you a reason to do it; there’s tons of great guys out there, and they’re not all going to be a good match for you. think of it this way; somewhere out there is the woman he IS going to marry. if you care about him, let him get on with finding her! if he’s as great as you say, let HER get on with finding him! i was in a very similar situation, and waited several months to break up with him, because he was such a nice Christian guy, and i didn’t want to hurt his feelings. but let me tell you, the longer i dragged it out, the harder it was on him, and that wasn’t fair of me. you know?
I think you should go with your gut feeling on this. I had the same struggle with a previous relationship – I was SO torn up over ending it because he seemingly had all the characteristics I wanted in a person, but I just wasn’t feeling it. What I learned is that relationships don’t need a wholly sensible justification for ending – if it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right. It’s difficult not to get “admirable traits” confused with “person who’s right for me.” Does that help at all? Good luck with everything 🙂
I agree with Rick, Rose. Bathe this decision in prayer! Seek out a pastor or minister in your church! Pray! and Fast! Fast! and Pray! This is a HUGE decision and feelings can not always be trusted, either way. I know two people that broke it off for this purpose and one is happily married now and the other well on the way (relationship going great)!
I also agree with Amanda, however. When/if you are sure he is not the one, break it off immediately! Otherwise, it is like lying to him every time you see him, if you think about it.
Will lift you up in prayer!
Love this sooooo much!
Reblogged this on stranger-with-stories and commented:
As a single gal, I can honestly say I LOVE this post:
“At any step here, we could have made other choices and you know what? We might have married other people, or stayed single, and had happy and full lives.
But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.
I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision.”
From someone who is in a long term relationship and has had to make the decision on whether or not to be together long distance and whether or not to move when I wasn’t sure what was in store, this is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read. It is inevitable not to wonder whether or not you made the right decision, whether or not you missed out on something. These words fit that situations to a T. They make me feel as if there was no possible way I could have missed out on a single thing, because I chose to stay in love. From one Hannah to another, I am so thankful for these words!
Wow….just read this from a friends post. I LOVE your advice and perspective. Thank you for sharing!!! 🙂
I am stealing this quote from you “I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.” I know that God told me that I could marry my husband and be happy. He also knew that it would be difficult with the trials we have been given and I am allowed everyday to continue to choose to love my husband even through trials. Do you mind if I quote you in my blog post I’m working on?
I just happened upon this through facebook, and I have to say it was hard for me to relate. It doesn’t agree with my experience. I went to church as a little girl and met the Lord very young. In high school I hardly ever went. I wasn’t part of a youth group. No purity ring for me. Yet, I had extremely powerful moments with God as he fathered me. He spoke to me in a nearly audible voice (which has happened only a few times in my life) when I was 16. I had a boyfriend at the time, and he said–stunned me–“someone else is meant for you.” Two years later, while dating another boy, I became pregnant. Again, God encountered me; this time it changed my life. I had never felt the kind of love that poured down on me. I was overcome and undone. I knew that neither I nor my baby belonged to myself. And here I agree with the author–I made a choice. I chose to follow God the best I knew how. I trusted him to make it work. I told my parents, left college, got married, and had a baby. My spiritual life has been a beautiful unfolding since that moment. In eight years of marriage, I experienced unfathomable verbal abuse, a spouse addicted to drugs and alcohol, financial turmoil, infidelity, and the loss of a baby. My heart was torn open. Christ was with me every step. Every so often he reminded me that this is his plan. He always comforted me, never wanted me to believe the enemy’s lies that I was garbage. But, he allowed me to grow spiritually in ways I never would have had the courage to choose for myself. The past year and a half has been one of transformation. I have struggled to believe the storm is really over. I see the burden lifted off of this man, and in his eyes a deep gratitude. We love each other. We laugh all the time. Our kids are happy. People need more romance, more hope. I think they need to believe more profoundly in providence and the power of God. Everyone has battles to fight. He is the God who goes before us and knows what we need before we ask. Bless Him.
Losing the baby was probably the hardest thing spiritually because it was the least resolved. God is there to give us understanding on so many things, but it’s ok if we don’t everything. He cares about your desires; not just Israel’s desires thousands of years ago. He knows everything about you. Not everyone will marry. Not everyone will live long enough to marry. But some are called to it, meaning it is planned for them. We will all do different things and are given different gifts. It is God’s choosing and our choices intermingled. It’s very romantic, if you ask me.
Thank you for sharing your story, your perspective rings true. We are each individuals, and God is doing something different in each of our lives. We need to look to Him, and not what other people say should or shouldn’t be.
Thank you Randa! Sorry it took me so long to realize I had a follow-up comment. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement. And I very much agree with your last statement.
K, I hope this post is received the way it is meant (NOT judging or saying I have all the answers for sure!)… I am SO sorry for all of your pain! One thing I have learned (after going through a devastating marriage and divorce) is that JUST because we ‘hear’ it, does not mean it’s from God. I am in no way saying you did not hear from him, but — as for me– I thought I heard from God and now I believe that since my (now X) was not AT ALL interested in following God’s laws prior to marriage (protecting my purity), that voice was from satan… not God.
Even IF you end up concluding that it’s the same for you (not from God), I DO believe God works for the good for those who love the Lord! I think what was key in your post (different from my situation ) is that you followed God the best you knew how! I slept with my now ex-husband and KNEW it was wrong (disobeyed God’s laws AND
my parents).
Too long of a story for here… but… I have been divorced 9 years and even though there was infidelity, etc, if I had to do it over… I would have stayed in there and fought for my marriage! The Bible says all we have to do is have faith the size of a mustard seed!
I AM PRAYING FOR THE MIRACLE AND HAVING THE FAITH FOR YOUR MARRIAGE THAT I AM SAD I DID NOT HAVE FOR MY OWN!
http://marriage-missions.com/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy/
God’s speed!
Cheryl,
I really appreciate your response, and I am sorry for what you have gone through. I know that there were times I obeyed God when it was hard–the sermon on the mount takes on a new level of meaning when you’re really struggling–but, I also know that many people prayed for us over the years and God intervened mightily. The Lord would offer reassurance of his promises through glimpses of how my husband would be like Christ one day; sometimes others prayed for us and shared similar words from the Lord. God always let me know that it was HIM who was working on my husband. One of my greatest blessings was having fellowship with strong, faithful believers. I cannot take credit for the work of so many prayers and days spent seeking righteousness. I believe it was a season of my life which God used to shape me in faith, love, and humility, to help put my flesh to death, and to bring glory to Himself.
Please know I separated from my husband when things were especially ugly. The first time it was hard to know whether I was doing the “right” or “wrong” thing. My comfort was scripture about separating your fellowship from the unrepentant and the intense presence of God I felt in those days. It was during this time that we lost the baby. In the days that followed God was so near I could almost point to where he was standing beside me. It was marvelous. After reuniting and a brief period of sobriety, everything fell apart again. I was more than stunned this time; I was mad. For the first time when I talked to my husband, I could truly see how I was dealing with “powers and principalities” and they weren’t fooling me this time. I assured him he would get before God and get free, or we would never be a family again. I say this because it’s important not to paint an incomplete picture. Nothing about this process was easy. I too contemplated divorce and resolved that God would have to solve this problem. I do not judge you for what you have suffered. Surely, neither of us made all the right decisions, but God’s grace will win out. One of the biggest things for me has been to get free from the influence of the enemy who torments us by stealing, killing, and destroying our peace, joy, hope, faith, our belief that God cares about and forgives us, that Christ really wants what is best, and that the Father loves us like crazy–HE DOES! Ultimately, it is not God’s desire to see us languish forever under unbearable burdens. He wants to bless us. The book of Job can be so confusing unless we see this.
One thing I can say is that God answers prayer. I am reminded of when Jesus said to basically not stop asking until you get it in the story of the persistent widow. On the other hand, I had to allow myself to let go of the son I lost so God could heal my grief. We live in a world caught between kingdom and fallenness. Still, I will always push for the kingdom given the choice. I will pray for you Cheryl. I believe God has great things around the corner for you, Bless you!
I loved this post. I have always said I didn’t believe in soul mates, to which I always got lots of disagreement. I think about those that have lost husbands or wives young in their marriage and then remarried….it would make the second marriage seem insignificant. But the truth is God doesn’t want anyone to be alone.
God gave us marriage in order to show us how Christ loves His bride, the Church. There’s also this thing called providence, which for us means God does have a plan for each of our lives, and for many of us that includes a spouse and children, and through them, we are to learn how to love like Christ loves. This article is too cynical. I don’t care who you are, ladies, you are a princess and don’t let anyone tell you different. Fellas, be a white knight, or better yet, be like Christ and give her every last ounce of your strength.
Ryan,
When we can not hear someone’s tone/see body language, it is easy to misinterpret or misunderstand while reading the written word, of course. I do not know Hannah, but I truly think her heart is in the right place and she wants to help others this area.
As someone that is JUST NOW, after 50 years, breaking the chains of the Cinderella Complex, (http://www.nytimes.com/1981/03/22/magazine/the-cinderella-syndrome.html)
I believe this discussion is a very important one! I believed in the fairytales told by the Disney movies and believed by SO MANY in our culture… even Christians, that I NEEDED a man to be complete! So, I married at 23 yrs old thinking I was old and worried that the ‘right one’ might not come along. Marriage ended in disaster — for my children AND me!
After 50 yrs, I am FINALLY learning to break the chains of believing the lie that I need a HUman to be complete! ALL I need is God! I know most Christians would say that, but do we TRULY believe it? Or… IF God asked us not to ever marry, would we be ok with that, when our culture SCREAMS we should be married?
There is a divorce epidemic in our culture, so I think we ALL need to learn more about it! I say Kudo’s to Hannah for getting the conversation started!
>>yes!
>>yes!!
>>Y E S ! ! !
Thank you for this! I am whole heartedly on board with you!
[I think according to your “list” we somehow were ‘waiting’ for the same perfect, super hot Christian guy..hahaha!]
But really, I love everything you shared here, and have recently had my eyes open to similar things that have been ingrained into my being as a result of being a church kid. The intention is good, but its off just enough to keep us from [[rreeally]] living life, a l i v e ! !
Thank you again for sharing your heart =)
Dear Steve,
I have problems with people who say “I’m doing this because God told me to” or “God told me ______ is the one”. I’ve seen it, and experienced it, too many times and when things don’t turn out it’s chalked up to “the mysterious ways of God”. The will of God is open to way too much speculation and interpretation. Of course God cares about the details of your life. But that doesn’t mean God arranged David to meet the perfect woman. He had multiple wives, mostly for political reasons and sex. The only “arranged” marriages in the Bible were A) Adam and Eve (that one is pretty clear cut) and B) Isaac and Rebecca, because she watered a servants camels. God meets us where wherever we choose to go, in every decision. So pick someone you love and like Hannah said they will become your “One”.
Dear Hannah,
I’m so happy for you and James. And I’m very excited that you sent this out into the world. I hope everyone reads it. I totally relate to the teenage version of you. I was that way until college when I finally broke free of it. When I told my (now husband) Zach that I didn’t believe he was “the one” (for the same reasons you mentioned) he almost broke up with me. Why? Because if we weren’t “meant to be together” then that would mean we could be broken up. He had a really hard time understanding me at first. Now he totally gets it, which is good for me ’cause he’s the love of my life.
My sister shared your post with me and when I read it I was literally yelling “Yes!” the whole time. Kudos, eprops, and virtual high fives to you.
Christine
Oh and ps. I’m not going to engage in any debates. That was my two cents. Hannah’s blog is too awesome to clutter with angry words and rebuttals that may arise from any misunderstandings.
>> ” The only “arranged” marriages in the Bible were A) Adam and Eve (that one is pretty clear cut) and B) Isaac and Rebecca, because she watered a servants camels. ”
There were many instances of “arranged marriages” in the Bible. It was cultural.
Also, specifically, the way the second point is stated. ” B) Isaac and Rebecca, because she watered a servants camels.” This seems like a misunderstanding of this passage. It makes it seem like the entire arrangement hindered on Rebecca’s choice to water the camels. It disregards God’s sovreignty in the entire process as he led Abraham’s servant, who prayed that the right one would water the camels. Not sure if that is how you meant it.
I understand people’s frustrations with saying “I’m doing this because God told me to” but the fact is it happens.
Beautiful. I feel the same way. Life takes you on paths and God grants you your path and knowledge and ultimately you chose. I was once told that being in a marriage was like perusing a degree. You should always want to learn more and more until you reach your “doctorate degree” in your spouse. I feel that as you continue to grow, your souls grow together making you soul mates. Beautiful post. Don’t let a couple of bad comments get you down. 🙂
I think God has a plan for everyone’s life that is best for them and that they should make decisions consistent with the teachings of Christ. We cannot change other people, we need to know prospective mates weaknesses and strengths and use good judgment as to your compatibility with your prospective other. If they drive you crazy when you are getting to know them; it is a sure thing that they will be wrong for you. It is necessary for you to be willing to be thoughtful and kind and that they do the same. Every day should be spent finding new ways to make your relationship last for now and forever.
This article definitely caught my attention because it is something I have thought about a lot–whether God has a certain specific person, or as you called it, a “soulmate” for every person, or whether He gives us the choice to marry whom we want. It really does come down to the question of pre-destination vs. free-will, and that is one of those mysteries of God that I don’t think I will ever fully understand, and maybe we’re not meant to! But I think the answer of these two extremes is somewhere in the middle. So I partly agree with you and partly disagree. 🙂
For example, It’s especially difficult to wrestle with that question for someone like me, who comes from a broken home. Both of my parents are Christians, and when they married, they both believed that they were the “right ones” for each other, and yet they divorced. So then, if it was not God’s will for them to marry, then that must mean that I was not in God’s plan. But I don’t actually believe that.
What I have come to believe about this whole thing (and I’m not married or dating anyone) is that God does have a plan for each person, including the person whom we marry, yet we have the choice to step out of His will and do things He did not intend. The key lies in being led by the Holy Spirit. We DO have the choice, about all kinds of things: where we live, who we marry, our career choice, etc. But just because we make a certain choice with our free will does not mean that it was one that He wanted..One of my favorite verses is in Psalms 37:23 “The Lord directs the steps of the godly, He delights in every detail of their lives.” lol and clearly, the person whom you marry is not just a “detail”. So, when it comes to deciding who to marry (or any other major decision), we are supposed to take it to God in prayer, and His Holy Spirit will guide us to the right decision. One of the most amazing experiences I had in my life was when I heard the Holy Spirit speaking to me directly, about several things, but one thing He told me in specific was that He had someone waiting for me, but that it was not anyone I knew. yes, it does kind of put some pressure on me, knowing that I could make potentially “make a mistake”, but if I submit to being led by the Spirit, He’ll guide me to the right person 🙂
Reblogged this on silhouettesofcolor.
I don’t agree with this at all. I don’t believe in “soul mates,” per se, but I do believe that God has very specific plans for our love lives, careers, you name it. There are plenty of proverbs speaking of men gaining God’s favour who find a wife. So obviously, if a man is blessed with a wife, that is a literal blessing from God, so why wouldn’t that be the same for women who find a husband? Saying the contrary is just unbiblical. You cannot say that Scripture says God does not have a plan for a marital partner for us when the evidence in Scripture says otherwise. Nobody can say what plans God has and what knowledge He possesses for our lives, not even you. Obviously quoting verses from Isaiah and Jeremiah can be proven otherwise because those words were spoken to a specific people in a specific culture at a specific time, but you’re forgetting the proverbs that I briefly mentioned above, which is a book of wisdom, not necessarily written to a specific people. I believe the entire basis of her thoughts is a false doctrine.
Hi Hannah. Beautiful post! I deal with young adults here in South Africa and I keep trying to tell them that God only cares about 4 qualities in your future spouse: Loves Jesus, isn’t a relative, is of the opposite sex, and isn’t married to anyone else – so marry ANYONE you like that fits that description. 🙂
This is silly. I don’t have to choose to love him every day, it comes naturally. This feeling when you know someone is the one is so much different than it being readily available to several different people that happen to come along. I could be happy with someone else, but it would never suffice, it would only make due.
Kristen,
I totally agree. Choosing to love through tough times, tough decisions and tough arguments is a real and important thing to do. All relationships take work and commitment on all levels. However, If you’re having to choose to love your partner every day, I think there’s a problem …
Alex, okay, so say there’s a problem, and every day is a hard choice. Then what?? are you saying divorce and start over? what exactly is your point to those who are already married?
Hannah, thank you for your thoughts and honesty. It is refreshing for one a little further up the road to see this level of maturity and transparency. Many Christian singles are going into later parts of life without marriage. Some may need a refresher in what matters most- full abundant Christ centered lives – single or married.
Fellow Christians, when approaching forums or blogs it is best to address the issue not the person. Christ would have pointed to the issues, not re-labeled or tag the person with perceived personality flaws or harsh words.
Thanks you Melody! I agree!
What about the example of Abraham telling his servant to go and find Isaac’s wife? There can be a Divine appointment, don’t you think?
I feel sorry for you.
I am so thankful for this post, I have read on different opinions of the soul mate….and I agree whole heartily…marriage is a love made by choice.
Reblogged this on illecebrousworld.
I believe that we can be spousal soul mates with more than one person (not at the same time, lol). That there is more than one person in this world with whom we can have a loving, fulfilled Godly marriage. I don’t think we are so unique that there is only one person for us. However, I do believe that God has plans for all of his children. And He gives us choice. (amazing) Our job is to seek to know His plan and to follow it.God says I am giving you a choice but I want you to consult me before you choose because I know what’s best for you. And I want you to trust me and love me enough to allow me to guide you. I wonder, when do we determine what God says in his word applied to the people of that time, and when is it applicable to all of God’s people in future generations. And who determines that. So, if God chooses the spouse of one person in a miraculous way that there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that this was God-ordained, and then allows another person to choose their own spouse with his general guidance, what does that mean? Does He trust the second person more to let them make their own choice? Does he care more about the first person? Does he have a specific plan for the first couple that causes him to intervene so directly and dramatically in their lives, but not such a specific plan for the second couple?
Your story is your story and it is valuable in debunking some of the myths about marriage. I would say that your story is not truth for every christian couple. That there are couples that God chose for each other and there are people that, yes, He has a name written on their forehead, FOR JAMES JOHNSON ONLY. Why that is, is a mystery. I know that our responsibility as Christians is to ask God to lead and direct us in EVERY choice that we make, including choosing a spouse. I also know that common sense, education, and wisdom does not always lead to the right choice, meaning the choice that God would have us make. Sometimes God wants us to make a choice that makes no sense (even to christians). Our job is to pray, pray and pray for His leading and for His will to be done in our lives. And to obey.
Celia, I think I agree with you!
God communicates in different ways with his Different children. I know that God wanted me to go to a specific college over the other two I had in mind. Most of my friends didn’t get that advice from God, they got something else (like, it gave you a scholarship and you can learn there). And I am so grateful I went to that college, because that is where I met my husband!
I tend to believe that there isn’t Only One and Only One person to marry. God usually isn’t as specific as that, though I think there’s a Best One. I knew I had come across him when I prayed about marrying him and God gave me the same overwhelming peace He did when I picked a college (and many other life-altering decisions).
God made us differently and He talks to us and reveals His plans in different ways. It’s a mystery but it’s a wonderful mystery!
As a dreamy guitar playing worship leader, I thoroughly dislike this post. haha Just kidding of course, great article!
I totally agree with your thoughts. In fact it’s actually bringing some sort of healing in a weird way to my own thought processes. I believe the idea of choice is so much more powerful than if things were scripted up in a divine fashion. I’ve been reading Danny Silk’s book, “Keep Your Love On,” and according to that book you’d be on the mature end of your view of relationship. I think in our childhood we just get swept away with the idea of how Jesus cradles us into his bosom and wants us so badly. It’s a picture of grace, yet I believe that from that place God also asks us to respond and make a choice to love back. I love how you clearly highlighted that you “choose” to love your husband. Two people to choose each other is powerful. That even though there is a choice to give up or stop loving, one continues to choose to love til the end. wow 🙂
Your dad sounds like my dad! They must have read the same book… I so clearly remember the day he shut down my sister’s belief that her husband-to-be was her “soul mate” – she was devastated and I learnt from it and have never called my husbie soul mate 🙂
Bringing Christian dating back into the realm of real life; great post
I LOVE this. for real, you wrote some truth down here and i am glad there are more and more people out there thinking the same about marriage / single life!
love from germany. x
I certainly don’t believe in a “soul mate” (such a toxic premise), though I do reject the idea that our God is anyhow disinterested or aloof in our choosing of a spouse (though I don’t necessarily think that is your opinion, either 🙂 ). If He exists and orchestrates His divine work in/through dimensions & realms (string theory would suggest at least eleven) that we could never fully comprehend, surely we can’t reduce the idea of His purpose/plan–in any aspect of life–to a simple imperative of “you must choose” or “He must choose”. It would be like a two-dimensional drawing on a piece of paper trying to contemplate an object that at once looks starkly like a triangle, but at another glance must certainly be a square. A third-dimensional being would lovingly chuckle at the simple creature who, unbeknownst to him, had been contemplating an actual pyramid all along, wrecked with anxiety over labeling it as either one shape or the other. If only that two-dimensional creature could comprehend the true beauty of the object it beheld–which not only is BOTH a triangle and square, but is more stable and substantial than either shape is on its own. In regards to finding a spouse, I think our God loves us, he wants to bless us, and he is intimately acquainted with every aspect of our life. I believe he wants us to relax, rest in Him, and trust that life is a crazy, beautiful combination of seeking God’s will/opportunity AND utilizing the facilities he has blessed us with (analytical reasoning, free will, etc.) along the way. We small-minded humans, much like that two-dimensional creature, can only hope to experience His overwhelming truth and complex beauty in glimpses that simultaneously bewilder, humble, and comfort us. Our lives, our choices, and his interaction with us must be to him some of the most beautiful, multi-dimensional works of art that ever existed!
In a word… “Boundaries”… God created us with free will, not as automatons who go through a completely prescribed life and path. He is the God who wants what is best for us, wants us to be happy and fulfilled, and yes we do get to make choices! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your inspired post, this dovetails beautifully with my own personal journey into HIS healing the last few years. It’s liberating to realize he gives us choices!
Keep on writing! You have a gift, thank you for sharing it!
Just to say, I’ve had some good time (nearly 2 hours) reading your blog for the first time. I loved to photography and the stories, the good and beautiful moments captured there. And like with many others before me, laughter, even tears. Good stuff on marriage & love!
I’m glad that I clicked that link that someone I have never met (Jonathan Welton) posted on fb. 🙂
All the best and God bless!
-Janne V. / Scotland (originally from Finland)
And in 24 more years, you may look at the man who thinks he looks nothing like he did when you married him (but you don’t really see any difference!) and realize: We’re soul mates. When did that happen?
Agree!
Yep. : )
I do pray for my future husband, not because I think he’s my soul-mate, but because I believe he exists somewhere, and I’m sure he could use some prayer, right? I pray that God will show him his weakness and His strength, and that he would learn to love well. I also write letters to him, that I don’t particularly plan on reading to him, but they help me get a better perspective on marriage and what it will be like. They are also strikingly unromantic, because they always turn out to be something I’ve been thinking about, even when I try to write my feelings.
I think a lot of what was said here is very needed. However, the idea of soul mate is not a completely un-Biblical idea. While God never says I have one specific person for you, people who believe that he does, generally take it from the fact that God gave Adam, Eve. He didn’t give him a mirage of women to choose from he gave Adam one. On the other hand I say, if you are married to them, they are the one. Until death (or they divorce you, or you divorce them on Biblical grounds) you are to be completely committed to them as if they were the only person for you. I always hated the idea of a list because most of the time I don’t know what I really want and certainly not what I need.
The last thing I wanted to say was as I have gotten older is that there are actually far fewer people you could live with happily then those you want to kill after the first day. While I think there are many people you can put up with for a few years (say roommate in college), but there are more things to drive you nuts when there is commitment to keep and you love them even more. Also I don’t believe God necessarily controls all your decisions, but a spouse is a huge one, They are your ministry partner and I do not mean pastor/missionary. You have a ministry where ever you are, most important is your children when you have them, and when I think this man is influencing my children his role means a lot more to me. Anyways I enjoyed every thing your post brought out in the lies of how Christians have viewed the kissed dating good-bye movement. And that once you are married to someone, you are married to them. I was encouraged that people still hold this view.
Hannah, where have YOU been my whole life? This is so spot-on everything I have been thinking through (leading up to my own wedding in February 2014). Nights of Kissing Dating Goodbye and Silver Ring Thing-ing could have been spent being taught the important principles: become more like Christ and you’ll be satisfied. Satisfaction in Him, not future Youth Pastor husband (who I was convinced I would marry). I also don’t believe that my future husband (who’s a scientist, not a pastor!) is my “soul mate”, but not because I don’t adore him — I do! — but because God gave us a brain and the ability to make choices. Praise Him!
PS I like you. Let’s be friends? 🙂
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. I agree with what you are saying, and sometimes it is frustrating for me when others do not desire to understand my viewpoint 🙂 I want to encourage you to remember that no one can discredit your journey, feelings or worth! The Lord has taken you in this direction and He is pleased that you want Him to be first. Don’t let a few critiques discourage you in writing about your own experiences because they are yours! Although this was an eloquently written post (and I loved it!) people disagree because they have their own experience or simply do not understand (as I’m sure you already know :)). Anywho, I appreciated this!
I almost didn’t marry my best friend because I had the mindset that God had chosen the worship leader, totally right for me in every way, guy for me to marry. Both had proposed, and I felt like I was rebelling against God when I finally said, “I want to marry my best friend! So I’m doing it, even though this is not God’s will.” It took a while, but I do believe God was working on my heart to show me the difference between free will and his “bigger picture will” for my life. So glad I married my best friend. I, too, grew up with the whole “wait for me as I wait for you” concept. (i.e. no dating at all.) And while it probably saved me a lot of heartache in the end, I sure had a messed up view on how God’s will works. Thank you for writing this.
Your post has reached Germany 🙂
I think you have a very helpful perspective and really enjoyed reading your text. For a long time, I, too, thought that God had “the one” for me, which left me devastated when “the one” broke up with me. Even now, I sometimes realize I’m deep in my heart still clinging on to the idea that, one day, he might come back – being “the one”…. To think that I can have blessed “great marriages” with several people (well, one of them, of course ;)) is quite relaxing. Right now, I’m learning to enjoy a full life being single and in love with Jesus.
So, your article might be one of the many small impulses helping me to let go of my ex. I just have some minor remarks on your text…
– I do think we can take some of the promises God made to Israel as personal promises for us. If they only and exclusively applied to a special people in a special time, what use would they have being in the Bibel? I think by promising to take care of Israel, God revealed how HE is, and as he is the same through the ages, he will also take care of us. I don’t think you were wrong in claiming that verse in Jeremiah for yourself. You merely were wrong interpreting it as the promise of a HUSBAND. God does promise to take care of us, and I think he also does so by promises in the Old Testament. However, he never promised a husband for everyone. Maybe, it’s best for me not to get married and just enjoy the intimacy with God. But I am sure he wants my best.
– I really like the idea that there are several people with whom I might lead a good marriage and I agree that this is our own choice. Nevertheless I do consider it important to seek God’s will before entering into a relationship/marriage. Because although there might be several “Mr. Rights”, I believe that some persons would be “wrong” for me – even if they were Christians. Asking for God’s opinion before making such a decision, I want to give him the chance to say “no”.
– Finally – that’s rather off-topic and I hope it’s not rude to ask – I was confused why your husband “has to die first”. How do you know? Or, if this is just your wish, is it out of selflessness, because you want to spare him the fate of being a widower?
Anyway, thank you very much for your helpful thoughts!
Greetings from Germany 🙂
Hi Bella, think she was joking about that husband dying before her bit. 😛
Yeah, and how about Christian Mingle? “Find God’s match for you”. Plastic marketing.
I’m thankful for this post, Hannah. I too was that girl, that for so long bought into the promises of “the one”, wrote letters to my “future husband” and yadayada. Throughout my twenties as I have continued to be single, I have learned many things through observation and my own growing dependence on the Lord. I truly believe marriage is a beautiful thing, and singleness can be as well (not to say it is easy by any means). I whole-heartedly believe all things are ordained by God before the beginning of time, including the seasons of our life and who we are going to marry (meaning, God knew before the foundation of the world whether or not we will marry and whom) or what avenue of service we will fill our life with. All that being said, I also believe that God has created us with intellect and the ability to make decisions. If we are living our lives in pursuit of growing deeper in our relationship with the Lord, growing in obedience for Him (obedience which flows from a heart of gratitude and praise for HIS grace, love and kindness in our lives), then we are in His will. We then are able to choose where we will go to college, what job offer to accept, or whom to marry.
I like the thoughts on having more than one “soul mate” (which could include a spouse or a close friend) and the idea of growing as soul mates in a marriage as you make the choice to love each and every day.
I probably could continue, but I’d be rambling more than I already am. Thanks for this post! I appreciate it! Your wedding pics are beautiful! 🙂
a lot of good points, but from experience, i can say that you don’t even need to be attracted to the guy b4 dating at least. i always thought i would be, but when my husband-to-be came along, i was not attracted to him. he was a good, Christian man who came to respect immensely as we dated, & yes, i’m def. attracted to him now & i was b4 we were married, but my advice to females out there is this: do not turn a date down because you aren’t attracted to him; if you respect him, i honestly feel that attraction can & will follow. it did for me & i’ve heard several other testimonies of it as well.
I completely agree. The same thing happened to me.
I too was swept up in the “Kiss Dating Goodbye” wave. I didn’t grow up in a church-going, Christian home and I think that the book and the fantasies I had about God having one perfect person for me gave me peace that I could break the terrible cycle in my family of marry, divorce, marry, divorce, etc. However, I remember feeling worried that I could (and most likely would) screw it up and then the entire plan for my life would not work out because I didn’t marry God’s perfect one for me. I too wrote letters and kept a journal for my future hubby. And, you are right- it is hilarious to go back and read them. I didn’t get married until I was 33 and in my 20’s I signed up for a Christian online dating site and guess what? I was always getting matched up with youth ministers and pastors, and I thought for sure that I would meet my super-spiritual husband and fade off into the sunset. What I got instead was a lot of awkward dating moments, interesting/funny stories and disappointment. I was disappointed because I was feeling constantly let-down from my ridiculous and totally unrealistic expectations. Finally, through God’s help, I decided when I turned 30 to start working on myself and stop being obsessed with meeting the perfect one. I went to counseling to work through the issues I had from my childhood and my broken family, I got involved in a small group of other young women to “do life with”, and I started working on my issues of fear and worry. Of course, all of this was through my relationship with the Lord and he used that time to heal many broken places in my life that I was expecting a husband to do. Thank you, Lord, that I didn’t marry right out of college. No man could have ever, ever, ever meet those expectations and met those needs in me. My marriage would have surely been a complete disaster. God is so good to save us from ourselves, isn’t he? So, I ended up meeting, dating, and marrying and super cute wood-worker- not a youth minister or a pastor. He was 37 when we met, never married, and he has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. Marriage is fantastic but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I realize that God uses it to constantly challenge me to do all of those things that are so easy to give advice on when you are single like putting another persons needs before your own, and serving someone else even when you don’t feel like it because they make you mad. But, like you, I am committed to staying “in love” with my husband. He is the funniest, kindest, most fabulous guy I know and HE IS MINE!!!! WHOOOHOOOOO!!!!!! I cannot imagine life without him and my 2 year old son. Seeing him be a dad has made me fall in love with him all over again! Thanks a lot for this post!
Enjoyed your post, Cindy! CONGRATS!!
i agree, great post, also i think there isn’t just one, God said it’s not good for man to be alone, I think when my mother died, I wanted and still want to believe that of course there is someone else out there who can partner through life with my dad.
Love it…
Wow! Thank you for these words. Personally, I spent a long time holding on to this twisted notion that my choices/opinions didn’t matter when it came to things like this. (In fact, if we’re being honest here, this is a very recent/ongoing struggle). For some reason, I got it in my head that God was going to “reveal” to me “the one” in a set moment, and so every person before that, I have written off saying “oh, he’s great… but it’s not the right moment, so I don’t think I should even try”
Right now, I’m struggling with this as I have become more connected with someone who I can really see good things with down the line. But I stop myself because I think “oh, well, uh… not yet, I guess. I should just quit this right now!”
But here, in the midst of this struggle, I find this posted on Facebook and suddenly I’m shaken in the most wonderful way. In the last few hours, I have begun to reevaluate my thinking and I realize that maybe I created this “grand plan” as a way to cope with the bad luck I’ve seemed to have in the past.
Hmm, there are some ways where I do feel God has something in store, but this post has definitely shaken me. I can’t help but think of Moses pleading for God to spare Israel (okay, dark comparison, yes… but there’s a point!). I think God DID have a plan all along, but part of that plan was allowing Moses to intercede on their behalf. God DESIRES our input because that is exactly as s/he made us to be — to question, learn, grow, and choose!
Okay, I’ll step down now — but really. Thank you for sharing these good words. I know a lot of people need/ed to hear them
Hey! I really love this post – I agree with some much of your post as it relates to the truth of the bible. I was the churchy girl, with a notebook full of “have-to’s” and the Christ-following ones, my hubby meets, the personal ones – well, I chose him anyway. My husband very much turned out to be more than I knew I wanted – and I am grateful that God let me meet him, and that He allowed me to be Chase’s wife. I too choose to love my husband, and agree with the idea that he only became my “soul-mate” when I married him! But that is where I have issue with your post. My husband is my soul-mate biblically speaking because when I married him the bible says in Mark 10:6-9 that two become one flesh – now we could say that is just the physical, but I see that although I keep my own mind, my husbands mind is also mine – I have to be in it, we have to think like one. My heart is my own, but I have to consider and be in his heart when we make choices and choose to continue following Christ together. Especially because he is the leader of my home, His mind has to be mine, I have to respect his choices and bring my complete self to be in line with whom God has chosen to lead our home. However to say that your bodies, minds, and hearts are connected but from your title, not your souls is mis-guided and in my opinion incorrect. I love all your others points, but I hope that you would consider how it appears to someone pulling this up to read when they are married to someone who is their complete mate, by choice, and that includes the soul.
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Very well thought out observations! After 50 years, I can say I am married to the “right” man. He became the “right” man the day I married him.
Congratulations on your one year anniversary. I did not ever read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye but all my friends at Bible College did.
What a wonderful post! I live in Kentucky and this post has been bouncing around my friends Facebook pages this week, so I decided to click on and read it. I’m so glad I did. I’d love for you to link it to my website this week. Thanks!
http://www.heartreflected.com
WOW!!! That’s exactly how I was raised! I now have 2 young teenage daughters & I’m so grateful for this reminder & so wish id known it then! i actually do have a really good marriage but there are days i have to remmeber its my CHOICE!!! This will be our conversation tonite! Thank you!!!!
Thank you for this insightful post. It helps me as I pray for our adult daughter.
Nicely done, Hannah.
33-years later, my wife is still the best thing that ever happened to me, but she’s nothing like me, and that’s why we “click;” Complelt one another. I am passing this to a couple about to marry in October. Thank you for sharing; you are wise beyond your years.
Reblogged this on pursuethenew and commented:
The anointing in finding your right spouse is just to make a right decision.
Good stuff. Doesn’t the same logic apply to having children (or not), though?
I would say yes. This is just my opinion (and I totally agree with Hannah re: marriage). If God leaves the #1 most important choice in our lives (whether or not to believe in Him) why would he not leave the less important choices like who to marry, and how many children to have up to us as well. I believe God gives us the gifts of reason and logic and common sense, and wants us to use them, along with prayer to make decisions we believe is best for us. If we screw something up too badly, He’ll let us know.
I’m SO relieved to read this. I mean, I wanted to say it, and say it out loud but for fear of the scorn and disapproval that might come to mess with Accepted Truth (that you must marry a ‘soulmate’). Thank you thank you for sharing these thoughts with the rest of us. Now I can confidently say out loud what was a secret all along: I didn’t marry my soulmate either.
This is EXCELLENT – I LOVE this post, its so right on! and your wedding pictures are gorgeous. Love, prayers and blessings on you and your family.
I just wanted to drop a quick note and say thank you for your words. I’m a recovering pastor’s kid who had “Kiss Dating Goodbye” and other “inspired” dating works force fed to me. I’ve been married for 9 years now and have a 7 year old son and a 2 year old girl. Not one moment of my dating life, my marriage, and the life we have now was ever read about in those books and was not taught to me by my youth pastors. I can only hope that my wife and I can teach our children what you’ve outlined here. Ironically, my wife married someone who didn’t fit the “youth pastor” mold you spoke of. I ran opposite of the church for some years. However, I’m now in my third year as a youth pastor. James could still make the club 😀 I’m not the person my wife married 9 years ago and my wife is not the person I married, yet she’s still the “right” one for me. Thanks again for the thought-provoking words.
Outstanding !
I enjoyed your perspective! We will be celebrating our 12th anniversary next month, and it still amazes me how our relationship has grown over the years- we have been friends since we were 10 years old! What comes to my mind when I think of that ‘something’ we have with certain people, is kindred spirits- like in Anne of Green Gables 🙂 I’m so thankful that my husband and I are kindred spirits, and thankful that my closest friends are, too! As we teach our children, we find ourselves telling them often that God can and will use them to His purpose, no matter their job or marriage status or location, as long as they are His willing servants, seeking to glorify the Lord in their thoughts and actions. We pray for their futures, telling them that we are praying for whichever future they will choose, not a particular person or job, but the one they ultimately will have- hard to explain to little ones! Great post. God bless you!
Wow, great post!
Loved reading this! Loved it so much that I’m sharing it on my Facebook 😀 Thanks for the refreshing truth and for how you presented it. Wonderful. So many of us are so mistaken about God’s plans for us; we all just need to broaden our imaginations when thinking about God and His plans. Diverse variety and the ability to choose are wonderful gifts from God. Thanks for sharing; life with a will to do this or that is one thrilling opportunity after another. What a cool God we have. He gives good gifts.
Hannah… My daughter likes your article and I like your dad. good job!
Thank you for sharing this. It really spoke to me about the daily choice I nees to make to love my husband more.
I’m a little old for the whole “kiss dating goodbye” scene. However, I was raised in a church that promoted the underlying theology of “The Only One For Me”. Being that I was dating a girl in church youth group, we both bought into this theology and self-appointed each other as God’s chosen. Ironically, this did not lead to greater Christ-likeness, but increased sexual activity because — hey this is blessed by God. Right? Looking back, I imagine I manipulated what was being taught in church to my own ends. I was 16 after all. Long story short, that relationship turned into a self-destructive mess quickly. And yet, neither one of us wanted to give it up because we believed it was divinely blessed. We finally broke up when we were 20 and went our separate ways. Unfortunately, we never had (or took?) time to forgive and reconcile. Today, she is happily married to a godly man and I am happily married to a godly woman.
As a divorced woman in my 20s, I just want to hug you. This is amazingly insightful, and something I wish my ex-husband would’ve realized. Something I wish I would’ve realized. I’ve been gravitating towards this way of thinking over the past year, and it’s something I’ve been practicing in my new relationship… I just wasn’t quite sure how to express those feelings. You nailed it!
My husband and I found each other at a dating service in 1996, before doing so was cool or online. I was looking for a man in the big city that wanted to be a church going country boy. I wasn’t looking for romance, I was looking for compatible dreams. Romance is generic but dreams are personal.
Great post!
Many years to you and your husband! May you live to see your children’s children!
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!!! I was in college during the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” fad. AND I had a list…a ridiculous list. I waited/agonized for this “perfect man”. Then, I threw the list away & made a shorter list…very similar to yours: Christian man…loves God & loves people. A few months later, I met my husband and we laugh together so much sometimes it hurts. I’m not saying that this formula will work for others: give up on list then find husband a few months later. What I am saying is: give up on list and stop agonizing and start LIVING and enjoying the sandbox God has for us to play in (Dallas Willard “Hearing God”)!!!
I don’t remember who I know who shared a link to this from Facebook. I enjoyed your post. I am 60, and fell away from God in my 20s. My faith returned 30 some years ago this month. I remember praying for God’s guidance in decision making over the years. I have found He doesn’t have a specific church I am to go to, and does not desire to control my every move, except that I am in His Word, and walking in faith. Wherever I go, He is with me. Praise Him! (I hope you get the connection to what I am saying, and the fact that He did not have a specific husband for you in mind.)
Sorry, writer….. but Your God is too small ! Jeremiah 29:11 says God does have plans for us. I can not agree with you but I am glad that your sacred covenant with your husband appears to be strong.
What an interesting and fresh view … Thank you for sharing! I really like the use of Bible verses to claim your “hottie from God” Bahahaha. I SO did that!!
Now, after several disastrous relationships and as my 40th birthday approaches, I so appreciate this blog and the reflection that caused… Thank you! 🙂
Dear Hannah,
Thank you for your insightful post. I, too, had great expectations regarding my “soul mate.” As I grow spiritually, I realize how harmful and insidious these expectations are and how they most certainly are not of God. They can be toxic to a relationship and marriage. Thankfully, my non-soulmate husband is a patient and wise man, and he knew long ago that love is not sustained by butterflies. He just had to deal with me as I came to terms with it. GOD is the one who completes me, not my husband. Thank you for reaffirming this Biblical perspective.
I loved reading this. I think that so many people think that just because they find “the one”, that their relationship(s), not just their marriage(s), will magically work. I’m celebrating my 3 year anniversary next Tuesday, and it really is a daily commitment to the same person that keeps it going. So, this was a great way to start my Tuesday morning!
Great post. I wonder if there’s a little room for mystery/paradox that God’s perfect will is also mixed in there, but I totally get what you’re saying.
Just a little side note in his defense, Josh Harris has taken back a lot of what he wrote in that first book. He’s a great solid guy/pastor/author.
I can so relate to all the youth group crazy (and sometimes sad) teaching, ha!
How the heck has Josh Harris ever taken back anything in that book? It’s a wonderful book and is absolutely NOT about this post.
Most importantly for me and for all, Believers and Non-Believers, is that we make the choice to Love, and it’s a Forever, till death do we part choice. The man I chose, knowing that he was not the best for me, was the love of my life. God took him after only 16 years together.
Oh my gosh! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this. I think as teenage girls, we all had that fantasy. The man I married is nothing like I “envisioned” he would be as a teen. But despite the fact that he isn’t a guitar player with amazing hair blowing in the breeze, I choose to love him… Such a great read. Thank you for sharing your heart with us 🙂
I still LOVE glitter though 😉
Do you ever have that moment when someone puts words to what you have never been able to describe? This is it. I get married in 4 days. And I have had more people ask if I am nervous than I can count. And I’m always struggling to answer that question because I know people are judging my reaction. Yes, I love my to be husband, but it is not the soul mate situation. I am not swept away by our love. Our love is not out of a fairytale, but it is special because it is uniquely OURS. I am nervous because I know we are not perfect. Marriage is not easy and I am nervous that we will make too many mistakesm and forget that we have to make our fairytale work. God doesn’t make us fall out of love, we have to always remember that we chose each other and work at it everyday. I’m not nervous to marry my best friend I know that I want to be with him. I am nervous for life and what rough roads we travel because there will be bumps.
I will be praying for you Calli…that you find these next few days to be blessed beyond measure. Next year, I will have been married for 20 years. I have 5 children and I can assure you that there will be many bumps (there are for EVERYONE),….but it is a beautiful journey when you choose to love forever. Marrying your best friend is a wonderful beginning.
Lovely article, thanks so much for posting!
Love this – so very very much. I used to worry because I didn’t have those “soul-matey” vibes from my husband, but I knew I loved him, and enjoyed spending time with him, and wanted to grow old with him. There were so many of my friends who were convinced he was the wrong choice because I never claimed he was my soul mate. Then when I went through my cancer treatment this last year, and he was my rock in so many ways….I knew I made the right choice all those years ago. Thanks for putting into words what I didn’t even realize I was feeling!
I guess I dodged a bullet with the whole “Kissed Dating Good-bye” thing – it came out the year I married my Soulmate (1997). I never wrote letters to my future spouse, never prayed for a guitar playing youth minister to be my other half… in fact, the first time I met my husband, I was dating someone else – so I felt overwhelming guilt that the moment our eyes met, over the top of a bus seat, I felt an instant connection with him (as he did with me). Six months passed before we admitted to each other our interest, & that was while we were on a double date – and we weren’t each other’s date! But from that moment on, we knew that God had orchestrated our meeting, down to every last detail. (It should be noted that by that point I had decided not to ever get married, because I was tired of dealing with guys & their singlemindedness… I had no intention of ever dating again, much less getting married. Only God could have changed my heart.)
We’ve been married for over 16 years now (together over 18), & with each passing year, I am even more convinced that my husband is The One that God picked out just.for.me. We both moved to the same podunk town that people move from – you don’t move to it – within a few months of each other, driven there by forces out of our control. During our first hours-long conversation on that double-date night (when we left our dates for a walk in the sub-freezing winter air, neither of us enjoying the place we had landed), each word we uttered, each reflection we made, were the missing stitches on a tapestry, showing us a completed picture we could not have envisioned on our own.
He has a mathematical brain – mine runs on the written word & the arts. He likes rock n roll, I prefer worship. He reads fiction, I devour nonfiction. He likes steak, I prefer chicken. He takes the kids on thrill seeking adventures, while I feather our nest & give them a soft place to land. Our interests & abilities are perfectly complimentary to one another – I could very well have been made from his rib, as I contain all the parts that make him whole. And when I am beside my beloved, he completes me. (Aside from God, of course – no one can complete a person in that manner.)
The years haven’t been easy, even though we are only thirty-somethings now. We’ve faced an endless list of challenges from day one – the deaths of multiple family members, health struggles, infertility, job loss, unemployment, underemployment, financial struggles beyond our control, disability, in addition to the usual day to day marriage issues – and with each new challenge, once we’ve had the chance to sit back & breathe, we’ve both looked at each other with newfound love & admiration & gratitude for The One that God put beside us to walk through this life with.
Of course, we could have walked away from all of it. God gives us Free Will, & we could have very easily decided to turn away from this blessing. We dated for over two years before getting married (though we knew within two months that we were meant for each other), & I’d be lying if I said we didn’t fight. We are both very hard headed, hot headed, passionate people – we firmly believe what we each firmly believe, & no one (not even our Soulmate) can change our opinions on certain matters. Only once while dating did we consider parting ways, & before the night was over, we realized we would be sacrificing our better half if we broke up. (We were whole in our own right before marriage – but in marriage, two become one – so he is my other half, just as I am his.)
Is there only one person for each of us in this whole, wide world? No. I think there is The One, & then I think there is The One We Choose if we make a different choice from what God has planned for us. Because of our Free Will, we can choose where we go in our life & who we marry, even if it isn’t in God’s plan for us. We may choose someone before we meet The One that He has set aside for us. Or we may forego The One He picked for us in hopes of greener pastures. But once you have said I Do, your spouse becomes The One, & God will bless your marriage if you abide in Him.
Please don’t discount the fact that God can handpick a spouse, even in this day & age. For some of us, the evidence is so clearly overwhelming, it proves that God is still in control of every aspect of our lives, if we choose to allow His hand to create our path for us.
Thank you for sharing this, my thoughts exactly.
Yes!!!
Thank you Laura for sharing. This was very well put.
Wow! Thanks for your post, Laura! Beautifully written! I LOVE the idea of God hand selecting my mate! 🙂 Goodness knows I need help! lol! Although, I have CLEARLY heard form Him saying He wants me to work on ME, first! Though I believe like Hannah that there is not just one soul mate, I DO think God has someone in this world waiting for me (the 2nd time around). I was not abiding him Him the first time around, unfortunately.
hi Cheryl, from personal experience.. Best to let God work on you 1st then meet your #2 [cos God is #1] that way you save your self a whole lotta heart ache. 😉 I’m married to my #2 God definitely hand picked for me. But it’s been a very testing journey! So Trust me. . God’s #2 for you is worth the wait^^
Completely agree with your comment. I do believe my husband is my soulmate, we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and it’s very evident to me that God handpicked my husband but I had the freewill to choose to be married to him.
Great discussion.
I came across this blog via a Facebook acquaintance. I’m not religious; in fact, I am agnostic, and so are my daughters: one newly married and one newly engaged. I would give this dead-on advice to both of them, as it applies to marriage no matter one’s beliefs. Your husband’s recreated 14-year-old’s wish for his future wife made me laugh out loud! Except that he probably would have spelled “ÿou’re” as “ÿour”.
I completely love this post. Many things about it are very controversial for some, but I love it! When we focus on that “one” person our minds can get so pre-occupied with it. We hold them up to our lists and our ideals… when God is so much bigger.
While I understand your premise here and your rejection of the pie in the sky ideas placed in your head as a youth, I must respectfully disagree with your conclusions. It seems as if you rejected God’s direction in its entirety and have shifted to the opposite end of the spectrum. I disagree with both ends and believe that the truth is somewhere in the middle.
We do all have free will, however, I believe we were created with God’s specific purpose for our lives in mind. Just as He knew Jeremiah before he formed him and created Jeremiah for a specific purpose – as indicated by God in Jeremiah 1:5 – I believe He sees each one of us and our lives before we live them.
When we draw near to God and search out our God-given specific gifts and purpose, our options for a spouse become more limited as well. We search out the person that matches that. When you were 15, you were still discovering that plan for you and who you were created to be – what makes you, you.
I never did get into the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” craze, but I did always have a desire to please God in my life and to live the future He had for me.
I spent my twenties happliy single and pursuing God’s plan for me daily. When I turned 30, I met my husband and the decisions I had prayerfully made up to that point revealed themselves as God’s hand weaving our lives together. God had revealed things to me in the years leading up to meeting my husband that didn’t make much sense to me until I met him and the puzzle peices fell together.
I will not be telling my daughter that God does not care who she marries, but rather directing her to pursue Him rather than a guy. Her decisions for her future will either broaden or narrow her options for a spouse.
Good point TD! I just LOVE that Hannah opened up this dialogue though! Good stuff!
I think it needs to come from a balanced viewpoint. The idea that God has someone ‘tailormade’ is very unhelpful, as if someone was tailor made they wouldnt have a flaw, we are all sinners. I think the idea that Gods will is somthing that we have to work out before hand otherwise we might do the wrong thing, is unhelpful and crippling, and has too small a view of God.
However, I do 100% believe that God does have a will for our lives but works it through the choices that we make and the circumstrances in our lives. Even the smallest can be transforming, if we let it. God worked through Josephs very specific circumstances (the most undesriable ones) to make him ready for the tole that he was going to bring him into.
So, in a sense, because God knows who we are going to get married to, he does bring along someone and have someone in the same way that all the good things we have are a gift from God, and he can bring along someone who we really like and get on with. I do believe in a general application of the Jeremiah promise for Gods people, but in a much bigger picture than we could think of, of God transforming our natrual desires into bigger desires, and God giving us the ultimate future and hope of Himself, no matter what happens or does not happen in our lives.
I am sure that God’s will for our life is in everything…not just certain parts of our life. For example, we pray for a job we should take, where we should live…etc. one decision can change our life totally in every aspect. God’s will is there…and He will still bless us even if we do not do what His will is, but we will not receive the same blessings as if we were to do His will in the first place. He has a plan for our life, and if we take a detour from it, we cannot do some of the things that God has planned for us. So back to marriage, I feel God does have a person planned for us like He does in every other aspect of our life.
I work as the chaplain to a bunch of college students. You better believe your post will be used in an upcoming bible study during the year. The part I love most is your explicit commitment to continually love your partner, whether or not he is your soulmate. This is the point I think most young adults are not getting. It takes abundant love to continue on. Thanks.
Wow, my husband has been trying to explain this to me for a while now. I used to refuse the thought that we could have married anyone and have great lives. But I get it.. there is no one person because the person you choose to love everyday is becomes your one person. Thanks for sharing!
people are ridiculous
Where was this when I was in college!?! Gah! Great post. Thanks!
I’m glad to see that there’s at least one Christian woman out there who’s encouraging our sisters to not hold all of us men to a standard of being “obnoxiously religious” worship leader types! For my part, I’m trying to encourage our brothers to look outside the box of the quiet, reserved, cookie-baking ministry wife. Such women are indeed wonderful, but no woman should be pressured to conform to any image or standard other than who God has made and called her to be.
Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt story and words.. I am 50 my new husband is 46..we met on a dating site in December of 2010 and have been together every day since 🙂 We just got married over Memorial Day weekend 2013. I know God has a plan for me & him and I need to remember I/we are not in control of anything. I look at my new husband and I see a man who makes me laugh and has made me cry but I would rather be with him not only in our best moments but our worst. He goes out of his way to make me happy and I try my best to do the same . We know we are both human and will make mistakes but we chose to do everything together….we take one day at a time and enjoy that day as tomorrow is never promised.
Whoa, girl! This one got a lot of publicity! Great thoughts! I had the privilege of a daddy who told me much of that wisdom, too. It’s pretty great when you realize God doesn’t make you desperately look for a sign about what his plan is, but instead asks you to pray, choose wisely, and stick with it. This was a great reminder for me on choosing to love.
Nicely done! insteresting, isn’t it, that so many young Christians are taught the concept of a soul-mate when it is truly a pagan idea that there is this perfect other out there waiting to complete you, and that you cannot be satisfied by anyone else?!? So sad. Who wants the stress of having to be “everything” to another person? Besides, the only one who could really satisfy us in every way is Our Blessed Lord, and most of us aren’t ready for Him that way.
Oh 14 Year Old Me So Needed To Read This:) Thank You! Awesome Post!
Reblogged this on Humane Pursuits and commented:
Thought-provoking for those of us who grew up with this religious take…or are just really romantic.
Reblogged this on Be Mo'. and commented:
Wow. Im not married,or in a relationship, but this really spoke to me.
Unconventional but thought-provoking essay! I would love to think that God had my husband formed and just waiting for me, but I’ll be even happier to know that despite differences, disagreements, etc., we honored the commitment made in our wedding day. My marriage is the primary entity that develops my character!
Best paragraph for singles:
“some of the best relationship advice I ever got: There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting.”
Those three things your Mom told you were important are the only things I am looking for. I’m going to memorize your Dad’s advice too. 🙂
thanks so much for being bold enuff to say it the way it should be. i am a nigerian, living in nigeria and i am in a relationship of which i believe can only work more, if, apart from the grace of God, we decide to make it work. marriage is a choice, and a choice to make it work.
Absolutely love this post–it is so right on with everything that happened in my life with the exception of I went to Italy instead of France… and it was my minister uncle instead of my dad that I had that very same debate with… And, just like you, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way because it did keep me out of trouble… I was too busy hanging out in the youth building during high school and the young adults building during college, dreaming of my future youth pastor husband, making sure I was becoming the perfect Godly partner to even think once about drugs, alcohol, or sex.
Thank you for this post! And good luck to you and your husband… As of the 27th, I’ll be married 6.5 years, and though our road has been anything but sunshine, flowers, and praise songs 24 hours a day/7 days a week, God shows me every day new ways to love my husband and deepen my commitment to him. It’s impossible for two completely imperfect people to love each other perfectly, but through God’s perfect love, we can do our best. 🙂
Reblogged this on lifeolisamarie and commented:
This girl has some awesome thoughts…LOVE this post, and I have been married over 20 years…loving someone everyday is a choice for sure!
reposted to my blog page…LOVE it, very true, and I have been married for over 20 years!!
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The Words In This Blog Are So Transparent. Its Not Music But It DEF Speaks Volumes. Take A Read
“This is the thing which the LORD doth command concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best; only to the family of the tribe of their father shall they marry.” -Numbers 36:6
http://biblicalmuse.com/the-one/
I agree with a lot of this and don’t subscribe to soulmates but I do also believe that God has a plan and hand in guiding me to my husband. God can redeem any choice we make but I don’t necessarily think that means he has absolutely no desired path for us. My husband received a prophecy over his life 2 months before we met that after 5 years of being single God was bringing someone to him. Then considering our circumstances I know God chose me to complement him in our journey. I still believe I have to make the daily choice to love him as God has commanded me as his wife, but I don’t think that necessarily means God has no investment who we marry.
When I met my husband I was producing a play and he had volunteered to attend to the curtains. As I looked out, from the stage, over the auditorium to check everything was okay he was sitting there learning his cues. As I looked at him (I had never met him before) a voice, just over my right shoulder said “He’s the one” and I would have married him on the spot.
I do believe God had a husband in mind for me and he CERTAINLY would NOT have been my choice. But, 30 years later, I know he was the right choice and that he was the perfect husband for me because I did not get what I wanted, but what I needed.
I do believe in a soul mate, but like you he is not my husband, he is my Lord. Jesus is the lover of my soul, he is the one with whom I am united and bonded in the soul. He is the one who thinks like me, prays like me, loves like me, laughs like me and never leaves me.
Yes, marriage is a choice and staying married is a choice. I have made that choice many times in 30 years when the other choice would have been easier, but the knowledge that he was “The One” God choose for me gave me the strength to stay.
Our God knows us individually and he knows what we, individually need. For some there is the hand of God involved and for others there is not; but the important thing is having chosen don’t look back. Look up and know that a three stranded cord is not easily broken.
May God richly bless you both as you go forth together.
I completely agree with the message here.
I am just very confused about how the author could have been fully invested in a specific evangelical worldview as a child while she was being raised by a father who obviously ran counter to that worldview in many ways.
I just don’t understand how that happened. I’m so curious now.
Awesome message, Hannah. You rock! 🙂
i enjoyed reading this! thanks for posting it!
while i could disagree with you in your chosen definition of “soulmate” i’ll leave it alone, because i completely agree with the meat of your post. 😉
i just wanted to add that a strong belief that you have one (and only one) “soulmate” out there is a very dangerous thing to a marriage. here’s why. if your marriage is going through a rough patch (can’t have kids, financial trouble, etc etc) and you meet someone with whom you “connect” more closely than you’re connecting with your spouse right now, you could very easily come to the conclusion that THEY are your true soulmate. that THEY are “the one” God has for you. that you made a mistake marrying your spouse. and if you come to THAT conclusion, well, its basically all over, isn’t it? and i think that’s where a lot of Christians justify divorce; they believe too strongly in a “the one and only soulmate,” that they forget what marriage is supposed to be; two sinners helping each other grow closer to God. i hope your marriage is very blessed!
congrats on your anniversary!
Profoundly unromantic advice? Yes. Something we really need to hear? Absolutely.
Thanks for this! Well said.
Married for nearly THIRTY years and I needed to hear this! I’m passing the link to married and unmarried and starry-eyed teenager friends. Thanks!
Totally agree Hannah! Beautifully articulated! Thanks for being another voiced killing this myth. I attended a christian liberal arts college which perpetuated this myth to an extremely unhealthy level. Following the logic of that belief: If there is only one person for us, and ONE person marries the wrong person, we’re all done, game over.
Even though you likely won’t see this, I’d still like to congratulate you on this post. I also grew up during the Evangelical “Youth-On-Fire” time of the 1990s, complete with y own WWJD bracelets and camp outings and such. You tell the tale so well, and just like any decade of spiritual growth, there were ups and downs – the downside was what you’re addressing. God doesn’t have one person waiting for you. Your story is great, well-written, and something that teenagers need to hear today. So – congrats! Great post!
I’m Hannah’s Dad. I’m proud of my daughter, and also, I just plain like her. I like her mind, her conversation, her writing, her learning.
I have been deeply moved at Hannah’s quest to please God and serve him with her life. She’s a wise woman whom I admire and enjoy now as an adult friend who happens to be my daughter. I also admire and enjoy the man she has chosen to partner with in creating a marriage and family that will honor God and reveal his character in the world.
Yes, I’m a “theologian” and, worse, I guess, a Bible scholar. I teach pastors: shaping the hands that shape people’s souls. What that really means is that rather than a vague sense of what I don’t know, I have a very sharp, piercing sense of how much I don’t know. The question of mate choice is one of the most personal forms of the big question about how God’s purpose finds expression in the life of individuals. One answer is “determinism” that takes the biblical statements about God’s interest and presence in all of life to mean he decides everything in advance and then irresistably makes it happen.
But think: if God picks one and only one “soul mate” for you, and you are perfectly obedient to God all your life, but your picked soul-mate messes up ONE time and marries someone else, that means you cannot be in God’s will for the rest of your life, regardless of what you do. I just don’t see the God of scripture operating that way. Determinism is just wrong. God’s wisdom and power mean that he doesn’t have to be locked into one script for you or me. From any point, from any failure or loss, however awful, God can draw a line directly to the fulfillment of his purposes. There is no “Plan B” with God.
What he wants from us is that we learn to make wise choices shaped by scripture’s portrayal of his moral character, that we cultivate Christlikeness in heart and life, that we invest our gifts and abilities, every resource he gives us, as a stewardship yielding spiritual fruit. It is precisely the undefined nature of those things: our job, our mate, how many children we have, etc. that provides the environment in which godly, wise decision making can be learned. God wants us to look deeply into his truth, and then create a response that will delight and please him.
Just like a good parent.
I was thinking when reading this wonderful blog that you had a gift of being able to see clearly and cut straight to the point. The world is blessed by both of you.
What if God was knowledgeable enough to not select a person for you who would not chose you? If God picked one and only one “soul mate” He wouldn’t -couldn’t get it wrong (the correct conclusion to your illustration is that person would marry the person God intended). And our lives, by God’s grace are full of “plan Bs” every time we choose to live our lives away from God (when we insert our choice of free will over God’s will). I am sure we could throw out a lot of human thoughts and illustrations which make sense to human minds. But no sense in chasing our tails over this. God’s ways our not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.
Lots of very, good discussion from your daughter’s blog (God Bless her and her husband). God is too, great for us to comprehend. Many of His prophecies in Scripture have been fulfilled as the rest will be. I cannot imagine the millions, billions, perhaps trillions of variables involved to make it happen. I suspect a very, small thing for God yet impossible for us to truly, comprehend. I enjoyed the accounts shared from folks who gave their testimonies of how the Lord led them to someone specifically. Especially, touching was the women who married the dying husband who God has now healed. I didn’t enjoy the check lists folks keep – looking for that prince or princesses charming (Christ only, can fill that spot). God does desire the very, best for each and everyone of us. For the Apostle Paul it meant being single, prison and most likely death (a lot of really fantastic, wonderful other things also). We must remember, this world is not our final destination. There is nothing here in it’s greatest fulfillment that will compare to one day in heaven. Paul, faced overwhelming persecution on earth but never lost sight of heaven (may have been a bit easier for him in light of all Jesus revealed to him and we have to rely on our faith). In 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 he says “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” Then in verses 16-17 he adds “we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.” In Romans 8:18 he told the church at Rome “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Whatever we suffer in this life cannot be compared with the glory of the life to come. We serve an Awesome God. His will may not play out exactly as we will. But rest assured, He desires the best for us, working in our lives to prepare us for the next life – living with Him. God Bless you, as you serve Him in whatever state you are in – married or unmarried. Life is but a vapor.
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Reblogged this on Holliday's Inner Workings and commented:
Confession: I have had these same thoughts. Great post – and good to know before I get married! No more emotional and embarrassing letters for me…memorizing lyrics of songs instead 😛
Would love to interview you! Would you be willing to speak with me?
Thank you so much for such a poignant and heartfelt post. It’s so wonderful to see someone advocating the making of and keeping of heartfelt commitments in a world that keeps tempting us to “just do what makes you feel good.”
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies” is the most brilliant statement I have ever read, on any blog, ever. Hahaha. Rock on Hannah and James. As a woman who lived the “Passion” movement and “hung out with” (i.e. not quite dated but everyone else knew we liked each other) several pastors and wanna be pastors, and who is now married to a hilarious capitalist and workaholic who also loves God but who is my opposite in every way, yeah, you nailed this one. Thanks for the walk down memory lane and a great post.
Grateful that God did not give me what I delighted for nor what I deserved!! His Grace covers a multitude of my stupidity!!
This is so, so, so beautiful! And so well said! As we’ve discussed this a million times and you know all the details, I’ll condense my thoughts: You are absolutely right. 🙂
As a side note, I’m pretty sure we were raised by the same parents in parallel universes. When I announced that I had kissed dating goodbye, my dad’s response used the words “awkward” and “nonsense” to describe what I had just done. God’s goodness is bigger and better and more variegated and majestic than limiting us to one precarious relationship. Love!
Not sure I agree with all of this article, though it makes some good points. God allows us to choose who we want. We can choose wisely or poorly. We can seek His will or not. We do need to choose to love our spouse, even if we are unequally yoked. However, Genesis 24:14 does say that God appointed a wife for Isaac.
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this is absolutely an awesome read for both men and women you need to get it right with the Lord and make him first in your life then he opens up avenues for you! the Lord absolutely has to be the first love in your life!
I just want to gently chide you for I think taking the correct idea of denying soulmates a bit too far. It appears you deny God any role in helping you find your marriage partner, when I contend he did lead you, and ultimately, your marriage and mine was in God’s plan. It’s just that it’s his plan for us to find somebody suited for us well (and there could be many who fit that bill). God knows who it is and it’s in his plan, but we just find them through ordinary means, dating, hanging out etc. Even the hairs on our head are in God’s plan, so surely our marriage would be as well. The issue you are correctly knocking is this idea of some perfect person, and we must wait on God for it to happen. No, we live our lives, and eventually, a person we like will come along, and at some point, we will start dating and decide to get married. We can’t wait. We must act for something to happen. I also love how you point out the errors of the checklist. That killed my chance at dating a couple people because even though they thought I was a great person, I just didn’t fit enough checklist items since I wasn’t going into the right career etc. It’s ridiculous. Who we marry is our choice, and too often people live their young lives freaking out over finding out who it is they are to marry….they are afraid somehow they will miss God’s “perfect one” for them. Frankly, that’s impossible, and that’s what people need to realize. Just live your life, enjoy it, and meet people. At some point, you will meet the person you want to marry. And, it will jus so happen to be in God’s plan, but not in some weird forced way. It will still be your choice and theirs.
She made some very valid points–and yes–God gives us the ability to choose and to be responsible for our choices! Since I am on my second marriage–blessed a second time after my first sweetheart went to heaven–I got the right ones in the right order and in a lot of ways, they have been/are my soul mate(s)–neither were/are flawless and neither am I! She is young and still needs to get through 10-15-25 years and still say some of the same things! And yes–I could have made different choices–but truly feel God was directing my ways! Love it that God is the director of my life and I choose to listen to Him! P.S. Collectively I have been married 34 years.
Thank you for writing what I’ve feared and worried over. I feel as though I’ll enjoy my marriage so much more having these words – that I’d been searching for but couldn’t pull together – in my heads.
Wow! I am 45, married 12 years to the same wonderful man and was JUST telling a friend exactly all that you wrote. I don’t believe in THE ONE or in soul mates. I believe in making wise, godly choices about who you date, spend time with, and eventually marry and making them THE ONE. But you have as many choices as there are people to date. I just happen to have chosen wisely (led, in part by God). Thank you for this post.
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I don’t usually comment on things I read, just because I don’t feel that I have anything more insightful to say than what has already been posted. I wanted to tell you, however hat I loved this post. I grew up with all of those same teachings and thoughts, but I got frustrated and gave up and ended up making some really rough choices in my life. During that time I got married and we have had quite the roller coaster ride. I have at times wondered if I missed “the One” that God had for me because I was not serving Him at that time. I am, however here to tell you that after just having our 20th anniversary and both of us now happily serving our Lord, that it is absolutely about making that daily choice to love and respect each other. Thank you for reminding people that marriage is a choice and a great commitment, and totally worth the work! 🙂
Love it! A very level headed approach to all the ridiculousness that surrounds dating in the church. I would like to counter Bens’s comment by saying that Paul said it was better to be single…I know that’s fighting the bible with the bible but we can’t very well ignore either passage! I’m very happily single and plan to stay that way unless something drastic changes. God called me into ministry and that’s where I’m focusing my attention for the foreseeable future.
Hi. I enjoyed reading this. The late Rich Mullins once talked about this same idea, and he agreed with you. Every day is a choice more than it is destined. But I do believe that God is there in every detail if we choose to see Him. We have to listen carefully and follow where His voice leads.
I have been married to my wonderful husband for 17 yrs. We met as teenagers in our youth group and dated off and on for 5 yrs before getting married. Although I cannot even imagine my life without him and our two beautiful kids, I have often wondered about the whole ‘soul mate’ thing. Once a very well-meaning woman in our church told me that I “settled” by marrying him, since I had not dated many other guys beside him, and since we met so young. I have to disagree.
But I have also learned that all the expectations, the “one day my prince will come” thinking is so unfair to these guys. They’re just men. They’re not divine. Only God can fill the innermost needs of a woman’s heart. The amazing part is that as I have learned to daily CHOOSE to love my husband, to pray for him and for our family, my heart is filled with more and more deep love for him, and we grow closer every day! It’s not something I can explain. We have our fights, our issues, our bad days- but as we grow closer to the Lord, we grow closer to eachother. Every day we must choose our husbands, as you so beautifully pointed out. I plan on growing old with my sweetheart- and I most definitely did not “settle”. I was blessed.
Beautiful and well said!
This post is awesome, will you alow me to translate it to spanish? Please ger back to me
Hannah – Thank you for taking the time to write this. I am not sure how much I agree or disagree with your thoughts, but I certainly see wisdom in what you have said. You have given me some things to think about and you have inspired me to ponder and pray about my own viewpoint on marriage.
I believe that marriage (and quite frankly any devoted relationship) is a daily choice – and some days this choice is more difficult than others. I also hold fast to the belief that God has destined each of us for a plan and purpose and that can translate into our choice of relationships. I don’t believe that God has one person lined up for us; making it our responsibility to make every turn just as He planned in order to make our way through the maze of single life and finally get through the very last twist to find Prince Charming (our soul mate). I believe that this lie of the enemy (and Disney) leaves us disappointed because it tells us that once we find “the one”, the fairy tale will be ours. Having said that, I do believe that God cares very intimately about our relationships with our spouse and the family that is birthed out of that – and that He cares about this long before we “find” our spouse. I even believe that He helps to guide us through so we can live out His best for us.
I am 34 and single. I so deeply long for a husband and children; for the little country house, the white picket fence, and the doting puppy dog that runs up and greets us with a lick as soon as we all walk through the door. So part of this is definitely the “fairy tale” and quite frankly I don’t think that a man in my life is going to complete me or my dreams…that is God’s job! But I do very much struggle with the desire of settling and just falling in the arms of the first man before me who wants me…well, just because I fear that I am getting too old to wait for the person that is GOD’S BEST for me! We absolutely have choice – and I don’t doubt that I could have a very blessed and happy life with any man that commits to me and I commit to. But, is it God’s best? That is what I truly want…and I am willing to wait for it. I believe that He will give me wisdom, understanding, and confirmation when that person is in my midst. God knows the desires of my heart; but God also created me knowing HIS desires for me. I believe there is a challenge here to prayerfully consider which of those I personally desire more and at what point the two may intersect.
Thank you for sharing your heart on this matter and opening a forum for individuals to openly discuss such a heart-felt matter. Oh – and congratulations on your marriage and the daily choice that you and your husband make to stay committed to one-another!
Word of the day, girl, preach! Couldn’t agree more. I remember the True Love Waits rings and Joshua Harris and I wrote those future hubby letters too;) I totally believed that God had that ONE special guy out there for me and he was going to be p.e.r.f.e.c.t. Then I got married…
Haha, my guy is awesome and I’m super lucky to have him but he’s not my everything and was never meant to be. I’m digging how you put the emphasis on our own personal choices vs. some predestined relationship. Love it.
I should have known that James wouldn’t marry a mental lightweight. Some very profound thoughts!
Reblogged this on Good Life and commented:
Great perspective.
I love this! I think acknowledging that there are many people out there who we could love is the exact thing that keeps marriages together. Although it seems counterintuitive, I think if you know that going into marriage and still make the commitment, you are saying “I CHOOSE to love you and only you as a spouse, lover, and etc forever regardless of the other potentials that come along” is something important to be aware of as you make the decision to make that commitment. Thanks for saying it!
Also, love your dress, who was the designer?!
Hi Kristin,
I know I said I wasn’t responding to any more comments, but for a dress question, I will slip back out of hiding. : )
It is La Sposa, but then I got extra fabric and had an awesome seamstress add those straps because my torso is awkward long and looks weird strapless. : )
Thanks for reading!
OMG. My dear, whoever you are, AMEN.
That’s all very nice, Hannah, but I think the comment that God doesn’t have a spouse planned for you is flatly untrue. The truth is He MIGHT or might not have one for you, but if it’s in His plans for you to marry, He does have someone specific in mind. The idea that you can have a great marriage with any number of people is also very silly to me; it’s true that you can’t fall in love with just anyone, even if choosing to keep loving them is a choice, and it’s not in the least a matter of just picking out an agreeable Christian fellow that you’re attracted to and makes you laugh. I do intend to write some thoughts to my future husband in a book, though I will certainly not be weeping over it like a droopy willow or emotional dope; I know my husband could be a number of people, but the best for me will only be one.
Hi Jennifer. I think if you speak to nearly any Christian who has been married more than two or three years they will agree with what Hannah says. Your marriage is largely what you make it. You certainly could have a great marriage with any number of people. Not *anyone*, of course. But your “best” marriage will not come from finding the “best” spouse, it will come from putting your best into it. What would you say to someone who remarries after their spouse has died? That their first husband/wife wasn’t the best for them? Or that they’ve settled for a replacement because the best one died?
i loved this so much. haha. so applied to my life. oh the years at camp and conventions learning about my “future man.” haha. you said it so spot on. loved it. in fact, i reposted it on my blog and accredited you for it. http://www.madisonemily.com thank you for such an awesome word for the day! made me laugh and smile 🙂
I really enjoyed what you had to say about Soul mates and will probably refer to this point of view often…but I still choose to believe God knows my future and is preparing a man just for me. I mean He will have to in order to put up with a girlie like me! 🙂
I think this is pretty far off from the truth. I think God can work within any marriage and is a huge advocate for creating a Godly marriage out of any two married people… but I do think if you are seeking him before marriage He will be very active in the process and act as a father screening the character of your ‘suitors’. There were more bizarre ways that guys exited my life after the, “if he’s not right get him out of here” prayers. Far too many weird ways that guys fell off the earth for it to be a coincidence. God loves us and is just as active in our college choices as he was in all the characters of the bible asking for children, food, clothing, husbands (RUTH), and love (Leah). God will clothe the lily’s of the field and he will tenderly hold our broken hearts as he makes us Godly and as he prepares or doesn’t prepare a spouse just right for us.
Hey Charity, of course God will still be involved in our journeys to find our spouse, and help guide our decisions. And he will certainly still be active in getting rid of the dodgy guys. I don’t think Hannah is saying anything contrary to that. She’s not saying he doesn’t participate in the process. What she’s saying is that the end result of the process could be any one of a number of people. Think of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book – multiple endings. For us in our “Choose-your-own-adventure” journeys to find a spouse, there could be multiple endings that God equally approves of.
I have friends who are wading through divorces…and finding their way to new loves. Recently another friend asked if I think this will be “the One.” You know? “Together Forever” is a misnomer…it’s…something embroidered on a pillow one gets on her wedding day, but it’s not a destination. We can’t wait until we’ve been together forever to be happy – FOREVER is just the sum of all of our yesterdays, today, and tomorrow, and the day after that… Just like Marriage isn’t a destination – it’s a commitment, it’s work, it’s a connection and a gift, but it’s not a prize. Good for you (and your parents) for coming to this. I applaud you!
I LOVE this! I remember hearing Matt Chandler talk about his wife NOT being his soul mate. He said “my wife is the one, because she is who I married. If I didn’t marry her, someone else would be the one.” And how ridiculous of an idea it is that God has “one person” for everyone. (I of course, was appalled b/c I bought into this when I married, and I was so angry at him for saying this, until I listened to his whole message). He went on to say that if even one person didn’t marry the “one person” God had for him, it would be messed up for the whole world. And that in putting that idealization and pressure on your spouse, you are setting them up to be someone they can’t be to you. If you put all your hopes into your spouse being ‘hand-picked’ by God, then you are going to have a tougher time understanding hard times that WILL come, and why this God sent person isn’t fulfilling the role you imagined for them. Even the best spouse makes a crummy God. Let God be God to you, and love your spouse sacrificially with purpose and choice, so that you might display the glorious love God has for the church. THAT is the purpose of marriage. Thanks for this article!
Yes, “even the best spouse makes a crummy God.” What a burden it would be to marry someone who wants you to take the place of God. Our stumbling efforts to live out a godly marriage are indeed a blessed challenge and a comfort in this fallen world but it’s the intimate relationship with God himself that gives us joy, peace, and strength, and enables us to love and enjoy our spouse.
“I’ll be very honest with you here. My wife Lauren, she’s just a girl. And I could be married to another woman and be happy. Do you know how I know she’s the one for me? Because I’m married to her. That’s how I know. If I were married to someone else, they would be for me. You see, in this idiot ideology that we’ve created with our movies, if one person marries the wrong person, doesn’t that jack it up for everybody? Because that means if Lauren is not my girl and I married her anyhow, that means I married someone else’s perfect one, which means they’re forced to marry someone else’s perfect one, which now means they’re forced to marry someone else’s perfect one. And so if you just do the little map, someone married someone 700 years ago married the wrong guy, and now we’re all in trouble. This is a foolish, ridiculous idea. I’m just a man, and Lauren is just a girl. Lauren cannot complete me, cannot fulfill me, cannot make
sense of my world and to expect her to is to put pressure on her that she will be unable to carry, will be unable to sustain and will be unable to bring any of those things into my life, which will create in me an anger towards her for not doing what she was never designed to do, created to do or able to do to begin with. So when a woman says, “This man will complete me. . .this man will make sense of my world. . .this man will make me know who I am. . .this man will heal my wounds,” you are putting weight on the man that he will be unable to sustain and it will only be a matter of time before he develops hobbies to get out from under that expectation. He cannot carry it. Put your hope in God, not men. We’re sinners. Which means sometimes on accident or sometimes on purpose, we’re going to fail you and wound you. Don’t ask us to be more than we were designed to be; we will fail you. Put your hope in God, not in external beauty and
not in men.”
http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/sanctification-in-marriage
Oops. My comment was cut off.
You did a beautiful job with this and I think you are saying something very important and very right. I am sorry that folks, presumably Christians, have been unkind. In fact I am disgusted at that disrespect. Nevertheless, I have a good friend who reminded me recently that if one says things of consequence then there will be consequences. You have said a powerful thing of consequence. Good job.
Wow! I s appreciate your openness and willingness to share. I have been married for 25+ years and have always felt bad that my husband was not my soulmate. But he isn’t. We are currently struggling more than any other time in our relationship and it is very challenging to stay married, but it is a choice to work through the crappy stuff in order to reach the other side, regardless of what that looks like.
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There are a lot of good points that you make, but I really disagree with the basic premise of what you are saying. Yes, God gives us free will and the choice to choose our own spouse, but I do believe that if we seek His will for our lives and submit ourselves to His leading, that He WANTS to be part of this BIG decision in our lives! God is the one who came up with the whole idea of love and marriage in the first place… He is the supreme matchmaker!! 🙂 He loves to put people together!! I think that we cheat ourselves BIG TIME if we don’t invite Him into this part of our lives…I think that He does have a plan, but chooses to let us have the choice of whether to follow His plan for our lives or follow our own. He can bless either one, I wholeheartedly believe that… and, I also believe that once you are married to someone it IS God’s will that you stay married to that person (even if he wasn’t the one that God may have intended for you in the first place)… There are so many times in scripture that God brought people together in marriage – Adam and Eve, Jacob and Rebekah, Hosea and Gomer (who was a prostitute by the way! – but God brought them together for a very specific purpose and plan to show His unfailing love for the Jewish people), Joseph and Mary, and more… I believe that when we submit our will to His will for our lives, and invite Him to show us the person He has chosen for us, that He will… why wouldn’t someone want God’s direction in this BIG decision in life? Our hearts lie to us and lead us into relationships that are not always the best for us (Jeremiah 17: 9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it?”) – I know if I had “followed my heart” I would not be married to Joseph today… the year before I met Joseph, there were several guys that pursued me that I was tempted to get into a relationship with (one particular guy was a REALLY strong Believer who really loved the Lord), but in each case I brought it before the Lord….. my heart and my emotions were screaming “Yes, Kayse!! Date him!! He’s cute! He’s sweet! He loves Jesus!” But, then when I would bring it before the Lord, there was this unsettling feeling that would come over me, and a deep conviction that this was NOT God’s plan for my life. As I submitted to that still small voice, and allowed the Lord to guide me, I turned each of these relationships down… and, then, a few months later I met Joseph! For the first time in my life, I had PEACE… COMPLETE and PERFECT peace about someone! And, it didn’t make a lick of sense to me! He was dying… I literally met him at the hospital when he had been given a year to live! It didn’t make ANY sense… but, I had the peace of God… that supernatural peace that passes ALL understanding… it wasn’t loosy goosey feelings… it was God’s presence and peace… the Holy Spirit was saying “YES!! This is him!! This is who I have prepared for you!!!” The past ten years have been anything but easy with him being in and out of the hospital so often, wondering if he would live or die, and having to be the “bread winner” for the family… but, now, Joseph is healed (praise you Jesus!), working full-time, and hasn’t been in the hospital in almost 4 years since his double lung transplant (see our video blogs from our journey at http://www.lungs4joseph.com). As tough as the past ten years have been, I am SO thankful that I chose to let God be my matchmaker rather than my feelings and emotions… Joseph is truly MORE than I ever could have wanted or asked for! I am more in love with him today than ever before… and, God has used him to bring me closer to Jesus… I agree with you that “God’s plan is to make us more holy, more like Christ” – but I disagree that He can’t bring a specific person – a spouse that He has chosen for us – into our lives to help mold us and shape us into that holy vessel that He desires to create in us.
Well said, Kayse. Couldn’t agree more!
I agreed with every word here too! 🙂
Brava, Kayse!
Hey Kayse, could you please tell me where Hannah says that God *doesn’t* want to be part of our decision in who we marry, or that we shouldn’t seek God’s direction? Coz I don’t see her saying that anywhere. What she is saying is that God’s direction has the potential to lead to you to *several* people, and it’s up to you to pick which one. And I CERTAINLY don’t see her saying anywhere that we should let our feelings and emotions make all the decisions. People who know they could have a successful marriage with any one of a number of people still seek to marry a godly person who complements them. But how do you know the peace you felt with Joseph would not have been felt with *any other person* on the planet?
Of course God CAN bring a specific person into our lives if he has a specific plan for that specific partnership. And I don’t see Hannah saying anything contrary to that. But I do not believe that’s the norm. And I do not believe this is something WE have to worry about – whether we have chosen God’s “one” for us or not. Because whoever you do choose automatically becomes “the one” 🙂
This is almost exactly the way that I have thought and lived for 46 years of marriage. I have always said “my soulmate” was trite and empty of commitment and real meaning. Congratulations on gaining this wisdom so early in life. Imagine how wise you will be in 40 years!
I totally LOVED your reminiscing of those years prior to marriage when you dreamed and wrote letters and seeped emotions (b/c I did EXACTLY the same thing–my husband’s letters are in a scrapbook and we too giggle at the emotion in them). I always appreciate any one putting away with the abuse of the bridal metaphor in Scripture, but it seems to me you dont’ allow enough room for God’s sovereignty in marriage, even in who He chooses for us (or not, for that matter). I get it thought, and agree– you and your dad are speaking to the fact that there’s not a descriptive will about marriage or specifically who, but to believe our CHOICE takes preeminence or that we act independently of God’s ordination seems off, biblically. God is absolutely ordains every detail of life–He holds all things together (Col. 1:17) This is a good read: http://www.monergism.com/thethreshold/articles/onsit
This is exactly what I needed to hear to shake me out of my insanity. Thank you for the eloquent post.
Reblogged this on unaveragehistory and commented:
Agree with everything in this post.
I was actually having a conversation with a married couple and I said, “Well, I’m just going to teach my nieces that they don’t need a man.” As soon as the words left my mouth they started laughing out loud. They said, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I didn’t say i didn’t want a man. I simply said I don’t need one.
I strongly believe that it would be idolatry if I believe that a man is going to one day come into my life, sweep me off my feet and make my life perfect.
Three years ago I met a guy who was completely out of my “range of future spouse” focus. I had always dreamed of being with a guy who was super sexy like those out of a fitness magazine but one who was sensitive and caring.. I was 20 at the time and still very naive. Then I met this guy who when I first saw him I instantly thought, “there is no way I could be friends with that guy, he looks mean and he is overweight.” After weeks of us hardly saying anything to one another (we worked together at a restaurant) one night after work he was making me indirectly laugh like I had never laughed before and I instantly wanted to get to know him, so I pursued. In a 24-hr period I had fallen in love with a young man whom I never thought I would be attracted to. Everything about his heart thrilled me and I loved it. This had never happened to me. After being with him for 1 year I started to realize there were “surface” things about him that I did not like. For example, he is not a very active person and he enjoys drinking and dipping tobacco. I am a health nut, I value doing all things that benefit healthy living and oppose those vices that counter-act health such as excessive drinking, being sedentary, and dipping tobacco. This is just one of the aspects that eventually irritated me about him. Also, his lack in confidence bothered me too. He also has a lack in Faith but he does believe in God.
A little over the second year of us dating, I ended it with him on the reason that our lifestyles did not match and my silent hopes that there was someone else out there for me, more like me. This was last September. My breaking up with him crushed him. And I knew it would and I have resented myself for it ever since. The dynamics between us have been like waves, my feelings for him are up and down this is frustrating. I have been trying to determine if I made the right choice or made a mistake. When he is out of sight and I stay busy with work I do not think about him but when he is around I get a stinging pain of his presence. Just when I think all of it is done and over, that we have both moved on, I am unexpectedly thrown into a sea of longing and pain.
There is no doubt that he loved me with everything he had. He always treated me good, was always there for me, and LOVED me unconditionally. Yet, I ended it with him because of conditions. At that time I was not in a relationship with God or reading the Bible. My faith was on the back burner. At the beginning of the year I made the decision to change that and I have become happier because of it. But I have realized that a lot of my irritability towards him stemmed from the fact that I was not living a Christian way of life and did not have a Christian attitude towards situations.
I have always told myself, “the One will be here, one day..” but after reading this article, I realize that the love I felt for him in the beginning, the love that uncommonly blossomed between us, was rare. He is not perfect. I am not perfect (yet I try to be – that is a downfall).
I think I have lost him now. All the pain I caused him by removing myself from his life, I believe, may not be taken back. “How can I come back from that?,” I ask myself. A definite solution to the decision I made in September has not been answered – I still do not know it I made the right choice or not and this is driving me crazy.
Thank you for reading.
Hi Dara. I don’t think you need to despair over your decision, for three main reasons:
1) As Hannah said in her blog, God’s one main requirement for our future spouse is that they are a fellow believer. You get varying levels of Christians. If you felt your boyfriend’s level of faith was low – that he perhaps was not an actual Christian, or if he called himself a Christian, didn’t live a Christian life – then he potentially did not fulfill God’s one main requirement.
2) Even though it’s not a requirement from God, it’s still a good idea to marry someone with whom we have common values. This might include things like health/lifestyle, etc. For example it is not uncommon to meet people (especially Christians) who refuse to date/marry someone who smokes or gets drunk.
3) As Hannah has said, and as I believe, there is no “one” match for us – you can be assured you have not passed up the only option God has for you. The love that blossomed between you is probably not as rare as you think 🙂
Just wanted to say a quick thank you – I’ve been married 17 years now and this is still a good reminder for me. 🙂
I love this! I seriously felt like I was reading a blog that I personally wrote! My husband and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary close to yours, on July 7th and I thank God everyday that he didn’t give me all the things on my list because I would have never found or even been friends with my incredible husband, Tim. Thanks for sharing!!:)
From a painfully single woman having a really bad day…thank you. I am encouraged and happy to hear this. Blessings on you and your (quite lucky, but mercifully not schmaltzy) husband.
I have always been taught (and I agree) that God is my one and only soul-mate because he is the only one I can share my soul with. If I marry, then my husband will be the “helper-mate” that God created lovingly with a purpose (and that purpose isn’t so I would have a husband. It is to bring glory to God)
Yes! We’ve been married just over a year, too, and I wholeheartedly agree with you! Thank you for posting this. 🙂
I read this today when someone posted it on Facebook and it couldn’t have been more timely. I am 29 and so was right in that evangelical movement. I have a journal of letters to my future husband, read every book about kissing dating goodbye, etc. I thought I may be single forever but now I am engaged to a wonderful christian man and couldn’t be happier with our relationship. He is a great listener, truly loves and cares about me and wants whats best for me, and really loves the Lord. I have found myself in the back of my mind lately thinking back to those days and wondering, how do you really know? I thought when God brought me my husband I would have this sense of awe every day and feel 100% certain of everything all the time. If God really has that one person for me does that mean that when my fiancee isn’t just what I need at the moment or when things aren’t all rosy that this isn’t it? And how do you really KNOW? And how does God really show you? He hasn’t given me any reason to believe this man isn’t the one, but if there is really ONE person for me what if I screw that up. Its a lot of pressure for everyone. This was so helpful for me to read about how this is a choice, and it is one we get to make and need to take responsibility for.
Great story… greatly written… solid points. But due to my lack of relatable experience (probably as a guy) I was a little throw off by the phrase “stored away”… given a buddy of mine had a prophetic dream about his future spouse – basically what she looked like and her name. He didn’t go out looking for her, or start writing letters to her. He went about his life and eventually met her. God may not have “stored” her away, in a box or something while he was out busy being a guy, but they were definitely meant to meet, marry and have children, cause that’s what happened. So if I’m misinterpreting to meaning/context of the use of “stored away” please, let me know… it’s not the first and won’t be the last time I’m a little slow. Until then, in my own fleshly/worldly opinion… this is a well-written piece about soulmates through the eyes of a woman (and her father) who cannot fathom the specificity and accountability God wishes us to have through human relationships, especially a spouse. I truly wish the best for this couple as the photos resonate a peace and joy that I find familiar with the Holy Spirit. This woman’s ability to learn to “let go and let God” are inspiring. But more importantly I truly hope and pray others with similar struggles as the author don’t misinterpret this blog as a rite of passage to view our (human) creative choices as plentiful and fulfilling and specific and meaningful as God’s choices. (as in he’s either got 0, 1, or 20 people in mind for us to marry… yes, that’s an exaggeration – to make a point – based on the fear of Jack Nicholson’s quote in As Good As It Gets: “I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability” lol God bless y’all)
Firstly, way to go on being married only one year and having this kind of insight on marriage. That is wonderful. You are straight on.
You are so right. There is no such thing as a soul mate. A soul has no “mate” other than God. A soul seeks God in all things. We choose where we lead our soul, that is the gift of free will God has given us. If we choose to marry another soul, we are choosing to help that soul’s journey along the way to Heaven. It has nothing to do with some trumped up romanticism about how this particular soul has been searching all its life for this particular other soul, and no other soul would do. It’s merely the joining of two souls who have chosen to help one another along the way. Any two souls can do that. And some might make it to Heaven kicking and screaming (and whining), and some might cruise on up to Heaven in a cloud of rainbows. It doesn’t mean the latter married some “mate” of one’s soul. It means the latter was naturally more compatible, or personalities were more complementary, or didn’t experience the struggles the former did, etc.
Best wishes for a continued happy, fulfilled marriage for you and your husband!
It is an interesting topic, and spot-on for me. I’ve been married twice and divorced twice. I’ve been single for about seven years. I had let my relationship with God languish for far too long and about three years ago, I began anew. I also stopped dating for the most part. My prayer was and is that God will bring someone into my life as a companion as I don’t have any intentions of getting married again. So it can be both IMHO. God can bring the horse to the water, but he can’t make him drink – or allows him to drink or not – free will. I have determined that I was dating unsuitable men – not practicing christians, etc., and that was not the direction I needed to go. So I believe God convicted me to look for the “right” type of person, but not the person himself – if that makes any sense. I have to choose the suitable companion, but God has directed my thinking in a Godly way.
Well said! Love (real love) is ALWAYS a choice. Unfortunately, we live in a world that tries to avoid taking responsibility for choices or outcomes, even in the Christian world. The whole “one soul mate” thing is just one small part of the phenomenon.
To all of the people who believe there is only one person in the entire world for you- What if that one person never ends up serving the Lord? What if they end up becoming abusive, addicted or just a bummer to be with? What happens then? Of course we choose. And once we choose, that person becomes the RIGHT ONE. God directs our steps and puts us in front of the right people. But at the end of the day, you could choose someone else and God would still bless your life. God is not trying to get out of blessing your life.
If your husband becomes abusive, addicted or whatever then is he really your soul mate? Did you pray that he was the one before you marry him or not even thinking twice to the relationship, just say yes because we want companionship? People who become divorce, did they really pray that there wife or husband was the one for them? Were/are there signs that God has shown us that they are not the ones for us? God does direct our steps but everyone falls short and diverts the path. People can marry who they want, God gives us free will but if we really listen and pray then we will realize this isn’t the person we are mean’t to be with. Even if you do pray, and you believe this man is your soul mate, you get married and one person begins to change for the worse that could also mean God is testing the relationship and your faith. Bad things happen to good people, God can’t make us do the right thing every time because he gave us the freedom to do what we want.
I also believe as you do. My husband is not my soul-mate. When I told him this, he seemed to feel crushed by it. I told him that all relationships go through difficulties and growing. That isn’t easy stuff to deal with! So what about all these people who think they found their soul-mate and then get divorced? Were they just confused about that person or the entire premise behind it? Scripture never talks about soul-mates. That is man’s invention. It is FAR better to choose to love your spouse deeply, consistently, applying forgiveness and compassion when required, all the days of your marriage, than to think that it was all fate and no work is required of you because fate will sort it out if there’s trouble! What a naive and worldly view of marriage! Every day we must choose to love and forgive and that is not something fate can do for us. I also hate to see people talk about their feelings preventing them from doing what’s right. Do you own your feelings or do your feelings own you? Take every thought captive, people! That includes feelings that change and grow and shrink and sometimes betray us! We are to guide our hearts, not follow them. Society has so many awful, unbiblical ideas it pushes on to people and creates a world of people thinking they don’t have to do anything to work on their marriages, or themselves, they don’t have to go to church to be a Christian which is nothing but an excuse to not meet with the saints, they believe God just wants them happy, they believe if they ask God for something and don’t get it that they must not be living right, and they also believe God is some genie in a bottle that you can keep locked away out of your life until you need Him and then ask for your wish to make things alright! More of these myths from our society need to be dispelled! They have no place among the believers! Thanks for your post!
The impact of this post is in the practical implications of individual responsibility. The idea is not mutually exclusive of God guiding our paths and it certainly does not devalue the specialness of each marriage match. It gets to the point of us using the notion of predestination/providence/etc. to internally justify our life decisions and events. This can be a well meaning intention too! ‘Spiritualizing’ everything seems like a good Christian thing to do; after all, God is omniscient. Bravo for reminding us that God granted choice to humans and that we should aspire not squander it.
Marriage is something that we want to add importance and gravitas to, and thus we want to feel as if God predestined someone especially for us. The unexpected consequence of assigning every detail to providence is that absolves us of responsibility for our lives. That can lead to undesirable consequences in a multitude of ways, of which this post barely scratches the surface.
Note that this isn’t a comment on the theological discussion of the existence of providence, the specifics of which are simply beyond our finite knowledge.
Amen, sister!! I totally agree with you and I’m loving loving my husband every day by choice (of course he makes it pretty easy). It’s so freeing to ditch the idea that you might accidentally have not married “the one.” Thankfully I stopped believing it before I got married due to seeing what that idea can do to a marriage down the road when things get tough for whatever reason and you start questioning if you “might have married the wrong person.” Thank you for pointing out that this reasoning is not in the Bible!
As i do not believe love at first site, i thought my soon to be husband was a creeper at first, i do believe that with age you grow to be one anothers soul mates. You look at old couples like my grandparents, who are both in their late 80s and have been married for 60+ years, and cannot imagine them being with any other person. I loved your story, it’s true that all of us could have a completely different life had we made one different choice not to go on that first date.
I tried to unsubscribe from these comments on the site and I can’t! Is there a way to block them? I’m getting hundreds of emails!
Kayla Johnson kjphotography@bellsouth.net http://www.kaylajohnsonphotography.com @kaylajohnson28
Reblogged this on Es un milagro and commented:
love love love this
Loved it! After 33 years of marriage, I can tell you my husband is not my soul-mate either and truthfully never thought he was. But we have an amazing story of how God is the third thread to bind you together so that He uses your mate to help you become more like Him. 🙂
As the ‘divorce lawyer who doesn’t like divorce,’ I LOVE this perspective and appreciate you sharing it!
One of my favorite parts of this post is the acknowledgement that you choose to love James each day…..lengthy successful marriages are that way because the couple chooses to look beyond the flaws and love anyhow….that is what Christ calls us to do each day.
When I met my future husband, I was 17, a junior in high-school, and he was 19, a freshman at a Christian college. We dated for a few months, but then I had to return to Taiwan (I was raised in Taiwan as a part of our missionary family). We wrote letters back and forth, with the understanding that I didn’t want to prevent him from dating because he was in college, and God might have someone else for him, so we’d be friends. Well, he went on a couple of dates, but really wasn’t interested in keeping a relationship with either girl. And still we exchanged letters.. beautiful letters.. He came to my high-school graduation in Taiwan, and though we’d planned to wait, we began dating again. Before I met Joe, I had already been planning on going to the college where I “happened” to meet him.. so we continued to date and became engaged that October. At this time in my life, my aunt was going through a bitter divorce from her cheating husband. I was rooming with her daughter at the college. I was so sad for my aunt, and for my cousin. My aunt still loved her husband, but he chose another to marry. I was very afraid to make the marriage commitment. I Never Ever wanted to have to go through divorce.. it’s just way to hard. So I prayed continually that God would remove Joe from my life, if he wasn’t the man for me to marry. God never did remove Joe, and we married the next August. We have been happily married for almost 26 years. By the way, I had never dated another guy before Joe. I tell you all this to say.. I Still choose Joe every day of my life. The “feelings” of love can wax and wane.. sometimes you just don’t even Like your spouse,.. but the Choice to show Christ’s love to him., enables you to remember Your love for him. We chose from the start to never speak the word “divorce”, whether in jest, or in anger.. it just was not a funny word. I have peace with the man God placed in my life.. yet I know that had I chosen to not pray about the relationship, that peace would be harder to feel during the times we struggled to Love as Christ loves. So Hannah, I get what you are saying about “choosing to love” your husband every day.. and we should also choose to pray for our marriages every day, I loved reading this and feel what you are saying is that we have the freedom to make the choice, but should always be prayerfully mindful of God’s leading in the matter 🙂
If God knows what cereal I’m going to have for breakfast 10 years from now, He better dang well know who I’m going to marry. That’s like saying God hands you a bag of marbles and asks you pull one out at random. “Oh, you got the blue one! Good thing they’re all marbles!” He knows exactly who you’ll marry – therefore by definition, there is only one.
While I do believe in free will, I also do believe that God has a plan for our lives. It is our choice as to whether we follow that plan. However, I do agree with you that feeling like someone is our soulmate or just because God brought us together, will not be what keeps us together. I knew my husband “John” for quite awhile before we were married. We were both dating others but were in very tumultuous relationships. I was driving down the road one day, crying & talking to God. I asked him to send me someone. I heard with my own ears, a voice, that spoke “John”. I actually turned to see if someone was in the seat next to me. I was in total shock, then I thought, “No. I’m just imagining things. Besides, he is going to marry the girl he’s dating now.” That was in April. In the meantime, I met a guy & started dating him, pushing aside what I heard in the car that day. The relationship was a mess & I was being drawn away from my family & God. I finally ended it. Then in September, a friend & I were talking & she said, “Oh, by the way, did you hear that “John & his girlfriend broke up?” I was immediately reminded of that day in the car. Then as were at the park, eating lunch, who should drive by but “John.” He stopped & we chatted awhile & then it just seemed like every time we were out, our paths would cross. We knew within a month that we were in love & were married the following March. That was almost 25 years ago. As we talked about our experience of what led us to each other, I told him of the day in the car. He told me that he knew he wasn’t a Christian, but he longed to be, so he prayed for God to send someone to help him find the way to Him. He was saved a month before we were married. We have had our ups & downs. There have been times that I wondered if we would make it, but I would always think back to that day in the car, when God told me who I was to marry & I knew that it was our responsibility to hold on to the precious gift that God gave us. I know of others that have had similar experiences. So while I respect your experience, I also know, from my own experience, that God does indeed bring people together. It is our responsibility to have a close relationship with God, which helps us keep our marriage together & strong. If we turn from God, we are on our own, just as we are in any other facet of our lives. There are others in the world, that don’t even believe in God that have good marriages, but they are good moral people that want a strong marriage, so they work at it. So, while I know that I am with the Man that God brought into my life, I know there are others that are together because they choose to be. Regardless of how you come together, it is your responsibility as a couple, to build & nurture your marriage every day. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Sooperb Thoughts.
Wow! Bravo! Loved this. Thank you so much. I think you have just changed my perspective on my future husband, whoever he is. ❤
I LOVED this! A friend of mine posted it on Facebook and the title was so wonderful that I had to read it. Thank you for telling the truth about love! ❤ God Bless!
This is awesome!
Yesssss. Thank you for so humorously breaking the Christian mindset that marriage and future husbands are ultimate and all-fulfilling. Not only does that set up for major disappointment, but it also prevents “singles” (who by the way are perfectly normal and individually complete) from being cared for appropriately. I’m not the only woman I know turned off by marriage because of the obvious holes in popular thought saying it will fill our voids. Though you didn’t share it, I know I’d love you and your husbands story and how God blew off “churchy” mindsets to bless you abundantly. Congrats on one year!!
Reblogged this on Reasons for the Hope Within and commented:
I found this blog post fun to read…and biblically accurate.
They teach a course on this subject at BYU. I took it. It’s refreshing to hear from someone who believes in things that are similar to what I believe.
Nice read!
❤ Siarra
SiarraNielsen.Wordpress.com
Well done! Very, very well done indeed! Not only do you pop a lot of the evangelical culture bubbles, but I think you also hit on some very key theological issues. I assume, from reading this, that you are familiar with Garry Friesen’s book Decision Making and the Will of God, from Multnomah Press. I have a hard time believing that you are not familiar with it, but if not, read it and you will find affirmation for what you have written here.
Everyday and year you hear this story. Your mothers have planted the silver slipper story within their daughters and now that the slipper does not fit it’s not my soul mate.You wanted to be taken care of like your mother wanted,so you should have thought for yourself before saying ” I DO “. Women have to stop and bring reality back to life and know fiction does exsist.
Hmmm… I agree, and I don’t. Yes, you could make a beautiful life with a number of people, and you have to work at marriage, and choose to love every day, and God makes beauty out of broken things, continually, even seemingly wrong marriage choices… but He also led me to my husband, undeniably. He also gave me a man, as she articulated, that was far better than what I thought I wanted. And what about Naomi, who was brought into God’s fold by her mother-in-law’s faith and determination to return to her homeland of Israel… what about Boaz, the kinsman-redeemer that God had prepared for her, to meet at just the right time in the fields where she, as a widow, gleaned the leftover fruit… what about the way that God used her to bear her son… what about the way she was used in Jesus Christ’s lineage? What about all of that? And more, that I don’t even know about God’s character… Sure, marriage is not a overwhelming gush of emotion and fully-felt joy every day, but it is JOYFUL and so, so purposeful, and God-ordained. And she did a great job or articulating that as well… but God’s also romantic. And purposeful. And intentional. And so much smarter than we are. Just read any part of the Bible. Heck, read Song of Solomon. Check out that romanticism. We’re all on our journeys of understanding life and love and sacrifice. She is. I am. But, today, that’s what I know to be true.
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Thank you for this! So much of what I have always wanted to say about marriage!! 🙂 Glad someone feels the same AND can write well, too!
I truly think that the soul mate stuff that was fed to us, albeit with the best of intentions, has ended up being incredibly harmful for a lot of people. It led (particularly for girls) to this idea that somehow your *real* life would only start when you found The One. Anything you did in that waiting period had no value in and of itself; it was just preparation for the moment when God would magically deliver unto you the Perfect Man. I am forever grateful that, on the day that I came home announcing that God had a plan for me, and would give me all the desires of my heart, etc., etc., my mother told me that God had in fact revealed to her that it was His plan that I shut up and go upstairs to finish my math homework – it turns out that she was much, much closer to the truth than I.
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Such an awesome post! Thank you so much for your insight and great sense of humor:)
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I do believe that Jer 29:11 does apply! When you spend time in the word, it becomes alive for you! Not just what it was at that time it was written. God’s word is alive and living inside us when we spend time in it. I am married to my soulmate! And God gave him to me. I was previously married to someone that I thought was a good choice and it ended up being a very abusive spouse. BUT, before I married him, he was an officer in the Army, nice car, nice house and had made great decisions in his life leading me to see that he was very stable in his life and decision making. We had fun together and we were married for ten years. But two weeks before we were married, I heard God’s voice say, don’t marry him. I look back and see this now. God does speak to you and He also uses His word to guide you. After this horrible time in my life and me realizing I had made a very bad decision and had tried everything possible to do the right thing, I decided to get out, nothing was going to change and adultry and abuse are not of God. I was fearful for my life. I prayed for God to send me the man He had for me. He did!! We have been married for fifteen years now and I am more in love than when we were dating. He is a Godly man and we grow together every day! God is so good!! I have three girls, and I have always prayed for God to prepare the Godly men that He has for them. I believe that he is doing that!!! You may not think that your husband is your soulmate now, but through many years, you will see that he is just who God had planned for you!! He cares about everything about us. He knows the hairs on our head! That is something that is not that important to us if you have hair, but if He cares about how many hairs you have on your head, He surely cares about your husband/spouse that you will spend your life with!!
I love this! I do like the concepts in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but I also agree that there might not be “the perfect person” for you. Once we make the choice in who we will marry and spend the rest of our lives with, we choose to love them through thick and thin, until death. Then, we truly are the bride of Christ. Enjoy your time on this earth honoring God and loving the people he has put in your life and know that in eternity it will count! One day we will be standing before the Lord and be accountable for our choices, no matter what our friends or our spouses choices were, we have the choice to love and to honor the Lord in everything that we do, even when others aren’t honoring him or us. Keep blogging!
I agree, nothing wrong with “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” or the like. Deciding not to date around when hormones and emotions are running high & believing God has a soul mate that will perfect your life are just nottttt the same thing.
Although I agree with her fully on the misunderstood concept of the soul mate and that there are plenty of times in a marriage love is a choice and not an emotional reaction I can think of too many places in scripture where God had a hand in the union. I will disagree vehemently with anyone that states that God doesn’t care one way or another about important aspects of your life. Wasn’t Eve created exclusively for Adam. In Genesis 24:7, Abraham said of God, “HE will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there.” Hosea was commanded to marry Gomer. I don’t think anyone would argue with you that Joseph was told to marry Mary.
I couldn’t agree more! And which is more romantic anyway?? God predestining who you love or loving you so much He gives you a choice and then works for your good, sanctifying you through the marriage to whomever you chose to love? Thanks for sharing!!
I was raised by 2 widows who fell in love. Thankfully, they have a beautiful redemption story and though it’s been hard as heck, they are happily married and raised a crazy, blended bunch of 4 kiddos! =)
I can’t say that I agree with the above article. To dismiss the idea that God could possibly have someone out there for you would be to dismiss the idea of divine appointments. And to dismiss the idea of divine appointments would also dismiss the entire genealogy of Christ and how his priesthood came about. Was it an accident? Heck no it wasn’t. Have we wandered so far from the romantic heart of God that we now believe that he wouldn’t see into your heart, and bring someone along for you that will awaken your desires in this life, as well as to push you into a deeper relationship with Christ?
My fiancée and I met the second semester of our freshmen year in college in January 2012 and started dating the following February. Previously, during the fall semester of 2011 (before my fiancée and I ever knew each other) we had both been going through incredibly difficult times of dealing with unhealthy relationships, insecurities, and flat out searching for “The One” whom we thought would be so easy to find since we were finally in college. We both came to the same crossroad that semester, her around October and me around November in which we both told God, “Okay, I give up. I’m not searching for who you have for me. You know my heart, you know who I am suppose to marry. I am placing it in your hands.” In our hearts we finally trusted that we didn’t have to go find our “perfect match.” Believe it or not, but whatever you are spending your time seeking, that is what you are worshiping. So we made the decision to worship God instead of searching for another false God to take his place. We reckoned with God and placed ourselves under his authority.
Unbeknownst to us, we were both in the same community on campus. Before our freshman year we had both attended a retreat meant for incoming freshmen who were looking for a community or ministry to be apart of. There were only 60 people who attended, and we never saw each other there once. We were apart of the same small group. I was there every week, she only attended 5 or 6 times and we still never met nor noticed each other in the group. Like phantoms we passed each other with out noticing each other what so ever. How does that happen if she was going to be the woman that I would be so crazily attracted to and eventually married?
Well the first semester concluded, as well as winter break and then the second semester began. A huge group from multiple ministries decided to go out country dancing one saturday. My fiancée and I were both a part of that group. I was reluctant to go because I hated dancing. Mostly because I had never found anyone I had quite yet enjoyed dancing with. Taylor was there as well (unbeknownst to me). And this was the first time that she had ever gone out dancing with friends. In fact it is completely unlike her to go out with a group of friends that she doesn’t know very well.
After about an hour of being at the dance hall hanging with friends, I noticed HER. In that very moment she was the most beautiful woman whom I have ever laid my eyes on. Drop dead gorgeous. I immediately felt this intense urge in my chest to go ask her to dance. We danced, and we fell in love on the dance floor. Both through dancing but also the conversation that flowed from this instantaneous desire to get to know each other. We both look back and say that this was probably the best night of our lives.
From that spurred a wonderful relationship that has been filled with challenges and heart break, but also the most riveting romance that we could have ever imagined. God had us in his timing the entire time. Could we have chosen to not continue getting to know each other from that point? Absolutely. Could we have decided not to go dancing that night? Absolutely. Could we have also woken up that same morning and decided not to follow Gods plan for us anymore? Absolutely. But did we? No. He ordained that meeting for us. We had placed our trust in him months in advance and he went and took that time to prepare us for each other. That moment we met was a divine appointment ordained by God.
Now, I am not dismissing the fact that it is a CHOICE to love my fiancée each and every day. And it is a CHOICE for her to love me each and every day. But the love that we do share is a once in a lifetime love that doesn’t come out of no where. God gives us freewill, yes. But he also blesses us with opportunities. When we ask him for “boldness” does he just give us boldness or does he give us another opportunity to be bold and trust in him? I asked for a life partner, and trusted him in it. In return he gave me the opportunity with a woman that would awaken my true desires to pursue a woman like Christ pursued the church. Jesus didn’t just pursue “the church” because he saw us at the other end of the bar and thought maybe we were cute and might be a good match. God gave us to Jesus to pursue, love, romance, and die for. Just like how he gave me my fiancée to pursue, love, romance, as well as to die for as a model of Christ’s love for the church. But not for my glory, but so that she would be pointed towards Jesus. As well as for her to point me to the feminine heart of God through the way that she loves me. But I digress.
If you want to believe that theres no such thing as “the one God has for you.” That is fine. But please understand how much romance is emptied from that. If you don’t feel that the relationship you are in was ordained by God, then the chances are high that you chose them for your own selfish reasons, or because they might have fit the checklist that this article tries to deny. But if in your heart of hearts believe that this person was brought into your life and some how is willing to drop every thing to fight the battle with you, don’t empty the romance from it by trying to convince yourself that having them in your life was something you did on your own. Instead turn your eyes to the LORD, fall on your knees, and praise him for understanding the desires of your heart. He loves you. He pursues you. He romances you.
Thanks for reading!
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Wow. Fantastically written, and very needed for lots of people (myself 5-10 years ago especially). I love how you affirm that God has more for his people to look forward to than a soppy wet romance- he has a transformed character, relational intimacy with God and fellow image-bearers, and a fruitful life of service and love in store for his people.
But I have to push a bit on your words about God not having a plan for each of his people. You were very helpful and right to point out that Jeremiah 29:11 receives miserable abuse from basically every evangelical. But does that negate the idea that God has a plan, sovereignly layed-out, even while he never takes away our human will?
I’m a compatibilist, not a hyper-Calvinist or an Arminian, because it seems to me that God has a plan and sovereign control over every macroscopic and microscopic detail of history; yet, at the same time, he clearly has given us choices and commands to make the right ones. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, sometimes we make those right ones!
All this is just to say, I love how you brought the discussion of “the One” down to earth, but I want to keep hold of the assurance that God does have a perfect plan for my life, even though is hidden with him in heaven till I live it.
Thanks again for a wonderful, and wonderfully crafted post.
Witty, true, and fantastic. Couldn’t have said it better myself!
I have been married 26 years to my not perfect husband, and you are spot on! I wish more young girls would have your outlook on marriage. The reason we have been married so long is that our only soul mate is God…and we are just riding through life together-by choice- sometimes blissfully and other times not.
I LOVE this! My husband of six years and I have talked about this often, and we totally agree! Thank you for putting it down on paper so clearly!
Isn’t our God awesome?
Um, I love this. You’ve written my thoughts exactly but with much better words. It’s so silly to me that people think that there’s only one person for them. You have a choice, and you continue to choose- that’s what it comes down to.
Look forward to keeping up with your blog. Also, beautiful wedding photos, happy anniversary.
I have been married 23 years and over the years we are still becoming “soul-mates”. I would have to disagree though that we are to make the choice ourselves. My husband and I were both involved in other relationships when we first met and only through circumstances God could direct we ended up together. If I had my way at the time I would have stayed in the other relationship. I know God had my husband picked out for me. Does this mean we always get along? No. Does this mean he is the only person I could ever love? No. But I know God is much more involved in my life than what you are giving him credit for.
The “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” era was a great way to keep young folks sexually pure. Which is outstanding! I hope a similar way of thinking comes to be when my kids are teenagers. It is also part of the reason that so many 30-somethings are still single. They are still ‘waiting’ with no idea how to date or what realistic expectations look like. I feel very strongly that God led me to marry my husband but I also believe I could have refused and married someone else and been happy. These 2 ideas don’t contradict… our God is divine and really big. We will never understand everything He is.
Well said! That’s exactly what I think.
Wow…what great writing and profound wisdom. This is a must read. Thanks so much, Hannah!
This is amazing. My boyfriend and I have struggled for 4 years with this same debate, each of us having been a part of the very youth culture that you speak of. We have both felt pressure, and because of some personal emotional issues, have questioned whether God wants to be together, about whether “this is it”. Well, we recently decided that, since we can’t picture our lives without each other and since we’ve been together for 4 years, that we will choose to get married and that God will bless us in that because we are his faithful servants. I think about the section in 1st Corinthians that discusses why and who you should marry, and all it really says is if you choose to marry that’s good, and if you choose to be single, that’s good too!
I love this. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband 23 years. 28 years ago when I went off to a Christian college my dad gave sage advice like your dad, “You marry a man, not a calling. Find a man with true character, not the one who shouts the loudest, raises his hands the highest or sits in the front row at chapel.” I followed that advice and married a reluctant youth pastor, not a missionary. He’s an incredible man of God. God did call us (and we chose to follow) in missions. The past 11 years overseas has been a great adventure. AND I have 3 daughters–ages 17, 14, and 12. Your message here has been my rant to them these past 6 months. “No more silly lists!” Thanks for sharing your heart. Now I need to go share this on Facebook so more people can see your wisdom.
I agree that there is more than one person out there that you could love and share life with, and that you do have a choice in the person you commit too. But I don’t think that rules out the feeling of having a “love of my life,” “one true love” or “soul mate.” Regardless, marriage certainly requires intentional work and commitment to God’s design no matter what your opinions on soul mates.
I just watched a video last night about this view from Jefferson Bethke. I was beginning to feel this perspective about finding a husband recently. I got bored with the idea that I had to marry this perfect Christian pastor. No offensive, but yuck! It just started to sound boring. Then speaking with God and recently getting out of a good learning relationship I started to understand this perspective. It definitely takes the pressure off the guy. Girls are no where being perfect so why should we hold guys at that same level? Anyway, thank you for posting this. It definitely helped me finish processing this.
This was lovely. As I prepare for marriage and review my own history, I’m so glad for all the choices and relationships where I chose and wasn’t chosen. Now I truly know what it is to be responsible and accept real love and kindness and reciprocate. Now I’m ready to share in an equitable partnership.
So very true!! Thank you for this! Even taking it a step further God’s desire is for all of His people to worship Him. His desire is for His gospel to reach every tribe, tongue, and nation. We have the privilege and blessing of giving our lives to play a part in His Great Commission. If a husband is in the equation then He is now our partner in taking the gospel to the nations. : )
I DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING EVER
Reblogged this on The Talents Blog and commented:
This is great.
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Thank you! I’ve just gotten married two months ago, and have ached with the same convictions towards much of this generations misconception of Biblical marriage. I also appreciate your father’s contextualizing Jer 29:11! It’s no often that you see the passage used in context, as most would use it as a passage directed towards their own welfare. Whilst God does, according to Romans 8:28, have plans which He works out for good, Jeremiah 29:11 in particular shouldn’t be used at every corner to proclaim some prosperity over us.
Thank you again! And may the Lord continue to bless your marriage.
I am in my 60’s and grew up in the 60’s with Jesus Freaks, and in some ways I guess I was one too, so what I grew up believing was you got married when you could not be all you needed to be in your Christian Life unless you had a mate so at this time you started praying to find one. Now in my own theology I be leaved that they would show up in your life without you saying or asking for help from any other way but prayer. Dating was what you did after God had brought you together so you could learn how to be compatible. “LOL” Sad to say I have been marred and divorced twice and now have been single for 12 years. I think my first wife was my mate, but dew to things I could control but didn’t, I lost out on what God’s will was for me because I took my eyes off of Jesus and looked back at the world.
Super great! I wish you would elaborate on the Biblical abuse of those verses, because I totally agree! So many verses are misused out of context. I would love if you made a post about that! 🙂
I have nothing profound to add. Just “Thank you” from a fellow product of the I Kissed Dating Goodbye era.
🙂
Well isn’t it funny, for years I tried to teach wise words that would carry you on in life… of which you remember none, and now you give me something that I will remember for life. Thanks Liz, it was good to get reacquainted, your smile still brings joy.
I enjoyed your post. I think that God did bring you your soul mate, only it wasn’t your version but His. Your husband is a very lucky man.
I absolutely love this and will be sharing with a very special group of 12th grade girls who need to hear it. It is refreshing and clearly defines that our choices to remain committed are what God’s plan in a marriage truly is.
Beautifully done! Thanks for sharing. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in December. I shared your post with him because it’s exactly how I feel! 🙂 I love him because I choose to love him! There have been times where one of us (or both!) have wanted out. But we made a committment to each other before God and our families to love…honor…and serve each other. Marriage is a beautiful thing! But it can also be ugly. And hard. And scary. But we both love the Lord…and we love each other. That is why our marriage will be forever. 🙂
My dad said the same thing to me, that God doesn’t have just one man for me, but once I get married he will become my “one.” It was oddly freeing and I appreciate him so much for telling me that. And for the record, my husband is a bazillion times better than any husband I dreamed up for myself according to the games of the youth ministry in my church. Great post!
This is excellent. You are right on point. I wish more women, married and single, understood this truth.
This is random and childish in comparison to the other comments, but do you think God placed your husband in your life at the right time just like he could have anybody else in your life down the road if you two had decided to go separate paths? Once I lose somebody, is it entirely up to me to go and find that next person or will God be helping me along the way?
I reeeealllly like what you have to say, Hannah, and I believe that you say it in a very concise , well-written manner. However. . . I believe that if you’re challenging an age-old premise (the “soul-mate”) as being unbiblical, then you should in turn make your point with scripture as well. Your points, like I said, are well-stated, even convincing, and I commend you on that — but they are mostly anecdotal and philosophical in nature. This is one of the problems that I have with viral blog posts. Sometimes I think that people (especially younger folks — sorry, just calling it likes I sees it:-) jump on the bandwagon with such a post simply BECAUSE it’s different, BECAUSE it’s anti-establishment, BECAUSE it’s not-church-as-usual — rather than because it reveals something new in light of scripture.
So, again (and I really want to emphasize this), even though I like the sentiment of what you are saying here (and you very well could be right), I feel no more compelled (biblically) to believe the “no-soulmate” concept as I do the “pro-soulmate” philosophy. I just want to challenge us all on that — we can’t dive into something just because it sounds cool or is a different viewpoint. (And I hope that my viewpoint is received in the spirit with which it was intended).
“Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” — Acts 17:11
I wish you and your hubby nothing but the best. Soul-mate or not, you two have no doubt found a treasure in each other:-)
Hey lady, nice job on this! Made me think of the time I told these exact things to my small group of teenage girls. Initial response: “WHAT? Jesus doesn’t have a sexy soulmate for me?! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE, AM I EVEN A CHRISTIAN?” Thankfully that phase passed pretty quickly, and we’ve had some really rich, meaningful conversations about it since. 🙂 Glad you put this out there – great conversation starter!
May I repost this on my blog? I couldn’t have said it better. I write/repost topics of interest to teens and college @ heartskeeper.com. Let me know! God bless
I don’t know about soul mates. And God certainly gives us free choice. But if we are going to marry only once in our life (the Biblical preference for sure) why wouldn’t a good Father (God) have picked out the one He knows best suited to get us (and vice versa) to heaven? Not to say that God doesn’t have plans b – z for when we mess up… but that doesn’t discount God creating us with another in mind. In fact St Therese’s Mother heard Our Lord say “He is the one I have chosen for you” I think, – oh oopsie, that’s a bit too Catholic for here right? Anyway, I don’t think God creating THE ONE for us means its all fate and destiny. God let’s us choose to accept His perfect plan or not.
To anyone who is bashing this lovely woman, or saying she needs more verse to backup her thoughts….No. Stop. She spoke what her heart told her to – and one could argue that God created her heart, so therefore, her words are all the validation we need. This isn’t a scholarly article, or an article for debate. It’s a very touching personal story, that Christians and the non-Christian alike can relate to. I am not particularly religious in any sort of organized fashion (I think *believing* in something, anything, is the most important part), so I clicked on this just out of sheer interest. This lovely new bride wrote in a way that speaks to anyone, and she addressed a very real issue that ANYONE in our society can relate to today – that we all have to be perfect, have a perfect education, husband/wife, job/career, children, home, etc. It’s not possible. She has instead realistically found her happiness, and passed on her wisdom to others. I think that’s a very…Christ-like thing to do, no? Stop bashing her, I don’t even know her and I think she’s a wonderful, sensible, hilarious, good to the bones, person. So there. *Blows raspberries*
Aubrey,
Who is bashing her? I can only assume that you’re referring to my post about the scripture. If there was any critique that I offered, I really tried to balance it with encouragement of what I believe to be a well-written piece by Hannah. This thread is simply thoughtful discourse on a topic that we all care about — to politely disagree is not to “bash”, is it?
Carey D,
No, my comment was not about you, I had to actually scroll quite a bit, searching, to even find yours. In a post with so many comments, I am unsure of how you can only assume I was talking about you. It would have made more sense if I commented directly on your post, had that been the case. After reading your post, I think you were very polite. I like your comment. But others have not been as polite as you, in my opinion. I was also referencing the authors note that some wish to debate this and it’s just not the place. This is the authors personal story, we don’t have a right to try to make it mean less, as some may seek out to do.
However, I can’t help but think that since you assumed I was speaking as a result of your post, that maybe you are concerned with what you said? I don’t think anyone is looking to pick a fight in regard to your words, if that’s what you are worried about.
Love this.
I believe my husband has been becoming my soul mate since we’ve been together, but that is because we make the conscious choice every day to love and work hard at our marriage. Never once did we think it was luck – do I think God gave him to me as a gift? in more ways than I can count.
We keep our eyes on Jesus and He holds our marriage together, and we make that choice daily, hourly, to follow Him together. The choice to follow Jesus and to love my husband daily isn’t as fairytale-esque as the summer camp love story I pictured as a young Christian, it surely isn’t easy, but it is my favorite choice I’ve ever made and I’d do it again and again.
Thank you for bringing clarity and reality to an issue that causes so many Christians to feel like they are missing out on God’s plan because they haven’t found “the one”.
I will spare you the details of my notsosimple relationships. I just want to thank you SO MUCH for posting this. And I want to tell you that this really healed something in me. Thank you. Thank you. This is everything my parents have been trying to tell me. This is everything I’ve been wrestling through as I try to love my significant other. This is everything I’ve been considering since someone told me that it was not God’s will for them to be with me. Sometimes, we write these things out in the blogosphere (lol), not knowing who it will impact. And I want you to know that this really impacted me and stands as a sign that God has heard my frustrated prayers and He cares.
Fun sidebar: Yes, I was also super involved in the Evangelical movement in the 90s. I kissed dating goodbye. I wrote a list. And I have a volume of tear stained journals. LOL! Gotta love it! 🙂
Reblogged this on Sun K and commented:
love this so much. too good not to reblog!
In reference with issues with the idea of a soulmate, I think you’re spot on. Love is a constant, daily choice in any marriage. And just because it’s the ONE, doesn’t mean it won’t take work. And I’m glad that God’s foreknowledge is far greater than our naive prayer requests and desires.
He knows far better than us what we need in order to become more like Him.
While I agree that hypersensitivity issues (like “God can I eat this tuna fish sandwich or PB&J?”) regarding God’s will for our lives certainly need to be addressed. And while I agree that a spouse is not necessarily God’s plan for everyone, I can’t help but notice a glaring disregard for God’s sovereignty and omnipresence.
He sees more than the present moment we live in, in fact, He sees all of time “at once”, if you will, since He is outside of time. So He knows exactly if and when we will marry, and who it will be if we do. He knows the jobs and friends and all the stuff you mentioned about praying for your kids future.
Here’s the issue:
Marriage cannot be chosen because you’re simply compatible with someone.
Much like celibacy is a calling, so is marriage. (He knows which is the best way for each individual to know and love and become more like Him.) And if God IS calling you to marriage, wouldn’t He have someone in mind beyond “oh, they’d be compatible”?
We (specifically believers), should not be getting marriage because “it’d be nice” and “we could make it work”… it should not be for ourselves. There isn’t enough time the days are evil… there’s work to do (1 Corinthians 7). So let us seek the Kingdom. And if marriage will help me to serve better together than alone, then that would be my reason for getting married… Otherwise, I will remain single. (In all urgency of heart) we MUST be about the Father’s business.
*I would also like to note (to finish a thought) that in His sovereign knowledge of what we need, I think God guides us to people we need along the way, not just ones we are compatible with… to say that God is unconcerned with which spouse we choose, so long as we are choosing someone compatible and are committed, is like suggesting that God was unconcerned which family you would be born into. The Word says that He knew us before our parents, He knit us in the womb. I think His hand (and His grace) has a huge part to play, even in our daily decisions.
EXACTLY. If who we marry is the biggest single decision in our lives, the God I know would not regard our selection as arbitrary. To liken “just choose a college so you won’t be an idiot” to this topic is implying God’s attitude is “just choose a man so you won’t be lonely”! I agree with the general principle but the approach of this blog I do not agree with. God may not be a micro-manager, but make no mistake, He has a plan.
I still think God prefers you to marry the person, you are more compatible with.
I can think of many women I’d be more compatible with than my wife. The difference is I love my wife and because of love have learned to become more compatible with her, which in turn I have learned to love her more and more. We are actually not compatible according to those pre-marriage tests the counselors give you to help you decide. If “compatibility” means that she loves me back for my love for her, then I agree with your assertion. We have learned to grow with each other, care and provide for each other, press through the storms together, and submit to the principles of God’s design by believing in His promises and His Word regardless of how different my wife and I are. “Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.” In fact, love is rarely a feeling. We are now coming upon 40 years marriage and have 3 children and 11 grandchildren. The testament to our love and life and God is that our three children were willing to marry spouses they’re not very compatible with, but love very much, and each having a many and more children than we did in this seemingly hopeless time in the world. Why? Marriage and family is about Faith, Hope, and Love… and commitment. Compatibility varies with circumstance so it is not a good metric. A vision for family and generations is the best metric… not personality, not career, not ambition, not perfect teeth or any other physical attribute, not idealism, not education… God shows favor to those who believe in family and generational life and especially His Son Jesus.
Yeah but if there were a thousand women you could have chosen, why did you chose her? What was so special about her? Were you just lonely and needed someone to marry? I’m not trying to be rude or anything but why did you choose her if you weren’t compatible with her? If you can’t base it on compatibility there has to be something that made her stood out from the rest of those thousand of other women. Why choose her?
Basically what I’m trying to ask her is. Why did you choose her?
Thank you for the questions…
The point is that “compatibility” as a measurement of success in marital relationships has been morphed from its biblical basis to where it now includes pop-psychology and worldliness. My wife’s personality and mine are completely opposite. In pop-psych speak, I’m a type A and she’s a type B personality. I’m adventurous and she’s a homebody type. I love being around people and she is shy and reserved.. I’m extraverted and she is introverted. She’s diligent at completing projects and I tend to procrastinate. I like to try new things and she likes to stay with the same thing… e.g going out to eat. I can tolerate risk and she has a low threshold. I can make decisions simply based on vision while she needs a detailed plan. She can watch the same movie over and over and I have a hard time with that.
Our personalities, skills, interests, wants, desires, etc are different and thus not “compatible”….however…
Our spiritual values are the same… we both have courage, commitment, faith, hope, steadfastness, perseverance, integrity, love life, love family, believe in generational values, believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, fear of God and not man,….etc. which are the important factors. We are properly yoked and God provides for all of the issues that arise from the “incompatible” soulish factors.
This blog is about “soul-mates”… when it comes to marriage, the “soul-mate” condition is a deception from the world. It’s a trap to get people to focus on carnal values rather than spiritual values. My wife and I are “spirit-mates”. When we got married we became “one flesh” as the Bible explains, whereas her nature is completing to my lack and my nature completing her lack. Of course, we were young and owned nothing. Our families were not the models we based our ideas of family on. We suppose that we weren’t basing our life on anything but what God put in our hearts. It was a challenge then, but filled with great joy and it is still a greater challenge now and daily filled with greater joy.
I am willing to work hard and provide for her and pursue things beyond my desire just for her. Of course, even though we fail each other at times, that number is not a variable in the God’s formula for success in marriage. Grace makes a way where we cannot.
What values are you willing to live for and die for? What provokes eternity in your heart? What gives you joy? It’s the transcendental values that define the measurement or standard of compatibility.
Is the reason one gets married the same reason one stays married?
I dated a girl with whom I had almost nothing in common. Her parents were “incompatible” so she thought we could work out, too. It didn’t, though, and I married someone alot like me.
How are you and your wife “incompatible”? I use the quotes not to mock your use of the word, but minimize the incompatibility in light of the overpowering love in your marriage.
Peter,
Our spiritual values are the same… we both have courage, commitment, faith, hope, steadfastness, perseverance, integrity, love life, love family, believe in generational values, believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, fear of God and not man,….etc. which are the important factors. We are properly yoked and God provides for all of the issues that arise from the “incompatible” soulish factors.
This blog is about “soul-mates”… when it comes to marriage, the “soul-mate” condition is a deception from the world. It’s a trap to get people to focus on carnal values rather than spiritual values. My wife and I are “spirit-mates”. When we got married we became “one flesh” as the Bible explains, whereas her nature is completing to my lack and my nature completing her lack. Of course, even though we fail each other at times, that number is not a variable in the God’s formula for success in marriage. Grace makes a way where we cannot.
Hannah…I have been married now for 15 years and I am so glad I have been able to discover your post! Many illusions have been created by well-meaning people regarding marriage, but I, like you, prefer to believe that God offers us a life full of rich experiences and it is up to us to make wise choices. Puts the ball in our court, which is tough (and so is marriage sometimes), but the life we glean from the work we put in can be AMAZING!!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts :).
That is hilariously true. Every bit of it. Thank you for the fresh outlook on it. I am in my 40’s and still waiting for the “perfect soul mate” my parents and I have prayed for my whole life. It has been a long, arduous wait!!! Maybe I can relax now and give some of the not so perfect guys a chance. Problem now…times have changed so much, just finding one that is not crazy, with three kids and a crazy ex wife is the challenge. All the best to you in a long, happy, fulfilling marriage!!!
It’s also good to point out two things:
1) We are not all called to marriage at all!!
2) Soulmates are possible (Reading this blog sounded more like a dream husband than a soulmate… Soulmates are not perfect people but perfect for you, which does NOT mean no confrontation… In fact, a real soulmate would cause us to polish more of our sharp spots!!)!!
Hannah,
Thank you for your words. I needed to hear them but I also work in ministry here at Eastern Kentucky University and I constantly pour myself out into the women (and men) here. This post and (from what I’m reading in other posts on your blog) will be used in part of my ministry here.
Thank you for your heart and your great courage in posting YOUR thoughts. They impact the world around you. I see you’re casting quite a ripple in the current… but judging by your other posts and pieces that I’m gathering that’s the way that you live your life.
I feel a kindred sense of friendship with your heart through your words.
Thank you again.
-Evelyn
My husband is really not much at all like the “dream list” guy I imagined as a teenager – and he’s also a youth pastor, which I never saw coming. 🙂 God has a great sense of humor.
Reblogged this on OzMumSpeak and commented:
I loved this post and rolled my eyes at the memory of my teenage self.
I agree with the article that God doesn’t guarantee that everyone will get married. However, I disagree that there is no biblical basis that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. In Genesis 24:14, the servant Abraham sent to find a wife for Isaac asks God to show the one He had selected for Isaac. To me, God clearly chose Rebekah to be Isaac’s soul mate. If it is God’s plan for you to be married, I think you can put it in the bank that He has one person out there that is perfect for you, your soul mate. Most likely not the one you wrote letters to in your journal, not the Chris Tomlin singing worship leader, not the youth pastor, but someone even more fantastic that God has chosen for you. You won’t even have to find your soul mate. God will bring your soul mate to you. He will not leave it to chance.
Uh…I’d double-check that story. Rebekah and Isaac have one of the most problematic marriages in all of scripture. While the servant prayed for God’s guidance, the actual inspired narrator of the story (and remember, characters often don’t express God’s perspective, only the narrators) never once attributes the arrival of Rebekah and her fulfillment of the servant’s prayer as an action of God. Also, Isaac occupied a unique position in the history of redemption as the fulfillment of God’s unique promise to Abraham, the “point man” on the entire OT story of salvation. How can we take that account and generalize from it that God chooses everyone’s mate? In actual fact, most of the marriages in Old Testament Israel would have been arranged by parents and extended family. Likewise, “God’s will” for someone’s job was basically “whatever my father does.” People just inherited their job as part of their family, unless direct divine intervention changed things, such as the calling of a prophet. IN the Bible, mate choice, job choice, most other life choices, were undertaken with wisdom, discretion, and in accordance with the cultural options available. God’s call or choice only intervened in the rare moment when his purposes required a “special assignment.”
Lawson Stone, I beg to differ. Of all of the marriages listed in the Bible, Rebekah and Isaac’s are long considered one of the most loving, tender, and uplifting examples of a godly marriage. When reading Gen 24, you can see God’s handprints all over that union. Abraham himself said that the Lord would send his angel ahead of his servant and seee to it that the servant found Isaac’s wife for him (v. 7). Even before the servant had finished praying in his heart, Rebekah came out, passed the “test” and made it clear that she was to be Isaac’s wife. The servant himself attributed this union and discovery to God. If it was an incorrect attribution, why on earth would God in his sovereignty and determination to have his Word understood throughout the history of time leave this false attribution in the Bible? It doesn’t make sense to think it otherwise.
In the Bible, biblical choices were certainly made with wisdom and discretion but the Lord says it himself, in his Word that we are to commit all of our plans to him. He’s not a God who just sets the clock and watches us spin our wheels while we try to discern what’s best and what he wants us to do. He wants an active role in every part of our lives. Why on earth wouldn’t he want an active role in something as crucial as selecting a life partner. I firmly believe God cares as much about my vocational calling as he does about my call to be a wife and mother. I don’t believe in the Platonist soul mate rubbish but I do believe in God’s sovereignty and throughout the Bible, it is clear that he is much more intentional than this author and many commentators care to give him credit for.
I just want to say thank you for your honesty. I go to a christian college where marriage and finding “the one” is quite encouraged. I have seen countless girls sob either over break-ups or lack of a significant other in their life. It really does make havoc in their life when, heaven forbid, there is more than one super amazing guy in their life and they have to choose. Through it all I have had the mentality that if it happens it happens but I don’t have time to waste in the longing right now. It is good to know that I am not wrong in focusing on other areas of my life. For me right now it is more important that i make the daily right choices instead of getting wrapped up in searching for “the one” Thank you again!
Thank you for writing this. As a Christian single, when I bring this stuff up with my married Christian friends, I often get sympathetic looks (read: “Oh, you just feel that way ’cause you’re still single. Poor thing.”) or “You just think that because you haven’t met The One.”
So it’s refreshing to see married women thinking and writing about this stuff. Please keep it up. And please thank your mom and dad for me, too. I wish my parents had spoken that kind of truth into my life back when I was reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
By far, this has been the best thing I have ever read about finding “the one”, marriage, etc. I am guilty of ALL of those things you wrote, and then some, and it has taken me until now (at the ripe age of 30, and STILL single) to realize this truth. I so wish that more young people came to this realization instead of wasting their time like I did. Thank you so much for this!
Hannah, this is the first time I’ve heard of your blog, but I like you a lot. And I love your dad. A wise man…who sounds an awful lot like my dad. Thanks for shooting straight. 🙂
The fact that our God is outside of time and knows the beginning from the end therefore knew the identity of your husband long before you ever met, and that he hears our prayers, knows our hearts, etc., while your journal may seem silly now, God heard your heart and answered with His best as He always does. This is true even when our marriage is difficult as a sovereign God knows that best prescription for wooing people into His kingdom, the very circumstances that get our attention and win our hearts to HIm. He is working in every detail of our lives, even in the seemingly negative things. That is why we can rejoice in all things. As the rabbi’s say, there is no such thing as coincidence….meaning God is involved in it all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!! My husband is not my soul mate, either. He’s my partner and best friend, the father of our son and I, too, after 8 years of marriage (our anniversary is tomorrow), still choose daily to love him, honor him and cherish him.
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A couple of the comments above have mentioned this already (thank you, CTRL+F), so I won’t get in too deep. I did enjoy a lot of what you said, being a (fairly young) member of that hyper-sensitive, emotional youth culture (I was 13 in 2001). One thing I was sad to read was your father’s words regarding there being no basis in Scripture for God having 1 particular person for you to marry and spend the rest of your life with. I was sad because the sovereignty of God does not allow for such negligence. God’s sovereignty means that He is in complete control of all things at all times. If He has already made the decision to save us without our input (Rom. 9:22-24, Eph. 2:8-9), why would he not be in control of this as well? What there is no true basis of in Scripture is “free will”. That falls more in line with Bette Midler’s classic tune ‘From a Distance’. God doesn’t leave things like this up to us, because He knows how terribly irresponsible we are. If we are created for His glory, I think it’s safe to say He will have us do whatever brings him glory.
Best of luck to you and your spouse, and may God continue to bless your marriage.
The Scriptural basis for free will is sin.
Your dad and I think a like. Those sound like the kind of advice that I would give.
I couldn’t agree with your post more, I am not that kind of man that would make anyone’s list. However someone that I choose to love everyday decided to do the same almost 9 years ago.
Thank you
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I love your perspective! And you are so right! I’m a single adult in my late 30’s and for years dreamed of “the one” and used Jeremiah 29:11-13 and Psalm 37:4 as my reasoning why God would send a Prince Charming my way! God doesn’t call us to be happy, He calls us to be HOLY. Sure, a person to share our life with would be great, but husband or not, God has called me to share His love and change the world! Thank you for writing this! Very inspiring (and a total a-ha moment for me!)
I don’t comment on blogs often but this really struck a chord. Because sister this was so totally me! The unrealistic Tomlin-strummer and all in my young brain! Good read. As Tim Keller says, it’s a choice to love, and keep loving. Good blog post!
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I understand your point that loving your husband is a choice, a choice you make every day. I do, however, think that the abundant grace of God enables you to make that choice, and empowers you to do so when you do not want to. Piper’s “This Momentary Marriage” speaks brilliantly to this point. So while I believe that the Lord allows us to make choices, we cannot understate or underestimate the power of grace, of the Lord’s great sacrifice, in giving us the freedom to do so. GRACE allows a wife to love her husband everyday (and vice-versa), left to our own devices, our own self, we fail miserably.
“I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I wouldn’t want to married to anyone else other than James, which is good, because I plan on being married to him forever, and he has to die first.”
Ummmm call me crazy, but what more do you need to be able to call this man your soul mate? I am pretty sure that is the definition of soul mate. WOW.
Hi,
This is great. I read that “kiss dating goodbye” book when I was a teenager, but after trying to break up with my after-all-still-boyfriend to figure out what God wanted to give me… I gave it up because this was ridiculous.
I’m happy to remind myself that I’m in a relationship because -I- want to be in it.
Congrats on your anniversary,
Lewia
Love it! I plan to share the post with my children.
Hey! I really like how this post highlights that true love is a choice. God chose to love us, He gives us a choice to love, and likewise marriage is about two people choosing to love each other. That’s beautiful. As a young woman (22) who wants to marry sometime, and even went through the whole I-kissed-dating-goodbye phase, it is comforting to know that there isn’t only one single person for me out there. I would however like to add a few things…you wrote that those scriptures you used were referring to the the people of Israel and not to us modern-day Christians. I strongly disagree with this. I don’t know what your ideological leanings are, but as far as I know God’s Word is for anyone who is reading it. I also feel that to an extent you discount the fact that God does sometimes give specific instructions for peoples’ lives. For example, when I prayed about what to do after high school, it was clear what and when I needed to study. It may not be the same for everyone, and I think we should all learn to exercise God’s wisdom in every decision whether He speaks ‘clearly’ or not, however we should also be careful not to take our personal experiences and use them as a blanket to discount thousands of testimonies which can be backed up by the Bible. Just some thoughts.
I love this post! I could have written this exactly. You put words to my life. My husband and I have just celebrated 10 years and I am so glad I chose him. Your hubby sounds like mine. I think he was listening to Pink Floyd while I was reading Passion and Purity. Ha!
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About God “giving us the desires of our hearts”…God will give us the DESIRES to want what HE wants for US. If we go pick someone out of the “Christian Husband’s R US” catalog and then ask and expect God to give us that one, it may or may not happen. (The desires thing is courtesy of MY husband. He makes me laugh.) And also, your parents rock. Keep them. 😀
hahaha thanks for the humor!
Interestingly and humorously written! I really enjoyed reading this!
I agree on some points and disagree on some points, but the ones I disagree on may be semantics. First, I believe you are spot on that your mate does not have to be and may never be your soul mate. This is not why we marry and if it is, we may be sorely disappointed. Having said that, however, I do believe whole-heartedly in soul mates – in more than one, perhaps, even.
My husband is my soul mate. He was not when I met him, and he wasn’t for many years after we married. But through the years and many fires, we have indeed become soul mates in the deepest ways. If we never became such it would not in any change the love, commitment, or joy of our union, though it does enhance the ENjoyment 🙂
My mother is also my soul mate, so I believe in more than one. See, I believe SOUL MATES ARE MADE, NOT FOUND. (I don’t believe you should ever put effort into making a soul mate with any person of the opposite sex.)
As far as God having one certain person to marry, in most cases I would say He does not. But we cannot put Him in a box. He does have plans for us, and for some people, He may choose one person to be the partner and help for a certain purpose. Remember, marriage is to make us holy, not happy (though He does delight in happy marriages!), and if God knows of a certain plan He wishes for someone, He may well arrange one certain mate.
I do not believe ALL people are meant to marry, or that ALL people have a mate chosen by God, but I wouldn’t declare that He never does choose one mate for anyone.
Regardless, I love your heart, and I LOVE your love for your husband! I love your statement: “But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday…This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.” Maturity beyond your age and a wonderful inspiration for us all!
I would caution, though, that the statement that the pressure is on you, not “on fate, cosmos, or divinity,” doesn’t sound as though you are daily choosing to place your marriage in the only One Who can ensure your marriage’s success. Your personal choice to love your husband each day MUST be strengthened and secured by the power of Holy Spirit and the empowering grace of God.
Again, these things may be semantics. At any rate, I truly enjoyed your article, your writing style, and the truth you have set forth. God bless!
Just wanted to say that I loved your post. From what I understand of my Mormon religion, we believe the same thing. God wants everyone to marry, some in this life and others in the next, but who we marry is our choice. I’m glad I picked my wife to marry. We’ve been married for almost a year now and are still having loads of fun, especially now that we are waiting for our baby boy to arrive in about 6 weeks!
There is actually a HUGE difference between the two religions. But nonetheless, congratulations on the little one. I have my third arriving in about 5 months.
Hi! Friendly atheist me here, just to comment that I really like your points. I’ve been saying something very similar in a secular context for a while, but it’s great to see that a good head-on-the-shoulders stance towards relationships isn’t limited to any one way of thinking – good also to see it actively encouraged in faith communities (adolescent journal tears aside. Those hormones were killer!) I’ve sent this along to my close Christian friend who thinks very much this way too. Cheers 🙂
I have seen “soul mates” get divorced. nasty expensive angry divorces. I guess they were mistaken! (And possibly looking for the wrong thing, as you point out.)
Kathy
I love this post. Truly. as a girl who grew up thinking marriage was simple,( I have two incredible parents who celebrated their 43rd anniversary) that God had my marriage planned and it was going to be great..a few bumps..but great! Well..I ended up biting into the world of I deserve to be happy. Filed for divorce, took custody of my three kids, and was soo happy with being happy. I thought..I went outside Gods plan and that’s why this marriage was miserable. I then remarried, joined an incredible church and realized..I am still not happy. Enter counseling. I love my husband. I have chosen to stay and fight this out because I know that love is a choice and one that is so much easier to do..most times..with God in the middle of this marriage. I know that God has my life in His hands I also know that love is an ability from God. When my now teenage children talk about marriage. .I tell them the truth. . Marriage is one of the hardest things you will ever ever do. But I also tell them it is the most rewarding relationship with humans that they will ever encounter.
THANK YOU! This acually made me cry a little. It is sometimes so frustrating to explain to peaple that at 35 and single I am content and even happy with my life. I have a degree, a good job, a dog, and my own place. I stugle with money sometimes but a husband wouldnt neccesarily solve that problem. I hang out with friends and enjoy being by my self a lot. Is that so horrible? Does that mean I should be out desperatly searching for the “one”?
I think what botthers peaple the most is that it doesnt bother me. I can go to a restraunt or a movie alone without shame. I can enjoy romance in books or movies and not feel desperate. I can even attend or help plan a wedding (I am very good at this) without being envious.
My mother tells me God has someone for me becouse he gave her a vision when I was 6. Well He didnt give me that vision. Maybe its just her dream or wish for me since she has been married for 40+ years. I admire that and hate that I am disapointing her but not enough to be desperate.
If someone comes into my life that makes me laugh, gets my quirky personality, and knows how to keep me form getting frustrated at my computer, then maybe that might change. Maybe I could make room in my life but until then I am ok being me. Now if someone could convince my mother, that would be great.
You go girl! I love your attitude 🙂
I got married at 38. It’s hard to find a mate at church. By that time I had figured out that it was character and not excitement or romance that I needed. My wife wishes I did a little more feet-sweeping-off-of but we look forward to being together as much as possible, and its been almost ten years.
Great thoughts. Today (the 23rd) I celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary to the guy I met in Sunday School, but fell short of all of my expectations in high school and college and then, after a slap-in-the-face humbling conversation with my mother, I realized that he was my favorite. I also agree that there is no “one” for anyone (how depressing would that be?? – what if they died?), but instead you have to find someone you like and daily sacrifice everything to make it work. Today I found myself in tears (note that I’m 8 months pregnant and hormonal) because my husband constantly out-serves me and I don’t deserve that sort of love. Find someone who will love you the way Christ loved the church and do your best to be as awesome as them back. Marriage is awesome with whoever if you both are constantly trying to find ways to fulfill each others needs rather than trying to find someone that will meet all of the needs on your list. High school girls, get over yourselves and spend more time serving than you do journaling and daydreaming about your future. Congratulations on your anniversary – it is only the first of MANY MORE!!!!
Greetings! I just want to say that I love your blog entry, and I wholeheartedly agree with the points you’ve made. In looking at all the biblical references for how people got married, there was never a “The One” or “Soulmate” connotation. Many blessings to you and your husband as y’all go through the rest of this journey called life together!
Thanks so much for sharing and writing this post. I’m a 26 y/o single Christian wondering what God’s plan is for me. I like the truth that He desires for me to have a full life and not worry about meeting “the one.” I feel like I’m robbing myself of so much joy by wondering how long I’ll be single. Time to really change my perspective. Thanks again 🙂
This was so beautiful!! As a young Christian girl I’ve always thought that God had a man out there waiting for me that some day he would let me run into and fall in love with. But reading this that makes so much more sense! May God bless you in your new marriage and in all you do 🙂 thank you for posting this ! 🙂
I have felt this way about marriage for going on four years now. In a week I’ll celebrate five years of marriage with my husband. You are so spot on with every point you make. Marriage is a choice every single day. Wonderful post!
I was definitely raised with a similar philosophy as your parents, and I definitely see the values of not overly romanticizing love. I’ve also never been terribly sentimental about love (I think you said I was the calmest person you’d ever seen on their wedding day). However, my own experience has been quite different, and I’m not sure how to reconcile that with the philosophy you describe (which, as I said, was what I was raised to believe). My experience in finding, dating, marrying, and being married to Philip has been one of the most explicit and dramatic displays of Providence in my life. I see no way of interpreting our relationship other than as God bringing Philip into my life for me to marry him. Definitely food for thought.
I probably should have finished thinking through my thoughts before commenting. Here’s more: I think what we’ll call the unromantic theory of marriage is trying to combat is the idea that God has a soul mate picked out for you and that finding him/her is the key to locking down earthly happiness. Fair enough. But if the end of marriage is sanctification, is it so far-fetched to believe that God would exercise providence to bring the best sanctifier into our lives? Just as we believe that trials are sent to strengthen us and blessings are sent to encourage us, couldn’t our specific spouses be sent to strengthen us?
I agree with you completely. The only way my husband and I met is because it was God orchestrated. No other explanation is even possible. That being said, our decision to marry was very logical and very low on the emotional scale. Because of the assurance that this union was (dare I say it?) ordained by God, I have confidence and strength to walk through the difficult things marriage bring, without ever second guessing my decision. Satan can NEVER throw at me the temptation to even think that perhaps it was a mistake.
27 years and counting.
I think that if you don’t believe that God was involved in the choice of your spouse, you can’t call on God in the really hard times to show you a path through the darkness. You don’t adequately thank God for the good. Profound highs and lows happen and it’s better to hold on to the notion that God is both transcendant and imminent in the good and bad. After twenty eight years this is my experience.
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I disagree with how you say God doesn’t have someone for us…
I think he knows perfectly who we should be with..
Indeed, but I think the point is that there isn’t just one absolutely perfect person out there for you that must be the one you marry or else you’ll be miserable. I think the point is that, by God’s grace and the Holy Spirit given to all of us, there are multiple people with whom you could have a beautiful, God-honoring marriage, and you don’t have to worry about missing out on “God’s Perfect Plan” if you don’t marry one particular person.
Or what if your “perfect person” isn’t listening to God and marries someone else….
Hey, great post, Hannah! I saw this earlier today and it had 200 some comments and now it has nearly 500. whoa. Came back to it again because another (totally random, unrelated to you) blog had linked to. Anyway, well written. Good words for sure. Keep up the good work.
This has some really interesting points. But, I disagree with the premise that God doesn’t have your husband picked out for you. I prayed for my husband when I was eleven. God showed me his personality and who he was with six to seven children dancing around his legs. God foreknew who he wanted for my life when I was young. I would never have picked him out because he didn’t have blonde hair. God had to rebuke me for looking for blonde haired men and tell me to not look with my eyes. In fact, I told closest friends (only) that he was not at all attractive, but he was who God had for me. So, they laughed so hard when they met him because they were prepared for the worst. Today, I laugh about why I thought he was so unattractive because he is a very attractive man (and that is why my friends laughed so hard). I married him because God said he was the right one. I still laugh about the “test” that I gave him to be sure I heard from God right. I told God that I would not marry any man that looked at other women (so too much of that growing up). So, when he went to the bathroom, I put my roommates girly magazine on the table. I watched carefully to see what he would do (trying to not let him see I was watching). He went over to the magazine and said, “I rebuke you, Satan” and flipped it over. He later told me that he made a covenant with his eyes to God. He wanted to be like the prophet who never let his words fall to the ground. He also wanted to never look at anything that causes his eyes to cause him to sin. Since he was eleven he has habitually turned his head with half dressed women. I will sometimes ask him why he turned his head, and he has no idea. He just has done it so long (he is forty six now). He has now encouraged our boys to learn to do the same thing. I could go on for hours with our story of God’s hand involved in bringing us together (such as him saying he saw me when he was a teenager and if temptation was to sin with a young girl, he would see my personality-he said he knew I had dark brown hair). But, I say this to explain our story is different than the one mentioned. God did give me the man who he wanted me to marry, answering my eleven year old prayers. I would later walk with him on this path of serving God with seven children and homeschooling (the same vision in his heart was also in my heart). I can say that my husband is truly my best friend. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. That doesn’t mean everything is roses and peaches. There has been selfishness on both sides that has had to be worked out of both of us, which includes painful lessons. I guess everyone’s story is different. I would have liked this author to just share her story rather than making general statements of her truths like God doesn’t pick out soul mates (which is true and pagan) but gives the impression that God can’t find a spouse that will have the same heart or vision for your life that he has for your life. When I read the story of how Isaac got his wife Rebecca or Jacob and Rachael, I see men praying for a wife, and God being very involved just as he was in my life.
Amen.. i agree. I know he’s got someone out there ready for me, thanks. this is soo good.
I burned my ridiculous, over the top, sappy husband journal about a year into my marriage and never let my husband see it! I too grew up with all of “The One” mindsets. When I met a guitar playing, Jesus loving, worship leader, I almost thought that it was going to work; until a break-up with “The One” devastated me and my relationship with God for several years. I am totally on board with you, as is my husband. My first year of marriage absolutely destroyed any and all illusions I had about the institution. Marriage is about choosing to love someone you like, admire, and with whom you can grow though life. My husband is such a person, and we enjoy each other every day. Glad to see someone is spreading the word! I had thought to myself to write about this issue. It desperately needs to be corrected in the church. I have a pastor for a father, and though I love him so much, he also fed into this lie because of his experiences with meeting my mom (dreams, coincidences, the whole shebang.) Thanks for the blog!
YES!!!!! You are so right! Thank you for this refreshing and insightful post. I read “I kissed dating goodbye” and came to the conclusion that it is primarily meant for those who are trying to leave the dating scene, not necessarily those who have never dated and are happy to wait for a while- for those people, it tends to make them overly conservative and idealistic. I also tried the letters…also found them later…and threw them away because they were so embarrassing! LOL. I go to a Christian university where chapel speakers love to communicate the exact image you talked about- a guitar strumming youth minister is out there for you, and if he doesn’t go on mission trips and lead worship, he is not truly a man of God and not meant for you! (I do love my school, but that bit gets old!). It is so beautiful to know that my husband chose to be with me and chooses that every day…and even if he may not fit that list, he loves God and helps me grow spiritually. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, this post made my day!!!
A friend reposted this on FB and I simply had to respond. I’m a novelist and this is very topic is the impetus for my latest work… challenging the notion of soul mates. Yep, the very idea can mess with your head, your heart, your marriage, your expectations. Enjoyed your thoughts!
Love this.
As a 21 year old single Christian woman, this is such an amazing article to read! As much of the talks between my single girlfriends and I are of who do we think God has for us. Thank you for sharing your advice! I will have to keep this in mind as I’m trying to figure out the crazy dating world!
I ADORE this post, thanks so much for sharing!
Thanks for such a great post! I pray your marriage is filled with bliss. I was so delighted to see a post like this. I have too many friends and heard too many singles scolded for either not wanting to be married or not waiting for “the one.” I love your statement that God’s plan is for us to become more like Christ, because truly it is. I think marriage can be a socially acceptable idol in church which leads to loads of disappointment. No one other than God can completely satisfy the human heart. Thanks for this post!!! I shared it on Pinterest. Love the pics too!
I think from experience that we can ask God to do the choosing for us. Yes, there are any number of potential compatible partners. But I have a relationship where God spoke SO clearly through a lot of “coincidences” that He was okay with us choosing eachother. We both asked Him to only let us go with the best, before we knew eachother and after. And I couldn’t see anyone else!
I think that God honors our desire to let Him give us His best. Getting into the mechanics is funny, wouldn’t want to try, but I have experienced His hand in my relationship with Nichole. I can’t deny that He is good at helping us choose!
This was well written. I have been married 3 years and often wonder if I married who God intended, but then I think but I wanted to marry Michael!! So this validated my thoughts and feelings!! Thanks Hannah for sharing you helped me a lot!! I choose to love Michael and I chose to marry him, and it was one of the best choices I have ever made!
Great post!. I am a 52 yo African American woman who can so relate to this article in many ways. I have been happily married for 28 years to a man I met while part of a christian organization at our HBCU college. We were taught to write down our idea husband/wife (I would laugh if I read it now), date only with the intent of marriage (my family thought I was ‘going too far’ with this ‘religious’ thing), ‘wait for your soul mate’, and many of the things mentioned in your article. I’m not sure if he was the only one or ‘THE’ soul mate, but what I do believe/know is he is my best friend and I am grateful to be spending my life with him. I believe God loved us and knew us both so well that He helped us to meet and marry so we could encourage, love, build up, and do life with each other. The strong stance the christian ministry leaders took on dating, abstinence, and ‘scriptures’ (erroneously, at times) on Christian relationships kept us out of trouble, focused us and helped us to expect great things from marriage….. All the while falling in love with God and having a great time as we grew and learned as young, baby Christians. Again, thank you for the article to let me know my experience was not unique.
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Reblogged this on and commented:
As many of you know, I am a Christian.
I stumble-trip, stumble-trip through christianity because I am a flawed human being who is bent out of shape and dented by the rough edges of a world I didn’t get asked to be a part of and at times I wrestle with my compatibility with God to the point where I have about the spirituality of a lamp post, but it remains my core and so this whole ‘single’ journey has a very spiritual element for me. Today a friend referred a piece of writing that meant a great deal to me and I am breaking tradition by re-blogging the work of another as I feel this is a very important read for anyone who considers that their spirituality plays a significant part in their love life.
I have always maintained a very similar perspective on love/marriage to this woman and never bought in to the ‘soul mate’ idea and yet always questioned my spirituality and faith because of it. My very wise mother told me in my early years that ‘given the right environment and circumstances you can fall in love with damn near anybody’ and that choosing a life partner should involve wisdom and maturity, more than fantasy and our unreliable and every maturing emotions.
This was very reassuring to me and I think this piece is very realistic.
I could write a thousand words more on this topic but feel that this down-to-earth, centred woman has said it better than I ever could, so take it away Hannah…
I am not easily moved to tears when it comes to relationship blogs, cynic that I am, but this one succeeded. You got it figured out, my dear. Thank you for enlightening the rest of us.
I consider stumbling across this blog as a gift that arrived at the very time I needed it to. Thank you.
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This was amazing and I wish this was taught to more single christians everywhere. When I first head this idea my sophomore year in college I was distraught. But I’m glad I see the truth. I am also in a relationship where if I look at my list from years ago…he does not fit. But he is everything that I need and he definitely brings out the best in me and I couldn’t ask for anything more. We definitely have our ups and downs, but we choose to be with one another it is something special! I too am glad that God did not give me the desire of my heart when I was in high school and in my early college years. Thanks for sharing!! 🙂
~Helena
Reblogged this on They call me "Sophisticat" and commented:
Right perspective!
I loved this! Thank you so much for posting! Also, I love your wedding dress!
Reblogged this on The Rainbow Theory and commented:
I feel like I wrote this myself… only I didn’t. Awesome job, Hannah!
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This is beautiful. I am very thankful for this reminder that it is our choice to love everyday but in my case I can choose to let go and stop loving someone who is not good for me. Thank you for the AHHA moment of the day.
I am not a Christian, but I really appreciate this article. There is a truth behind this that is important despite religious affiliation. We have to put effort and work into love. We can’t just sit back and hope it all works out. Thank you for this. It was beautifully written.
This post made me think a lot but I did want to point out one thing – can’t He use a relationship as part of his plan to make us more holy? It sounds a bit callous to say that God doesn’t care about your love life – which is why some Christians use it as an excuse to date whomever they want, saying that God will bless their choice AFTER they made it.
I fully believe that God had a hand in choosing my partner because it happened to me. This guy wasn’t my type yet God told me that he would be the one to help me grow as a Christian and he did. I was shown a whole new side of love I never had before and was able to heal and grow and repent in ways I never knew I could. Maybe he’s not my soul mate but I know for sure that God had picked him out for me.
I agree. Blessings to you and your marriage.
I know you are not replying to comments anymore, but I just had to pop in and say thank you! I think this is so spot-on… something I’ve tried to explain to people before, but I’ve been unsuccessful, whereas you have expressed it beautifully! Thanks so much for sharing. I even talked my husband into reading… that’s saying something! So perfectly written!
Stumbled across this on someones Facebook… This is wonderful, and is a great confirmation to a single person, like myself, that you can have the same perspective on the other side. It’s easy to say that all that matters is that “he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone to whom you were attracted” when you’ve been single for awhile. But for you, being married to the man you will always be with and to still say that that is all that matters and the rest is frosting is huge… it gives me hope that there are other people, and men out there who understand the commitment that marriage is, the commitment that love it, and that marriage is work every day, and is not contingent on how many things you have in common or which movies you both like. Not being married yet, I know that I’m not fully aware of the extent of these commitments my self, but it’s wonderful married couples in my life who’ve helped me to understand what I do know. So, keep sharing your wisdom, even with the short experience with marriage you have… you’re wise beyond your married years.
Hello Hannah. May I translate this text to portuguese and post on my facebook with your name on it? I really would like to share your wise words with many christian girls from my city in Brazil, but most of them don’t speak English.
God bless you
Thalyta
Well said! Thank you! It seems that everyone I meet either views marriage as a search for the Disney Prince Charming or the Evangelical Youth Pastor husband. It is great to finally hear someone talk sense into the situation!
Thank you very much for posting this. It always frustrated me when my mom shoved purity books and other such resources because I felt like something was off, and recently I broke up with my Christian boyfriend because even though I was dating a good Christian guy, I really felt like something was off. And I didnt quite realize what it was until a week ago, after I broke up with him, It was the fact that even though we were both Christians, We werent growing closer to God. I broke up with him with the full intent of changing my priorities from “dating a good christian guy” to “Being the best Christ follower I can be.” and I honestly believe this will make the difference for my life. I’m extremely glad I’m figuring this out before college. And I’m very glad I’m seeing so much evidence that I made the right choice.
Puh-REACH!
That was great. I am 14, and I have to admit that I have often dreamed about “the future man for me”. You popped my bubble, but thanks. It needed to be popped.
Much of what you say is true, but not all of it sits well with me, at least in my understanding and belief. God is sovereign and once He has saved you and sealed you for all eternity, He is interested in the details of your life and He does have specifics planned for you. You see it throughout Scripture. God doesn’t randomly give people directions, He is specific: how to build the ark, which tree not to eat from, when Jacob found Rebecca, how many times to march around Jericho, which star for the wise men to follow. God is specific and His plans for our lives are too 🙂 I do believe He has THE person picked out for you, whether you think you are the one who actually did the choosing or not.
I LOVE this!! When I was in my early 20’s my mother was talking about how my dad is her soul mate. I regretted to inform her that there is no biblical basis for a soul mate, and that “God is our soul mate.” She brushed it aside until I told her dad felt the same, and for a split second she was a little hurt. We try to romanticise faith so much we lose sight as to why God came down to save us.
Oh, and I’m glad I didn’t marry that obnoxious youth-leader imaginary husband I dreamed about. My real husband is 1000x better. 🙂
I’m a 35 year old single woman and I have to work so hard to squash the facetious comments when people opine on my singleness….”Don’t worry, there is one for you out there.” REALLY? DO YOU KNOW THE MIND OF GOD? YOU WILL GUARANTEE THAT FUTURE ACTION FOR ME? Or, “I’ll pray for a spouse for you,” often said to me by older divorced women. AND I WILL PRAY FOR ONE FOR YOU…occasionally I have dared to say that out loud and they are shocked. WHY CAN’T I PRAY FOR A SPOUSE FOR THE 55 YEAR OLD DIVORCEE? MAYBE GOD WANTS TO BLESS HER ENORMOUSLY, LIKE C.S. LEWIS…Or, “Sally married so-and-so, and you are much prettier than Sally…” WHAT? MY MARRIAGEABILITY IS BASED ON MY BEING PRETTIER THAN CERTAIN WOMEN? And it goes on and on….
Such a blessing this blog was to me!
10 years ago, I was a youth leader in a small, yet fantastic church in Florida. We had a question and answer session one night, where my wife and I tried to give advice/encouragement to the group on an “anything goes” kind of question/answer thingie. When asked about finding a mate, I answered with this same point, nearly word for word. I’ve never been in so much trouble with a church in my life 🙂 I have stood by this for years, and I am completely happy to read this from you. This kicks ass.
BTW My wife and I have been married for 13 years now, and things are still amazing.
WOOOOOOW! What a beautiful powerful post you have here! So blessed, Hannah! This totally made my day. I’m glad a friend recommended it to me. 🙂
While I do believe in “soul mates” I have found that they come around at the most inconvenient of times. He’s married, you are not. You are married, he is not. I married a man I thought was funny, witty, intelligent and interested in a wide array of subjects. After marrying him, he kept up the facade until he met the Internet. Now, the Internet is his bride, and what started as a happy marriage of two people is the unhappy parting of two people who are trying to be civil to one another while one moves out of the house. I chose to marry him because I loved him, and I still do. It’s just that he doesn’t love me nor am I completely sure he ever did. I am happy that your marriage has worked for you because it does take daily work on both people’s parts to make a partnership flourish and last. Thank you for the message in your post. I found my way to it on another blogger’s site.
What a blessing to read this post! I can’t even begin to explain the impact this has had on me personally. Definitely something I needed to hear! THANK YOU!!!
My husband and I have always believed this way! Glad to see someone else believes this way too! I love my husband more than air; but i dont believe thier is a ONE for me. I choose my husband everyday! Love this blog!
It was a blind date; it was magical; it was love at first sight, yet impossible—this phenomenal young woman could never want me…but we mesmerized each other with warmth, intelligence, humor, sincerity, thoughtfulness, caring, selflessness—the list does go on. Turns out that love isn’t easy and it takes work—we put it in; it takes commitment—we persevered; it is a choice—especially when times get difficult. I agree with your father, Hannah—-God gives us wide latitude to make life’s choices and calls it Free Will—it’s what makes us human and it is our test if we are to develop into the creatures with whom God wants to share His eternity. I do believe in love at first sight; I also believe we can learn to love somebody, choose to love somebody—and isn’t that really the meaning of “falling in love?” I don’t believe in most “miracles” as commonly understood. In our times I believe God whispers to us, helps to show us choices, helps to offer guidance and consolation in our choices—as well as forgiveness for some of them. I see miracles not in an unexplained cure of a disease, but in a doctor trying a little harder, maybe stopping to offer non-medical support—like a prayer or a commitment to just be there for someone. God doesn’t prevent accidents, but He may whisper to a passerby to stop and look more closely and offer a hand (sounds a bit like the Good Samaritan story?) —-I don’t really believe God affects outcomes, but instead offers choices to influence people—take those or leave them, being wholly up to the individual. Are we whole without our spouses? Were we less than whole before? No, we are not whole without our spouses, for together we shape who we are. Were we less than whole before? Yes, because human life is best lived in “community” whether with one or with many. My darling wife died much too young—yet she’s the only one, ever—sorry to disagree with you on that, but that indeed was OUR relationship. After her death, I joined the Catholic Church (she was Catholic and we attended Mass for all of our years dating and married together). A priest said to me—“if you want to avoid pain in life, don’t love; once you have loved and lost that person to death, it is astounding how many other people and things to do in your life it takes just to allow you to traverse the abyss that seeks to swallow you up as you walk without your loved one.” In short, whether the closeness of a spouse or the arms of a community, it takes others for us to fully develop and live. Interesting that you would want James to die first—-you’ll not begin to appreciate how difficult that circumstance is until you face it—-I thought I could survive it, had more resolve, other “things to do to keep me busy”—-I can only tell you that you’ll need more strength, and help, then than you need today in your choice to love James. I find music has become a great part of my life along with other elements of art (if we are created in the image of God and can create and appreciate art, then shouldn’t we believe that art pleases God? teaches us, too?) A favorite “popular” song of mine is from the musical WICKED—-it is called FOR GOOD…peruse the lyrics and think about whether paths cross because of some whisper from God—what we do with those events is up to us—God offers us opportunities—and sometimes it is to find people who make us better….happened to me—she made me so much better than I ever would have become on my own; it might have happened with someone else, but once we both made the choice our relationship and love became inviolate….just an observation from further down the path….and blessings to you, Hannah, on your future with James.
Great wedding photography! Whitney Neal Photography did an excellent job, and you and your husband make a beautiful couple.
Reblogged this on Deana Louise and commented:
I LOVE this. I remember the whole “I kissed dating goodbye” era of our youth group days -I was a youth leader back then and I remember thinking, something was amiss- what a smart young woman– I watch too many people get all wrapped up in paralysis afraid to make a decision because it might not be “what God wants.” — Love is a CHOICE. Don’t get wrapped up in who you are going to marry as if that is the be all and end all of existence. LIVE YOUR LIFE.
I do believe there is an example in scripture of God having that “certain one” for us.
Genesis 24:14 May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.” 15 Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder.
I understand what you are saying, but I think you link up things that don’t have to be linked up. I do believe God has a person in mind for you–how can He know the hairs on your head, when you rise up and sit down (Psalm 139), the fact that even a sparrow doesn’t fall to the ground without his will–and not care who you spend your life with? That doesn’t add up to me. At the same time though, I agree with your rejection of the things you used to say about the person you would marry. And once married, it’s definitely a daily moment by moment choice to love, and to stay married, because you’re basically choosing whether you’re going to obey God or not. FYI, I have been married 22 years, was 36 when I got married, and am in full-time Christian work.
So true!!!! I love and appreciate this post so much!!
I’ve read through this a few times, and I still don’t fully understand this post, could you put it into other words?
I loved this! True and funny!! After being divorced and feeling completely shamed by that, it’s refreshing being reminded that my “one and only” didn’t leave with my one and only chance at being a Godly wife (and hopefully a mother). Love is a choice, NOT a feeling. A person has to chose to love their spouse just as they chose to follow Christ… When those things stop, your marriage will crumble. Good words!!!
You must have been born in 1984. Because everything about this post was my exact experience. Gotta love being a teen in the late 90’s…. I love your theologian dad’s comments. He speaks to the side of me who minored in Biblical studies. And I more than once have told my unmarried friends all that matters is if the guy loves God, makes you laugh, and you are semi- attracted to one another ( I also say he needs to have a stable job). I never comment on stranger posts. But this spoke to me and made me laugh. So, thanks for the blog!
I was born in 1984! And she nails this piece of writing! Haha!
Beautifully written. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. It is so true and honest. I needed to hear this- thank you.
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Reblogged this on Laying Foundations and commented:
Oh wow, this post was too awesome not to share. God absolutely wants us to make decisions based upon principles in life. Even things as important as a spouse, where to go to school, what to do in school, what to do for work, where to live, etc. But yeah, being single is also another reason why this resonates with me.
Love it chica, Might be time to look again at the faith I’ve been running from for the past two years.
RAD LOVE LOVE!
Thank You… Well said!!
Mother of three daughters<3
Hi! I am 22 years old and you just described my life! Well ya know without the husband and well..umm..boyfriend thing too lol!
Thank you so much for writing this! It has helped me so much, to get out of my imaginary Christian fairy tale bubble and back to how God wants us to do relationships, or to even ask God if He wants us in one in the first place! Okay, all finished 🙂 just wanted to say THANK YOU!
I thought about this for awhile, and at first I agreed with it. But then I got to thinking about Psalm 139 where it states that all my days were written in God’s book before there was even one of them. (Psalm 139: 16) And in Luke 12: 7 it says the very number of our hairs is known to God. If He knows those kinds of things, surely He would know exactly whom I would pick for a husband.
If it were just randomly up to me to pick any old Christian mate, that brings me no comfort, no assurance that He is working all things together for the good in my life if I am seeking to love Him. My God is much more intimately involved in my life. He is not just “up there” watching me, but He is guiding me every step of the way, in spite of my many mistakes.
I just wanted to say this for people who may have had a difficult time in marriage to encourage them. You didn’t just randomly make a choice, in my view of the Bible’s teachings. And if even if you weren’t a believer at the time, God can still redeem your marriage. If you seek first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness in your life, He will works all things for the good in your life, even the choice of a mate. (Romans 8:28) As far as a soul- mate, you don’t need one if you have Christ. For only He can fulfill us, not Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful Mate.
I love this! It’s so true! I wish my 14 year old self hadn’t gotten caught up in this too. My first engagement ended disastrously. But I’m now happily married to the man that I work hard with, love for who he is and have a happy, blessed marriage with now.
Plus I’d like to add thank you for the cynicism towards the “I kissed Dating Goodbye” era with the healthy dose of humor. 🙂 It made this a joy to read.
This was a nicely written post. My dad would tell me that he would pray for my and my sister’s future husbands, but he also said that our spouses’ names are not written in God’s word. I also experienced that movement that you were referring to; it helped me try to focus more on my relationship with God, but I know it messed with a lot of people’s heads. I met my husband at college, at a Christian organization, but God surprised me. He was new and I didn’t know him; he wasn’t one of my good guy friends. At that time, I also finally decided to stop chasing the idea of a boyfriend and focus more on God, my college classes, and life. I had to make a prayerful choice to even go on a date with him. We both chose to continue to date, even when I moved five hours away (for two years). We know God has blessed us in our marriage, but we still have to choose to like each other every day, even when it’s hard.
This is where lack of faith really shows. There are countless examples of God leading people to each other; but there’s a catch; they had to believe He could do it and have the faith to wait, be patient, and follow *His* direction instead of their own. If you follow your own way, then yes, you’re going to miss out on many wonderful experiences and plans that He has in store for you, but if you have faith and believe, He will answer your heart’s pure desire to be united with a soul that fits with you, and will be there to help you walk the path He’s chosen you to walk, and vice the versa.
This is so true…it’s so easy for us to walk in unbelief and to justify it.
But should our heart’s desire be to find someone to marry? Shouldn’t our heart’s desire be to serve the Father? To add to the Kingdom? I think the original blogger was only trying to emphasize the ridiculous obsession that we often have with love; I don’t believe she was trying to discount the importance of letting the Lord guide our paths.
I look forward to the 10-, 20- and 30-year blog posts… I’m sure time will provide an interesting perspective on your thoughts about marriate. Congratulations on first you anniversary 🙂
I’m not religious, well I was raised very much catholic [altar boy and all!] but not so much these days. I will say that I loved the story and I am glad to hear that you two are happy. It was a beautiful post and the photos really complemented it. Thank you for sharing 🙂
I am pretty much anti-church, but you have some great points here. God aside, it’s also well-written! First time I’ve read an entire blog all the way through that wasn’t a friend’s or family member’s. I do disagree with the end though….so if kids weren’t doing church-y activities, they were watching reruns or doing drugs? Come on. Finish off your post with more integrity than that!
Hi there, saw your post shared on Facebook and just had to put in my two cents.
While I agree with you in certain respects, I have to disagree on others. Why? Because my life is proof: I DID marry my soulmate. God told both of us that we were going to be married and that He chose us specifically for one another when we were 14 and 15 years old. 9 years later, we got married, not without A LOT going on in between that time that involved numerous break-ups and almost two years of no communication in which God told me to wait for my now-husband because he was going to come back to me (even though he was with another girl!).
I have our story on my blog if you’re interested in seeing how exactly God orchestrated this relationship that was destined to be….it was far more than a series of chance encounters and completely mine and his own choices that led to us coming together (as you made it sound like relationships start), it was the leading of Holy Spirit because He knew exactly who we both needed to be with in order to walk out our destiny to its fullness….
http://thehalirose.blogspot.com/p/my-love-story-part-1.html
and part 2:
http://thehalirose.blogspot.com/p/my-love-story-part-2.html
I’m currently working on and almost done with part 3.
There is a great mystery involving free will and God’s sovereign plan. I don’t understand it, and I know that no one else, even if they claim to, can understand it, either. But I DO know that the God who intricately plans everything in our lives from where we live, to our job, to what color hair we are born with would OBVIOUSLY have a plan for the biggest and most important decision we will make in our lives, aside from accepting Jesus. It’s just silliness to me to say that God would plan anything or everything else, but just NOT THAT. It is out of line with His character. In fact, we have two biblical references (that I know of) which display God specifically CHOOSING for us: Adam and Eve (he made Adam and Eve specifically for one another, he could have made Adam a different person or even made multiple men or women to choose from, but He didn’t) and Isaac and Rebecca. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I don’t think He makes plans for one person and not another.
I understand the “marriage is not butterflies and rainbows” bubble you were trying to pop and I commend you for that because more girls need to realize that marriage is NOT a fairytale and won’t complete them and satisfy them. But to also make it sound like marriage is completely based on our own choices the whole way leading up to it and through it, is completely discounting God’s sovereignty and the fact that He DOES have a good plan for us to prosper us IN EVERY AREA of our lives. Yes, that scripture was written to Israel for a different purpose, but I doubt you discount all the other thousands of scriptures that were written for other people during another time for another purpose and illegitimate to your own life.
Anyway, I really just wanted to share the other side of the coin based on my own story and journey with my husband that I’ve been walking on for nearly 10 years, now.
Really awesome revelation and just some good truth that many needed to hear. I’ve thought this myself for a long time and truly believed that there might be one perfect person but we are free to pick someone else if we chose that life for ourselves. It’s completely up to us and God will bless it. I pray that your marriage is blessed from the fruit of this blog. Thanks for sharing it.
Interesting. I think I understand her point, but technically, given God’s omniscience, when a person is single, God does actually know who they will eventually marry, so that person, unknown to us at the time, is “THE ONE”. But I suppose the silliness begins if we try to figure out ahead of time who “THE ONE” is through spiritual weirdness, looking for hints, etc. (By the way, I really appreciate that she sees how many people misinterpret the over-used Jeremiah 29:11) Also, calling the future spouse “THE ONE” may put too much on the relationship, bordering on idolatry, which, even though it will be the most intense and important of our human relationships, pales in comparison to the relationship with God, our Creator and Sustainer. Thanks for posting.
This is so good. I was literally talking with a friend about this yesterday. I agree with your post in its entirety, and I so appreciate that you’re writing this from a married perspective. It can be easy for single people (like myself) to say they don’t believe in soulmates because, well … we haven’t found that special someone yet. The married perspective brings a certain credibility. It sounds like you’re in a loving, committed, beautiful marriage; and yet you still delight in the choices that God gave you and walk faithfully in the things that He’s called you once your decision to marry had been made. From where I stand, that’s maturity. And it’s pretty neat to read about.
I laughed out loud about the part where the dream guy was strumming Chris Tomlin on the guitar. You can rest assured that guy only learned one song and wandered around aimlessly playing it over and over again in an attempt to impress girls. But somehow, he still won all of our hearts, lol.
Okay, so you don’t believe in soul mates…I agree that the idea that someone else completes you is wrong, but I think that God has specific, detailed plans for people’s lives and is waiting to give them wisdom in various areas, not just marriage,but everything about our destiny. The bible tells us that the God knows the number of hairs on our heads (Luke 12:17), implying that God loves us in a very intimate and detail oriented way (see Psalm 139, which implies this as well). I find it hard to believe that God doesn’t care who we marry as long as he/she is Christian. For one thing, what if God’s destiny for one person was to be a missionary in Africa, and another was to be a doctor in a small town in Kansas? If such two people got married, they would not be able to fulfill their destinies and still be together. Also, if you are looking for evidence of one specific preferred partner to marry as opposed to anybody, consider couples the couples, Adam & Eve, Isaac & Rebecca, Ruth & Boaz, and Mary & Joseph. Eve was made as a “suitable helper for Adam,” Abraham’s servant prayed for God’s guidance for finding Isaac’s wife and God gave him the sign he asked for, though the book of Ruth does not explicitly say that God put Ruth and Boaz together, the whole story seems to make a point about God’s providence and how he works things out, and Joseph was told to continue in his plans to marry Mary by an angel, when he had doubts after he found out Mary was pregnant. Obviously, God worked in these people’s lives. Also, consider that the marriages of today predict the kind of children God creates in the future. I’m not saying it’s a sin to not marry your soulmate if he is a Christian, or that non-soul mate marriages cannot work, but I think approaching marriage or any important plan with God’s guidance and prayer, and leading from the Holy Spirit is the best way to do anything.
Kind of agree on that. I think once you marry, you’re done. That is now your soulmate. Your souls are now mated – period. Aren’t they? I think the problem here is the definition. If you mean we both perfect and always awesome…. Please! If you mean we are beautiful picture of two souls united as one in God’s eyes just like He and church will be. How more soulmate can you get?
Now before you are married…. I find it hard to believe that God just hoped those Biblical pairings would show up so He could use them in the Bible. Or did he have a hand in that ya think? You can’t have it both ways exactly.
And I also find it hard to believe the all knowing Father of us doesn’t have an opinion of who you marry as long as he/she’s a Christian and a few other rules for everyone… Now that can definitely be taken to extreme where everything has God’s touch because you ‘feel’ it and are ‘lead to’ etc… But think back on my second paragraph, I’m not sure how anyone can disagree soundly.
44 year old married for over 20 years, both happily and unhappily depending on the year or day. By the way, I think God meant for us to be together, and once we were married I know He does, I just don’t think that means you’re sappily happy every moment either. lol
I completely get where you’re coming from on the first paragraph. Yes, even though God has a plan for us, if you marry the wrong person, you should definitely stay with them and try to make it work (unless the person is abusive or cheating on you). The whole soulmate thing is more applicable to people who are still unmarried because once you are married you must stay with who you are with-regardless as to what was destined or not destined. And yes, when I mean soul mate, I do not mean a perfect person or a couple that always gets along. I am talking about a God-predestined relationship. 🙂
Hahahaha! So true! My fiance was too obsessed with Batman and cars to be thinking about his future wife at age 14. Oh wait….he still IS obsessed with Batman and cars. XD
Beautiful blog post. I grew up in a Christian home and also spent hours and hours thinking about what my future husband would be like. Who this man God had in store for me would be. I would also allege that my parents had this same belief – that God had a perfect person for me. In fact, not only did I have a list for my future husband as to what he should be, so did they! And it completely backfired on all of us. They have never thought that any man I liked was “good enough” for me and I have had completely unrealistic expectations myself.
I met a boy at 15 and fell in love and thought that was it, that was who I was “meant” to be with. He was going to be a youth pastor and I was going to be a teacher. It was perfect! So, instead of viewing my life as filled with choices and myself as a complete person, I had this notion that I needed him. This idea that God wanted me to be with him, no matter what. I thought I needed to be completed by my “other half”. I spent 6 years in a horrible marriage filled with unrealistic expectations on both sides (I thought he should be prince charming, he thought I should enthusiastically be intimate with him anytime he wanted), we had 3 kids in 3 years and I decided at the end that I was in a toxic, abusive relationship. He was advised to be like Hosea and wait for me, to never quit fighting for me. It turned out to be very hurtful to both of us by the end of it all. I carried those same perceptions of a soul mate on into my next relationship. Because of this idea that I needed someone to complete me, I have allowed myself to be mistreated and abused for half of my life.
Years later, at almost 30 years of age, I have finally learned that not only are men simply human, not prince charming, but also that I am a complete person on my own. I don’t need a husband to be happy or to live a fulfilled life. I am a whole person. I have choices and I could be happy by myself or with many different spouses, there is no magic bullet. Realizing this has been quite freeing for me and while I wish that I had not been given some unrealistic ideal, I am also grateful that I now know the truth because hopefully, my daughters won’t have to learn the hard way that they have choices and the responsibility to choose wisely for themselves.
Thank you for busting this lie and bringing a dose of reality to marriage, I would say by doing so you may have saved many a woman or young girl from living a life of abuse and believing it is all just a part of God’s plan. We have choices. How liberating!
I love how you highlight that love is a conscious choice we make ourselves. Too often, it is so easy to take the other person for-granted. Thank you for sharing your fresh perspectives.
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Reblogged this on Plain Valerie and commented:
I thought this was an interesting read considering my life was predominately spent believing God put me and my ex husband together so I was required to love him and required to make it work or else I was either 1. Making God angry with me or 2. I was going to hell if I divorced and remarried someone I was in love with.
I actually do believe my husband , Ken Darville , is my soulmate and also believe God brought us together, however, I also believe love is a daily choice and a good fulfilling marriage takes both people putting 100 % effort in as much as is humanly possible because I believe couples can grow apart if given the time and opportunity. My thoughts on love and marriage have changed considerably since I’ve remarried. I will eventually write all about it. But for now I will just say this : I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I choose to love him every day and he is my very best friend . I honestly can not imagine my life without him and I pray I never have to.
Love hearing this! It sounds like I went through a very similar path to you (spiritually and with other interests you write about), and it’s refreshing to hear another person’s reflection on that journey. It’ll be fun following your blog!
I am not very religious, and did not grow up going to youth groups or camps, but I do find what you said to be very true. I grew up hoping for a soul mate as well and dreaming about what there person would be like, but as I grew up I came to a very similar realization and I greatly enjoyed reading about yours.
We find out “soul mates” when we are ready to be in a serious committed relationship, when we are ready to settle down with one person for the rest of our life, and we happen to find someone else who is at the same situations. From there on out it is our choice to be with that person, every relationship takes work and a constant choice to be with that person and their constant choice to be with you and work through any issues you two might have.
Thank you for blogging about this, it is wonderful to hear of others who have realized this, especially others who are choosing every day to love the person they are with.
Yessss!!! 🙂
My feeling exactly. I have long abondoned the idea that God was storing my ideal husband / partner somewhere until I was worthy of him… because he never turned up.
If I ever had a husband I’d wish to be able to write about him like you. What you said matches exactly the discussion I had with my therapist expressing my ongoing laments about not finding someone for me.
One day he quoted someone who said that the person by your side doesn’t need to be perfect, he just needs to be “good enough”.
Meaning that you need to agree on basic stuff like preferrence for going out or staying in a lot, staying up late or being an early bird and that sort of thing. The rest is frosting… 🙂
x
Erika
I loved this post and definitely relate to your experiences (oh the future husband letters! I had all but forgotten them). I’m sure most anyone with a more “seasoned” marriage (myself included) would echo your sentiments here. Having a successful and loving marriage is a choice you make every day, to keep your vows and commitment to one another. You have an excellent, no nonsense view, and I wish I knew more women like you! Congratulations on your one year anniversary (and the many more that are sure to follow).
Great post. LOVED IT!!! The other statement I hear a lot is… “When you STOP looking”…. Gag!!! LOL I guess after I graduated from College I stopped. And everyone thought I went to college just to get my MRS. Little did they know!!!! Sometimes some gals actually go to college to get their Bach. degree. SHOCKER!
Reblogged this on please reside here. and commented:
This is an EXTREMELY interesting post. I spent a fair bit of time going through the comments as well. The writer’s point of view also echoes a lot of how I feel about decision making in general and being in the will of God.
Souls do not mate. Can God bring two people together? Sure. But what about those who walk outside God’s will and marry? Are they not blessed? Do they have less of a Godly authentic marriage? NO! The point is, “Whoever God joins” in marriage, are not to let anything come between them. “It” is a sacred act, and is blessed by God. It will take hard work from both the man and the woman. This “soul mate” crap is nothing but a modern version of the mystical Platonic determinism of the past. My hat is off to Hannah for posting this – It is Biblical.
all i gotta say is cant put God in a box….what about Isaac and Rebeka? or Hosea and Gomer seems like God had specific women lined up for them…i dont think you can put God in a box I think everyones situation is different….some people may have that one person meant for them
^^^ this guy
Greetings from Estonia! It’s pretty ridiculous to think back at the teenage years, I was exactly like the girls you described. I still have my list of 28 bullets and it’s rather a reminder how I once thought things would happen. I’m 27 and still waiting for God to show who to pick and this post made it just a bit easier. Thanks! May God bless your sweet marriage and keep you deciding on being in love! 🙂
love it – too true. I relate to your story very much. Thanks for blogging.
Comment #539 here! Beautifully put! I never “kissed dating goodbye” but I did go on a “quest for love” to “fall in love with Jesus”. And I may have burned my journals out of embarrassment when I opened them years later! No one needs to read those. No one. Ever.
It’s a beautiful choice, marriage. A daily choice that reminds me every day how good God is.
Thank you for sharing this and I look forward to catching up on your blog!
Reblogged this on hopes and fails and commented:
this is pretty awesome. As someone who is definately still getting over the “Soul Survivor” generation of Christian dating advice, I love that a different attitude is being encouraged.
Thanks for sharing your heart in this post. I am single and in my late 30’s. I have wanted to be married for the last ten years. I dated throughout my 20’s and I have always seen a husband in my future. I too had the lists of characteristics I wanted in my spouse. I will also say that I’ve been celibate since the age of 18 – a one night stand was the last time my spirit allowed me to rebel sexually. I share all this because I believe that God has had a very real and direct guidance and correction in my life. He was present and active in every choice I have made. His guidance and influence are especially visible when I look back on my life. There are many things that I wanted and many things that I chose throughout my 20’s that were not part of God’s plan for my life. How do I know that? Because none of it worked out in my life. Many things fell mid-flight. The men, once so eager to talk to me or impress me simply disappeared. All this BEFORE I committed myself to God and His instructions for life. My committed walk with God began about 8yrs ago. In my covenant relationship with my Father God, I have learned to ask HIm to use me according to His will, to conform me according to His character and nature and to change my heart to desire the things He desires to give me in life.
In all these years, only one man has able to reach my heart and sear my soul. One man. Even when I had the illusion of choosing from many others, far more practical choices; even when I thought I didn’t want this man because of His seemingly loose way of walking out his faith, my thoughts and my focus return to him. I am convinced that he is my husband and I am convinced that God has been working on us both for many years to prepare us for the full glory, honor and work that is a covenant marriage with Jesus in the center, guided and enriched by God’s Holy Spirit. We have both made many choices over the years that have seemingly put a huge gulf between us, but God with His mercy and planning always show us how connected we are in the smallest of instances and the slightest of events.
I share this because I think you’re giving yourself far too much credit. Yes, we have free will. But I truly believe that God’s biggest pleasure with each of us comes when we CHOOSE to yield/surrender/give our full lives back to Him. When we allow Him control of our lives, He is better able to mold us more fully into His image. I am because HE IS. Apart from God, my choices are nothing and they amount to very little in life. But with God, my choices are everything and life is a true wonder of daily miracles. The daily choice I take responsibility for is surrendering to God everything that is me, so that He will fill me with more of Himself. As you may already know, there are many days when surrender is not a thought in my mind or is stubbornly resisted – those days, I don’t want to be merciful, loving, or generous. However, after a while of wallowing in my own darkness, I return yet again broken and surrendered to His light and His will for me to love others as He loves me.
Thus the point of my post, if your primary focus is only to commit to loving your husband every day, what happens on the days when you are without the strength to do so? Is it only on those days that you seek God and ask for His strength to love your man as He originally intended?
It’s unfortunate that your parents busted your bubble/belief about God’s deep concern and attention to every detail of your life. His word does say that He takes and active interest in our lives. And our marriages are a reflection of our relationship with Him. You are not as in control as you think you are, but you can remain blind to all that our Father is blessing you with and growing you for.
Psalm 139:1-6
Lord, you have examined me
and know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts before I think them.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
4 Lord, even before I say a word,
you already know it.
5 You are all around me—in front and in back—
and have put your hand on me.
6 Your knowledge is amazing to me;
it is more than I can understand.
Be blessed, sister. May you and your husband and your marriage be conduits of God’s grace, mercy and love always.
I agree with you.
This article is wrong. God has a spouse in mind that is uniquely for you. We should not be yoked with unbelievers, or anyone that would drag us down spiritually. God’s eye is on the sparrow too, and cares more for us than sparrows.
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Trust me, that “kissed dating goodbye” movement the same impact on the Christian dudes…at least this one o.O Thank you so much for articulating what I’ve come to realize in my own life just in this past year!
Hi ! Thanks for your article. This area is a passion of mine and I have read many, many times, over and over again, where God was very clear to people in showing them who their mate was. I don’t deny your experience at all, but I can say, without a doubt, that God has done miracles in showing people clearly who they would marry. God is God and this is not a difficult thing for Him. All things are possible.
Awesome – yes, and yes, I was also in that Evangelical dream world and my bubble got popped. I realized it was a choice and chose to date and later marry my husband. And six years later – he’s still not my “soulmate” but he is my best friend. And though that isn’t as “romantic” – its so much better!
Loved this. I am continually dismayed at the significance the world places on “boy-girl” love. Listen to any love song lyrics; it’s disturbing. You place that much emphasis on conjugal love and you are BOUND to be disappointed. We were created to love the Father first and foremost. I believe the reason many marriages end in divorce is because people are looking to another person to complete them and give their life meaning. There is so much more to life than simply finding a person to marry. Don’t get me wrong; I am happily married and am devoted to my husband and our family but I recognize that this was not the only reason that I was created for.
This seems a bit one-sided to me. Yes, it’s true that love is a choice, that husbands don’t magically appear in our lives, that marriage requires work, that making a list of requirements for our future spouse is not necesarily a good thing, etc. And I’ve never embraced the idea that dating is wrong and you should just passively wait for the right guy to come along.
That being said, I do still believe God has a plan for us, and that this plan may include a husband. Throughout the Bible God is shown to be a person who takes care of us, gives us what we need, answers our prayers, comes to our aid, guides us and helps us making decisions. And not just in spiritual matters. He is also the One who freed his people when they were enslaved in Egypt, who guided Joseph when he was a slave and a prisoner, who protected David when he fought his many battles, who answered Hannah’s prayer when she desperately wanted a child. And… He helped Ruth find Boaz.
This helped me get through lonely nights when I wondered if I would ever find true love: the knowledge that God cares for me, and gives me all I need. And if I need a husband, He will help me in finding one. It gave me rest me when I felt I was a fool and I was scaring every man away. Because I believed, and I still believe, that my chances in life and in love don’t all depend on me, but that God takes care of things.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take any action ourselves. But we have to find the right balance between doing what we can, but laying it in His hands as well. I honestly believe that many (psychological) problems of Christians are due to the fact that they are not able to let things go and trust the Lord.
So let’s follow the example of Ruth. She didn’t passively wait for a new husband to come along. She took action. But it is also obvious that it was God who was guiding her in her actions, and that He was the one who helped her find Boaz.
Wonderful! So happy to witness other Christians who know that “God has a plan” means that God gave us the ability to make good choices, which result in good outcomes. He is the great Designer, not needing to micromanage the minutia of his Design.
Reblogged this on heartskeeper and commented:
AAfterAf
Reblogged this on adventuring and commented:
love this!!
I can definitely understand and agree with a lot of what you say, however, I think to imply that just because Jeremiah 29:11 was said to a specific people in a specfic instance that it isn’t valid for others would actually imply that the entirity of the Bible was not meant for anyone other than the exact people that it was originally written for which would invalidate the application of the Bible on any situation in anyone currently living’s life. That is a pretty broad reaching statement which I think almost anyone who claims to be a Christian would take issue with. Does that mean that Romans doesn’t apply to me because it was written to all in Rome, and I’m not in Rome. Does it mean that Act’s isn’t for me, because I’m not Theophilus? And when you look at it that way, its a little absurb to say that God doesn’t have a plan for your life.
Do I think that there are soulmates? No really, but I do believe that there are some that are better than oithers.for each person, absolutely! I was one of those girls. I kissed dating goodbye, convinced that my Prince Charming was just around the corner waiting for me. I went to church 5 times a week, gave up theatre which is one of my greatest passions because it interferred with Bible study. There was a guy, and I was convinced that he and I were meant to be (for the record, he is married yes to someone else and I am still single). I read every one of those Christian Dating books that I could get my hands on. But the experience for some is different than for others. It isn’t as though I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for HIM to arrive. I’m living my life, and redeeming the time, living a life of purpose. And when I find my Prince Charming, he will be my Prince Charming because I have made the choice to love him, and work on the relationship.
Beautiful, and exactly the way I pray my children will approach marriage. Happy Anniversary!
Thanks for sharing this Hannah. so many people are looking for the elusive “Prince Charming” or “Cinderella” today. And kudos to your dad for keeping your feet planted solidly on the “Rock”.
Okay. So I must admit, I bought a leather journal with the intention of writing my “future husband” letters. I told myself I would give it to him when we are serious and I knew he was the one I would marry. I never did get to that. I always felt so dumb when I had a pen in my hand and the journal in front of me. Crazy enough this was last year when I was 24 years old. haha
I love how you said that God doesn’t have just one person out there for us but that we choose. I always believed that and my choices have never been the best ones. One day I will make more choices and will make the right ones.
You choose to love your husband every day and make it work. That’s beautiful. Great post.
this is the best. I too have been swept away in the “girls retreat” movement where hey dont worry God has some ONE out there for you and he is basically so perfect that he fell from Heaven,he’s as close as he can be to an exact imitation of Jesus, and 100% angelic. Worship leader, who’s minor is “Youth Pastor”. Ah. this is the best article ever
What an awesome article! I was JUST the same as you! all the way in Africa! I found the book of letters- for my ‘future husband’ the other day- and wanted to die of embarrassment! haha! and I had exactly the same perfect man on my list. pastor, strong, guitar, campfire, the whole lot! haha! thanks for a fun and awesome post!
I know you aren’t responding to comments anymore, but I sure hope you still read them! This entry just made me laugh and I needed a humorous dose of reality. You do not know how much this post means to me. I was married for twenty years to a man that I felt was my soul mate, truly the one God had for me. I still believe that he could have been a lifetime love. However, the one thing that I realized during our divorce is that throughout life WE make choices either for the marriage or against it. Our choices define us and define our relationships, even moreso with our marraige. We change individually with each choice that we make into the person that would make that choice. Someone who might start off as a love of a lifetime, can make choices and become someone who you have to part from for your own life health and happiness.
As a Christian I struggled for many years with my decision to leave the marriage, mainly because I did not understand how I could choose to leave “The One” God had given me. It was a growing and a learning experience. I finally accepted that the end of my marriage was not a failure and definitely not a spiritual failure.
I am now happily divorced and hoping that love and I will find one another again. I laughed the most because, I was one of those teenagers that had “The List” and surprisingly after I got engaged to my ex-husband, I found it and read it. I have to stand here and tell you that from my memory (which isn’t at its sharpest at times), I was shocked to see how many things, if not all, were on the mark completely with this man. I think it is important to know what you are looking for and what you value most in a partner, but the truth is, although they may have every single attribute you are looking for, it doesn’t mean they won’t change and it doesn’t mean it will automatically be that lifetime love.
Ok, so now for the really funny part, yes, I did it again. I wrote another list and quite recently. I wanted to reflect on all that I had learned from my marriage, what I valued now after this relationship was over. A list of priorities and deal breakers (which I really didn’t know when I married my ex at 21!). However, the list I wrote this time was written through the lens of maturity and personal experience. I now understand that although I may meet a man who fulfills the checkmarks of my “list”, I have to go in with my eyes wide open, understanding that fulfilling the “list” does not a lifetime love make.
A lifetime love is exactly what you wrote about, it is one in which both people make the decision every day to love the other, to honor the relationship and to make choices to become a better partner in that relationship. One day when we look back on our lives, we all realize that our love of a lifetime was built one day at a time and one choice at a time.
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I respect this point of view, but I must say that I disagree with a lot of it. I do agree that we don’t have “soul mates” because the Bible says that there is no marriage in heaven. Even though I do agree that I could have been happy with several different guys, that does not mean at all that God doesn’t care who I marry. It’s the most important decision that we can make, because it affects the rest of our lives. To imply that God simply sits back and says “Well, good luck with that.” is just not characteristic of God. He says that not even a sparrow falls without God knowing about it, and how we are worth so much more to him than a sparrow. No, I know from my life’s experience and my relationship with God, that He knew who I would be most happy with, and because I asked for His leading- He gave it to me.
I also disagreed that you shouldn’t have a list of things that you would like your future husband to be like. Let me clarify that I don’t mean superficial traits such as: blonde hair, blue eyes and 6’2″ tall. I mean traits like: a man who is willing to work hard to support his family, doesn’t have an explosive temper, treats people with respect, has a deep relationship with Jesus Christ. I think that if we don’t determine what things are “deal breakers” for us, we are much more apt to settle for someone who we will one day lose respect for and say to ourselves “I wish I had chosen so much better! Now I’m stuck!”.
Thank you so much for this post! I just finished reading Gary Thomas’s book “The Sacred Search,” which talks at length about this very issue. It’s true that we have a very romantic notion of one person who is just right for us, but we don’t feel like that about any other decision we make in life. Not many people go through life thinking that there is one perfect job for them that will make them happy. We lend the process of finding mate such an air of mysticism, which seems spiritual but is often just a lack of faith. There are any number of people with whom I can have a happy marriage, because marriage is about mutual help and sanctification; my partner’s character is much more important than how he makes me feel.
And thank you for affirming singles and that the single life is meant to be a good, full, thriving life. Great, great post.
As the mom of a 14 year old daughter (who actually has told her to write her list), I really appreciate this post. You are right in so many ways. I’m going to be sharing this with her. Thank you.
Hugs,
Melinda
Fantastic! Pastor Steven Furtick says that you need to stop worrying about finding the right person and BE the right person. Wonderful and I hope you saved some brides from the let down after the wedding when they are like, uh oh, he’s not perfect, I married the wrong person.
Hello Hannah,
As a youth pastor I came across your post through social media. I want to thank you for your clear and clever thoughts. I want all my youth to read this! I wrote the following about what you said:
These next few phrases are taken from an amazingly interesting and sober view of marriage. I was stunned, floored, moved and had chills all over when I read them! Take the 5-10 minutes or so you will need to read this today! No kidding.
“But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.
“I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.”
thank you so much for say what too often goes unsaid and terribly misunderstood!
Exactly. I told people the same thing when I got married. I went to a Christian college and was dumbfounded by some of the things I was hearing about future spouses. Some men were so intent on finding a spouse it was like I wasn’t even allowed to be friends with them unless it was going somewhere. And some of these “good Christian” guys would avoid me after they asked me (on the FIRST date. Seriously) if I was a virgin and I said of course not (along with 95 percent of the population). I was never even looking for a husband or wanting to get married, but focused on my studies as a premedical biology major. I ended up randomly finding a great guy who was also going to medical school. A great guy that doesn’t care that I’m not afraid to be goofy, or didn’t spend his time searching for a perfect Christian Proverbs 31 virgin ready for him to break in. Of course, we both are very active in communication and striving to be the best for our spouses and bring God into our decisions. Both of us work full time (I work all-night shifts), but always take time for each other. Marriage is work. But it’s a whole lot harder work if you are expecting perfection out of your spouse because he is “perfect” for you and is “The One.” Then if he didn’t live up to your expectations (no one ever will), you will begin to inevitably think “did I marry the wrong person?” Marriages are destroyed that way. Thank you so much for this article. I loved every bit of it.
Wow, you really did get quite the reaction. 🙂 I agree with you. When I met my husband, I had another boyfriend and although I think I would have been happy with him, I chose to break up with him and date and marry my now husband. Every day for the last seven years we have chose to keep loving each other and he has become my soul mate. He wrote a post very similar to yours on his blog: http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/07/its-my-choice.html
It is nice to know other people feel the way we do. Thank you for your inspiring post. It makes me want to love my husband even more. 🙂
Beautiful words! It is refreshing to see the focus shift away from “the perfect man” and toward a Christ-honoring marriage, especially from a newlywed. One bit of unsolicited advice:
Now that you have married, be sure to allow yourself to BECOME the perfect soul mate to your husband. “And the two shall become one” is a marital privilege, an opportunity for husband and wife to enjoy increasing intimacy on every level of their relationship — body, soul (mind, will, emotions) and spirit (the capacity to relate to God). For couples in a Godly marriage, intimacy in one area is designed to intertwine with and promote intimacy in other areas.
Study him, learn his weaknesses and strengths, pray for and with him, encourage him, admire him, honor him.
And allow yourself to be known by him.
This will take intentionality and humility, love and grace, sacrifice and forgiveness. And it will take a lifetime — we will celebrate 40 years next month, and we are still learning and growing!
Beautifully written and I’m sorry you had to add the UPDATE at the end. This is a lovely post and I wish I had written it 🙂
It took me a few times to re-read this post to fully understand, but it makes perfect sense to me. I am engaged to someone who is very different from me and is someone I never thought I would end up with, but our love has blossomed and is stronger than ever. He is my best friend and we love each other’s company. We’ve had our moments but our mutual choice to work on our issues and make them better and our relatonship with God is what keeps us going!
My wonderful husband and I have been married 44 great years! We have 3 wonderful kids and 6 grandkids. I followed him around for 22 of his 24 Air Force years and we have been a constant support to each other with our families, jobs, children, volunteer and church activities. We are currently on a 6 week, 7 country European vacation that we have dreamed about for 45 years! We have already done other worldwide and American traveling we’ve always dreamed about.
My husband is my soul mate. But it took us almost all of the 44 years of our marriage to get there. 🙂 Something to look forward to, for sure. 🙂
I really enjoyed your write up, all the comment and your responds, I have learnt a whole lot and please do not relent in this good work. God bless you
As an Assemblies of God kid who also was brought up during the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” movement I have to say this is probably the most awesome thing I have ever read in regards to marriage.
14 yr old me is quite relieved with the realization that your spouse is and individual compatible with yourself to whom you make a commitment to continually choose to love. Especially because her deepest, darkest, fears were the possibility that God had set out for her to marry the devout albeit slightly creepy future street evangelist boy in the corner and not the hottie she felt she should spend the rest of her days with. Whew… Close call.
So crazy – I can relate to those things. One thing I have seen that is cool in others though is that I think God does bring people into each others path and catches our attention. The people some meet have such unique factors that fit so well together, it seems more than an average joe you decide to give a shot. To me it seems as if God took great joy in two people meeting who would really enjoy each other. I’ve also had friends say God gave me what really fit best with me, not what I thought I wanted.
Ive seen this with friendships too – a gal who ended up being the friend you really needed in a certain season of life. I think there are several people you could marry. As a single person – no soul mate can be discouraging. It can make you think you should have just chosen someone – its your fault you are alone. I also think it aids some girls in settling – there is no soul mate, I’ll never find someone else. When in reality sometimes you have to be wise, know yourself and say no. Being single is a good challenge, a lot can grow in you in that time. Ive prayed for many men in these years – which is valuable even if they never became my husband.
So it seems to be a dance between the two of no soul mate but God still being a part of the story. I like to pray – God you know my heart. Is there a guy in the area who knows you and has a heart like yours that I could meet? would you help him see me the way you see me? This is coming from the hopeful single girl though! Be kind to those little girls when “popping that bubble” I don’t think the dreaming and praying was all bad, it’s normal for people to hope for the future.
Ur awesome 🙂
Reblogged this on Intimus Redefined.
I think the main points you make – that a good marriage is not based off of “finding the one” but rather choosing to love them moment by moment no matter what – are amazing a great lesson to be learned by all. However you cannot prove the peripheral from Scripture either – that God does not have someone picked out for you. I know there’s a lot of hubbub about God’s Sovereignty and it really is a discussion of the transcendent. I believe that for those whom God has called to be married, he has that person in mind, however it is not ours to “find who He has for us” but apply the principles you’ve discussed towards the relationships we are in during our life journey. Because it is not written “you must marry Kristin.” But the things you’ve discussed are Biblical, while the peripheral in which you cloak the points are just as uninspired. Some transcendent truths can bring about conclusions systematically, however systematics are often cloudy and multiple conclusions are seemingly legitimate.
Thank you for your heart. This is a ‘sigh’ of relief. I’m single and a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I, now, really do love the life God has given to me and see so much of His blessing in it. My heart still does desire for marriage and a family but have realized more and more, as you do, that it is about choices. There is definitely a seeking of help from our Dad those who walk closely with you as you may be choosing to enter in to marriage with someone. But you are right that it isn’t somehow a “You complete me!” or “Soul-mate” moment in your life. God is mysteriously sovereign over our choices and I’m learning that it is to bring himself glory and us holiness. (I don’t always remember that nor like it at times…but I’m figuring out it is actually true, trustworthy and amazing). Your understanding of this subject is refreshing and helpful. Thank you for sharing!
Yes!! I am a single-early-twenties Christian woman, and am soooo sick of hearing my peers telling me that they are just going to wait around for God to drop their silver-lined husband on their doorstep. I do believe that God will bless me with a husband one day, but for now I’m going out there, enjoying an abundant life and I’m pretty sure that’s the best way to find someone to share my crazy life with. I also wish 14 year old me had this revelation, but maybe it is just a maturity thing, as we learn more about God’s heart and how He blesses us. Thanks for the refreshing post!
Reblogged this on Olubabamascot's Blog and commented:
Hannah’s “My Husband Is Not My Soul-mate” agrees with my ideology of marriage.
I agree 100%!! Who even came up with the idea of writing letters to your “future husband”? For me personally, the more I wrote letters, the more I talked marriage, and men! God started becoming not enough. It became a distraction and I’m happy I made the decision to just stop with the letters to my “soul mate” It helped me refocus my relationship with God!
So blessed by this! I have been learning this lesson in my dating relationship right now and am so encouraged! Thank you!
I think this is really sweet. And all the Godly stuff swooshes right by my heathenly atheist self, so it’s transcending a faith clique as well… 🙂
Hi Hanna, I loved reading your essay… so much so that this is the very first time I’ve ever responded to a blog post. I am not a religious person at all, but I’ve grown up with a lot of people who subscribe to the concepts of divine fate. I never have. And I’ve never fantasized about meeting that one person who will make me complete. I’m not religious, but I do believe that who I am is on a journey of learning and growth, and I know that if I choose a spouse, it will be because they too believe that they are on a similar journey. We will choose together to invest daily on our lives together, not because of fate but because of choice.
I find it incredibly refreshing that you have this sentiment and I’m confident that you’ve made the right choice, because it is less of a choice about who you will be with, but rather a choice of who you will be. I haven’t made that choice yet but when I do it will be completely.
Reblogged this on The Operatic Armywife and commented:
This is what I have been telling my Christian friends for years…I’m so glad there are people who get it! Stop over-spiritualizing things and just “do life” together. Trust God and make the decision to love your spouse each day. It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy.
Thank you so much for popping this bubble! I plan on showing this post to all three of my children, two of which are teenagers. God DOES have a plan for your life, but you get to choose some of the details, and your spouse is one of these!
Thank you for the beautiful realness of this post.
Oh my goodness- your writing brought me right back to that awesome youth group phase! I never comment on things normally, but your hilarious and awesome post totally made my day! Here’s to “kissing goodbye” all those ridiculous rules that came with the good stuff- I have let them go too, and although I’m still single, it makes the whole thing much less stressful to give yourself that freedom and autonomy! Well done, great job reminding us that our ideals and values should reflect reality, not the Christian youth constructs that can set a person up for disappointment and create the need for a reality check!
This has blessed me more than I can say. I met a man about 4 months ago and because I simply wrote out “smile” on my phone when he was looking mean, has given me a reason to smile everyday since then. He is wonderful and far from perfect. My fantasy about the” perfect man” is demolished, demolished, obliterated. You have written out my whole thought process and I’m glad I’m not alone in it. I’m not sure how the future will play out with but I do know that the weight of false expectations has been lifted.
This is PERFECT. My mom told me when I was younger that “love is not a feeling; love is a choice that you make every day.” My husband and I are committed to God, to each other, and to our family. I believe that his presence in my life is proof of God’s faithfulness, even when I lack it myself, but our relationship is not based on whim. Thank you for being so thoughtful and sharing your thoughts with the world.
This is awesome, and yes I have my prayer journals with heart wrenching prayers to and for my future husband. I just knew that across those starry skies he was praying the same for me – LOL – I married a great guy and he is someone that would not have made my list, he doesn’t even look like the descriptions I had carefully thought out in my journals, yet he is all I want and need. Great Great blog!
Hey, this is what I think (now that I am a somewhat mature adult and am a LITTLE more theologically sound!), but you wrote is so beautifully! Thank you.
Yes. This.
I sort of disagree with this article, to an extent. I do think God can put people in our lives. However, we still have free will to accept or reject. There are many “coincidences” in how I met my husband, but yes, we still have to choose to love each other each day, it’s not some uncontrollable thing left up to God alone.
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Reblogged this on Shawnda's Spirit Harvest and commented:
My response to this blog is pretty much a post, so I am reblogging it with my response. I welcome your thoughts and comments as well.
Shawnda’s response to “My Husband is Not My Soul Mate”
July 24, 2013 at 6:12 am
Thanks for sharing your heart in this post. I am single and in my late 30′s. I have wanted to be married for the last ten years. I dated throughout my 20′s and I have always seen a husband in my future. I too had the lists of characteristics I wanted in my spouse. I will also say that I’ve been celibate since the age of 18 – a one night stand was the last time my spirit allowed me to rebel sexually. I share all this because I believe that God has had a very real and direct guidance and correction in my life. He was present and active in every choice I have made. His guidance and influence are especially visible when I look back on my life. There are many things that I wanted and many things that I chose throughout my 20′s that were not part of God’s plan for my life. How do I know that? Because none of it worked out in my life. Many things fell mid-flight. The men, once so eager to talk to me or impress me simply disappeared. All this BEFORE I committed myself to God and His instructions for life. My committed walk with God began about 8yrs ago. In my covenant relationship with my Father God, I have learned to ask HIm to use me according to His will, to conform me according to His character and nature and to change my heart to desire the things He desires to give me in life.
In all these years, only one man has able to reach my heart and sear my soul. One man. Even when I had the illusion of choosing from many others, far more practical choices; even when I thought I didn’t want this man because of His seemingly loose way of walking out his faith, my thoughts and my focus return to him. I am convinced that he is my husband and I am convinced that God has been working on us both for many years to prepare us for the full glory, honor and work that is a covenant marriage with Jesus in the center, guided and enriched by God’s Holy Spirit. We have both made many choices over the years that have seemingly put a huge gulf between us, but God with His mercy and planning always show us how connected we are in the smallest of instances and the slightest of events.
I share this because I think you’re giving yourself far too much credit. Yes, we have free will. But I truly believe that God’s biggest pleasure with each of us comes when we CHOOSE to yield/surrender/give our full lives back to Him. When we allow Him control of our lives, He is better able to mold us more fully into His image. I am because HE IS. Apart from God, my choices are nothing and they amount to very little in life. But with God, my choices are everything and life is a true wonder of daily miracles. The daily choice I take responsibility for is surrendering to God everything that is me, so that He will fill me with more of Himself. As you may already know, there are many days when surrender is not a thought in my mind or is stubbornly resisted – those days, I don’t want to be merciful, loving, or generous. However, after a while of wallowing in my own darkness, I return yet again broken and surrendered to His light and His will for me to love others as He loves me.
Thus the point of my post, if your primary focus is only to commit to loving your husband every day, what happens on the days when you are without the strength to do so? Is it only on those days that you seek God and ask for His strength to love your man as He originally intended?
It’s unfortunate that your parents busted your bubble/belief about God’s deep concern and attention to every detail of your life. His word does say that He takes and active interest in our lives. And our marriages are a reflection of our relationship with Him. You are not as in control as you think you are, but you can remain blind to all that our Father is blessing you with and growing you for.
Psalm 139:1-6
Lord, you have examined me
and know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts before I think them.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
4 Lord, even before I say a word,
you already know it.
5 You are all around me—in front and in back—
and have put your hand on me.
6 Your knowledge is amazing to me;
it is more than I can understand.
Be blessed, sister. May you and your husband and your marriage be conduits of God’s grace, mercy and love always.
I totally agree with you Shawnda – –
Here’s my probably unneeded two cents 🙂
Interesting . . . and yet, the few courtships evidenced in the Bible were clearly by the hand of the Lord . . . and yes, during times past, most marriages were arranged . . . but consider that if we remain close to the Lord and we technically choose a spouse, could it be that God led and arranged for us all along? I personally don’t see them as mutually exclusive. To lean toward the “I choose” side and that “I could have chosen one from many compatible ones” is incredibly “me” focused. And just so we are clear, I don’t think God wants us to have “compatible” spouses, but perhaps those that would best be used by Him to sanctify us. I am pretty sure that when I “chose” my spouse, God was not surprised and that He even led to me to that place and gave me eyes to see him. There will undoubtedly be days where “your choice” to love your spouse will not be enough . . . this is when God’s sovereignty and plan for your life steps in and reminds you that the man that you are married to . . . he is the one that God chose for you.
I like your point about the “I choose” side being “me” focused. A marriage is more than just a place for love and romance and personal fulfillment, though those things are extremely important in marriage. Marriages often produce and raise children, and therefore can be referred to as God’s ideal context for creating and shaping the believers of tomorrow. I would also like to add that I think it’s really dangerous to make any important decision without prayer and trying to be sensitive to the guiding of the Holy Spirit as well as the principles of scripture. When people fall into romantic feelings for each other, they often become blind to warning signs and problems in the relationships. Plus, sometimes in dating, people tend to act out the characteristics that they think you want to see in them. It sounds like the blogger in this article ended up with safe choice for marriage, but there are many who come to the conclusion that they need God to help them pick only after a string of failed, sometimes even abusive relationships. I think that , considering the dangers of getting into a relationship, even with someone who claims to be Christian, it is important to be close to God and to be open to his input. I also like your point about the fact that when you are a Christian walking closely with God, your choices and God’s choices are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I think that, though some people do not know what it good for them, for the most part, God would not put two people together who would not be drawn to each other in character, personality, and, though least important, appearance.
I don’t know if you’ve ever read the book, “When Dreams Come True, When God Writes you’re love story,” by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It’s a nonfiction book about how the couple met, became friends, and eventually began courting and got married. In the book, Leslie became friends with Eric and started falling in love with him long before she ever knew that she would end up being God’s choice for his wife. The Bible says “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:3-5)” Oftentimes, this means that he will have to replace wrong desires with ones that line up with His will, before doing this. In any case, sometimes, depending on our relationship with God and how closely we conform our minds to His word and allow ourselves to be changed by His spirit, what we find ourselves wanting and what God wants for us are the same.
Hi, Mindful, I agree with your breakdown of “choice”. I think we go wrong when we attempt to understand God’s Word with our logic. Only by applying His Word to our situations and adhering to His Spirit (guidance) can we begin to understand His deep mysteries and His intentions for us step by step, day by day. Be blessed! This has been a very interesting conversation (all the comments and such). When I chose Jesus as the Lord of my life, I completely assumed He was taking over management of every detail. And He has. 😉
Smart essay. I am divorced twice before finding the LORD and I am not looking again, by His grace. Paul said it’s best to stay where you are when you find Him, and I’m staying put, unless, of course, the LORD has other plans, but being happy in the LORD is enough for me!
“A ridiculous amount of churchy activities”? You mean wasting our lives doing meaningless garbage. I wasted my youth sitting in churches listening to soul deadening sermons.
I am really sorry. (I know I said I wasn’t commenting anymore, but I am still reading through and I just wanted to reply to you.) Everyone’s church experience is different, and unfortunately some of them are bad. I loved everything about my church and I loved all the service opportunities I had as well as the fun social stuff our’s did. There is also nothing I hate more than boring sermons, which is why I am glad that we had pastors who realized that the Bible is super interesting and relevant and treated it as such.
Again, I want to apologize on behalf of the church that your experience was bad.
wow girl – you poked a stick in the bees nest didn’t you! lol
I love this piece and THANK YOU for having the courage to write it.
I married a man who was so wrong for me and I endured ten years of an abusive marriage because of the kind of fundamentalist gobbledegook you talk about.
Know this – I love Jesus with all my heart – but it has taken years of throwing out gallons of the kind of dirty bathwater I was taught in my youth by evangelical pastors and youth leaders for me to finally find the “the baby” so to speak. To understand that God is not a supernatural puppet master and that I have consecrated common sense to make my own decisions with.
preach it sister !!!!
Hi,
I enjoyed your post but I disagree with several ideas that were put forth.
1. God does not choose your spouse (I don’t think this was explicitly said but it was implicit…if I am wrong…please forgive me)
“O Lord, God of my master, Abraham,” he prayed. “Please give me success today, and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham. See, I am standing here beside this spring, and the young women of the town are coming out to draw water. This is my request. I will ask one of them, ‘Please give me a drink from your jug.’ If she says, ‘Yes, have a drink, and I will water your camels, too!’—let her be the one you have selected as Isaac’s wife. This is how I will know that you have shown unfailing love to my master.” Gen. 24:12-14
We can see in this instance that God did indeed choose the spouse and so the door must be left open for the possibility that God does at times choose a spouse for some. You might then say that was only meant for Isaac. This leads to my second disagreement.
2. You stated (or your father stated) that Jeremiah 29:11 didn’t apply to your situation. I agree in that Jeremiah 29:11 doesn’t say “You will have a husband” but I disagree with the notion that since it was written to the Israelites for a specific time then it doesn’t apply to us. If that were the case then none of scripture would apply to us since they were originally written with a specific audience in mind. Paul wrote to the Colossians, Jesus spoke to the immediate circle people around Him, the ten commandment were for only the Israelites, etc. I do believe that what a passage means should be determined by its context. Within context Jeremiah 29:11 most definitely applies to Christians but just not in the ways that they think (i.e. suffering/poverty can sometimes turn out for our good).
I am a pastor, and in no way does that make me an expert on things of the Bible, but I have had the chance to witness the hand of God bring some people together (not all…just some). I’ve seen prophecies given and then fulfilled down to the letter. So (most importantly) scripturally and then experientially, I disagree with some of your statements.
I will add a caveat. I have also seen people say they saw a sign from God where they really did not. Or they say “I feel it in my heart that God…” when really it was just their emotion and not God. I believe that there are things one must do to determine if what they heard was God or their own desires. 1. Does it line up with scripture? 2. Does the community of believers around you agree that it is indeed a sign? 3. Can it be confirmed?
Also, please be careful when stating what God does and does not do…especially in a public forum. At the very least, back it up with scripture. I enjoyed reading your post. Please forgive me if I mis-read/misunderstood anything you wrote, it was not intentional. Thank you for sparking this conversation within the body of Christ. You have a gift for writing, I hope you keep it up.
Your brother in Christ,
Sam
Hahaha! I wrote one of those lists! I think it was about 60 or 70 items long. It included things like “She has to like soccer,” and “She has to like riding bikes,” and probably included, “She should be 5 foot 4,” “Blue eyes,” and “Brown hair;” I might have even included “She should play the piano” and “She should know NT Greek, and Hebrew would be nice, too!” It all seems so legalistic, now. If God didn’t script our lives completely enough for us already, then we had to fill in the gaps. But I rejected all that mindset long before I found Laura. I long ago gave up trying to “figure out” whom I was supposed to marry, and set about to “find” her instead (“Whoever finds a wife….”). Biblical teaching includes a strong component of choice. And in that freedom, I’m amazed beyond belief at what God has done–the woman he’s brought into my life, and all the little ways he’s made his hand evident.
As a guy, I think the main reason the old teaching broke down was its inability to answer the hard questions without resorting to the same sort of ambiguity it was intended to relieve. Any decision not made in the perfect will of God could have thwarted his whole plan! What if I went to the wrong Bible college, or went a year too late, or didn’t go at all? Or, what if I kept true and went exactly where God wanted me, but she had messed her life up so we couldn’t get married? What if I married the wrong girl? If God’s will were so perfect, but marrying the wrong person were a real possibility, then did I just get second best or just make do with whatever I got stuck with? What if I met and found out who the perfect girl was AFTER I married someone else? People who believe it probably think these questions are silly, but it did enough to show me that the whole approach was faulty. To hold it together in light of my questions required the development of a structure wholly untenable in Scripture! However ideal it sounded and whatever the intended benefits, its utter lack of Scriptural support and its inability to handle difficult questions drove me to reject it.
Thanks so much for your post, and your willingness to take the heat for it. Some people aren’t willing to hear it, but for those of us who came out of the same mindset, we are thankful!
Very interesting article! I particularly enjoyed your very romantic pictures! Please check out PoppyAlfordMusic.wordpress.com.
Very true! I watched a DVD set on preparing your children for courtship and marriage from toddlers to teens. In that set the guy made the comment that God >only< requires that my spouse loves The Lord. The rest is up to me. He also made it clear that God doesn't have just one specific person you're supposed to marry. I like your extension on that when you said were saying that after you're married, your spouse is the one.
What you shared in your post is the conclusion I've come to. What I've picked up in that DVD set was only a seed.
Thank you for sharing!
Reblogged this on and commented:
Great thoughts to go with my “The Marriage Lie” post.
Best advice by a friend was to “be the person you would want to date and let the rest take care of itself!” Love this and love your thoughts above. We need to stop trying to look for this ideal person while neglecting the person we are supposed to be…Christ-like! Though we don’t look for an “ideal” or “soul-mate”, NEVER settle for an “ok” match! 🙂
I realize that you will no longer be responding. But I LOVED this, Hannah. It is beautiful. What an inspiration. Have you ever read “Just Do Something”? It is a fantastic book and touches on some of the amazing points you made in your blog. Keep writing!
As a Charismatic, after the girl of my dreams broke up with me, I was shattered to my core. I believed that there was going to be “one girl” for me, and I thought it had been her. So when God started telling me that He plays wedding planner less than he plays dice, I got mad. Just about everything I had been told as a teenager was being turned on it’s head, and I was angry. Now, 4 years later, I am pretty sure God’s plans have been for me to be happy and choose wisely, and I’ve come to a place where I am comfortable being single. I’ve actually often thought of not marrying at all, because then my time can be spent pursuing the Lord even deeper. It’s exciting to do this and say these sorts of things when all my Christian friends are in relationships and getting married and stuff. Anyway, just food for thought! (I will admit that what first made me want to comment is when you said “that’s why boys don’t get caught up in this…” which made me say “Oh really?” but that was just for a moment. Thanks for sharing, I really was encouraged by reading this.)
As everyone has mentioned….we realize that you are not (or may/may not) respond to anymore comments, but I have to ask this question based off of your post (I’d rather Hannah respond, but anyone else can chime in)…
Is the main idea behind this post saying that Jesus has no power behind the person you will marry? Like, you don’t think he has anything to do with putting you in the path to meet that perfect person for you? Or, was it that you don’t think that any more preparation could have assisted to you meeting the “person of your dreams”? I just wanted clarification of your thoughts because I’m a bit confused…..
But please don’t get me wrong, I ENJOYED EVERY SECOND of this post! Beautifully & well said.
I absolutely love your post, all of it! This is one of my favorite parts: “It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love” God bless you for sharing this, I agree with you.
Have you read “Beyond Ordinary”?
It is a book I have just finished reading and I strongly recommend it.
PD. Lovely photos 🙂
Reblogged this on Chai Dates with Grace and commented:
This is absolutely fantastic. So true, and so encouraging!
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I have to say, I DID make a list of requirements for my future-husband—a realistic one, which is probably key (strictly non-negotiable basic attributes, no “must have brown eyes” business)—just to help me keep things in perspective. It came in handy when we decided to start courting—he met everything on that list and more. We’re now about to celebrate 4 years of marriage together. Wouldn’t diss a little deliberation! 🙂
My understanding is that the term “soul-mate” comes from eastern religions, not Judaism or Christianity, and is based on the belief in the preexistence of our human spirit before our bodies are conceived by our parents. It reduces to a form of reincarnation, which is also unscriptural.
Aye, which is exactly why Sleepless in Seattle hit the trash bin after the Lord saved me. I had bought into that whole concept and was completely enamored by it – and sorely disappointed, jaded, and increasingly bitter – up until that point. Tossing it into the bin was not just throwing away a move, but throwing away an entire illusory system of thought in favor of a Truth that is far, far better.
As someone married to the same man for over 33 years, I can only say this: You are absolutely right! Good job!
A friend shared this on Facebook and I LOVE what you had to say! As a newlywed (6 months in!) I couldn’t agree more. Rejoicing along with you at your first anniversary! 🙂 May the Lord richly bless your marriage. Thanks for keeping it real and keeping our eyes on Christ.
Thank you, I love this article. I have been married for 32 years to my husband who is not my soul mate, but a man who I can work through life with and hopefully be a blessing to others.
Grateful for these words whose pebbles & boulders of wisdom can be found in the creeks running through my heart.
Love his letter, “I hope you’re hott” I seriously couldn’t stop laughing!
this is great – good job – have always said the line of ‘your person becomes the one when you marry them’ or maybe more importantly to keep in focus you become your person’s ‘the one’ – great great read – love it! if only churches were more honest and less romantic, huh?
if you get some time, check out the relationships link on my blog – got some great stuff for singles, datings and marrieds [mostly from stories of a plethora of people who have walked or are walking those ways before] – http://brettfish.wordpress.com/relationshippy-things
And all the best for year two [just celebrated year 4]
love brett fish
Wouldn’t you say that James is your soul mate now that you two are married? And also, wouldn’t you say now that God, in all His sovereignty, knew that you would meet and marry James? If your marriage is honoring to Him, I would definitely say in all confidence that God prepared both you and James specifically for each other, and that He knew what your marriage would be like before the two of you were born. Now, it is very wise of you to advise others the way you do in this article, because we cannot know beforehand the details of God’s plan for the future. His thoughts are not our thoughts. But once it happens, give all glory and honor to Him who made it happen!
I love this post. I’m not a Christian (I’m a deist) but the importance of recognizing the personal choice(s) involved in selecting a spouse are universal in our culture, and I agree that there is no one person for any of us. We make a decision, and commit to that decision, and work at keeping that decision the best for us and our spouse. Never mind the danger of thinking God has chosen one person even if that person isn’t treating us right. Little makes me more sad than someone accepting an unhealthy relationship because they are convinced that God has put them in that situation.
This is some amazingly profound truth, from someone so young. I’ve been married 23 years, and I will tell you that the infatuation you feel in the honeymoon period will fade. You cannot depend on that heart-fluttering rush of feelings to last–our feelings are so fickle, as evidenced by anyone who has ever experienced or witnessed PMS. What CAN last is your commitment to love (verb) your husband, cherish and honor him, and keep only unto him. That commitment (by both of you) is what gets you through the tough times. May God bless you and your husband, and I pray that you will continue to share your insights with the world.
“I hope you’re hott.”
LOL– very smooth. 😀
Hmmmm…. While I enjoy the poking of fun at 90’s youth group culture, I’m not sure this strong of a side matures the conversation. We tell young children that when two grown ups love each other, they have a baby. We tell middle schoolers who are first getting their hormones about purity and having high expectations. Each of those scenarios isn’t the full-story, it’s age-appropriate. In high school, the focus should be on relationships and owning your faith before having one. Etc. etc. etc. I’m not sure we need to be like, STOP EVERYTHING!
I’ve thought about this A LOT, through meeting my own soulmate and going through it with others (my husband’s dad’s divorce and incredible remarriage, one of my bridesmaids’ husband cheating on her with a guy, etc.) and I believe two things firmly:
1.) Marriage is friendship and love and humility and pleasure and commitment all culminating into two people entering into God’s will as one. Even if you believe God doesn’t have “one” soulmate for each person, He still cares a great deal about our most intimate relationship (and our other relationships).
2.) The story of Ruth obviously points to a second or later husband as part of God’s will for some people. I think it is possible for God to have “a” soulmate for us, but that doesn’t mean a.) we do it, b.) we find it, c.) it’s the timing we want, such as early in our lives or our childbearing years; d.) it works out, thanks to the fallen world for temptation, despair, and death; or e.) it lasts forever.
God’s will does not begin and end with marriage and this is something most churches fail at living out. God’s will is just as important for couples and singles and teens and the elderly. We are supposed to thank God for every gift. Friendship, family, and Christian community are the best gifts I’ve been given. I don’t know how He does it, but He brings the right people into our lives at the right times. We are born into our families, but the blessing of community is when people are “adopted” into our hearts, brought by God. I must stress that all the people that God brings into our lives are just as important as a spouse, and those relationships also serve to comfort, honor God, and bless.
There’s no arguing with: “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6, ESV). God has will for us, especially in relationships. It is especially important to temper the idea that marriage is the only honoring relationship to God or the only one that God brings together.
I always go back to this C.S. Lewis quote:
“Friendship is unnecessary like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give great value to survival.”
There’s a comment below that discourages “the idea of Jerry Maguire’s ‘you complete me'” as “a crazy idea based on being incomplete.” The Bible stresses that two are always better than one, but we do not walk around in incomplete communion with God until we get married. Hubs and I believe that friendship is the basis of marriage (yes, and God, of course). In the same way He fills our lives with the love of friends and it’s good and it makes Him happy, so too does He will that for marriages. We know God watches over grass and clouds and birds and sand, so too dos He watch over us as social beings with emotional needs. Let’s stop the debate about “one” soulmate and just thank God for the friends of the soul He brings to us who serve to be His hands and His feet. Marriage is that friendship, plus a lot of hard work and deliberately honoring God in a 24/7 relationship.
I know I am broadening the conversation a bit, but does this make sense? The same concepts can also be explored when considering vocation and other aspects of God’s will. There’s a tension between being “chosen” and “choosing.” I love to talk about these ideas, especially my husband’s dad’s story, so let me know if you want to chat more.
The best advice my father ever gave me was to tell me that love is a choice you make towards a person every day. Love takes work when you’re human. I feel kind of sorry for those people out there who feel like they can’t control their ability to love someone. I don’t necessarily feel that love is an emotion as much as it is an action. Love is an action verb and should be used as such. However, the mentality mentioned above plagues my generation who spent all our time being told how dating was bad and whenever some guy we liked rejected us that “he just wasn’t the one”. It even plagued the guys. I just wish we could all move past this “prince charming” like notion and move on to what love really is: a commitment to treat someone with all the dignity and respect they deserve because they are human and in the case of marriage throw in some sexual attraction and related pursuits.
Way to go, Hannah! This post hit home for me (as for many others, it seems), and I will definitely be sharing it with my students this fall. Thank you for articulating this truth so well! And happy anniversary!! Carl and I will be celebrating our first year this Monday.
As a young mom going through a nasty divorce because my ex won’t let it be peaceful, this gives me hope. I fought for my marriage for a long time because I was afraid that he was ‘the one’, even after years of abuse. It does my heart good to be reminded that there may be another ‘one’. And even if there isn’t, I was a whole person long before I met him and my job now is to raise my baby girl as best I can to know and love her God. Thank you for this – I needed it. 🙂
(1) theologically sound
(2) less pressure on us husbands to be your soul-mates!
WIN-WIN!
Here’s the truth , and take it from a woman who will have been married 26 years soon (had to use the calculator to find that one out), you will almost NEVER marry your soul mate. Hannah is so right, and I wish I’d been as wise at her age as she is. Here’s the truth, ladies and gentlemen: we BECOME each other’s soul mates through the spiritual discipline that is marriage. I’s not for nothing that Christian theology–Catholic, Protestant, Eastern Orthodox et al. considers marriage a Sacrament in all it’s meaning: sacred, sacrificial. The goodies ( and the bad stuff) of marriage can sometimes blind us to this. Marriage is a thing we DO, actively DO, and if we don’t, we aren’t doing it right.
I smiled ear to ear reading your posts, remembering my own youth leader, and all the girls (myself included) fluttering around him, falling asleep in dreamy reveries, clutching our sleeping bag pillows as we dreamed of what life with him would be like. He’s such a universal character that I wonder if he isn’t a biological construct. Are ALL 14-year-olds attracted to what ammounts to a troubador?
God understands
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I have said a few times that after I divorced and study God and relationships more. I do not believe in soul mates. So if my wife dies then I lost out on my soul mate. IF two people made a mistake and get divorced, God said that I missed my chance. I have never lived in Canada so I lost out on my soul mate. I think not. I think God made us 1000 soul mates and if we are lucky we get to share ourselves with them one or two times. So if your you significant other left you, died or you haven’t met them its okay. I promise!
I loved this! Especially “I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.”
I’ve been married 18 1/2 years and its EXACTLY what I needed to be reminded – thank you!!!!!
I don’t think we should be so harsh on ourselves with regard to finding a soul mate – Look even God Almighty did a pretty crappy job in arranging the first marriage (Adam and Eve) – can anyone else say they brought two people together and the result was the Downfall of Humanity?
I don’t fully agree on a lot about what you said, but it was certainly thought-provoking and you articulated it fairly well. This will certainly cause some discussions!
“You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person.” There are some great truths in there that single girls who are dating *ahem, me* need to hear. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you very much for your post. I appreciate it. And I think it was exactly what I needed to hear. Here’s to being encouraged to conscientiously love my husband every day. 🙂
Such a thought provoking article. I did believe God has prepared the best partner for each one of us…. http://standingonmountains.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/praying-for-a-partner/
But my 15 years of marriage is causing me to think twice 😉
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Hi Hannah,
You raise some interesting points.
I find it very telling that seemingly the majority of responders are ladies. Perhaps this speaks to the fact that you ladies openly think and speak about these topics more than we men do.
My first thought when reading your post was, “what a great example of cognitive dissonance.” In other words an example of how we may hold a belief but when our experience turns out to be different than, and contradictory of, our belief we change the belief to match our experience.
That was just the thought that crossed my mind and may or may not be relevant.
I found your perspective to be thought provoking. I personally have a very different experience and a different belief and I’ll share some of both here for the sake of the discussion, but please do not take either as targeting you with malicious intent or attempting to discredit you.
My wife and I both read many of the books you refer to and we both believed then, and do believe now that God intended for us to be together. We came to that conclusion after many indications of His leading in our friendship, then courtship (to use an old fashioned term which I happen to like), and engagement.
We both come from homes where the result of making decisions out side of God’s will had lasting consequences, and our greatest goal in seeking a life partner was that we would not act out of our own wisdom in choosing a partner but that we would listen to God’s leading. We are in our late 20s now and after 5 years of marriage we are more sure today that we are soul mates than we were on our wedding day.
With all of that said I’d rather not dwell on our experience so much as pose some thoughts based out of scripture.
In way of disclaimer I do not intend to imply there is anything wrong with remaining single.
If God did not intend for one man and one woman to be a perfect fit for each other why did he create just one man and one woman on the last day of creation? Why not create a number of folk and let them just pick whoever they pleased?
In Isaiah 30:21 God states “and thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, this is the way, walk ye in it, when you turn to the right hand or to the left.” If that is true how come He doesn’t give us guidance in selection of a life partner? It would seem He wants to guide in every aspect of our lives.
I have some additial thoughts which I’ll share but my bride is asking why I’m keeping her up with my typing on my iPad at this hour of the night, so for now this is it.
Thanks again for sharing!
David… AMEN! Exactly what I thought when reading this blog post!
hello hannah…my 1st girlfriend (i was 15, she was 14..i messed that relationship up real bad–could not show my feelings. y’know, could not hold hands, hug, or even occasionally kiss) was the experience that showed me exactly the kind of person i wanted to date & marry…IF i were to marry. knowing her gave me patience to WAIT. and i waited…til i was 28. by that time, i had sworn off dating. told the lord (in frustration) “you are going to have to walk her right up to me!” we dated about 9 yrs & have been married about 18 yrs.
Great post, but I’m a Calvinist. Thanks for sharing your heart.
This is beautiful – and very wise. From someone who has been married for almost 25 years…..
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Well said Hannah! I think we’ve been fed these things, and they have caused a lot of young ladies to idolize marriage.
Thank you so much for writing this. I, too, had believed for so long that God had that perfect someone stored away for me. It made high school easier to bear. I think that if someone had told me this then, I may have been hurt, but the way you explained it would have made it all ok. This article has not only helped heal some wounds from friends in regards to religion and “soul mates” but also made me appreciate and love my boyfriend even more. This realization that I love him based on choices, not by fate, even if I ever feel that fate may have allowed our paths to cross, is great. Your article was wonderful. Thank you, and I hope that you have a wonderful marriage and can always make it through any rough patches.
It’s so good to hear this view from someone. I grew up in church and your life sounds exactly how mine was. I’m still single and tired of hearing how I should “wait for God to bring me the one”. This was very encouraging.
What do I think? (Your weblog is asking.)
I think this is awesome.
I think you’re awesome.
You tell this so beautifully! And the core is almost exactly what I tell everyone we minister to, or even know, when the sunject comes up. There may be a very small group of people for whom God has chosen a specific person. Maybe. But for the vast majority, you nailed it.
While God clearly orchestrated a lot of things in our relationship, it was still up to us where to go with it. It happened fairly quickly (far quicker than I thought reasonable at the time). One morning during the first few weeks we were married, I woke up, looked at my wife, and thought, “What have I done? What if this wasn’t The One?” Trembling– at least on the inside– I asked God, “Was she The One?”
And a still, small voice, ripe with laughter while as serious as can be, answered. “She is now.”
Bam. Revelation. Peace. Joy.
35 1/2 years later, she still is. And will be as long as we both draw breath.
I would have to respectfully disagree. I really do fit the mold she described so much that it made me laugh. I even have a tear-stained leather journal to my future husband! The only thing I don’t fit is the list-making; God knows a lot better than I do what my husband is supposed to look like. But this argument really isn’t about your spouse, it’s about your view of God’s involvement in your life. Is He involved in your life more than casually? Does He actually HAVE a plan for your life and ministry? I believe He does, and there are few if any choices in life that will affect you as much as who you marry. If you are careful and prayerful when finding that person, God will lead you to them, or maybe to no one at all. But He WILL lead you, just like He will lead you into the right career and place. And yes, if you make a choice in any area that is less than His best for you, He can still bring lots of good out of it. But I would rather be in the center of His will and have His best. I am grateful that God doesn’t just leave every major life decision up to me– He is wiser and more loving than that. If I am abiding in Christ, God will lead me in every decision.
“The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps,” Proverbs 16:9.
What if you never get a real chance to choose? I’m a woman finishing college. I do my dead-level best to be open and friendly to everyone. As for the male populace, I’ve turned down a grand total of three dates since I’ve been in college. One was an atheist, the other openly admitted to hitting his last girlfriend (and bragged about it), and the third asked me right after I had been led on by another guy. Marriage and family are things I definitely want in life, but what if I’m unchoosable? It seems the only ones who want to choose me are the type I’d rather not choose myself. (And no, it’s not because I’m living wrong or I behave in ways that invite ill company. I don’t know what it is. Not everyone can attract perfect people.) But what if I’m doomed to be a crazy cat lady (who doesn’t even like cats!)? And I’m so tired of hearing about the “gift of singleness” (which, to paraphrase Caedmon’s Call’s brilliant songwriting, is a gift nobody wants.) I work toward being content wherever I am, in whatever I do, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want a lifelong companion. However, I hold very little hope for that. I’ve been rejected so many times for so many reasons that I just don’t see how anyone would ever even give me the chance to choose to love them. I’ve had over twenty friends get married or engaged in the last year. I’ve lost hope, and this blog is pretty good confirmation of my sinking feeling that I’ll be alone forever.
Congratulations!! This is a wise way to reveal an important truth: Life is a constant choice
Interesting article, although I don’t believe in “The One” concept I do believe in G-d’s best in each and every area of my life and even when presented with His best, we still have the option to say “no.” I think it’s important to include G-d in our decision making to continue to build a relationship with Him. #mytwocents
I would agree with the majority of the conclusions, but profoundly disagree with the premises. I think the old-fashioned method of finding the person that God has willed for you to marry which you describe is a terrible thing. However, God’s plan for us “to be made more holy, more like Christ” has a planned means, and for many of us that will include going through life with another person – and if so, God will have planned who that person is. I also don’t believe that Jeremiah 29 should not be given a personal application or that we should avoid take encouragement from it because it was written to Israel at a particular time – otherwise all Biblical prophecy should be discarded. It’s context should be taken into account however. So I would say that it should not be treated as words directly to us, but should be considered as giving a description of how God has plans for his people in general (which obviously includes us).
So in terms of the conclusion you reach, yes there are many people who would make suitable companions for us. And so our approach should not be to try and discern if they are “the One” by seeking God’s will externally from the relationship; but to seek God’s will by pursuing relationships in a positive, Godly way, and then not being fearful of making “the wrong choice”. That includes committing appropriately, and as you describe, choosing to love when we have made commitments and not using the excuse of whether the relationship “feels right” or not.
I got married nearly seven years ago. There were many women who I could have chosen (although they perhaps might not have chosen me!). And yet my wife and I freely chose each other. Our continued love for each other requires choice. But I definitely think that God had planned for me to marry *her* and that he has been enacting his plan in both our lives through our marriage.
The 90/00s approach you described eliminates our choices in favour of God’s plan. I can’t help but feel that your view eliminates God’s plan in favour of our choices. I’m quite comfortable with both being applicable in a way that doesn’t make sense to my finite mind
I also thank God for the brain that he created so that we can wisely make choices to love the person..that makes sense..:)
and yet still I know and am greatful that God is so good to me and is leading me in these choices, simply because he knows me, loves me and wants the best for me..so I trust in his help just as I do in many other decisions that I make every day.
I love your post and I found it when my sister linked to it on Facebook. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years, and some days it’s more of a choice than others, but choosing to be with him, to love him, to go out of my way to show him that love and how I appreciate him, that brings us closer than the at first sight things that brought us together in the first place. Thank you.
This is what I try to tell SO many friends. My story is so similar to yours….so glad I got hit with this truth before marriage. Good job!
Finally. A young person who gets it. But, Pink Floyd lyrics?
~Mom of four men who has been happy with the one she chose as their father~
Love it! My husband and I have grown closer and more intimate BECAUSE we’ve had reality smack us square in the face and have had to embrace it. You grow wiser and live life in the present that way – albeit sometimes through a fire hose. I think when you stop holding on to what you assume is “supposed to be” you become much happier as a person – there is no “supposed to be” and entertaining the “if onlys” and “should haves” are the greatest threats to marriages everywhere.
I’m from France and I had the occasion to read this post. Thank you for writting what every grown-up woman thinks and wants to yell out. I found this post without looking for it, and misteriously just while I’m preparing my wedding. I feel the exact same way about my future husband than you with James. I see so many couples that break up because they realize this is not like in their dreams so they leave hoping for a “better” match. Finally, they end-up disappointed, realizing there’s no better match than the one you choose and you’ll never live real life like in the movies.
I wanted to add that I’m not christian and was not baptised by my parents. My future husband is and I’m getting baptized for my wedding. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I had the same experience than you all my childhood and that even if you don’t hear the “God is going to bring you the One” every-day sentence, people (helped by movies, series, books…) still find a way to make you believe “there is A ONE for you”…
Hannah,
While I don’t agree with everything in your post, at the ripe, old age of 56, I’m FINALLY learning to agree to disagree with others, and therefore, I can read this and appreciate the things within that I do agree with and find inspiring and thoughtful. Like they say at AA meetings, ‘take what you need and leave the rest.’
That being said, I want to say that I LOVE and enjoy your writing style, Hannah. I did not find you to be mocking here in any way, shape or form, as some have commented. This is YOUR blog and you are entitled to your opinions and the manner in which you share them. With any writing,I appreciate the writer’s humor mixed in with the seriousness of a subject…a recipe that, in my opinion, yields much better results for the reader. Your thoughts here gave me so much to meditate on…things I never thought about or realized with regards to marriage and soul mates and such, as I did not grow up in a Christian household. I have a 16 yr. old daughter and a 20 yr. old son with whom I want to share this post.
I came across this post and your blog through a fellow blogger and Facebook friend’s post, and I’m so glad I did, Hannah! If I may, for your benefit and that of your readers, I’d like to share a link here of what that blogger and friend, Sarah Wastella, was inspired to write about on HER blog because of your post. I hope it inspires and encourages you as much as it did me:
http://sheofferedthemchrist.com/2013/07/25/the-search-for-our-soulmate.aspx?results=1
I’m looking forward to making my way around your blog and reading and viewing your writings and photos. Take care, Hannah!
Sad. Where does the Holy Spirit enter here??? He leads us in our decisions. At least if we are listening. I respectfully disagree that God does not choose our spouse. If we LET Him, he will “direct our paths.”
This is quite a good read and congrats on one year! I have to say that The Holy Spirit with out any dought told me to marry my husband.
I tried to break up with him 3 times and God told me to be quiet. See he is from a diffrent country and church background. So this didnt make my list.
But I was so wrong the last 6 years Ive been with him are deffinatly the best. and belive me we have had rough times but we were meant to be together.
Just because the bible doesnt say you only have one match doesnt mean its neccsary untrue.
I just had to say that I love your dad and I hope that I’m half as cool a biblical theologian as he is. You don’t list your last name so I can’t even look up who he is! But if you want to message me his name I’d love that 🙂
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Wow… I didn’t know the notion and very practice was so widespread! Great post!
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As for soul mates… hear you loud and clear. A couple of years before I met my wife, I met a true “soul mate”, someone who shared all my rare and esoteric interests and thought as I did, in a way that no other woman ever did before or since. I was sure she was “The One” and was both emotionally shattered, and theologically confused, when she decided otherwise…. Especially since she made distinctly immoral choices in so doing, despite being a “Christian”….
My wife is not a soul mate, my wife is a SPIRIT MATE — we share the same commitment to Christian living, tithing, family life, homeschooling, etc. We don’t share all the same hobbies or interests and our personalities are different, so we’re not “soul mates.” But with shared spirituality, the differences at the soulish level aren’t so important.
I tell young men, only half jokingly, that if they ever meet a true soulmate, they should turn around and RUN AWAY as fast as they can. And if you think there’s just “One” you can be with, well, talk to a remarried widower about that.
Also hear you loud and clear on the “kissed dating goodbye” madness. I never fell for it, but since most of the women at my old church, bought into it completely — rendering themselves undateable — that book really hampered my marriage quest. Thank God for internet dating websites..
I agree whole-heartedly. Kudos to your dad for not setting you up for fatalistic christianity.
Grandmother’s advice: “Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry the one you can’t live without.” It sounds great to de-romanticize and simply decide to love someone — but that’s not the whole picture. I’m not in the ‘soul-mate’ camp — but if we take out all romantic chemistry, we might as well go back to arranged marriages. Some of the courtship marriages I’ve observed in my church are exactly that. Some of my generation got married because we thought there’d never be another chance — most of my friends in that camp are now divorced. I had the blessing of marrying someone who has loved me through thick and thin for forty years — he’d have been a loyal husband no matter who he married, but I think being bowled-over in love helps a marriage get through the tough times. But whether you marry for love-you-can’t-help or love-you-work-up, you’re married. Blessings to every one who is working through the decisions of life — God does and will guide you, though he may not send you an email with a name on it.
I just shared your fantastic words of wisdom with my 22 year old daughter who has made some unconventional, but absolutely amazing life decisions that often leave her feeling like she is behind where her friends are in life. She also spends a great deal of time agonizing over what choice God wants her to make.
Very good!
I wrote about this very same subject, but from a little different approach in my post “Soul Mate Sham.”
Please check it out and let me know what you think.
In His Grace,
Mike
Don’t neuter God’s sovereignty in an attempt to refute a pagan concept of “soul-mate.”
It was most certainly God’s plan and will that you marry James. You could not have married anyone else.
Might I encourage you to do a detailed study of mans free will through out the whole bible and then go back and do one on sovereignty of God. I think you will find both are clearly taught in scripture. Please don’t try to make imperative an statement about doctrine that men of God much smarter then we were unable to resolve. Just take God’s word for what it says not for what we are taught it says.
This just made me go back and read my “to my future husband” journals. I had three. This is hilarious and I agree with you on the fact that they are never to be read aloud to our husband/future husband. We have to retain some form of dignity.
Paul did marry, he was not a bachelor, he was a widower. We know that he had been a member of the Sanhedrin (Acts 26:10) and that all members were REQUIRED to be married
I enjoyed reading …hope and pray that your are blessed with a lifetime of love together.
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This is soooo on point! I love it. I grew up in the same “kissed dating goodbye” movement as yourself, wrap it up with a home school group setting, and you’ve got a whole new level of girls wasting their lives crying over the one not having showed up yet. It is so sad because there is so much more to life than crying to God because he hasn’t brought you along a breathing version of your “husband list”. It is just a huge distraction from what you could be doing and the passions God has put in your heart that you could pursue and puts a whole, unnecessary level of fear into any and all relationships with men. What if I am wasting my time and emotions on a man who isn’t my soul mate? What if that nagging fear of commitment in the back of my brain is actually God’s voice telling me to break up? When it really should be as simple as–find a man of God you can be best friends with for life and work at it every single day. There is your soul mate. But spending so much energy and emotion worrying about guys (because that is really what it boils down to. I went to a Baptist University and lived in the girls dorm, I know) is just a huge “God-sanctioned” way to be way too focused on the wrong things in life.
And by the way…you are an INCREDIBLE writer!
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My daughter sent this to me – I wish I had had my head together like you do when I was younger. I am so glad my daughter found this. Signing up for your blog and looking forward to reading more.
So if not a soul-mate, what made Eve different from the animals so that Adam was no longer alone?
Well said. Thank you.
Holy moly there are a lot of comments, all I wanted to say is that I agree wholeheartedly. Love is a choice.
I have to politely disagree with only SOME of the points in this post. Eve was taken from Adam — a part of him if you will. Each of them were complete in God’s eyes alone, yet together formed something wonderful. It is isn’t to say that one could not live fully without the other, but simply that they were so much more together.
I do believe that — at least for some — God has a great plan and a spouse in mind. We are created with a choice, so it doesn’t mean we necessarily HAVE to choose what God would recommend for us. But I do believe that strategic relationships are formed in our lives without coincidence. As for me, I met my husband at age 11, married him at age 18, and have been blissfully married for 9 years now. God knew exactly who I needed and who my husband needed. We submitted ourselves to God’s will because, quite frankly, there was no way at that age that we could have known exactly how perfect for each other we were. Where I am weak, he is strong — and vice versa.
I agree that we should not teach our girls that Christian Prince Charming will swoop in to save the day. But I DO believe that God will order the steps of the righteous. And yes, He will fulfill the desires of your heart when it makes sense for your life. I think it is important not to over-think this process — and certainly not to live life in humble ‘waiting.’ But it is also important to let the Holy Spirit be our guide.
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I don’t really go for the soul mate thing, and I didn’t needy wife to “complete” me, but I find it hard to believe God takes disinterest in who we will marry. He knows the number of hairs on our heads, how many breaths we shall take, so why would it not be important to him whom we will marry. I waited till I was 42 to marry and I am convinced that God brought this Godly woman across my path at a point in my life I would appreciate the gift He gave to me. Yes we choose every day to love each other and on the eve of waiting on abnormal mammogram tests, I hold fast to that gift. Please do not be so flip about the importance of marriage and the gifts He has given us. The biggest gift of course is His Son.
And I have to say. I am appalled at the folks who can’t wait to “burst the bubbles” of their children. How cruel is that. Heart break is inevitable. Be there to help pick up the pieces.
Maybe they should sell “You are not the one” cards for people’s anniversaries… 😀
I think that my wife is the one and I think that she was always the one. I believe that it was always God’s will that we should marry. We spent so much time discerning and praying for openness to God’s will and to be guided by him, and we believe that God led us to the altar.
I think this article is like the opposite reaction to people who hold out for a Mr/Mrs Perfect. But I think if we say God does not have a plan for us then we’ve missed the mark too. I think God does have a plan for us and it touches every area of our lives. Especially who we marry.
I love this article! I have a 16year old son, and I tell him all the time that there is not one perfect girl….but that he is to choose a Godly girl and then be faithful to the covenant he makes with her!
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I just stumbled upon this on Pinterest, and I wanted to tell you how much I absolutely LOVED it! My husband thinks the exact same way, and I remember being incredibly angry at him when he first told me that he didn’t think God chose me specifically for him, or that we were “predestined” by God to be together. Once he explained it, it made so much sense. I absolutely love your take on it 🙂
1. I enjoyed the article. It was humorous and insightful.
2. You made some great points, said some things that need to be both said and heard.
3. However, I have come theological concerns regarding your post.
– A marriage between a man and a woman is symbolic of the marriage between Christ and the Church. If God does not ordain who will marry whom but leaves it up to human desire/will, then the very Doctrines of Grace are undermined. If God cares little who His children marry, what does that say about who His Son marries? Is our salvation left to chance?
– If God does not ordain marriages, then it is logical to assume He doesn’t ordain the children those marriages produce either. If God does not ordain the procreation of new humans, then how could He plan anything concerning mankind? How could He ordain our salvation if He did not ensure we existed at all? How could He have ensured the Davidic succession to Christ if He didn’t ensure certain marriages and certain children?
– When you claim that God has no plan for our marriage, then you really throw out any plan for our lives at all.
I could care less about arguments concerning “soul mates.” It is an unbiblical term and rightly thrown out whenever discussing marriage from a biblical perspective. But I do believe that God put me with my wife. I did not choose her. When we first met, we despised each other. Through bizarre circumstances, we became friends. Through careful prayer and seeking the Lord, we discovered He wanted us to get married. We did. We love each other, not because we “fell in love” but because we were united by Divine mandate and Divine appointment. We love because He first loved us. So while I agree that the sentimental nonsense teenagers are fed about soul mates and THE ONE is indeed nonsense, I do not agree with you that God does not put people together and ordain marriages. I do not agree because the Bible tells us that all of our days were written in His book before one began, and that God establishes the places and times in which we would live, among other passages. God does have a plan for us, and it is to make us more like His Son, but sometimes that plan INCLUDES marriage, because for some of us marriage would make us more like His Son.
Reblogged this on ἐκλεκτικός and commented:
Worth reading
Reblogged this on Inside the mind of Juliana and commented:
I read this and thought it was really interesting. At youth camps, us girls are told that God has that special person for us and that He has a plan for us in that regard. While I do think God has plans for me and He knows everything that will happen as He is omniscient (all-knowing, past present and future). But I also think that it is up to me to make decisions that please God, which includes the choice of a spouse eventually. Let me know your reactions! 🙂
How can God not have a husband for you, when he knows your future? He knew your life before you were even born?
He knows in what order you will put your slippers on in 3 years and 37 days from now, but that doesn’t mean you are altering His will if you make the decision yourself. He just happens to know what choice you will make.
Amen.
Psalm 139:16-Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
God has everything covered. He’s had a plan from before the foundation of the world. If He didn’t, how could we really and truly trust Him? I agree that the verse in Jeremiah is continually taken out of context but there are many verses in the Bible that speak to Him being all-knowing, all-powerful- the God who has a plan and puts it into action. Exactly how it all works, without man losing free-will, we can’t understand. I encourage everyone to read the whole of Psalm 139.
Thanks, thanks!
Thank you for this story. It kind of gives me a new perspective on dating. It seems you became more congruent with your feelings, which made the process much more simpler. I will remember this 🙂
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This is something I have believed in since I was young, and all my christian friends think I am crazy for not waiting for ‘the one’ God has prepared for me. I’ve been married for 6 months now, and I your sharing encourages me and reminds me that God not only did not plan a soulmate for us, but he also did not plan which house I should buy or which job offer I should take or so many other things in life where I felt a lot of Christians waited for God’s plan answer to reveal to them. I agree that God’s plan for us is to be more holy, more like Christ.
Thank you! =)
I think you might want to read the story of Isaac and Rebecca..
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We have but one soul mate, and that is Christ Jesus our groom. To claim otherwise would be idolatry. In His grace, God has given us the institute of marriage; a man and a woman whose love for God and for each other glorifies Him, as one strengthens, builds up, and encourages the other to pursue holiness and satisfaction in Christ. We live our lives with this purpose, and then it all ends. We die, our marriage is fulfilled, and the “till death do we part” is actualized. We enter into God’s glory and are joined eternally to the bridegroom. We do not believe in marriage in heaven. We’re not mormons. So the concept of soul mates is off. Great post. Hard for people to accept, but true nonetheless.
Hannah I must say that I am impressed by this article. It took courage and a very humble spirit to put that out there. Many times I struggle to set aside what I have been taught to accept what the word is really saying and to not abuse the Word of God by taking it out of proper context. I am going to save this article to my computer and so long as you have no problem with this I intend to quote it and use it in my preaching in the years to come.
My wife (Elizabeth) and I are currently doing a small group study about marriage with some friends of ours. I think I will read this to them next week because you covered something very important about our marriage’s. We chose to marry meaning we chose to stay making this totally our responsibility. That does not mean that God not give us the strength and endurance for our marriage commitments. It does not mean that God didn’t know who we would marry. Of course He did (I am speaking now more to the people who having been trying to rebuke your position) He is God. Yes everyone the bible clearly teaches sovereignty, predestination all of it. But I would remind all of us that the bible also teaches us free will and God works in our decisions good or bad working it all together for good. So am I saying God is completely sovereign? Yes I am. Am I saying that God gives us a complete free will? Yes I am. You might say that doesn’t make sense. Well explain Jesus then 100% God 100% Man. My point is this we cant explain everything were not God somethings are just beyond our comprehension because we are not God and we do not have complete perfect knowledge be ok with that have faith. Please don’t take what I am saying to get in a theological debate rather just take it and think on it. If you find what I am saying to be bones in the meat well keep the meat and spit out the bones. I hope this was a helpful comment and not an aggravating one.
Oh and one more thing I appreciated Hannah about your fathers advice. Once your married that person is THE ONE. No take backs once your married that is it and perhaps you might even say they become your soul mate not because God told you to marry them but because we chose our spouse’s to share our life with our ups and downs our faith everything. Ok well I will stop jabbering on it is 4:30 in the morning still unable to sleep and thank you for the refreshing thoughts and truth my wife and I will be following your post’s.
In Christ
Daniel
This has to be one of the best articles I have ever read. The true revelation of all that fantasy-thinking just dawned brutally, yet blissfully on me. wow, thank you for this post. Let me go enjoy my renewed mindset concerning this issue.
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Jesus is our eternal soul mate, it is an unrealistic expectation that our sinful human spouse will meet all our needs and be our all in all. Only Jesus can and will.
As our soul mate he cares greatly about our choices which we should make carefully with a great deal of prayer and thought.
I love this essay and I think you are well on your way to a really healthy and wonderful marriage. I also wanted to give props to your Dad for his wisdom. I loved his answer on what college God wanted you to go to. I thought my parents were terribly unromantic when they would tell me as a teen that it wasn’t about being “in love” it was about loving, and love is a decision you make all the time. I didn’t get it then but I get it so much now in my relationship that is going 18 years strong…
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I think your dad’s advise was awesome and I’m glad you listened and remembered it to share with your future children. I disagree with you though on the soulmate, you do have a soulmate his name is Jesus! I agree with your statements that you said you daily decide to love your husband, because that’s what it takes to keep a marriage in tact. Love is not some feel good feelings, it’s a conscious decision on a daily basis to stick with that other person as the traditional vows state: in health and sickness, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Too many are willing to bail out when the going gets though.
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Mark 10:9 – Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.
God does take one person and join them to another one person.
Love this!! I was going to marry a Pastor and be a Pastor’s wife. I just knew that was what God intended for me and so did those I went to church with. In fact, we all had the man picked out! Well, on Monday, July 29th, I will have been the wife to a restaurant owner for the last 24 years. Not the man others and myself had chosen for me. (and turns out he is indeed a Pastor!! That part we got right. :-)) And although it isn’t the ministry life I envisioned, there is all kinds of ministry going on over the counter at our restaurant! Our marriage is far (far) from perfect but for better or worse, he is mine and I am his. Thanks for sharing your sweet and insightful story!
This is just awesome. “There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person….I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.”
I too grew up in youth group and I’ve been married for a little more than a year now. I completely agree with this post! Thanks for writing it!
Such a fantastic outlook you have shared! I recently married my best friend of many years, even after being told by a pastor I respected that my now-husband was “not the man God had chosen for me.” I chose him anyway because he’s the person I already share everything with, who makes me laugh, and who I cannot even begin to imagine my life without. I made him my choice and thank God every day that I did.
Ugh I struggle with this concept.. I go back and forth with it myself… But these are my thoughts… There may not be “one” out there for me but God sure does tell me when I’m dating someone I shouldn’t… Another thing is that when we get saved and we give our entire lives over to Christ. We no longer run after our goals, dreams, ideas. We run after the plans He has for our lives. We don’t live for our pleasure or satisfaction anymore. Therefore, because we have given up our entire life, we give over the right to pick where we live, where we work, who our friends are, who we marry. God has our lives planned out according to His will (of course we have the option whether to follow in His will or not). I also think of back in the Old Testament when god was giving directions on building the temple… If He wanted a temple He could have said “Build a temple”, but He was so specific that not only did He give exact measurements but the exact colors that were to go into the temple….
It’s just hard for me to believe that if we seek after God’s will we won’t find it and that He’ll just leave us in the dust to decide for ourselves to find someone who makes us happy… I would like to believe anyone could work! That takes a lot of pressure off and I can’t stop being so skeptical when dating! Haha
Just my thoughts 🙂
Loved this! Excellent way to put into words what my brain was bouncing around while reading this! God’s word is living…it’s alive and I find it hard to believe that we should just look at promises in the Bible as stories for past generations. Some of those promises are for future generations as well! Get into the word people and let the Holy Spirit lead and guide you! And if it’s confusing…or you don’t understand ask Him to clarify it to you, to make sense, because we have the great privilege of being able to communicate directly with the Author!
Hi Hannah!
As a married Mom of a 22 year old and the leader of a High School Girls Class at our church I couldn’t wait to share your blog post. Thanks for the truth from a “Christian” girl with a big ole dose of reality! 🙂
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Reblogged this on bringingupaary and commented:
I love this post. This is something that I’ve often though about myself. Great post. Worth the read 🙂
I loved reading the various comments because the different testimonies reinforced one thing for me: God is deeply personal. Our relationships with Him are incredibly unique, and He meets each of us right where we are because He knows the intricacies of our entire being. And I know God has given us free will-and will never force us to choose Him or His ways.
Scripture has so many stories where God has changed His mind about something because someone would ask (e.g. Abraham), and time and time again redeem to work out for good the mistakes we make that were totally against what His plan was (Adam & Eve, Levi’s family, Bathseba & David etc). The list is endless.
And I believe that God works with us-He has chosen us before the foundations of the world were set, and purposed us for good works. He is interested in every detail of our lives-each of my hair strands is numbered!!!
So my belief is that our relationships with God are unique and very personal-what He asks of me and how He asks me to go about something won’t be the same as someone else. Some people will get the clear dreams of who they’re to marry-and to some people it will seem as if they met their spouse by ‘chance’. Ultimately, whatever your path, don’t take God out of the detail of your life. The choices I make are birthed out of the relationship I have with God
I love your comment, it’s a beautiful and true concept and I agree that God is involved with the details of our lives. I think that a lot of Christians are skeptical of the whole soulmate concept because it is rooted in secular and ancient Greek philosophy and is wrapped romantic notions. However, just because we don’t need a special one to complete us, doesn’t mean we should throw out the idea that God has a specific plan for us- including for marriage, if we decide to get married. Even if there are multiple people we could be compatible with, we should always include God in the details of our decisions and everything important to us. I think marriage is one of those things. Personally, I think that God has a single right or best match for every Christian He plans on joining in marriage, but, either way, it should be done with God’s guidance. 🙂
I loved your comment as well-you articulated so well what I couldn’t quite do. I think in life there will always be God’s ideal for us-and then there will be what we end up doing, and God redeeming that. e.g. God’s ideal is for us to save sex for marriage, but quite often we fall short of doing this right-but we still go on to have wonderful marriages despite this (even if for a while there’s a few emotional consequences of past sin to deal with in the marriage). It’s the same way I know God’s ideal for me is to not marry an unbeliever who is physically abusive etc. However many choices I have-I only want God’s ideal for me with my partner. I would not be where I am today if it had been based on my choices alone, somehow things turned out differently to what the consequences of my past choices deserve. And it’s for that reason that I believe that God does have someone for each one of us-whether we think we made it there on our own or if we think it was destined to be.
I remember a guy telling a story about how he was going out with a girl and they had a few problems, and the guy spoke to God about it. God’s reply to the guy was that if he was willing to work through the problems and work at the relationship, God would help him and the girl work through it all. But at the same time, God also said that should the guy choose to not work at it, that would be his choice and up to him and he could leave. The guy chose to end the relationship, and years later he went on to get married to someone else. He is now happily married to someone else. So it just shows that even though God has His plans for us-He is not rigid and unbending and unreasonable. We get scared of the notion of destiny and soul mates because it’s terrifying to think that I essentially only have ‘one way’ to go about life and to do things. I would only have limited options and anything else outside of that would be a massive failure. It’s scary. Some people are so in tune with God’s heart that I honestly believe God trusts them, and they don’t have to ask God about every single choice because they know God that well and trust Him that much that they don’t worry about making mistakes outside of His will. It’s like David setting out to build the temple, the prophet Nathan initially just said ‘go and do as you wish’. And God had to stop David and tell him that Solomon would be the one to build the temple. Or Paul being stopped from ministering in certain towns because it would be too dangerous. The closer you get to God, the deeper your relationship, the more God entrusts to you I think. When I was a baby Christian, I asked God about EVERYTHING , but the more I grow in my relationship with Him, the more I know His heart, the more my decisions reflect His heart and I don’t even have to ask. So while it feels like I don’t consult Him on every decision anymore, every single thing I do is still flows from Him at the centre of it all (subconsciously or consciously). There is no one size fits all when it comes to God, He individualises His plans for us. And that means plans will unfold differently. If you have kids you know just how you love each of them uniquely. How you’d happily trust some of them with the house for a week, and how the other will need your input picking out a car/college, and the other will have everything from college to wedding plans organised by themselves. We are different, some of you God will let choose a spouse from a choice of 7, and some of you God will just have to use burning bushes and dreams and clear confirmations etc to guide you. But whether it seems like you independently chose your husband or the stars aligned for you meet your partner, don’t make the mistake of thinking God isn’t involved in how your life unfolds-the people you meet, the places you end up in…
We are different,
Whoever you end up marrying, and however you end up with that person-just trust God and don’t worry about whether it’s meant to be or not. Just trust God.
So much of our debates wouldn’t exist if we realised that God leads each of us differently out of relationship with Him. That’s what matters at the end of it all, everything we do will stem from that deep relationship with Him.
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[b] God doesn’t have a husband stored away somewhere for them. He has a whole life, one of rich and abundant choices. And it is awesome. [/b]
I love that!
Good stuff. Plan to share it. Thanks
Wow…. I have lived my life thinking this! Thank you for sharing! Freedom
Just wanted to say good job. 🙂 And good for you for CHOOSING to love your husband. Because love IS a choice. 🙂
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I think you have gone from one extreme to another. I’m not a predestinatarian, and “soulmate” is an extreme, non-biblical term, but God is surely involved in planning our lives. We are not wiser than God. All decisions should be bathed in prayer and confirmed by the Holy Spirit. He does have a “best plan,” romantic notions aside, for every detail of my life.
Good words Mike, you took them right out of my mouth. I made an attempt at saying this earlier but you said it much better.
It is written in Ecclesiasties, “Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself? Do not be overly wicked, Nor be foolish: Why should you die before your time? It is good that you grasp this, And also not remove your hand from the other;
For he who fears God will escape them all.” 7:16-18
I think that is exactly what is happening here, she’s gone from one extreme to the other.
What a GREAT post. I often find myself thinking about love being a choice. I have divorce in my background and then some. My husband has the same. I can’t tell you how many times the haunting of “soul mate” has drifted across my path and tried to devastate my thinking. I don’t think I ever put my own thoughts,about love being a choice together with the things you have said. Thank you for saying them. I’m so glad to have come across your post. It was posted on Facebook by a family member. I will be reblogging your post on my blogs.
Happy Anniversary!
Great godly words of wisdom … thank you for sharing.
Lovely photos!
One of the best articles on love and marriage I have read. I am happy to say my husband of nearly 17 years is not my soul mate either, but he is the love of my life and I can not imagine life without him in it.
Hannah,
I enjoyed your lively writing style and the content of your post. Certainly it has been a hit and created great discussion (I have not read all the posts but see debate.). I cannot attest to what or how God works though I know that I was not a Christian when we married. At the 18 year mark I, still not a Christian, was ready to walk away when a man came along side and explained the choices which were before me. I made the choice to stay.
Amazing what God has done in our marriage. Was she the perfect mate granted by God? It doesn’t matter; she is now. Fourteen years later, I too, believe the challenge of marriage “…is based on a daily choice to love…” And yes, I think we are offered choice in the simple, “…follow me…” It is not always easy and I have not lived all experiences yet I have come to “believe” 1 Peter 3
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives…Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives…so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Thank you for your words as we all work within our meager understanding and abilities to follow our Lord Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith.
STurner2
Reblogged this on Awaken To The Father's Heart and commented:
Brilliant writing and thank you so much for bursting our North American Christian bubble of “falling in love”. Marriage is a very special union created by God but movies and American society glamorize this perfect euphoric fantasy experience that lasts forever. True love lasts forever but is nothing like what it is portrayed to be.
Jesus must be our first and only love. God in His wisdom created Adam before Eve, so Adam would learn to find his value and fulfillment in God first and not his partner. While human beings are created to be in horizontal relationship our horizontal relationships are only fulfilling when our vertical relationship with the Father is the foundation of life. In our American culture I would guess that most marriages are actually idolatry and very disappointing to God because we place our spouse above our relationship with God.
I love everything about this article because it frees people from the obsession and paralyzing fear of missing God’s will and finding the right person. However, if our Father knows every hair on our heads (Matthew 6) and pre-planned every single day of our lives before we even lived one (Psalms 139:16) wouldn’t this plan by very application include the person we would marry? It is important not to get lost in the fundamentalism of pre-destination where we are hopelessly stuck and destined to follow God like robots. For human beings to be purely pre-destined in nature God could not have created mankind with a freewill. We are freewill beings with the freedom to make freewill choices.
I see God’s plan for our lives like a map. The Father has a perfect plan for our lives and a perfect eternal destination. As we adventure through this journey GPS (God’s perfect-guiding system – The Holy Spirit) gently speaks (like the voice on GPS when you are driving) go left or go right each day of this great journey called life. The Bible conveys a detailed specific Father who cares about every detail of His child’s life. He does not expect us to find our own way home or plan out every detail of our lives because He knows as finite human beings we are helplessly lost without Him.
This is why He sends the Holy Spirit our GPS (God’s perfect guiding system) to guide us on the most direct, eternally meaningful and earthly productive life possible. For those who are starting to get scared about predestination, don’t worry, God loves us so much that he allows us to choose our own path and chart our own course in life. We can make a million mistakes and like the prodigal son completely walk away from God’s plan for our lives.
But what is so amazing about God’s plan for our lives is that no matter where we go or what we do, we can never void or destroy His plan. In Psalm 139 David realizes there is no where one can go to escape God. Even if I make my bed in the heights of heaven or in the depths of hell you are still there. There is no where I can go to escape your spirit!
One time when I was driving in my car, I took a million wrong turns and ended up driving a hundred miles in the opposite direction of my destination. Yet, no matter how far away I drove, my GPS kept recalibrating and recalculating the most direct and efficient route to my original destination.
This simple example reveals the profound, unfathomable and amazing power of God’s grace for us. All of us made mistakes. Some of us have lived in rebellion and purposely chosen a path in the complete opposite direction of God’s plan. Yet, just like my driving catastrophe, no matter how many wrong turns you have made, no matter how far away from God’s perfect plan you are, your loving Father has already engineered and re-calibrated a perfect script to live the most eternally meaningful life possible.
God’s grace contains unlimited power. God can do more with an 80 year old drug dealer who completely surrenders his life to Jesus than a nominal Christian who has lived a very religious life. This is a most important truth because it means no matter who you are or what you have done there is GREAT hope for you today. Many think that I have made too many mistakes or taken too many wrong turns to follow God’s plan. This is scary and inaccurate thinking many of us embrace. But the truth is following God’s plan has nothing to do with your past and is only dependent on the decision you will make today.
Marriage is one area that makes understanding God’s plan infinitely complex. Maybe if you faithfully followed God through teenage years you would meet a really devoted Christian spouse and together significantly further God’s kingdom in the earth for many years. But instead you decide to live in rebellion from God during teenage years and completely walk away from God for 30 years. At the age of fifty you return to God and live a intensely devoted life serving God and never marrying like the Apostle Paul.
Like the GPS in my car, it seems that the Holy Spirit takes our current position and continually re-calibrates the best plan for marriage (or not marriage) and all details of life. What an amazing and freeing thought! You no longer have to worry about missing God’s plan or soul mate for your life. But at the same time, we can rest in knowing that God’s perfect-guiding system is taking our current position and leading us in the best path to our eternal home with Him.
What freedom! What joy! Release from the chains of searching for my “soul-mate” but still anchored secure in the truth that through God’s perfect-guiding system my Father still has a perfect plan to best glorify Him in the remaining days of this earthly adventure and most effectively chart my course to my eternal home.
Sounds like a good excuse to marry whomever you want. What about Jacob’s servant being sent to prayerfully find the wife of God’s choosing (Rebekah)? Somebody isn’t reading their Bible…! God does have a plan for our lives, and it does include our spouses…but either way…we must choose to daily love the one we have chosen. A soulmate comes after many years of committment and love…but it does happen!
Wait. So God has a plan for our lives, and it includes a spouse? How do you reconcile that with Paul’s writings, where he says it is better to be single than married, nevertheless, if you cannot control your sexual urges, get married (1 Cor 7). Doesn’t sound like he believes that God has a plan for all to be married, does it? And it wasn’t Jacob’s servant, it was Abraham’s servant who was sent to look for a bride for Isaac.
If you’re going to critique someone’s Bible knowledge, please don’t be ignorant yourself.
Systematic Theology can be rather dangerous, and the fact is you cannot conclude on this matter without doing a systematic analysis of the facts. To me, the facts that come in to play are 1. God is Sovereign over all things and 2. God has a will and a plan that all works together for good for those who love Him, 3. God’s will not not found in the shapes of the clouds but rather through a daily walk that includes multiple choices and interactions with people. Just like our bodies and souls are not mutually exclusive, but rather one affects the other however we are not sure where they mesh, I think so works the will of God playing out as He pleases in our lives while we still act making personal choices based off of who we are, what we learn, where we live, where we choose to go to school, etc. You cannot just pull out one Bible truth and apply it to this situation. And like I said, systematic theology is cloudy because anyone can pull out multiple truths and manipulate them to say whatever he wants. Sometimes the answer is simply “I don’t know for sure but this is what I believe based off of my studies and reflections and you are free to believe something different because the Bible simply does not spell it out specifically and in the end we still have to work at our marriage covenants just the same.” Paul’s address to perhaps stay single does not prove that God does not have a plan but rather that the plan is not the same for everyone and we must make choices based off of wisdom. But somehow, some way, God brings all things to be what He wants them to be. And in your responses to others you may do well to consider benevolence and brotherhood. This is a discussion of God and His workings after all. We should discuss in fear and respect of God rather than in respect of our own opinions.
I don’t think that Christine meant that God’s plans for everyone include a spouse, just that God does plan the spouses of those who do marry.
Totally agreed!Though I don’t know you,Christine,your comment reflects my reaction to this article perfectly!The truth is out there….between God’s Sovereignity and human’s free will.
Hannah – I enjoyed the post particularly this part: “when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse.”
Several years ago a well meaning friend told me to make 2 lists: *the must dos* and *the must nots*. If a girl didn’t have *the must haves* or did any of the *must nots* – then avoid her entirely.
My dear, sweet bride of over 4 years now failed at least 4 of the 5 must nots. I can’t even remember the fifth, so maybe she was 5 of 5.
But I remember consciously deciding to throw away that concept when I chose to make a commitment to her, abandoning all worldly wisdom I’d ever been given in addition to that exercise as well.
I’m so glad!
Reblogged this on She Blahs and commented:
truth
I am a 53 year old single woman. (never been married). Throughout my teens and early adult-hood, Finding “the one” and getting married was not only my heats desire, but I truly beleived it was part of God’s plan for everyone and my life wasn’t “complete” with out it. I (sadly) realized that this was not God’s plan for me and for very many others. I confess that my coming to this conclusion didn’t begin for “spiritual” reason but for reason’s far more mundane. The truth is, if love and marriage were meant for everyone, the worlds population would be an exact number of men to women and ages, which is so not what you see when you look at the world. Since that original thought and much prayer and many angry conversations with God, I gradually accepted and even embraced the life of singleness. When I look back now and see the many mistakes I could have made, I am so thankful and feel so blessed that the Lord in His mercy saved me. I am so thrilled to read your post and realize that many young women today will be told the truth early enough that they can enjoy their journey from start to finish regardless of their marital status. Many blessings to you Hannah for having the courage and transparency to share your heart with others
Loved this and I agree!
Reblogged this on .heart.cry. and commented:
An interesting read…food for thought…
i agree with you on so many levels sis with the exception of one: soul-mate. i realized that i do have a soul mate, that ONE person i am meant to be with forever and our souls are bound and will become one: his name is Jesus! i too am married and the two have become one flesh but my soul and everything belongs to Jesus Christ. He is my soul mate for sure.
Hannah,
This post my my soul sing! As a teenager, I read all the books, listened to all the songs and invited my friends to join me as I wrote a list of things that “my perfect husband” would do.
I discarded boyfriend after boyfriend because he didn’t fit my criteria and I just KNEW that God had “The One” waiting….somewhere.
But something wasn’t right. Something didn’t make sense about a God who gives us the free will to make choices and give into sin, but then has a “perfect man”, all picked out and waiting for me.
Enter freshman year of college, and the end of a year-long, self-imposed, “boyfriend fast”. I had dedicated my year to not dating or getting caught up in drama, but discovering a new relationship with the Lord. Gone were the lists, the books, and the notions of God dropping a husband in my lap. It was a time of focus and ‘growing up’. Thank goodness.
By the end of freshman year, I was engaged. Happily, but by choice. Not by the feeling of butterflies or by a rush of uncontrollable emotions….but by choice. By choice, I began to see the boy that I had pushed away and deemed “unworthy” (because he certainly didn’t fill ALL the requirements on my “must ” list)….as the man that would help complete me for the rest of my life.
By choice, I prayerfully asked for God to open my heart to HIS will. By choice, I walked down the aisle, 4 months later.
2 and 1/2 years of joy later, I have never been shy about telling my husband that I CHOSE him. In our over-romanticized, yet divorce-plagued world, I don’t hold much stock in “falling head over heels”. I do however, place great faith in the idea that my husband is my fellow soldier for Christ. He is my partner, my person…because WE chose each other.
Thanks for sharing something so powerfully well-written and experienced. You are a gem.
Christian
So Jeremiah 29:11 is irrelevant to us today? Only meaningful for those people at that time? Guess it doesn’t pertain to MY life at all and should be ignored?
Alicia- How do you determine which parts of Scripture are pieces of the historical gospel narrative, and which parts are relevant to you? Do you wash yourself in the Jordan river 7 times as commanded in 2 Kings 5:10? Have you sold your cloak and bought a sword as Jesus commanded in Luke 22?
Or if you identify with what God told the prophet Jeremiah, do you also identify with what He told the prophet Hosea, when He tells him to marry a “promiscuous woman” and love her despite the fact that she neither loves him, nor will restrain from chasing after other guys? Or will you lay on your side for years, never getting out of bed, cooking all of your food over feces like God commanded Ezekiel in Ezek 4?
In fact, let’s even look at Jeremiah. Let’s pretend God is saying the same thing to you as He was to Jeremiah. What were the plans that God had for him? He was persecuted by the people he was trying to save, mocked, beaten and thrown in a ditch. What does Jeremiah say to God in chapter 20? “You have seduced me!” And how does it end for him? Does he not get carried away into exile with the rest of his people, and die long before the promised reconciliation of God’s people? Are those the plans that you want for your life? Or in that same passage, as it was written to the exiles, were they gathered from all the nations where they had been banished and brought back from exile (Jer 29:14)? Yes. Were any of them alive when it happened? No. So why did God encourage them, when He knew that none of them would experience it personally? God deals with them collectively, not individually, because ultimately, God is for God and His glory. He brought glory to himself through their exile, and that’s what matters most.
We need to stop trying to make scripture about us. It is not about us. It is not “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth”. It is not God’s love letter to us. It is a divinely inspired book about the glory of God in Creation, Fall, Redemption, and coming Glorification, given TO us, but not about us. It is sufficient in all that it teaches, without having to be contextualized and made relevant to the point where every verse can be used in a topical sermon. We have to be every bit about the glory of God as He is. It needs to consume us. That’s the only way we find happiness and contentment.
44 yr old father of two daughters, 20 and 17, been married for a week shy of 24 yrs. Love Jesus since camp in 1984 when I prayed for God to send me a ‘godly’ wife some day. When I met Heidi she was in love with Jesus….and rock n roll and not exactly what my Baptist eyes were looking for…when we declared our love for eachother and wanted to get married (we were both 20) the ‘Church’ decided we were too young and wouldn’t marry us. We did it anyway because we enjoyed each other, we dreamed together, we saw the world the same way and we both were convinced that God’s love would hold us together, IF WE LET HIM. For the last 27 years, we have made the choice to love each other through some pretty crazy times. Our daughters love Jesus and we tell them that love is an action and a choice, not an emotion or a feeling to let guide you. Let the truth of God’s love define you and guide you and your husband will come along, at which point you can decide if he’s someone you can follow Jesus with. Thanks for the encouragement.
Hannah, I absolutely LOVED this post! It reflects a lot of what I’ve had on my mind recently (especially as a twenty-something single girl with lots of [still] dreamy eyed twenty-something single girl friends). Thank you for being bold enough to swim against the tide and state your thoughts!
Thk. Thk a lot.
Thank you so much for this!!!
David- I agree with you completely. My point is not that God cannot have a plan for people. I was contending with the idea that His plan is absolute and universal for all people in regards to this one specific topic of marriage. He is definitely reverent, omniscient, omnipotent, and worthy of fear and respect.
Understood, and I don’t think Christine was saying that God’s will for everyone is that they be married. More just that for those who do get married, God has a plan for WHO we marry. It’s not just happenstance where God says “hey, they make a cute couple, glad they were able to get together. I think I can work with this.” Of course, speaking as according to the flesh.
I absolutely loved and needed this! Thank you Hannah!
Thanks for sharing. Profound common sense.
This is so amazing! Reminds me of this excerpt from a wedding sermon by Dietrich Bonhoeffer:
“Every wedding must be an occasion of joy that human beings can do such great things, that they have been given such immense freedom and power to take the helm in their life’s journey. The children of the earth are rightly proud of being allowed to take a hand in shaping their own destinies, and something of this pride must contribute to the happiness of a bride and bridegroom. We ought not to be in too much of a hurry here to speak piously of God’s will and guidance. It is obvious, and it should not be ignored, that it is your own very human wills that are at work here, celebrating their triumph; the course that you are taking at the outset is one that you have chosen for yourselves; what you have done and are doing is not in the first place, something religious, but something quite secular. So you yourselves, and you alone, bear the responsibility for what no one can take from you; or, to put it more exactly, you have all the responsibility for the success of your venture.”
Well said, love it! I’ve always believed the same – there can’t be just ONE, we have choices and we decide which is best for us. Thank you. -CAT
I really enjoyed this post! All of the naysayers are clearly living with a limited world view with quite a bit of privilege. Yes, God loves you, but seriously every mundane move you make is not the most important thing in the world. The same people who believe in soul mates are the kind of people who say “your mom died of cancer because it was God’s plan” “they had a miscarriage to test their faith” “you lost your job because God has something better planned”– not only are you dismissing very serious hardships in people lives but guess what, sometime shitty things just happen. Sometimes you get along with someone so well you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but if there were only one person in the whole world you you could feel that way about, well I wouldn’t want to try to find someone in a world with those odds.
I like you. 🙂
I’m going through a divorce right now and I really needed this. Thank you
Can’t help but notice from the many posts here that perceptions are very much shaped by personal experiences. While that may help sort out some of life’s lessons, it can be unwise to rely too much on our own intellect. There must surely be something significantly different about the way God’s children make choices. This, I believe, would make all the difference in the world – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Interesting notion for such a young person. I will have to think about this one a little bit more but will applaud you for a profound writing that is causing me to think.
This is great! Thanks for sharing. I have said so many of these same things that seem to shock people in the church.
I dont agree. I believe there is a soulmate but we choose otherwise. Ive seen couples that are so in love because of attraction immediately. They didnt choose ..it just happened and was awesome.
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Reblogged this on Stephanie K. Taylor and commented:
Such a beautiful, encouraging message.
It’s funny and eye-opening for me. God told me one night that I was going to meet a very unexpected guy in my life, someone I least expect to date and marry. I agree that soulmates never exist but God is able to lead us to the right man
Well said
As it should be. If God is a big part of your marriage, how can it fail?
I read your post with an open mind, but I can’t say I agree with everything you’re saying. No, I don’t think that what we hope for when we’re 14 years old is what we will end up getting, but I don’t think that necessarily means that we don’t have a “soul mate.” I have never really made use of the phrase, but I have always believed that God has a specific person for everyone who will be married one day. I guess I believe this because of the fact that he does have a plan for our lives. Why wouldn’t your future spouse be included in this plan? I absolutely agree that love is not something that “just happens.” To love someone is a choice that is made every day. It is not just an emotion, but an action. However, in my opinion, just because we may not end up with the type of person we always envisioned ourselves with, that doesn’t mean we were wrong in thinking that God had someone set aside for us. In fact, it actually makes me feel stronger about His plan. If you ended up with someone completely different than you always imagined, isn’t that just God intervening? It shows that we do not always know what we need, but He does. I guess I’m a little different, because I actually did end up marrying someone who was always what I imagined! Weird… But seriously, how can we really know? You used the point that the Bible does not come out and say that God chooses a spouse for us, but at the same time, it doesn’t say that He doesn’t. I don’t think we can wrap our minds around His work. We can try to make sense of it, but as you mentioned in one of your comments, as long as we all believe in the same God, and his son Jesus Christ, what does it matter whether or not we believe in a person that has been set aside just for us?
Again, just my humble opinion. I’m open to hearing anyone else’s ideas!
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I am young and married with a family. I go through a lot with my mental disabilities and this is exactly how I feel. I do believe you can’t help who you Care for. You just kind of do that, but I do choose to love my husband everyday. This is very inspirational. I absolutely love this. Happy late one year
Hahaha I love this so much. I turned 13 in 2000 and just, *just* missed the culture you described in your first paragraph. I caught the tail end of it. I mean, we had the WWJD bracelets, and while ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ was recommended to me I never got round to reading it (although I did read Boy Meets Girl, which had its merits – I believe Harris wrote it several years after IKDGB) etc. But we were never actively taught by anyone to look for “the one” or whatever. That was more of an ambient social suggestion. And I was quite young when somebody – and I don’t remember who it was – told me what your father told you. I think it might have even been my mum. But I do remember our new youth pastor, when I was 14 or 15, telling us the same thing – that as long as he/she is a Christian, God doesn’t care who you marry. He told us we are to look at the bible to find out what God wants from us, and all the bible says on who you should marry is that they’re a fellow believer. He actually did have us sit down and write a list of characteristics we wanted in a boyfriend/girlfriend. And then told us the only thing that matters on that list is that they are a Christian. There are other important things too – some of us had written things like loyal, faithful, good sense of humour/makes me laugh, attractive – but as soon as you begin writing too many *required* attributes, you begin to seriously shrink your pool of potential mates. We were told to identify the most important, non-negotiable characteristics – for most of us, those were things like “is a Christian”, “is loyal” and “has a good sense of humour” – and be prepared to ditch everything else on your list.
Great blog post. And thank you for thinking deeper than Disney. That kind of thought/dream puts a LOT of pressure on us guys that are wired to “hope you’re hott.” If we have to think deeper than our natural wiring then it’s very encouraging to have a spouse that will do the same with hers. The every day choice is a must for survival.
It didn’t take me long to realize that God could shape my character as a husband in ways that I likely would never have been open to as a single man. He’s used it to stretch me. Same thing when I became a father, and a boss. I’m still far from perfect, but trying to be flexible so I can learn from the stretching.
Reblogged this on Sisterhood Weekly – A Desire To Flourish and commented:
I loved this blog so much because it was so much my story so enjoy the read and if you are single there is so much truth in here and if you are married…there is so much truth in here.
This is well written and so needs to be shared so I will do so. Thank you. As a single person , I chuckle sometimes at this notion when people talk about it. I just announce that my being single is OK because it just means God is still working on my perfect man! ROFL love is a choice and marriage isn’t God’s plan He has for is necessarily. Serving Him and loving others is. The rest is blessing. Marriage is a beautiful gift but to make it right you have to choose. Love this.
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Our Pastor posted the link to your article, asking what we thought. I’ve been married twice. The first time I really thought he was “the One” then completely unexpected things happened and he ended up deciding I was never “the one” and showed that he wasn’t for me either. The condemnation I felt for being so wrong was crushing. Later after being a single mom of three kids, I was proposed to a couple times but turned them down feeling that I wasn’t ready for that again. Finally my current husband and I decided to marry and you know what? we weren’t perfect either. He did some not nice things, some similar to the first husband, but this time I was older, more grounded in my relationship to God and found a way to make it work. Forgiveness and patience are beautiful things, but the determination that if we both wanted to make it work, then it could work was what brought us through now 13 years later I cannot ever imagine beng with anyone else, and don’t feel condemned for possibly missing that “soul mate.” The statement I appreciated the most in your article was: “My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love. ” Well spoken and so wise at such a young age. I sent this article to each of my now teen and young adult children, none of whom are married yet. Thank-you.
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My “ideal” man was clean shaven, and a great singer, who didn’t give motorcycles a second glance. When my future husband came to my parents’ home the first time for supper, he rode a motorcycle, had a full beard (which he only recently shaved down to a goatee), and can’t really sing a lick!
We’ll be married 22 years in November! This article says so much about what I feel in my heart. Thank you for verifying that I’m not the only one who thinks this way!
Blessings!
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Agree. This means I can date/marry anyone I want! Well said. Also helps me love others who aren’t religious… seeing how it’s not so much about the faith/god or some “divine control”.
I just recently ended my relationship of three years, a person that i thought would spend the rest of my life with, and maybe one day i might. But regardless this helped me beyond belief. Thank you for sharing this, it is not glamorous, and showy, but real. And reality is what i need, it is what everyone needs. Thanks again.
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Thanks for this! Great read! I’m a guy that doesn’t fit the hypothetical youth pastor, guitar singing, etc mold. (Although I do sing ladies! -haha) I’m still single at 29. I’m loving it. I’m whole. im not in search of ‘my other half’ -how boring would it be to be half a person?-
I’ll find a lady sometime and try to convince her that life would be better with me in it (haha) or ill continue living on! Pursuing God, good music and of course the occasional, amazing Blog posts.
Very well said. It is refreshing that a young person has such a mature & Godly view of what marriage really is. I have been married for 35 years & believe you have captured exactly how God intended life to be. It is not “what” happens in our lives, it is what we “do” with what happens. May God continue to bless you with even more wisdom.
I don’t know you, but was shown this by my friend Claire O’Brien. THANK YOU for this refreshing view on relationships of faith. Too long, we women make deals with God, barter with Him almost throughout our lives until we believe that all our “good works” will enable us to meet our spouse. This kind of mentality is what gets us into trouble because of exactly what you’ve stated here, especially when those verses are plucked out of proper context as we all do. Both my parents were engaged to other people prior to meeting, and I firmly believe they would have been happy had they continued down that road instead of adhering to what they felt to be God’s ultimate will for their conjoined lives. I desperately needed to read something like this right now, it really spoke into my circumstances and urged me to renew home and stave off my rampant cynicism about relationships recently. Thank you, Hannah…
-Rachel
Reblogged this on theperfectgray and commented:
This has basically been my rant for the past year or so. A nice dosage of sanity for our young Christian women!
It speaks to the importance of a wise and caring father who can give advice from Scripture. In my experience, most people in the church have the “soulmate” notion. We switch between predestination and free will as it suits our fancy. This young groom has quite a handful, too! I hope my daughters develop along these lines.
I have been married for 48 years now and I just last year realized that my husband had become my soul mate because..he is the person that changed me forever. I was a scared person who was not involved in anything and had no intention ever of being a pastor’s wife. That is what I am now. If it wasn’t for my “soulmate” I wouldn’t be the person I am now.
You’re a breath of fresh air.
Loved this and have shared! Thank you for taking the time to write this — so refreshingly authentic and filled with Truth that I only learned at the age of 43….right in time to meet MY James. I had written a note to myself right about that time — and one and a half years later, I am very happily married to the man that I choose to love every day (and who chooses to love me). The tone of it is a bit more of a “kick in the pants” than yours…but it was what I needed at the time. Here it is: https://www.facebook.com/notes/tina-v-goodpaster/valentines-day-sermon-to-myself-god-aint-cupid/10150654365408615 Thanks again!!
What I like about this post is that the ability to choose was high-lighted. You do not have to be afraid if all of a sudden you and your “true love” have to break for any reason or set of reasons. You can live the way you want to without fearing that you will be miserable for the rest of your life. You can also let others live their lives the way they want to. Society places a considerable amount of pressure on young women to find a man and get married….still….
Why not let marriage say “I am happy the way I am, I love myself, but I want to be a part of your life so that we can make each other even happier.” Sometimes, we look to our partner to be our source of happiness. That’s a considerable amount of pressure on a person.
What is beautiful though is that two people with the power to choose chose each other. Isn’t that something worth keeping?
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Wow — I feel like we would be friends in the not-online world. Great post!
No matter what you say about this subject, let’s not forget that the idea of a “soulmate” as shown in contemporary society and the church is based on a pagan concept. Yes I said pagan concept. Don’t believe me, go to to Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate. Jesus said you will know them by their fruit. Well the fruit of this over fascination with romanticism in America and soul mates is a divorce rate that is higher in the church than in many secular circles and the church getting trashed by secular society for hypocrisy. How can we tell anyone how they should conduct their marriages when the church is hypocritical in this area. Love is a choice. Many good men and women leave good men and women when the romance in their relationship fizzles or whatever other excuse if offered up. If their is adultery, drug abuse, abandonment, physical abuse, or some other extenuating circumstance then divorce may be the only option. However, we know in the majority of circumstances that the reason people divorce is not biblically justifiable. It is just another excuse. I am a child of divorce and know the excuses put out by people. I have had friends who have divorced and it is a bunch of excuses. No wonder the church is ineffective in America and losing ground! Judgment starts with the house of God! I have also travelled to other countries and see that the Christian concept of marriage there is healthier than in America. It is time to realize that the popular concepts espoused by “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, “Let God Write Your Love Story”, etc is very incomplete at best and dangerous if solely looked to. God is more complex than this. Some people the Lord has very specific people he wants them to marry. The Lord commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute. This is a biblical example of the Lord choosing a spouse for someone to accomplish his will. Seems shocking! You cannot put God in a box! We must be open to all possibilities and the truth. You must pray for what the Lord’s will is in your unique situation and forget all these Christian authors that have the flavor of the month for this and that! Most of us have only had the Bible for 2000 years and that is all we need! Praise and glory be to God forever and ever! Amen!
Well said Jerry!!
Agreed to a point. Surely now that you are married you became one, technically making you both soul mates? Its just he wasn’t the person you conjured up on your brain when you were young.
I believe we have free will and choice, but it is especially important to be obedient to God and be in tune with His will for our lives. This also includes being wise when choosing a life long partner. He or she can indeed once you’re married (and made one) become your “soulmate”.
it certainly is a debatable subject, isn’t it? I get what you are saying: all the nonsense of “I kissed dating good-bye” By the way, I love what townsend said about that book. Just recently, I enjoyed reading “When Godwinks on Love” SQuire Rushnell see what you think about that!!
The only part of this blog I disagree with is that guys have known the truth about dating all along. I don’t know how many of us bought into this nonsense, but I sure did. I can’t overstate the extent to which it ruined my life. I’m 28, and still trying to put myself back together emotionally from the disillusionment I experienced at the hands of the courtship movement. Thanks for your article. More people need to read this so that they won’t make the mistakes I have made.
I’m undecided about how I feel about this standpoint. No, I don’t use or like the term soul mate, but at the same time, my husband of 4.5 years was prayed for by my mother from my birth. And I was prayed for by my husband’s mother from his birth. My husband and I just “happened” to have run into each other in a pool hall through people that we sort of had in common, when he lived about 20 hours from where we met (where I lived). We parted with no intention of taking our 4 hour friendship anywhere, and a few months later reconnected through MSN chat…and it all started to happen then. While I 100% believe that once we commit to a relationship (specifically marriage), that we need to CHOOSE that person every single day and not buy into this “falling out of love” junk, I also wonder how a person I didn’t know or have any real connection with came into my life so randomly and ended up forming a rich, beautiful lifelong marriage? I really feel God DID have a plan for this marriage. Not with any man, but with MY husband. And God planned for my husband to marry not just any woman, but me. We have free choice, we are able to move in and out of God’s will as we choose…I do believe ALL of that. But I also believe if I had turned my back on this marriage, if I said “no” instead of “YESSS!” when he proposed, if I said “I don’t” instead of “I do”, if I had of broken off the relationship when we were engaged and I was furious with him over a mistake he had made, but didn’t because of the wise counsel of a Godly friend…I believe I just may be out of God’s will today because God gifted me with THIS man to marry and love for the rest of my life…what if I’d said “No thanks, God”? This post was certainly thought provoking though, and I may just change my mind someday with a bit more Bible reading and thought. 🙂
What a great response Holly. Quite a few years ago i was contemplating marrying a man i loved but wasn’t sure of. I was driving and it was a terrific rain storm- just pouring with dark clouds and gray skies. As I neared my home I remember asking God if should marry. My next thought was, ‘oh yeah, God is just going to make the sun come out and shine on me to let me know.” Obviously I was upset! I got home a few minutes later and I was walking towards my house when I felt something hot on my back. As I turned around i saw that the storm had not abated but somehow a peek of sunlight was shining through the gray sky onto me. I knew then that not only could God do anything, but that he really was interested in people’s lives.
Dear Hannah! It is obvious that God’s hand was on this article! I came across it, like most, from a FB page that I follow https://www.facebook.com/groups/399884910082700/?directed_target_id=0 Don’t know what shocked me more… how much I liked the article OR that the photos were taken by niece (Whitney). lol!
I certainly don’t have the answers, but am so excited for many things that came out of your article… 1. Awareness of how, even in Christian circles, we idolize marriage and place it over God. I think girls, in particular, are taught we NEED a HUman (our Disney movie prince:). 2. Truth that once you marry, it IS the one (there are actually CHRISTIANS that divorce based on the lie that there is someone better for them out there! Of course, they often times end up divorcing again). Very sad. 3. Awareness of the problem of people thinking they must be married to be complete (discussed in responses).
This guy is a good speaker and is saying exactly what you are saying, pretty much. I am divorced, unfortunately (from buying into Christian, cultural lies!), and was VERY convicted when he got to the part that said how many of us want to marry to be complete (and/or we want others to fill in for our weaknesses instead of working with God to overcome them).
Anyhoo — l get SO tired of hearing about the obesity epidemic! I often say… what about the divorce epidemic??? So, thank you for addressing this MAJOR issue in our culture!
Thanks for writing!
BLESSINGS!
Cheryl
I love Jefferson! He really does have some great things to say on this topic (and a lot of other topics!).
Have you seen the video with his wife (or read her blog) about how they met? She talked about how she was in her twenties before she ever dated and spent that time becoming closer to God. She talked about how she prayed for her future spouse. I think that proves that God knew those two were supposed to be together.
(:
Me too, Ashley! I did not even know he was married! Good info! I will look it up! Thanks! BLESSINGS!
Cheryl
This video is kind of ironic because his wife firmly believed in praying for “the one” – not to the extent of an idol but she wrote about how she read several Robin Jones Gunn books. RJG is a strong proponent of praying for God intentionally bringing you to the spouse he has for you. They even released a book together recently. I wonder what he thinks now.
Reblogged this on Orthodox Ruminations.
I don’t normally comment on these things but I just wanted to say that this very interesting to me because this weekend is me and my husbands first anniversary also and his name is James as well and this topic is something thati have thought about a few times before. The thing your dad told you sounded exactly like something that my dad,who is a pastor, would have said also. Anyway,I found this post encouraging and I thought it was kind of funny how it seemed like we had some things in common. Thank you for sharing your heart on this topic!
Nice work and a a great start to debunking some of those awful lies church tells girls. Like, “once you love Jesus more than anyone else, god will send you your husband.” Or, “if you have sex with someone you don’t marry you will not recover emotionally. It’ll ruin your future marriage.” Or “you should pray about EVERYTHING before you make a decision.” I’m with your parents – god didn’t care where I went to school, where I work, where I live. He cares way more that I’m not a jerk and an idiot.
what a sad, sad, sad commentary. You start out saying church teachings need to be debunked – and maybe some do – YET, you end up by saying God’s Word needs to be debunked………oh my! Let me quote you – -Or “you should pray about EVERYTHING before you make a decision.” I’m with your parents – god didn’t care where I went to school, where I work, where I live. He cares way more that I’m not a jerk and an idiot.”
I can promise you that if you live by that statement, you WILL be a jerk and an idiot. God’s love is so all encompassing as are His expectations for our call to holiness! He does care about all of these things BECAUSE HE says we are to pray about EVERYTHING, and we are to SEEK HIM in all things. and we ARE to WAIT ON HIM for everything……so if you don’t do those things, I guess you set yourself up for believing He does not care at all. I feel sad for you, esp if you are promoting that self absorption in having your own way, which is way happens when you believe God doesn’t care and off you go……….
I love this post. I think it is good for anyone to read, regardless of beliefs. I am an atheist but still I feel like this mindset is a good one to have. As a female who went through puberty and cried over a boy who did not like me…I was also told there is someone for everyone, if it’s meant to be it will be.
I think that thought process can be damaging, it can cause people to wait around for someone to make up their mind about how they feel, thus wasting (sometimes) years being miserable. Instead of just trying to find someone who can make you happy and who YOU choose to love and who makes the conscious decision to love you in return.
I am not religious – probably best described as agnostic – but I thought this was wonderfully written and could apply to anyone, not just those who consider themselves religious or followers of Christ (I grew up Catholic and have great respect for believers). So many people blame or credit fate for their life choices, and I think the part about consciously choosing your spouse every day is absolutely one of the best things ANYONE can do for their marriage.
this is a terrible article and a terrible teaching. maybe i’m too critical, but the Bible has specific examples where this article is not the case. I direct everyone to Hosea, which is an entire book that disproves the notions established. is it possible that someone is compatible with multiple people? sure, since different people can like the same things and have similar personalities. is it also possible that someone has a specific individual waiting for them? the Bible indicates that the answer is “yes”.
like others have mentioned, there are examples that go against this article. it’s important that everyone find out what god’s will is for their life, because marriage is a big step. deciding that we’re free to choose is acceptable – we ARE free to choose. but deciding to go to God with this question of who who who is always the better choice.
here is a challenge – does God know your future? yes, he does. does he already know who you will marry IF you continue on your present road? yes, he does. Does he know whether or not that marriage is ideal or the MAXIMUM potential that you could achieve? yes, and if you ask him he is entirely able to direct you onto the better path, onto a better road that leads to a more CHRIST-CENTERED marriage.
God knows all the parameters, and he knows EACH HEART better than anyone else. He knows me better than I know myself, he knows every woman I talk to better than I know them. He knows who is the ideal match, and he knows how to arrange our lives if we go to him with every aspect of our lives.
I find that people these days constantly talk about God God God, and they constantly sing his praises…but then when I look at their lives, I ask – What does God even do with you and for you, if you just do everything yourself and if you take advantage of your power of choice? Human choice has caused destruction and a divorce rate of over 50% in the churches. This is not to discourage anyone – this is just to hopefully encourage people to THINK about their views and what the BIBLE says. The Bible is key. 100% key.
And the Bible does not really agree with this article. Now, if some actual theologian disagrees with me, I’d be interested in seeing why.
I don’t know why you’re asking for an “actual theologian.” Everybody is a theologian. If you open your mouth and make a claim about God, existence, or humanity, you’re doing theology. To exclude those you see as inferior only perpetuates the arrogance that you display in your initial paragraph. I don’t know if you’d consider me an actual theologian. I go to a highly acclaimed Bible school with arguably the top Biblical studies department around. I have taken a diverse selection of theology classes and studied under some of the greatest theological minds today. But what does that mean? Nothing. The great irony is that you commit a basic hermeneutical blunder, citing a Biblical precedent and giving neither a passage or an exegesis on it. How does Hosea show the concept of “soul mates”? Hosea is the story of a Prophet (one who represents God to the people), trying to illustrate God’s undying and ever-pursuing love for His people, who choose to reject Him and whore themselves out to all who are around. That’s the story of Hosea.
To turn this book of scripture into a normative example of how relationships work and function would be to ignore context completely. It’s like taking Ezekiel and saying that Christian ministry ought to take place with us lying on our beds for years at a time prophesying to unrepentant peoples.
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Reblogged this on Blue Goldfish and commented:
God bless this loving couple
I do agree that Christians spend way too much time obsessi g about who God has chosen specifically for them to marry. God will lead us to the one whom He has created specifically for us. But to say that there is no biblical support for the idea that God has one person chosen for those who He will bless with marriage is simply not true. For what else does Psalm 139 speak of when it says that all my days were written in His book before even one of them began? Of course this would also include a wedding day (assuming that His plan for us is that we marry). However, I still think there is value in much of what is said here. Love is a daily choice. God bless you and your husband.
Hey, there! I partially agree with you. I agree that we do have a part in choosing who we marry and that we shouldn’t create some unrealistic spouse.
I do think that God should have a little more credit in it than you seem to be giving Him.
Yes, it’s YOUR marriage, but if we are living a life to please Him, we should marry the person He wants us to. That’s not to say that everyone is supposed to be married. I think it’s typically in His plan, but that’s a whole different story. I’m just saying that if God knows the plan He has for our lives, then He knows who we’re going to marry. Sure, there are several people that we may be compatible with, but GOD knows who is best for us.
You mentioned the verse in Jeremiah and said that it was addressed to a specific group at a specific time. If God had a plan for THEM, though, He has a plan for us too. God doesn’t change.
Our number one priority should be to live for Him, but if His plan involves us being married, then we should choose someone that would be pleasing to God.
Also, everyone may not have a light-beaming-from-Heaven-angels-singing-miraculous meeting with their spouse. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Some people may date twenty people before deciding to get married. Some people may spend years praying that God would show them the ONE they are supposed to be with and marry the first person they dated. Some people may be sent to an extreme country and it just not be in God’s will for them to marry. Everyone has their own story, but -regardless of what it is- GOD already knows it. To say that God doesn’t have a plan for us is completely wrong. If it’s in His plan for us to marry, then He DOES know it and it IS in His plan.
AMEN, God bless you.
Wow Hannah…I guess you hit a hot button!? I’ve come to the party late, it seems. But I’m thankful someone posted this on fb so I could read it. I’ve been married 22 years to a fabulous man that I chose to marry, not because he was “the one” but because he was a great one and I didn’t need to look any further. But our pastor told us in pre-marital counseling that there were probably hundreds of people we could have chosen to marry and had very fulfilling lives with. I agreed and I’ve always been puzzled by the “only one for me” crowd. Because if there’s only one person for each of us, what happens if a couple of us choose the wrong one…well then the whole world plan is thrown off? Ridiculous!
This whole concept has stayed with me all these years and I even made a point of having my characters discuss it in a novel I wrote. I’ve never seen it written anywhere tho, so I was thrilled to read your thoughts. Even down to the Jeremiah reference. There are verses in the Bible that are promises to Abraham and his descendants (which we are grafted into) but that is not one of them. It’s specific. Over the years, and especially the last year, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable when people use it as a blanket statement (and I’ll admit I’ve probably done it too!). I don’t know you, and I’m sure you had no idea what a “firestorm” you would be starting, but I’m proud of you for having the courage to say what many wouldn’t. I think you’re spot on, my dear! Thanks for sharing and Happy Anniversary!
Hannah, thank you for writing this article, it really offers a lot of encouragement and plenty of snorts and belly chuckles 🙂 I’m not an American or Caucasian, so i might not be able to relate to everything posted/commented here, but I am Christian. I wholly agree with the wisdom of your post, because its true.
There’s a very good example for me and they’re my parents. Their marriage was kind of arranged. They only dated once. They certainly went through lots of rocky times in their marriage. But they went into marriage willingly, with eyes wide open and have remained firmly committed to one another, something I am immensely grateful for. They’re really strong. And what is really amazing is how their loyalty to each other has given us, their children, a solid foundation in life. My mum once told me that “I could be a better person than her”. I didn’t really understand what she meant then, but now I do, a little. I think she meant that we could make less tragic mistakes in our lives, with both our parents to rely on.
Have shared your post with a friend and she likes it too 🙂
Thank you again for posting about something like this.
Am looking forward to seeing how much fuss this article kicks up, because it is going to.
AWESOME!! my husband burst my bubble with the same thinking as your dad when we where dating. I thought then that it was the most unromantic thing i’d ever heard, now i actually think it was one of the most romantic. As he often still tells me, and shows me, “love is a verb, its something we do, more than something we feel”
Wait a minute. Let’s consult God’s Word before we go tossing out our dreams. How about Genesis 24? Abraham sent a servant to find a wife for Isaac. He told the servant that an angel would be involved in the selection process so not to worry…the angel would reveal her identity. The servant prayed a very specific prayer and Rebekah responded in a very specific way. There was no doubt that Rebekah was THE ONE.
In Genesis 29 Jacob sees Rachel and he is in love. Done deal. He worked for 14 years to win her…why couldn’t he just settle and decide to love Leah everyday??? Because he was flat out IN LOVE with Rachel for crying out loud. She was his soul-mate. And guess what? Joseph was not Leah’s son but Rachel’s. God knew what love meant. God blessed true love. There are many examples of those in the Bible who married for the wrong reasons…David, Solomon, etc. And those stories don’t go so well.
We are to ask God when seeking the Love Of Our Lives and seek His perfect plan. So I will go on believing in the Princess Bride, in Cinderella, Joshua Harris, and in Snow White. They are timeless stories because we have within us a deep sense that there is such a thing as true love. And that is because there really is such a thing! Read God’s Word and find the timeless evidence of God’s desire for us to wait for His choice for our lives and not settle for anything less.
And another thing…when people make marriage less than it really is, they minimize God and His plan. God chose us. He loves us. He is crazy in love with us and dances over us like a whirling dervish. Zeph. 3:17 Is 62:5 We are the apple of His eye. Marriage has always been the best visual aid this side of heaven of His commitment, purpose, and one-ness with His Chosen Bride. He is the Bridegroom and we are the Bride. Song of Songs. Destiny. Sorry but this young blogger has tarnished marriage with sad “littleness.” God and His big idea for marriage is so much bigger.
Hahaha Joshua Harris!!!.. i too refuse to give up the idea of my God chosen husband…
I think your dad is a rock star. I have a lot of wise, biblically-led friends who believe in The One. What I see in Scripture is instruction on how to be a wife and how to be a husband, but not on how to go about the treasure hunt to find The One and Only One. And what if you marry someone other than The One? The purpose of marriage is to sanctify us and to give us a picture of Christ and His church. Choose wisely and according to His instructions (equally yoked, for instance), and then be the wife you’re called to be, whatever your new last name is!
what a beautiful post. I stumbled across your post off of facebook and I was actually just talking to my friend tonight about marriage and love and all that. i was saying that I hope one day God brings someone for to marry but after reading your post I guess that not very true. I guess that God sort of helps and that he cares but that he doesn’t make the entire decision for us. I have been single my whole life and i have never dated anyone. I go to a christian college and its annoying sometimes to see everyone in relationships and getting married and stuff. just tonight two of my friends posted pictures of their engagement photos. I was happy for them but sometimes I wonder when its going to be my turn. I am trying to be content in my singleness but sometimes its SO hard. Anyway, Thank you for your post and for being brave enough to say the things you did 🙂 I am a new follower and I cannot wait to see what else you have to share with us. Blessings!
Jessica
http://mybeautifulli.blogspot.com/
This is a wonderful article. I have met non christians that think christians have their heads in the clouds and are not realistic. Your point a view could not have been more realistic.
Interesting perspective. In terms of your statement, “There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry,” how do you categorize the story of Issac and Rebekah?
You people amaze me. Has Abraham come up to your servant lately and said an angel from God will direct him, and the servant decides to pick the first woman who offers him water? If so,then yes, the story of Issac and Rebekah is applicable to your marriage. How about David and Abigail? Is that a good way to find a spouse? What’s the campfire pledge for that one?
Reblogged this on eMPower.
Reblogged this on Planes and Plantains.
So glad to have seen this! Exactly what’s been going on through my head lately. But also a bit about Gods plan for our lives. I used to think there was this perfectly structured plan (go to this school, live in this town, have these friends, study for this career, work in this exact career path) when now I feel more that His entire plan is for us to love Him and love others. Without ruling out that there are some choices and decisions that are better for us, these decisions are the ones that will bring out our love for Him and others more.
When I talked to my boyfriend about this his response was “Duh”! I think they totally get this area more. Glad to see there’s other girls out there who think like I do, and aren’t afraid to share it 🙂
A wonderful post – thank you.
I cheered when I read that paragraph with your father’s advice. He sounds amazing. Hurrah for theologian biblical scholar fathers!
You’re a very wise woman. Thank you for sharing (:
I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I say Kudos to your parents for raising such a wise young woman. I am 59 yrs old…and I think that with age wisdom does come. I believe God places people in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. He still gives us the power of thinking and choosing which of those it happens to be. No person is perfect…far from it, therefore, to believe that someone to be a “soulmate” and be the perfect person for you is a bit far fetched. Marriage does not just happen…it is something that takes a lifetime of working on (and an enormous sense of humor) because we are all different and to live with someone and love them means that you must be willing to give and take,…not just give…or just take. I think you will do well in your life…firstly because you have faith in the Lord and because you are a wise woman!! God bless you and your marriage and many thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom!! It has even provoked much thought to a woman my age!! (We are never to old to learn things!)
I love this! thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I have 2 19 year old boys and a 16 year old daughter. you can bet that I will be thinking about what you have wrote when they start to get serious about dating. definitely what matters is that once we have said “I do” to our spouse, is that it is ” I don’t” to anyone who may come along.
I am married since 30 years, and I actually had a ten point list that my husband should match. Well he did. I definitely thought he was “the One”. Can somebody please explain this in a spiritual way?
Hi Anne!
I think it’s about faith and God’s blessing. So many places in scripture say that God knows us in and out, he knows exactly what we need, every day is written, etc. Also, the bible says over and over that he hears and answers our prayers. The most consistent thing I see Jesus talking to people about individually is this matter of faith. He applauded those who dared to believe God would do what they most desired and that he had the authority to make it happen. He even allowed Peter to walk on water! I love the simplicity and humility of your post; it is the power of testimony. Years ago my sister mentioned this concept to me–I say concept, but it was actually just a testimony of her praying specifically for something and getting just that. I was looking to buy my first home and decided to do the same thing. My husband who wasn’t even into church at the time and I made a list of what we wanted/needed and prayed. It was very simple. Weeks laster we nearly bought a house that was just ok. It was what was on the market at the time, but a couple of things weren’t right about it. I was pretty upset, but I had to pull the plug. That afternoon, a house came on the market, and I told my realtor we would take a look the following day. We were blown away. For the same price as the previous home, almost every item on our list was checked. Before noon that day, the house was ours and the sale went though that month. (Of course we still have to pay for it every month, but sometimes we need God’s help with that too.) To speak to the awesomeness of God, he threw in a bonus we didn’t have on our list. It turned out an acquaintance lived around the corner. We have kids about the same age, and we were both pursuing the Lord. And, we both felt called to homeschool our kids. We’ve since become best friends. God is amazing!
Thank you for your answer, and for encouraging me! I do believe that God can speak things to you like in my case. Maybe it was the simple voice of God, maybe it was the gift of faith or the word of knowledge or both. My husband also had a list, 9 out of 10 points were true about me. I described his hair color, his eye color, his height, the way he was built, and of course a list of spiritual things that I prefer not sharing here. But I do not believe in just trying to copy this as a method. Faith cannot be copied. The Egyptians drowned when trying to copy the Israelites.
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I’m not surprised you have so many responses. WOW. I’m a happily married woman and I agree. A happy fulfilling marriage is a daily choice, but one I think is only truly possible when God is at the center, no matter who the spouse is. Wonderful words.
Well said. I hope my two boys marry a committed Christian girl just like my amazing wife, their mother–and who looks a lot like you!!
I really liked this article! Religious or not, I hope more people heed the wisdom presented here. Love and marriage can be too idealized and romanticized which leads to unrealistic expectations. Marriage is hard work, even when it is sunshine and rainbows. The state of your marriage/relationship lies in the hands of those who enter the relationship, they hold the power to determine its course.
Spot on love. I find that this idea of “the one god has for me” has often hurt more of my friends than helped them. Cause as they wait and don’t bother dating they get more agitated that God hasn’t shown them said person and then some of them got bitter at God. Fair play on going out and finding your man! 🙂
Also your dad is a legend!!!!
This was just what I needed to hear. Life is not a fairytale but a reflection of daily choices we CHOOSE to make. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world… it is impacting people more than you know.
Well said! Reminds me of a quote…”Choose your love. Love your choice.” — Thomas S. Monson
Lol! This was me about 16 years ago too. I’m so glad that I figured this out as well. Thanks for putting into words. I need to tuck this away for me to share with my baby boys once they are in teenage angst. It’s solid advice to tell guys and gals of dating age everywhere to love God and obeys his commands first, then just have fun and the rest will somehow fall into place!
I totally agree with your post. A friend once told me the same thing you said, you choose the ONE in your life. It can be many people and when you choose them they become the ONE. Great article.
As an atheist and child of the 90s/early2000s/evangelical movements, I thoroughly enjoyed this opinion piece. I literally laughed out loud when you brought up “I kissed dating goodbye” because I can relate to that experience so well. This is the first religious article I’ve read in a long time that I’m not cringing the whole time, and I hope you take that as a compliment. Thank you for describing marriage in such a beautiful and inclusive way. That being said, don’t worry this doesn’t mean your an atheist just because one agrees with you ! Your opinion hasn’t been tainted.
Lyssie, if you don’t mind me asking, what made you decide to become an Atheist? *Just an honest question* 🙂
I don’t follow your blog, but a Facebook friend posted this. I was raised as a Baptist in central Illinois and had quite a similar ‘evangelical teen’ experience. My life centered around this obsession with finding the right ‘husband’ until I was about 20 and I realized, “I’m not close to getting married; I’m crushed. I guess I have to study harder so I can support myself…” Although my beliefs have changed drastically about the whole concept of marriage and I do not go to church, I really appreciate your words and advocacy on making marriage something of ‘your own’ and truly deciding what you and your significant other need to make a successful relationship. It fascinates me how others decide who your perfect mate should be and what qualities they should possess, but when you are a 20-something single, those same people critique you for not being married (almost like they would rather you marry out of desperation instead of being single!). It is hard to communicate to those people that everyone is entitled to create a life that works for them, but I think you have hit the nail on the head with this post! Thank you!
This is an awesome article/post obviously written by a very well taught and loved woman who’s father gave her a great foundation…I truly enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for being willing to share something so personal…
Reblogged this on Letters to God and commented:
you know what? you’re an inspiration.
Very interesting and insightful words. Thank goodness that you don’t have to find that one illusive partner and that there is only one for each of us. Otherwise there would be tickets if you make a wrong choice! We serve a God who give second chances and in the end it is up to us to choose. I really hope this message get spread because there are so much pressure on single people that many if them are way too afraid to even try a relationship therefor ending up single and, while I believe you can be very happily single and fulfilling God’s purpose for your life, missing out on the blessing of being married and raising God serving children.
Nice post, and well written. One thing bothered me though, I think you meant “elusive” but typed “illusive” instead.
Wow! I’ve been in search for an answer and you’ve enlightened me.. Felt like church made me make so many rules.. It makes more sense now
I sincerely appreciate this!! Haha I’ve had two awesome men of God tell me they “thought I was the one God had for them” …I wasn’t feeling it and turned them both down!
It’s just refreshing to read this and see someone else say that you can live your life and still be happy without over spiritualizing everything to make it seem forced.
And your glitter herpes comment I will definitely remember because that hilarious!!
I love this. I don’t think the Lord would ever bring a sould mate into our life. The one person that would meet your needs on every level. The Lord wants to be that for us. He doesn’t want us seeking it in human relationships. And you are right choices affect everything. So, if “God’s Will” for my life happened to die in an accident from making a bad choice I am out of luck and will never be marrie. Don’t think so 🙂
Tt
I think a spouse is like a pair of shoes. They have to be in the general ballpark of being a good fit before you make your purchase but they will only fit perfectly after you have walked with them awhile.
This post could have been written by myself, aside from the fact that I’m not as good of a writer. 😉 My “soul mate” was a boy in a Christian punk rock band. My HUSBAND, is a godly, handsome chiropractor with great leadership skills who loves me as Christ loved the church. Thank God for His perfect plans, and for giving us the mind of Christ to make good decisions.
“God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.”
Your Dad rocks!
I have two girls ages 2 and 4. I like the ideas of the youth group direction and God has a plan for you. The way you lived your life made you the person you became with your husband today. I want my girls to have those youthful ideals and give them time and patient to not make the wrong choices. The longer they wait for their soul-mate the more mentally developed and life experienced they will become. Those years of waiting for the ideals may keep them away from the hormone filled boys with bad intentions. In truth I don’t feel that there is one man for each of them. I am sure they could live very fulfilled lives with and number of men that may cross their paths. I will try to teach them the differences in a man who flatters her and a man who complements, one who spends money on her and one who invest in her, one who views her as property v’s properly. one who lust after her v’s one who loves her and one who thinks he is a gift to women v’s she is a gift to him. (not mine plagiarizing) I guess what I am saying is lets not pop the bubble to quickly it okay to hold out for a sole-mate there is no rush and they will figure out they have to compromise later.
This is beautiful. Thank you for writing it.
Just wanted to say thank you for taking me back to my own warped theology.. and clarifying what I believe now at age 58. The perfect man is not out there and god does give. us choices. Marriage is about commitment.
I forwarded this to my niece. My take is this – Even if God divinely, supernaturally puts 2 people together, those 2 people still have a God-given responsibility to build the thing and that takes time, effort, sacrifice, prayer and a bunch of other things I can’t think of right now.
Dr. Laura is right when she says, “Choose wisely – Treat kindly”
It’s not “maintenance free” – you have to change the oil and replace a battery every once in a while!
Good point about the search for the husband, and Jeremiah 29:11 not applying to people generally. (If it does, shouldn’t we curses in Jer 29:17 to apply to everyone?)
Clearly, there is reason to think that God is providential and sovereign, but this does not mean that God is the one primarily responsible everyones life and marriage. God is ultimately responsible, and if one probes any deeper, we’ll need to define terms more precisely.
THANK YOU! Being 14 this just saved me about 10 years of being in the wrong way of thinking. I think this is as close to perfect as you can get without Jesus writing it himself. 😀
Loved your post. Having grown up in church and living my entire teenaged life pretty much the way you lived yours, it has taken me some time to come to the same conclusion – too often we take away the responsibility and consequences of our choices and put it all on God. After losing the man I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with to cancer, I have no doubt God sent a few men who could very well have been ‘the one’ but I chose to be with my now-husband. That’s the beauty of free will.
THANK YOU for speaking truth!!! I want to share this with everyone I know! I have been trying to express this for so long, and everyone just dismisses me. God is our portion and our reward, our ONLY soul mate. We were not meant to “complete each other”. We are meant to be filled and completed by God through relationship and worship in spirit and truth. Our relationship with Christ should be our focus, our goal, and our ultimate prize, not a means to another end. Definitely bookmarking and sharing this! Gorgeous photos too, btw! God bless your marriage.
“My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love (in theory, don’t imagine that many others were lined up and knocking at the door). He is not some illusive soul mate, not some divine fullfulment, not some perfect step on the rigorously laid out but of so secret “Plan for My Life.”
But he is the person that I giggly chose to go out on a date with in college. He is the person who chose to not dump me when I announced that I was moving to France for a year, then Kentucky for another year. He is the person who asked me to move to DC and I chose to do so. He is the person who decided to ask me to marry him and I agreed. At any step here, we could have made other choices and you know what? We might have married other people, or stayed single, and had happy and full lives.
But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.
I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.”
There is very little I agree with in this entire article. I disagree with your dad’s exegesis of the scripture in Jeremiah, and I think all of us (I’m about your age) that went through that 90’s-2000s era could have used a little dose of reality from a Titus 2 woman, without having to slam on the “soulmate” word.
I AM married to (and this is just a semantics thing) my soulmate. And I praise God that he led me to him. After dating half of the US (or so it seemed, many Christian men came and went), my husband may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me.
I think helping my two daughters dream correctly and PRAY for the ONE MAN God has for them will be one of the best things I can do for them.
I’m afraid that this is an unbalanced view on God and His sovereignty and I’m sad that it is receiving such huge accolades.
This paragraph REALLY bugged me:
“But then my theologian biblical scholar father shattered my dreams by informing me that God doesn’t have a husband for me, doesn’t have a plan for who I marry. NOT TRUE I scolded him, attacking him with the full force of Jeremiah 29:11 that God “knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,” and obviously that means a hott Christian husband because God “delights in giving me the desires of my heart.” He slammed through my horrible (yet popular) biblical abuse by reminding me that the first verse applied to the people of Israel in regards to a specific time and just didn’t even dignify my horrible abuse of the second verse with a rebuttal.”
Honestly, if what your dad is saying is true, then NONE of the old testament verses would apply to us now, right? Since ALL of them were directed at specific people or groups of people! I just have such a huge issue with this! If we believe this, then doesn’t that mean the Old Testament is nothing more than a huge history book, and we shouldn’t take away from anything it says because it was not meant for us directly?
think upon this…. the NT says that ALL Scripture is given for teaching… etc… go find that verse, search The Word to see how the OT and NT are integrated.
Thank you for sharing! This is what I tell my kids. I sent your article to them.
I don’t know if someone said this already (I didn’t read every comment), but I think part of the reason that the idea of a soulmate or a “the one God has for me” might be flawed or problematic is that part of the underlying assumption is, “if I find the soulmate, ‘the one God has for me’, my marriage will work out and I will be happy”. I would disagree with this assumption and propose that it is the power of God/Jesus/HS working in you and through you that makes your marriage work (although I think having a good level of compatibility in personality, values, and goals would make you experience of marriage a little more fun). I know a man who felt like when he met his wife that “it was God” (setting it up and leading him to it and all) and now he’s in the process of getting divorced from her. So, I think finding the “one right person” is no guarantee of marital success or happiness…that depends on your character (and maybe partly on compatibility).
very nice writing. My kids are getting quite a kick out of this post and forwarded it to me. I got them “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” and some of them actually read it. Tried doing the same for my grandkids but my daughter stopped me. Don’t, she said.
If you see this i would want your opinion on something.
For a couple of months now i have been dealing with “the future husband thing” A couple of months back a guys name was constantly coming to mind whenever i talked about relationships and future relationships. I didn’t know why i didn’t like him,but i had liked him before. I asked God why he kept coming to mind and if it could stop it was annoying almost lol.
It didn’t and i asked God if he wanted me to like him help me because i really didn’t want to so much. I have grown feelings for him. I pray almost everyday about him or whom ever my future husband might be. I did realize i have a problem with wanting to be in a relationship all the time so i have decided not to date until the end of the school year and concentrate more on Jesus and i’s relationship more then with a man.
But me and this person have grown closer. At the same time i asked God if this is what he want’s make it happen and if its not close the door. The guy is leaving soon and i thought maybe its God closing the door or maybe he wants it to wait because the guy isn’t exactly sure if he’s going to stay away for long. But then at the same time i could possibly be leaving to go to a college that’s almost 8 ours away from where i live. I just all this confusion in my head and i know confusion is not of God. Then i’ve also have possible feelings for another guy. I think it might just be me wanting to be with someone but idk. Like i said a bunch of confusion. I guess i’m asking what do you think?
HI Beth,
Thanks for sharing the difficult situation you have described. In the Bible there are verses that were made into a very famous song “To every thing there is a season.” Our lives are much like that. Right now you are in school and preparing for college. This is a very pivotal time where you are expanding your horizons and becoming educated. Don’t jump into anything just to have someone. My sister had a great career but was disappointed because she never met any men that she really liked. She prayed but still didn’t meet anyone. When she was 36 she met, fell in love, got married, had a son, and is celebrating 22 years of marriage this year! What if she had jumped into a relationship because she was tired of waiting?
While you may want to be in a relationship, you don’t need that right now. Concentrate on becoming the woman that God wants you to be. Enjoy school and your friends. Develop characteristics that will make you a person that others admire.
Best of luck and God’s Blessings,
Linda
Thank you for your comment i very much appreciate all you have said God bless you also
Hey Hannah! Someone may have already posted this comment, but unfortunately, I don’t have time to read through the 800+ comments 🙂 I just wanted to say that, as a young woman, this post speaks to me in some recent situations I’ve had with feeling like I have to pick one of two guys, and worrying that I’ll pick the wrong One, and ruin everything. But in where I get my peace, we may disagree. I’m not sure on all your theological stances, or if you meant to say this, but it sounds like you’re saying that God doesn’t know who we are going to marry? No, I don’t we are robots, BUT – God is sovereign! I believe He knows EXACTLY who I am going to marry, and knew it since the beginning of the world – but I don’t have to worry about finding some mysterious “One” or the perfect “soul mate” because, 1) I trust that God will bring about the “right” marriage, and 2) once we are married, even if at some times I may feel like I messed up and missed my “soul mate” (which I agree, there is no such thing in the Hollywood sense of the world), I can trust that that was God’s will for my life and no other. And we may agree on this, but it just sounds like you were saying that God does not know who we will marry, which to me sounded absolutely ridiculous.
In Christ,
Lizzy
I think she ment more of God doesn’t have that one person he wants you to be with and you need to be with him. Yes God knows all and knows who you will marry or if you will marry, all depending on the choices you make. I like to look at it like a tree of life each branch has two choices or maybe a few and whatever choice you make will lead to another branch. Like the two guys your deciding about its a branch and if you pick one guy it could lead one branch that has decisions to make and if if you pick the other guy it could lead you to total different decisions. But God has it all map out knows what choices you have and what will happen in each choice.
Thanks for your comment, Beth! Unfortunately, I believe we are going to have to disagree on this topic. From my study of Scripture, which I admit has not been focused on this subject, I have seen no such indication of me being the one to decide how this two branch route turns out. While different choices might indeed lead to different lives, I believe God is the one who already knows which branch I will chose, not just the consequences of each. And yes, my understanding of sovereignty versus freewill is still growing, but I do know that there are several verses speaking to God’s sovereignty in the Word – including, I believe, Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (ESV) Does marriage not fall under “all things”? But I would love to hear your thoughts on this passage, and the rest of my comment. As I said, my understanding is still growing. 🙂
I’m just like you i’m still growing and in all honesty(like i said it was only an opinion of mine). I do believe you could be more correct then me. I’ve learned as a christian someones opinion really doesn’t matter unless it’s biblical. I do think the branch thing still counts but like you said God knows what we will choose i guess i meant more of we don’t know what could happen but he knows what would happen if we did choose the other branch. Even though he knows we wont. But like i said still learning.
This post made me very sad. I appreciate the idea that we shouldn’t become new age with our beliefs (i.e make a list of attributes we want in a man, and wait for God to send us that man). But Hannah, please remember that for some people, God is the only hope they have. They don’t have the luxury of hoping in their accomplishments, or their beauty or anything else. “My hope is in You all day long.” (ps 25:5) That’s how I get through every day. And I tell myself every day, that God cares about my desires. That He knows the number of hairs on my head, and that I am more valuable than sparrows. I remind myself of the story of Ruth and Boaz, of Jacob and Rebecca. I tell myself, that if God cares enough about the hairs on my head, and if not one sparrow falls to the ground without the knowledge of the Father, than surely not one man will enter my life without his knowledge either. I don’t just reassure myself with this, its how I get through every day. I know that the Lord places the lonely in families (psalm 68:6), and surely it is He (the Lord) that does it, and not I, and not my attributes.
Hannah, I am so glad for you that you found someone wonderful to spend your life with, and that you had many potential men to choose from, and your spouse probably had many women to choose from as well. I’m glad that out of the wisdom that the Lord gave you you were able to make a decision that you were (are) happy with. But please be careful to say that the Lord does not involve himself intimately in these decisions. Because I’m hoping very much that he does.
Hilary, I heard a quote: “Faith is the step between promise and assurance.” We all live in different seasons and when someone expresses their take on the season they are in, it doesn’t necessarily apply anyone else season, other than the understanding the we are in a season and God will change that at some point. You are in a season of full moment-to-moment dependency on God seemingly looking for a sense of assurance. On day you will be in a season of full-assurance and not necessarily clinging to Him daily for each day’s success, but walking in strong relationship with the Holy Spirit in n intimate constant conversation on what to do next. Hannah is in a season of revelation from her place with the Lord, and what she says is true and liberating for those who have walked in that season and are now beyond it, Her father spoke to her across the distant from his season of life to hers…and it was a great leap. God is in charge of the seasons, we are responsible for the “seeking” the next one and beyond.
Your words resonate with me greatly, but I assure you that you are in a season and you must not cling to it, but seek to leave it for the next season. I understand clinging to a pole in a heavy storm because that’s all you can do, but this too shall pass and the next season will give wisdom and assurance about the journey through all previous seasons.
When does God build trust in us most: In the day to day experiences with Him manifesting thru His word and the work of The Holy Spirit or in the desert where doesn’t seem to answer for long desperate periods of time? The answer is Both. One gives dimension to the other like light explains darkness.
Trust does not require understanding.
Be blessed!
The morning of my wedding to my husband of 9 years my Mother asked me “is he THE ONE?” My response was “he is now!” More people need to understand this level of commitment.
Dang…it took me a while to scroll all the way to the bottom to post my comment…..lol I appreciate that you choose to love your husband everyday. As youth we get caught up in this feeling of love as though we have no control and it seeps into adulthood. We have control and we can grow love with understanding and communication.
I posed a question regarding the “soul mate” take a look when you can.
-Precise
Reblogged this on holistic hummingbird and commented:
Cute story about love and soulmates…
Reblogged this on Reflecting You..
This post helped and will continue to help so many people gain perspective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and revelation
read this and caution to prayerfully consider. Love is a choice, marriage is work, God does have plans but you have to listen. I think the best thing you can do is seek Him, ask Him to make you the best you. Then pray for the best match for you, giving you wisdom and peace on knowing it’s them when you find them. Two become one does not mean you are incomplete when single, think in terms of The Trinity, Three in One, each whole seperate but a greater force together. Mate-someone that is to help, to become a team for The Kingdom.
I love this piece!
Quite inspiring!
God bless u!
“my husband is not my soulmate”……..it seems I am not alone which is nice to know…..and you ahve written about the thoughts of so many women so beautifully Hannah! THANK YOU!
Great post. I think I’m one of the very few people that read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and found it interesting but subjective. I’m happily single and plan to be for at least another 30 years and have always questioned “THE ONE” concept. I think there’s truth to it, but truth as in which path to take etc. Once we take it, with prayer and supplication, what it holds is God ordained and blessed. For though we truly don’t deserve it, God trusts us because of His Son.
Love your dad’s advice and wisdom…. so, so, very true from one theologian to another. Heh.
I also agree that having those experiences (my tight knit, couldn’t live a day without youth group) made me more dependent (on God) and capable woman (of God). It’s those of us that lived through it, that can look back and point out the craziness of it all with love and gratefulness, knowing full well that the experience shaped us but doesn’t define us. It’s an aspect of Grace that I never forget to be amazed I had the privilege to live.
Again, great post and thank you.
Thanks for popping my bubble. Even a forty year old has a life time of maturing ahead in life. So thanks again! Time for a mind change and to become more like Christ. BTW that’s really what I’ve always wanted anyway. ;o)
I think we have to be careful to “rightly divide the Word” when it comes to articles that become “huge hits” on facebook. I definitely agree with her in some things, but the article is quite contradictory in some points. One thing I can agree with is that we may pray for the person we want to marry now, “whoever they may be”, and whether God decides to answer that or not. It’s simply about putting God first, not just in marriage, but in every aspect of our lives. We were made for His honor and glory, not to get married. But God does know the desires of our heart, and if He decides to grant it, then thank Him. If He doesnt, then thank Him still.
I dont think its right that all of a sudden, we laugh at ourselves for dreaming about that day or wanting a person to be a certain way. It doesnt mean that we are bad for thinking that way, and it also doesnt mean that people who have certain desires of what they want or dream about necessarily go out and act on it.
Every thing needs to be taken with wisdom and caution, and also consideration in how they say something.
I completely agree with you.
The same train of thought can be applied to what you study in college, or what job to choose.
I am new to WordPress but found your blog under “top blogs” 🙂 there must be a reason! Your post with this topic is awesome! I have been married going on 18 years now and we committed to each other in holy matrimony in 1996 spending $1,000 for the entire wedding because it’s all we had! at 19 and 20 we were still kids (and still are 🙂 ) but we’ve had 3 of our own together, now 9,11, and 13, and our marriage has grown stronger each year because we BOTH want it to! Thank you for sharing and I look forward to following your adventures in family more in your future posts.
Your premise is a little onesided, but great that you’ve started the journey out of the young person’s happy bubble so many christians get stuck in and realised life is about personal choices. The reason I say it’s one sided is that I personally did see a vision of my wedding day and with enough detail then when I prayed whether the girl I was dating was ‘the one’ God reminded me of the picture he gave me years before and it was undoutedly her. Similarly a friend of mine had very specific words from God about his future wife’s size, personality and height – all of which came true. I’d leave you with this…. perhaps just because it’s your personal experience – it’s not everyone’s. Good Bless you and I hope you weather the trials in marriage well and it’s a life long joy and strength to you both.
Hannah,
You’ve done a wonderful job of writing this post, but I have mixed feelings about your theology. I’m a woman who has two grown kids and is about to celebrate her 24th wedding anniversary and I see things a trifle differently.
First, thank you for addressing the issue of young women getting so caught up in dreaming about Mr. Right. I see this too much, and when I was single I did it myself. It wasn’t until I put my dreams of Mr. Right on the altar of sacrifice and started focusing on letting God be my all in all that Mr. Right showed up. And I’m immensely thankful that he didn’t show up before that time! I’m concerned that young women are letting the dream of Mr. Right become their idol and will find marriage to be a great disappointment when their “god” isn’t all they thought he would be.
I also applaud your efforts to show that God gives us free will to make choices and to incur the blessings or the consequences of those choices. Also, kudos to your father for insisting that scriptures be taken in the context in which they are written.
The problem I have is that your theology seems to be exclusive so that everything becomes our own choice and nothing comes from the hand of God. Maybe that isn’t what you meant, but it seems that way. My own experience in life speaks something different.
I dated multiple men before finding my true love. Yes, I could have chosen to marry any of them and, in fact, did choose to marry a couple of them. But thankfully God intervened so that didn’t happen. I was going full throttle in the direction of marriage and it was only an intervention of God that kept me from marrying those guys. After that, I spent years focusing on God and praying about my future husband, and eventually God brought us together. I know that God spared me from what would have been a miserable life with the others and brought me together with the man who had the same heart for God that I did.
On another front, I’ve seen God “choose” the college for both me and my children. I was already accepted to a nursing school when my parents got word that they were being transferred to another state. I didn’t want to go with them, but chose to listen to their counsel and go, which meant going to a different nursing school than where I would choose to go. What a blessing! This turned out to be so much better than my original choice.
For both of my kids, God made it abundantly evident in multiple ways that He wanted them at a specific college (a different one for each kid). Both colleges were completely out of our price range and He made a way where there was no way. My choice would have been for them to stay home and go to community college for a couple of years and then transfer to a university because that is what we could afford and they were fine with that choice. But God clearly led us in another highly specific direction and confirmed His will in a myriad of ways.
All that to say, while I agree that much of life is choices, I sincerely believe that God leads and directs us to the path He knows is the best one for us if we allow Him to do it. If our hearts are right and we are walking in fellowship with Him, He will lead us, guide us, and bring us to the right choices in life. The scripture is full of both examples of this and instructions on how we can benefit from God’s guidance. He leads, but we have a choice to follow or not. Just like as a parent, I lead and guide my children in the way that I believe will be best for their lives, but the choice is theirs to make. I wouldn’t dream of leaving them out on their own to make all the choices in life without a little guidance from someone who loves them dearly and can see down the path further than they can. I want only the best for them and God wants only the best for us as well, and if we are willing, He will lead us to it.
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Thank you for your courageous, refreshing realism and honesty! Like you, I would not call my husband my soul mate- I reject the concept. I chose a man with whom I could build a solid, enduring marriage- not a caricature of someone’s dreams. He is, however, my partner, best friend, protector, and I choose to love him every day- even when he gets on my nerves. To us, love is an act of the will, not an overwhelming feeling outside one’s volition. I married a sinner, and so did he.
I look forward to reading more posts on this forum. : )
Great post!!! Totally nailed it with the “letters to future husband thing”…. Been there!
I just want to say, I think your dad rocks! What awesome advice.
Thank you for writing and sharing. I am a mother of three, two beautiful daughters and pray for their futures as you mentioned, but never have found the words of Grace to say what have so beautifully said. Now, I can , put Godly words to why my husband and I commit each and everyday and that loving someone wholly and completely is not a fairy tale laid out in our dreams and prayers. Thank you Gods Blessings
Please remember that people hope for loved ones of the same sex as well as the opposite sex. I think that if you have to “choose every day” to be in love or not with your husband, maybe there’s something amiss with that love. Factors can affect that love, but I personally feel you never fully lose all love for a person, the love simply changes form. I still love my ex-husband, for example, as the person who gave me a child. I love him for being a mostly decent human being and I hope for his happiness. At the same time, I love and adore my (current and hopefully forever) husband.
I would also love to add….being religious does not make a person a “good” person…what is in their heart does that. I believe that the definition of “soul mate” is perhaps different for everyone. For me, it means someone that my soul has chosen to spend time with in this lifetime. Our souls have agreed to meet, and what we do with that opportunity is up to us.
What’s more interesting to me than the theological implications here are the marital “street smarts” and wisdom you have just one year into marriage (apparently your dad had it figured out). I can relate to a lot of the marriage-worshiping Christian culture you describe. I helped my Christian friend bury a sappy soul-mate proposal letter to his future wife (whom he hadn’t met yet) on Catalina Island and filmed the proposal 8 years later after he’d met “the one” (fiftyfootfilms.com->screening room->hidden camera proposal). I married my soul-mate almost 11 years ago. During pre-marital counseling in my own marriage I gave lip-service to the “marriage takes work” but the reality of what that means was completely buoyed by the pre-marital love (and anticipation of sex). Nothing wrong with feeling you’ve found your soul mate and I’m grateful to have that feeling but in the past decade most of my christian friends who married their soul mates are divorced. Like 80%. I’m seeing higher divorce rate in Christian marriage than in Non. The past 5 years of my marriage has been primarily focused on raising 3 small children and has had very little to do with the driving forces behind why we got married (romantic love, attraction, a feeling of compatibility, a touch of destiny/God’s will and the anticipation of sex). My experience it that real day-to-day marriage has very little to do with those things, and I applaud your “daily choice”, non-romantic perspective. I believe it will serve you both well in your relationship. And if/when you hit a bumpy spot check out Imago (Harville Hendrix) as a therapeutic approach as it further expounds on this perspective and is a non-touchy-feely, action-oriented approach to relationships that has been a great help to me in my marriage to my lovely wife Kristine.
I think your dad is pretty awesome.
This is coming to me at a time with my husband and I are going through a rocky time. I’ve heard time and time again that marriages go through hills ad valleys, but our’s was the never the marriage that was going to do that. Well, it did. And is.
One metaphor I heard recently is about marriage being a house. And when you get married, you go into the house, lock the door, and throw out the key. If there happens to be a fire in the house at any time, you do your best to put out the fire. Will there be some damage? Yes, but over a small amount of time it can be repaired. However, if you choose to run out of the house and watch your house burn down, it could go down in flames and not be repairable. There might be so much damage that you decide to not rebuild there. I’ve been feeling a lot lately that I’m the only one in the house trying to get out the fire while he’s outside watching it go down in flames. But, I’ve been working on trusting God to help me become a person who desires to put my all into Him because he’s the only one who can suffice all my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
So, thank you for posting this. I needed it today as my husband and I are getting ready this week to have a talk about “living space” (as he calls it).
Thank you so much for sharing!
You’ve put into words things that I’ve been thinking for awhile. I’m currently married to a man that is nothing like my “hypothetical husband” of years past. I wrote letters to my HH, prayed for him (which I still think is an okay thing to do, haha), and even recited my #1 quality in him being that he loves God more than me.
That sad thing about it was that I didn’t think we needed anything else in common besides our faith. I use to think, “He has to be able to at least tolerate my love for Lord of the Rings and Anime.” Which is terrible. If I had married someone who “tolerated” the things I love, it would not have ended well.
Jeremiah 29:11 is still one of my favorite verses. I feel like it has continued foundation in the idea that God knows everything that was, is, and is to come. It’s brought me a lot of comfort outside of my lack of a romantic life before I met my now-husband, haha.
Again, thanks for sharing and I wish you and your not-soulmate the absolute best God has for you 🙂
God has led me to my soul mate. And there is a Scriptural basis for this! Isaac and Rebecca.
Brilliantly written, funny and very thought provoking. I liked everything about it, thank you for sharing!!! Keep on choosing to love your husband, God is smiling on you (this is also not really a direct Bible quote).
http://fastmission.blogspot.com/
I relate so much to this! Thank you for sharing! My fiance and I have talked about this soul mate thing as well, and we agree! Also, I’m getting married in 5 days and recently blogged about my feelings leading into my marriage, and as I read your post, it reminded me of the same vulnerability that I write with sometimes. It was so refreshing! I know almost nothing about you (aside from this one post), but I’m still gonna say that I’m pretty sure if we lived in the same place or attended the same church, or frequented the same coffee shop… that we’d be friends. 🙂
I spent a lot of time wondering about this issue when I was younger (back when I kissed dating goodbye), but I got my answer through my own experience. From our first conversation when we were both 19, a spark ignited in our hearts that left us deeply connected forever. We spent the next few years following other pursuits that God put in our path, and for both of us that ended up including a dating relationship with someone else that would teach us some valuable lessons that would serve to prepare us for marriage and teach us to be wholly complete as individuals so that we could be interdependent, not dependent, in our marriage. When the time was right, however, God brought us together through a chain of events that was nothing short of miraculous that we both know had nothing to do with our own will or choice in the matter. Rather, both of our hearts’ desire was for whatever purpose God intended for us, no matter what it cost, even if it meant being single forever. It just so happened that for us, God’s purpose was that we should be together, and when the timing was right, our eyes were instantly opened and we both knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt, and within six months, when we were 25 and 26 years old, we were married. While I DON’T believe that every person’s purpose in life necessarily includes marrying a soul mate, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that marrying my husband has ALWAYS been “God’s plan” for me, and that my husband is and has always been the only “One” for me.
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This is a very interesting article about the notion of there being a soul mate that God has predestined for us. A friend of mine read this article and commented, “I believe that too many young girls, especially in Christian families, grow up so steeped in princess movies and fairy tales that they unconsciously incorporate fairy godmother characteristics into their view of God. As a result, heartbreaks can cause their whole world — and maybe even their faith — to shatter.” It is certianly something to consider. In the end I think we should be focused not on finding the “right one,” but how to be the right one by simply chasing after the Lord.
Dear Wonderful, Thoughtful, Deeply Thinking young woman – Thank YOU! As a non-christian person who is not allowed to marry my “non-soulmate” 😉 and a mom – you have framed the discussion in ways i believe deeply, and have taught my child. Magical thinking leads to disastrous results! Following your faith or beliefs, understanding what is grounded in rational understanding will prevent us from demanding the unachievable from others, AND FAILING to hold our OWN selves accountable for immature imaginings that inevitably fail. I embrace your faith, and you application of truth and rationality. You might not call yourself a progressive, liberal or feminist – and i won’t label you as such – for that is your right to self-identify. But, choose those descriptors for myself, and your ideas fit nicely within my own framework. Thank you again for clarity of heart, soul, and mind! p-
thank you so much for this God bless you and your marriage and open many doors for you. !!!! 🙂 i needed this more than you could understand
Wow! I love how you explained well in your writing what marriage is and what people need to understand about it. Your post just breaks the “norm” of how most women see things about relationships and finding their “the one”. You inspired me to write my story as well. Thanks!
Your dad was/is awesome, what great advice.
There are scriptures that pertain to marriage, and scriptures that pertain to the ministry that Jesus set up in the New Testament, of which he first sent forth 12, then 70. Mark 6:7, Luke 10:1. These were paired ministers, and those pairs went out to preach, giving their lives for the souls of men. They went to different areas, with a different ministers, to preach at different times (this is evident throughout the NT), and closely adhered to two unmarried ministers together preaching the Word of God. There is still a way where ministers give their whole lives (100% voluntarily and if able), without being married or having a family, and supported by their congregation, giving the gospel freely (without salary or collection), and each year have a different fellow minister they preach with in different areas about the true gospel of Christ, adhering only to the Bible and Christ’s teachings. Thus, what David M. was talking about the apostle Paul… it was God’s plan that Paul not be married, and Paul chose to stay within God’s plan for his life. I am not taking either side of the debate of “soul mate” or not… nor am I debating God’s plan for who you marry. I simply wanted to state that the scriptures are specific according to the plan that God had for those who were married, single, widows/widowers and ministry. It would be easy to mix them up, if there is a deviation from God’s plan for the ministry and married ones (as well as single), that Christ established on the earth. If you are sincerely interested, pray for God to reveal it to you and He will. No need for me to be involved. This way also has no need of a website or advertising, and is a world-wide family! I LOVE it!! 🙂
Reblogged this on Ringwood Youth and commented:
Great Blog about searching for the “one”
Oh my goodness! I LOVE THIS!! I could have written this!! My hubby and I have known each other for years and year, we actually met in youth group. After we got married I found those letters I had written to my future husband and laughed at how ridiculous. Haha! All through jr high and high school, I was taught the same thing that you were – Go had one person picked out for me. But then I realized… What if I pick the wrong person, what if I took someone else’s perfect mate, what if mine picked the wrong person, what of I get married and then my perfect person dies and I end up getting remarried… Did I steal someone else’s perfect person?? There are lots of people who I could be compatible withy I’m glad I chose my hubby and he chose me. 🙂 He is a worship pastor though. Hehe!
I love all your “what if”‘s. They hit the nail on the head.
Couldn’t agree more with this post. It’s a lesson I have learnt through my own life experiences particularly that of my late fiance passing away and me believing that I would never love again until 2 years later when I met someone who was even more compatible to me.
I don’t think any religion preaches “soulmates”. That is probably a man-made philosophy. Yes God has a plan for us but that is unknown to us. The only instruction we have been given is to try to maintain good morals and values and to increase our spirituality.
It’s actually quite difficult when you live in a society that believes that you have to have a partner to be happy or feel loved. Having someone is great, but as stated here that is not our ultimate goal in life. Being closer to God can be achieved without a partner and gives you a sense of peace and fulfilment when you are alone because you know that God is with you and you are never truly alone. Who better to devote your time to than to God. Having said that, having a partner of the same spiritual beliefs and goals can make your journey to God so much more blissful.
It’s good to know that their are other people out there that share the same views.
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Hi, Since you not going to reply, that’s okay.. like all my prayer God never say anything back directly 🙂 But what you share with us is amazing, I will share them with my unmarried friends, and further ponder upon you and your father’s take on the biblical verses and perhaps re-organize religious education literature to reflect this ideas that you shared with us a week ago. Thank you and God Bless you!
Incredibly well-written and timely piece for me personally – so thank you.
I have started writing my own blog.. mainly just for me but welcome to read:
http://livingthedream-mc.blogspot.com.au/
I really enjoyed your comments and I agree! Isn’t it so much better to be responsible for our marriages instead of expecting fate and emotion to carry us through? Thank you for describing this soul mate nonsense with such humor! God is so good to give us choices.
I completely agree!
I am thankful you shared this thought so concisely. I appreciate it because it takes the pressure off of marrying the first person you date. For the longest time, I was “brain-washed” into thinking that I could only ever date one person and that they were who God had for me, but because of that misleading I stayed in a relationship that was no longer honoring Christ for fear of breaking up with “the one”… when in reality if a dating relationship is not honoring God then it’s not His will. I read all those crazy Christian soul mate books, and yes, for some people they will marry the first person they date, but I was relieved after my first boyfriend and I broke up and I was still a person who had a relationship with God (that did NOT break up 🙂 ). Goes to show that dating around or not dating at all is not necessarily a bad thing, but actually productive in figuring out qualities you appreciate in people and could live with well. As you said, compatibility.
But life is NOT about finding a marriage partner… like you said it is about being formed into the image of Christ. For some, that will happen most effectively through marriage, for others through singleness. 🙂
Totally agree, and loved your presentation of material from experience.
So God, who is control of the tiniest atoms in the universe and created everything and who placed you in the family you are doesn’t have a plan for who you marry? God is a sovereign God who knows the number of hairs on your head. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and we know we will be married one day. We started off “falling in love” and we have times when the emotions run very high. But we’re not dependent on these emotions, we know that they come and go but we enjoy them when their there but when their not we make the choice to love each other. There is not a doubt in my mind that God planned for me to marry her. We are all extremely unique beings and we do have “The One”. The problem is when finding that person is our focus or after we find them they become our focus. If God didn’t have a specific person for us to marry then why is marriage for one and one woman? What would be the problem with marrying multiple people that we are compatible to? Isn’t it MY decision? Is God just a spectator?
“Colossians 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.”
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This article had a lot of great points, and a great message overall. However, it is a mistake to think that marriage is forever. Jesus answers a Pharisaical objection to the afterlife in Matthew 22 by stating, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” (Mt 22:30). In the new heaven and the new earth, there will be no marriage. That is why traditional marriage acknowledges that the covenant between spouses is “’til death do us part”.
With all of the confusion our society has about marriage and love, it is important not to overreact by making marriage and married love an end in itself. The self-giving love in marriage is supposed to reflect the love Christ has for His church (cf. Eph 5:25-28). But the two are not equal. The love between spouses is finite, but God’s love is infinite. The union of spouses ends at death; but our union with God in Heaven will be forever – as long as we respond to His grace with a “faith that works through love” (Gal 5:6).
just the other day i was rethinking the whole “soul mate” notion. i reflected upon my new love of 3 months and thought that he was not the sole mate of my youth and that i no longer believed in such a thing. your blog spoke what my mind and heart feel now. i also choose to love someone that just simply loves God, loves me and wants to grow and walk through life together. we are willing to work through anything that comes our way because we center our lives around God and believe He will help us.
This is both awesome and hilarious and true — all at the same time. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading 🙂
I believe that God puts every single person we meet in our lives for a certain reason. And I also believe that he knows the person we are going to marry the second we are created. In our time line we may have previous people who hurt us and we learn from it which leading up to finding that one person that was meant for you. Im not arguining but I don’t really agree with your statement. I feel as if we do have a soul mate and God intended on everyone to have at least that one someone no matter what happened you can turn to them and depend on them. That when your feeling a certain emotion they know just what to do and say to make it all better. Toghether you are perfection even with the little or big arguments. Just my thoughts.
I am not a Christian, do not believe in God at all in fact. But what you say here still resonates. I have been married almost 8 years. My husband and I have two children, one with extremely challenging special needs. Our marriage is tested every day, but we have to make the choice to stay in it together, make decisions together, and make time and space for each other. “Soul mates” is fine when things are easy but it is not enough to make it through “better or worse.”
I fell in love, and am staying in love. I refuse to believe that a God who is so involved in our hearts, and minds, and souls that he thought of us before we were even conceived would not think to create another person who would be a perfect companion for us. It doesn’t make any sense to me. God knows what is best for me, and he has what is best for me. I just have to trust and submit to what he has for me each day.
You’re absolutely right. The author is absolutely wrong. Unfortunately in today’s world anyone can easily disseminate his or her writings to a worldwide audience irrespective of the truth of the content. Don’t let the confidence with which she proclaims it (notice no Scriptural references to support her contentions), or all the “wow, amazing!” posts deceive you. Stay in the Word.
wow that post made a lot of noise from the social networks xD
where do i begin? Being currently single, I have a great vantage point from which I subject all the different “views” on marriage and “the one”. I am a studying theology currently so this post caught my eye…and so, to begin, I went through a long bitter-sweet relationship that was ended not so fairy tale like. I do believe that God has a “divine” master plain (if you will) for my life..like Is. 49:1 where God called him by name and separated him while he was yet in his mothers womb. (showing God had a will for his life)
Now looking back I believe that she *was* the “one” but because of bad choices and selfish motives or whatever we chose to live our separate lives. (no longer God’s “perfect will” for my life)
So that’s it? No future “soul mate” ? um, no…actually God also has a passive will, things which he allows but did not wish to happen but because he did not create robots, I can chose not to follow “the golden path” …he will still be with me and I can still have happiness with another but it was not
his original plan (i believe). Like Israel’s rejection of God that brought them through many wars and tears but not of fault to God but of Israel and so the same in my life.
I believe that it IS THE WILL OF GOD TO MARRY, It is not good for man to be alone. But given that we live in a sinful world that daily rejects God and we ourselves at times reject what he has in store for us we may end up single FOR LIFE. Why? OUR BAD. The New Testament clearly states that we are not to be unequally yoked together with the unsaved. Therefore the options are limited as they are. But that’s not the end of the world as we know it…there are 7 billion people on this planet and I’m sure to find (and im confident I will) by God’s grace and mercy a Godly young lady who will be more than I deserve and we will by God’s grace become one. Yes I believe that I am a whole but that through the design of the Almighty a whole can become a half when 2 come together before God and family to be united in Holy marriage. Does that make less that I am a half? No but rather a walking greater potential being lol
I could live a long happy single life but miss out on the special blessings of marriage that God has planned. Verses for reinforcement of my point. (in context :p)
Mark 10:5-12 I am going to highlight a few…
“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave o his wife: And they twain shall be one flesh: SO THEN THEY ARE NO MORE TWAIN BUT ONE FLESH. WHAT GOD HATH JOINED TOGETHER, LET NOT MAN PUT ASUNDER.
Now notice…”God hath joined” and “man put asunder” = God’s will but man’s choice savvy?
I just think that your view is a wee self centered…My life, My choices, God bless me or too bad.
I would rather My life God gave me, My life God designed (Marriage included), My choices to gain or lose blessing, My choices that bring judgment, Me in or outside the will of God.
I am glad you found happiness in your year of marriage and that your choices have led you this far by God’s grace and with blessings, may you two grow closer to God and each other.
Best wishes!
Reblogged this on The Baking DJ and commented:
I completely agree with this point of view. Love is a choice, an action consciously performed every day toward the person you have made your forever.
Thank GOD the female voice of reason amidst all of the Christianese nonsense about soulmates and “the ONE” notion rampant in youth groups. This post reminded about a blog from Desiring God which speaks about more along the notion that marriage is about commitment, not compatibility and if you follow the story brought the folks at Desiring God entitled This Momentary marriage: The Story of Ian and Larissa (http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa), it kind of reverberates closely to what you’re saying and makes me wonder all the more my own selfishness and the need for grace to repent of it.
I definitely appreciate what you said as it is actually counter to the serious notion that many youth pastors license the sinful unChrist-like selfishness rampant in tween and teens today (The List). All that to say, thank you for being such a clear voice of reason… and may God bless and watch over your awesome marriage and may your legacy as a devoted loving wife and husband continue forward into the next generation of your family!
Thank you for a wonderful read… confirming what I knew… but also grateful it came from a woman’s POV…
oh my, your post is a blast! thanks for sharing- love from berlin!
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I truly love this post! I recently came to discover that love is a choice! Not all that hullabaloo that we get to read in books and see in movies….reality truly is far much different! Thank you so much!
Hannah, thank you! As a 23 year old who is single, it was great to be reminded that God has such amazing plans for me and I don’t need to try to make things happen. It’s also amazingly encouraging to know that you have chosen to love James and that EVERY DAY, over and over again, you make a daily decision to love him and to honor him. Thank you for sharing this – it has encouraged me greatly 🙂 blessings!
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So basically you and I are very different people right now, but as I read that it struck so true to high school me and adult me. I’m afraid to read my letters to my future spouse (which is funny because apparently on some level, my 15-year-old brain somehow knew I would never be attracted to men and never let me write letters addressed to my future husband). The reason I’m afraid to read them is the same reason you were crying so hard when you read yours.
I plan on sharing this post with my girlfriend who is still having a hard time understanding my choices to participate in my youth group’s leadership team and to join a chastity leadership team (hey! it’s easy to preach abstinence when you don’t realize the real reason you’re not attracted to your male best friends).
I’m also glad that you posted what your father said about basing the meaning of scripture in the historical setting.
Thank you for writing and posting this, and I’m glad I clicked the link a friend posted on Facebook.
It saddens me deeply to see all the “that’s so true!” and “thank you!” and “you’re so insightful and discerning” comments on here, when the author cited no Scripture in support of her argument. She just purports to proclaim truth to us without pointing to Truth. This piece is typical of the contemporary pop Christian culture that plagues the church today. Far too many Christians these days don’t look to the Bible for Truth. No, they claim that “God showed me” this truth, without any effort to even vet their “truth” against Scripture.
Also, of course I am not in a position to judge the overall character and faith of her father, but one thing I do know – he’s no theologian or Bible scholar. I was deeply troubled by the author’s citing her father’s shooting down her early belief in the applicability of the “I know the plans” passage to her life. So it doesn’t apply because there God was speaking to the Israelites in a specific time in a specific place, under specific circumstances? By that logic, I think you can throw out the whole Old Testament, because after all, none of us were around back then and it was originally written to ancient people, in a specific time, in a specific place, under specific circumstances. You know, now that I think about it, I believe this logic requires us to throw out all of Paul’s letters, because he was writing to specific churches in specific places going through specific circumstances. And the Gospel of Luke, too. Because the author addressed the book to a specific person, Theophilus, who undoubtedly was a specific person in a specific place going through specific circumstances.
Please, everyone, read the Bible instead of “Christian” blogs if you want to know Truth.
I absolutely agree with you. It says in Scripture itself that “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” If it is all useful, why would certain scriptures not apply to us anymore?
I wanted to think about what you were writing, but all I could think about were those photos: That is the whitest wedding I have ever seen.
You posted this blog on my would be anniversary if we had stayed married. But, our plans changed. Truly, all for the highest good, because it’s awesome to find that I can still love the father of my children outside of the institution of marriage and under any conditions.
you know how long it took me to scroll down to type this, yes this is a BIG DEAL kinda post, can you say this is definitely a message for young women and for guys too shooot! This is str8 up from God, needed this, most likely going to print this out and give it to my connect group at church …..very big deal … very !
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Thank you for writing so openly and honestly. You have a really great way of describing exactly what I used to think when I was a teenager. One day my “prince charming” will show up and sweep me off my feet and I will be swept away by this overwhelming feeling of love. Then I will know that he’s the one. I am now 37 years old and just got married (for the first time) 25 days ago. In all of those years leading up to that one special day, I was swept off my feet by a few whom I thought were my prince charming and by strong feelings. But when those feelings and emotions fizzled out, so did the relationships. It wasn’t until I came to understand that love is not just a feeling but also a decision that everything changed for me. Don’t get me wrong, there are feelings involved and I love my husband beyond words. But we all know that feelings can change and that there are days when we don’t feel like loving anybody. That is where the decision part comes in. I have made the decision to love my husband no matter what. I have decided to love him just the way he is! He is a gift.
I really look forward to reading more of your writing!
you might have just enabled this terrified-of-marriage child of divorce to confidently say yes to my soon coming proposal – from my very own God-shaped man. thank you for beautifully voicing your experience, I have found nothing yet I relate to more.
even MORE blessings on your beautiful marriage.
truly inspiring and love it 🙂 ! thanks. you had sorta solve the question that I’ve been wondering for years ! 😀 God bless!
I think your post is awesome, thanks for sharing your thoughts. One question though (okay, maybe two), while looking at the pictures in your post… was the congregation singing at your wedding? If so, what did they sing? I think that’s AWESOME!!
Hi Lisa! Yes, we had everyone sing the hymn “Come thou font of every blessing.” It was so beautiful!
This post is such a breath of fresh air. So many times, Christians, especially women, are taught that the goal in life is to seek out the person God has created just for you, making life one big game of hide and seek (or chase in some cases). It’s just not true! What’s the point of finding the person your are going to spend the rest of your life with if you missed creating a life in the first place?
Though I think people’s intentions are good, the message that marriage is the apex of Christian life leaves those still in pursuit of finding their partner feeling lost and subpar. I spent most of my 20s believing that I had failed as a woman because I had not found the person that God planned for me. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I realized that I was missing the point: I can choose to love who I want, just like we can choose to love Christ. That’s the beauty of free will. Choosing to love someone is a much more enriching experience than spending my life with someone because we have been stitched together through some cosmic spell.
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A friend sent me a link to this post some time last week and I really liked it. It got me thinking about the subject of God’s will, and how our choices and free will play a path in how our lives eventually turn out. But the question is, are those choices and experiences whether good or bad also part of the grand master plan? I started following the blog and strayed back here today – I found 1,046 comments on this post! On a blog that would normally get less than 10 comments, or at best less than 30! For me it buttresses the point that many of us (at least Christians) crave some assurance that we are in the center of God’s will for our lives, and to us mortals being in the center of God’s will is signaled by everything working perfectly well – at least by our own standards. If it’s too difficult, or too hard, or brings pain, then it can’t be God’s will. If it comes seemingly effortlessly with perceived happy endings, then it must be God’s will. Not necessarily. On the other hand, some of us ‘hide’ under God’s will as a means of escape: we say if God didn’t allow it, it wouldn’t happen to us, even for things that are glaringly the consequences of terrible choices and disobedience to the word of God! Phew!! It’s getting hot in here! I don’t have all the answers, in fact I don’t have any answers. I will leave you to enjoy the post and draw your own conclusions based on your experiences of how God works. I hope it set’s you thinking about the relationship between how you make your choices and God’s will for your life. I will however like to leave you with the thought that in the grand scheme of things, the most important will of God for every believer is to glorify Him in whatever situation we find ourselves. Let the scriptures be your daily guide in the quest to glorify God. I hope you enjoy the post; in fact there’s no better way to sensationalise this issue of God’s will than relating it to marriage {which I am sure was not this author’s intention, but was the result}. Enjoy!
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This is the best thing I’ve read in so long! You’re perspective is so incredibly sensible, makes me wonder how we ever thought it was realistic in the first place to wait for a huy to meet our “heart’s desired” standard. I remember my youth pastor making us write two lists on a piece of paper. One for the qualities we wanted our someday other half to posess, and the other of qualities he or she “must not have”. I distinctly remember th boys laughing at it and the girls took it seriously.Some of us writing things like “he can’t let his hair grow past a certain length” or “he has to go to church every week” and one of mine… “he has to have siblings”. And we were all told to never settle for less than what we wrote because God would guide us to our match. Yeesh… how greedy and borderline materialistic of our 14 year old selves to have believed that!
I’ve always like this quote from JRR Tolkien from a letter to his son: “Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.”
This is hilarious, well written, and truthful! Love it!
Thank you so much for writing this post. I heartily believed I married “the ONE” but his addiction to drugs, and mental instability which lead to my being abused, meant my marriage was no longer safe and healthy.
I never thought I’d be divorced, because I KNEW he was the one God planned for me to marry, so because I was a Christian, I knew we couldn’t get divorced. Now I know that God has a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life, which included a three year marriage that gave me my daughter. It might not be the perfect life that I painted for myself, but it’s so much better than my Chris Tomlin-playing youth minister in my head (And yes I had a promise journal too! More than one in fact! *grimace*) that I am still sure God has a great plan for an amazing life. 😀
whooo Great Job, another thank you to add to the list.
I will be sharing this article with every couple who tells me, “i think we should get married” . Please tell you Dad thanks for being willing to speak the truth to you.
Have a incredible life together as you both purse the heart of Christ!
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Loved this post. I also love how sometimes when I make the wrong choice or the “less right” choice, God “recalculates” my route, not wasting a single misstep in the process. Our generous God often gives us the choice between two or more really good things – i.e. schools, jobs, etc. because he loves to bless us that much. The blessings and lessons that come with the choices are designed to draw me to God and provide witness to a lost and hurting world. If I am living the life God is calling me to as a believer, seeking God’s voice in Scripture, in prayer, and in the wise and godly voices around me, I may delight in the bevy of wonderful choices God places before me. You are right that love is a choice every day – with family, with friends, and with our spouse. Feelings are fickle and will come and go, but choosing to love the unlovable one who leaves the toilet seat up or the cap off the toothpaste? Well that’s downright Christlike.
Someone shared this on my facebook newsfeed and the title caught my eye. I admit, I rolled my eyes at first, but I love your perspective. Life really is all about choices and which ones we stick with and which ones we ditch! Love this!
Definitely an enjoyable and insightful perspective, Hanna. I appreciate it.. obviously along with many others. Wonderfully clear and well-written.
As a youth, I enjoyed believeing in “the one” because I felt it gave me a sense of hope and purpose. The perspective supported the concept and mantra of “Trust in the Lord with all your heart”, and that I could hold on to. That made sense. As time moved on, I held to that “one” notion as an escapist’s view of reality in order to hide from my burgeoning fear that there was… no “one.” And there wasn’t, was there. At least, not in the way my romanticized view suggested – particularly as there truly was no one who could live up to my perfect “one” who resided on a pedestal in my imagination. The reality for me was acknowledging and understanding that element of choice, of free-will, in life; “The one” was who I chose (continue to choose) and who chose me. It’s a revelation, isn’t it.
Thanks Hanna, keep writing.
Your thoughts are insightful. Waiting for the one makes a women passive, and reduces her strength to make choices for herself. Commitment is a choice, not a divine decree. Thank you for your sensibilities.
Please tell me youre going to write a book on this subject. Your thoughts just changed my entire perspective!! Whoa I love this!
I absolutely love this! I will be printing this off and saving it for when my daughter begins to think about dating (she is only seven now, so I have at least a few more weeks to go). I will also have copies readily available for the ladies in my college/young adult bible study class that I teach.
I have seen so many times where young ladies with these lofty ideals about the man God will bring into their life so often overlook wonderful, God-loving men that are right in front of them. As you mentioned, too often young ladies will fall into the idea that God has the “perfect” man in mind for them and they will begin making the list of qualities they want in their man… and you are right, no man can truly live up to those lists.
If my wife had gone by one of those lists, we would not be married (9 years and counting) or have the most amazing little girl. I am sometimes loud and rambunctious, can be awfully moody at times (I am bi-polar), have tattoos, and was not involved in a church at all (I was in the military at the time and moving a lot). But since I was discharged from the military, we have gotten married, settled down, and now have two families… ours and our church family. I have since become extremely active in the church (including becoming a deacon and starting the college and young adult bible study). I can honestly say that if my wife did not look past all of my faults and saw me for the man I would become, my life would be completely different.
I know you’re not responding anymore, but i would lik eto let you know that I really enjoyed this post. My husband is nothing like the “dream guy” from when I was 14 (or the one from when I was 24, lol), but he is who God has for me and I am in it for the long haul!
xoxo
Hi Hannah,
I just want you to know that your post inspired me to write a similar post about some of these same issues I’ve been thinking about. I even referenced your post in it! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God bless you & your marriage.
Kriselle
Here’s the post:http://bornandraisedincali.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-love-my-boyfriend-but-he-is-not-one.html
Hello all,
As a close friend of Hannah and her husband, it makes me feel sad to see so many uncharitable comments directed at Hannah and her faith (and her father who is actually a biblical scholar! and likewise a lovely person). I also feel encouraged to see so many who have benefited from her wisdom and humor!
Secondly, this kind of post is comforting and reassuring and also sobering. I see so many young people, young women in particular waiting and waiting for “the one.” Marriage simply isn’t God’s plan for everyone. At least it doesn’t seem to have been for someone like St. Paul. And I would hardly say that he was ignoring God’s will for his life.
At the end of the day, God’s plan is for all of us to become more like Christ and continue the Christ-inaugurated work of reconciling all of creation. He can do that through marriage. He can do that through singleness. We limit God when we say that this or that is in his plan for us.
If I get married, great! I hope it grows me up into the likeness of Christ. If I don’t get married, great! I know it will grow me up into the likeness of Christ. How can I want more for my life than that?
Hannah,
This might have just been the best thing for me to read as I am going into my junior year of college and wondering what God has planned for me and who God has planned for me. It is definitely something I needed to hear/read and would love to hear more on the subject. It’s difficult being a girl who is half way done with college and not seriously dating anyone (and has no prospects) while almost everyone else in my friend group is in a pretty serious relationship by now. I really appreciate you posting about this!
In Christ,
Emily Gulick
Your post reminds me a little of what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about soul mates in her book, “Eat, Pray, Love”. I love your post and have already begun reading your others!
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Awesome. Agree whole heartedly. the way you described yourself before your dad ‘popped your bubble’ made me laugh because it sounded very familiar.
I wrote my detailed letters to the One man who was just waiting for God to give me to him. Mine wasn’t going to be a youth pastor though, I was sure he was a missionary, a tall, tanned and musical missionary.
How rediculous our thinking was.
How freeing it is to realise the truth.
And how beautiful it is to learn to love someone the way Christ loves.
Thank you so much for what you shared, I hope a lot of young teenage girls find it!
Isn’t it strange how certain things can blow up in the Internet?
Anyway, this was a very inspired and wonderful post – thanks for writing it. My husband and I celebrate our one-year anniversary in a month, and you’re right about everything. Perhaps he’s not my soul mate, but he’s the one I chose, and that’s better than anything else.
hello hannah,
i was really encouraged by your post and was drawn to it’s defense by a few friends who did not feel as kindly towards it. just wondered if you might interact some with me and dialogue on some thoughts if you had any.
https://www.facebook.com/notes/greg-staudinger/soul-mates-soul-longings-and-our-souls-keeper/10151612086569412
you can email me at gregorystaudinger@gmail.com.
So true. I remember having pre-wedding jitters and wondering “what if this doesn’t work?” Then reminding myself that marriages don’t just magically work or not work, they’re something you have to work on together. I knew that this was something my husband and I were both willing to do, so I really didn’t have to worry that much. Three years later, I’m happy to report it’s true!
Your father is a very wise man! This is the most sane post about who we choose to marry, and marriage, that I’ve read in a very long time. Well done.
I believe in *A* concept of Soulmates, but I don’t think of them because of Jeremiah, certainly. Heck I haven’t read Jeremiah.
I believe in something like the idea in the rich tradition of High Fantasy literature and stuff about “True Names”….sorta? I think in a lot of ways, DNA is *a large percent* of the “True Name” of Humanity. But I don’t believe we are utterly bound by Fate. I think the most important part of each person is in all the little details of how we’re different.
Like different styles of calligraphy, different accents on the vowels, different pronunciations and different spellings of that more or less basic True Name of the soul? And I think that people can become One, matching themselves so perfectly to each other that they DO belong together in a very-close-to Soul Mate way. I also believe people can Change their True Names and therefore have Multiple Soul Mates.
And I believe that people are not guaranteed to meet any of your Maybe-Soul Mates and so if you meet Anyone that you think could be a Maybe Soul Mate, you should do a lot of talking, not ABOUT Soul Mates, but about your True Names. Who you are. And the closer you are alike, the more you MIGHT be Soul Mates. And I can’t really give any more advice than that. I think it’s an art and a science and I’ve given a bit of ‘science’ about it and a bit of ‘art’ about it and you really Really REALLY need to pursue it yourself, because a lot of it is about Personal Experience which by definition means people shouldn’t try to fall in love too young and people also won’t be able to really tell each other even. 😛
People CAN be made for each other- I’ve met two such people I was Made For and one worked out a lot better after I messed up the first one. 😛
This advice applies to so much of life. My teenage years were ruined by people that pummeled me with the message that God had a totally specific, absolutely exclusive plan for my future— a specific spouse, a specific career, a specific church or mission field, a specific “spiritual calling”— and that any deviation from this completely uncharted flight plan would bring me nothing but misery.
So for fear of failure… I bunted. And I spent my life miserable ever since.
I literally sat here yelling at the screen “Where were you with this advice when I was eighteen??”
I think you just started another level of healing journey in my heart. You see, I believed in the “right one, divine soul-mate thing”. I believe that my first husband was the perfect mate, God’s will for my life. He was a singing minister and I loved my position in being his “helpmate”. Then his abusive past came to an ugly head, demanding submission and keep my opinions to myself. I was willing to carry the cross and suffer under the emotional abuse, because he was “the one”. He divorced me saying that “I was not submissive enough”. I later remarried but kept “hanging on” that I am out of God’s will but I am not with the “right one”. I struggled with my second husband, and still am but not as much. Through lots of counseling, I came to accept him for who he is and not what he could be. I learned to love him and be a good partner to him for our kids.
Now I need to get that “soul-mate” out of my head. I need to read this over and over again to get through my deception. I’m going to forward this to my daughter (who is more level-headed than I) to make sure that I didn’t indoctrinate you that there is only “one”, but choices.
Thank you so much for your post.
God told me years ago that He had “something very special planned for you.” Well, I was praying about my relationship with Him and my then-boyfriend, so I just KNEW He meant “you” was plural. My boyfriend wasn’t convinced. We broke up after a year; dated again a few years later, then a few years after that began dating again and got engaged. We did a year of pre-marriage counseling at our church (that we found and joined together, as we were attending different churches prior), and will soon celebrate our third anniversary. Marriage is so much harder than I ever thought it could be. I don’t miss him when I’m away from him; I enjoy the break. This makes me so sad. I find myself questioning God as to whether my husband truly is “the one” He had/s for me. I married him b/c I knew he was who God meant for me to marry. God told him the same about me several years after I clearly heard His voice. So, I’m not sure if I agree there is no “one” for a person, but I do know it is a battle against Satan to choose to love my husband daily; to not give up on marriage. I choose to stay, and I try to have faith eventually it will be worth it.
Regarding where to attend college, I applied to & visited several, but while visiting one, the Holy Spirit said, “This is where I want you.” He made a GREAT choice for me!
Regarding who to marry, I was engaged to a man when the Holy Spirit told me I should not marry him, and why. I would have married a “good Christian man” who was unfaithful to me. I’m SO grateful that God directed my steps.
I believe God is very specific about my life choices because of my calling. However, I don’t believe that’s the case with everyone.
I agree, I believe He’s as involved in our life and decisions as we allow Him to be. It always comes back to relationship. I don’t understand the comments where people say they agonized over what decision to make. It says in His word He’ll direct our paths.
People often forget that we can and do tell G-d “no.” You could have still chosen another college or married your fiance, but you CHOSE to listen and yield to what you heard the Lord telling you.
I just want to say THANKYOU. That’s all. This is so refreshing and REAL.
Hi! I guess I’m going to be the one who respectfully disagrees with the premise of this blog! I know it’s true that we have the power of choice, because that’s what it says in the bible! However, I’d like to argue that there are numerable accounts in the bible that God has an ideal person for everyone who desires to get married!
That Jeremiah 29:11 scripture you made reference to says He knows the “Plans” plural. We can say that it doesn’t include “finding a mate” – but God didn’t say that. God wants to be invovled in our lives in every aspect (psalm 37:2nlt). He’s not controlling us, but He desires to see the design and destiny of our lives come into play. You can’t say that the people you choose to be friends with or the people who you choose to associate with don’t affect your destiny! If you believe that the people in your life affect your destiny, than there’s no reason why you wouldn’t believe God has someone for you…
Genesis 24, A great story in the bible of how Abraham sent his servant to look for a wife for Issac. This servant ended up wanting to please his master so he sought God and asked Him to help him find a mate for Issac. Through a jug of water and camels, God lead this servant to “the one” that he had for Issac. Under very “specific” circumstances, Rebekah was chosen! If it didn’t matter who Issac was gonna marry, God could have said, “Pick anyone of them, there’s so many!” But He had an ideal person for him!
The story of Mary. ☺ The bible says she was chosen by God! Was she “chosen” because she was married to Joseph, direct line of “David”? Ahh, maybe! Or was she chosen to be the mother of Jesus by virtue of who she was! Who God made her to be? Can we say it was a coincidence that Mary happened to “marry” a guy from the lineage of King David, destined to bear the messiah? Ahh…maybe! it would be a long shot though! 😉
Lastly, lets go back all the way in the Garden of Eden. We know that God created Eve specifically for Adam! From the beginning, God fashioned Eve for Adam. I believe that. There’s no where in the bible that say “God choses your mate” but it does say “God orders your steps!”.
Just knowing Who God is (to me) I believe He’s mapped out every single aspect of our lives, and that includes who we become “one” with. I don’t think God is not flexible, after all – I DO AGREE who you ultimately marry is who you’re gonna be with for the rest of your life and that becomes God’s perfect will, but, people also choose the wrong person to marry (ie: abusive or otherwise). God can always redeem a situation- whoever we marry and in that, God can make it work – He’s God! But I believe dear sister, that you were handpicked by God to marry your spouse! That everything about you – your personality, your looks even your quirkyness is signifcant and fits perfectly in the one that God destined you to ultimately marry! NO, you’re bursting nobody’s bubble, not even mine because inconclusively, I have to totally believe that God got involved in you meeting the husband of your dreams! YES, I believe you’re that significant, that important that of all the 7 billion people in the world (maybe 3.5 billion women) that YOU were the perfect one for him! It’s hard to fathom isn’t it? But I believe it’s true!
I believe you were “chosen” by God – and your husband? Well, he just agreed with God and went along with the plan! Which ultimately all of us are called to do, specifically for our lives.
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How does God point out that one and only candidate for you?
What is the scriptural reference for how he disapproves of you marrying any other possible person than that one?
Hi Peter! 🙂 I didn’t mention that God disapproves of us marrying anyone – I believe He has an ideal person for all of us! it’s our choice of course who we marry, but I believe that God has greater plans for who we marry than the blog post may give it credit for.
The blog post shared that there is no real “biblical” evidence that suggests that God has someone for us…
Although there is not a scripture that says, “You have to marry a specific person”,
I mentioned two compelling stories in the bible that depict purpose in finding the right one God has for you. There are so many convictions that others have when it comes to this topic, I only shared what I got from the Word of God and why I believe God does indeed have someone for all of us!
God also directs our steps. Like, how do we know what church to go to? Or what our calling is? Like anything else, I believe God is “honored” When we seek HIM out for the answers! He just doesn’t tell you “Oh, go find the right one” like Abraham’s servant for Issac, I believe He wants us to seek Him, ask Him INQUIRE OF HIM who that would be! I believe He wants to show us and based on your relationship with Him, that could either be easy or very hard.
Again, I will mention that I agree that who you ultimately choose to marry and under that covenant, that’s the one!! But there’s always God’s “Acceptable, Good and Perfect will” – Romans 12:2 – some choose acceptable, others would choose good – my conviction for my life personally is to wait for the “Perfect”. I’m sure there’s other options, but yeah, let’s believe that at least everyone reading this is for the top 3. 😉
My post is not a direct reply to yours. Its just another post. That’s why it isn’t indented relative to yours. Your posts fail to make any pertinent points, by the way.
Lexi, thanks for your comments, i have really enjoyed reading them :). Yes, God gives us choice, but it is up to us to run away with that choice n do as we please or give the choice back to Him and as you say, inquire of Him. If he has my hair and my days numbered he definitely has a plan for the most important decision of my life. I always believed that just as God had answered Abraham’s servant he would answer my prayer and if he had chosen one for Isaac he has chosen one for me 🙂 By God’s grace, after 3 years of praying for a husband, I am happily married to the man I know to be in God’s perfect plan for my life. He is not a perfect man but he is in the perfect plan 🙂 And God definitely gives us His best when we leave the choice to him. He is more than I had asked for in a husband, definitely far from my childish list. But even with my eyes wide open n in all my wisdom, I would have never have chosen a husband as loving as what the Lord has chosen for me in His divine wisdom 🙂 God bless u.
Hi Christina,
How exactly did you leave the choice to Him, and how did He tell you what His choice was?
The main theme that these contributors to the blog about God guiding them toward their spouses is derived from the Christian ability to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. Hearing God is the key… there is a great chapter on “Hearing God” in the book “Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance” by Don Raunikar. I believe from the Word of God confirmed by experience that God provides for those who dilligently seek Him and who “keep knocking” and “keep seeking”. The biggest hinderance to anything from what God has for us is doubt. Doubt has no place in marriage…. it blocks seeing from God, hearing from God, receiving from God, etc. Doubt is a curse and blocks blessing. Doubt is deafening and blinding. “Faith is the step from promise to assurance.” Just as Hannah chooses to love her husband, each must dilligently seek to draw closer to God…and He will draw closer to each who does so. All of the promises of God are true…Yes and Amen! Jesus said “My sheep know My voice.”
Aaand, we’re back! Let’s see if Christina can answer for herself now.
Thanks Mike 🙂 will definitely get a hold of that book. My greatest desire has always been to grow in the area/gift of Discernment, to discern quickly what the Lord is telling me and Jesus’ statement, ‘My sheep know My voice’, has been a foundational verse in my walk with the Lord. Yes, doubt is a hindrance, that is why the Bible says ‘…anyone who comes to God must believe that he exists and that he does reward those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6) Thanks again for sharing.
Peter, apologies for a late reply, just a bit occupied with buying our first home together n all the jazz that comes with it. Well, leaving the choice to Him is simply being open, even to people who might not appear to you as your ideal or satisfy all the criteria on your checklist, apart from those you might fancy. So when a person expresses their interest in getting married to you, you still take time to pray about the relationship, whichever group they belong to, in short, chuck out the checklist. Of course, there are non-negotiables such as those mentioned in Scripture, where Paul says do not yoke with Unbelievers. In my own case, my husband and I first met on a Christian Matrimonial site(Fusion101.com) and we began exchanging emails to get to know each other. All this while, I was definitely praying and had peace in my heart about the other person, but I wanted us both to take time out from each other and really get to know God’s will through prayer and fasting, as marriage to me is one of the most important decisions I will ever make. I believe many strongholds and deceptions are broken in Jesus Name when we seek the Lord through fasting. It builds the Spirit man, is a great tool for spiritual warfare and brings about that much needed clarity (eg. Acts 13:2 n others). Of course, not every decision requires for us to fast 🙂 some decisions become clearer than others just by praying. So I asked my husband if he would join me and needless to say, after taking a whole week off the Lord had given us both immense peace and joy. We shared our intent with our parents who also had the peace of the Lord n we were married within three months of contacting each other (not recommended for everyone esp. new Christians) ….n I lived to tell the tale 😀
Your second question was ‘how did He tell you what His choice was?’ Well, In the Bible sometimes God spoke audibly, and at other times the disciples cast lots to know God’s will, such as while selecting Mathias to be an apostle along with the other eleven (Acts 1:26). To some He gave them his peace, to others he gave signs to reveal His will, still others were given dreams n visions regarding the decisions they need to take such as God speaking to Joseph in a dream to get married to Mary n not send her off (eg. the house we bought was confirmed through a vision n other signs). There are probably more ways through which God spoke to people, these are what I recall right now.
So in my case, when there were marriage proposals either directly or through my father(I come frm a different culture where parents are majorly involved in marital decisions), if they were Non-believers, there was no point in praying or pursuing as God has already made that clear in His Word. Sometimes, I would feel that a person was not whom God had chosen for me, even before praying about it, however I would still pray about the relationship so that I did not confuse my own desire with His will. On a few occasions while praying, I would hear God speak very clearly to my spirit saying,’Christine this is not meant for you.’ It wouldn’t be an audible voice that I would hear with my ears but I would hear it in my spirit n there was a deep knowing that it is from the Lord, which mostly happened while praying in the Spirit(tongues). Sadly, this has taken place on very few occasions. Most of the time while asking God if a person was in His will, He would begin to reveal to me the person’s heart by what they said or did that I may have overlooked. And then it was up to me to either overlook what God was showing me and still go ahead, or discuss it with the person n deal with the issue. I have learnt that if we really really want our way, God will give it to us, but we will never know if that is what He wanted for us in the first place. The best route of course is to ask of the Lord, inquire of Him. Before meeting my husband I was praying about another person, whom I thought was ‘the one’ just by meeting and talking to him. After praying God began to remind me of a few things that were shared about the person’s lifestyle, which I was happy to overlook. Of course, I knew God wanted me to deal with it than close my eyes on it. So I did, n it turned out that the other person found that lifestyle to be extremely important to them, but obviously was upset that I had an issue with it. There, decision made!! 🙂 With God there are lesser chances of heartache since he will bring out things right at the very beginning, if we ask Him to. Once we’re too emotionally involved with a person, the last thing we want to hear is a ‘No’ from God.
While praying about my now husband, God began to reveal his heart to me too, the grace that he brought into the relationship, in our conversations, the humility with which he would discuss issues. The more I prayed the more I was satisfied. Although we were both far from perfect, the Lord had given us both immense joy n peace about each other n a deep knowing that we were following His leading. After over 8 years of married life together, we marvel at how different we are and yet how the Lord has brought us together and how we perfectly complement each other. Inspite of God’s guidance however, it has not always been a smooth Journey for either of us, as we have both had to unlearn and relearn a few things. However, what we do know is that we are both committed to loving each other n making things work between us, however tough our circumstances may be. We know that if God has brought us together, He will give us the grace to work it out.
But here’s the thing. Grace is ours for the asking, whom ever we choose to marry, coz with God there are no dead ends 🙂 He is able to work ALL things for our good when we love n follow Him. And that is the glory of the God we serve. He honours ALL of our marriages and at no point does He give up on us (eg. Smith Wigglesworth’s wife who prayed earnestly for her husband’s salvation n although she was ill treated for her faith she never gave up. And what an awesome fruit came forth from that woman’s faith. A mighty man of faith whom the Lord used greatly to perform signs and wonders, miracles that were unheard of, that brought several thousands to the knowledge of His saving grace!!) How awesome is the God we love 🙂
To those waiting on the Lord for a husband, I would like to encourage you with the verse that kept me going…Seek first the kingdom of God n His righteousness (to remain in right standing with Him n busy with the things He has called you to do) n ALLL these things (husband/house/kid/whatever..) shall be added unto you. God bless!!
Thanks so much for sharing, Christina. I really like what you have said. You have pointed out many different ways God can guide us. I recently prayed about a big decision that I really couldn’t make on my own, but when I really gave it up to God, he gave me a peace about one of the choices, which I took.
Pastor JohnMcArthur has a great sermon series on Biblical decision making at http://www.gty.org
You can download the podcast for free as well as a transcription of the message(s). Just look in the archives.
Thanks Peter, amazing news! Praise God for His leading! May He continue to be your guide n make you fruitful. The best part about leaning on the Lord for everything is that you don’t have to know what decision will have the best outcome all the time, many times we don’t until much later. But what we do know is that He has the best in mind for us, and asking Him in faith leads us to His best……cannot get better than God’s best 🙂
Will def. keep u in prayer 🙂
Trust in the Lord with all your heart n do not depend on your own understanding, seek His will in all you do and He will show you which path to take. -Prov.3:5,6
I absolutely loved this. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart!!
Reblogged this on Dear… and commented:
I came across this tonight, and honestly believe that all people (especially the girls) need to read this. This is so honest, open, and beautiful. Until Next Time. Love, Gabri
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This WAS me in my youth group too, my husband and I laughed hysterically. And I am also so thankful for the time I spent with my youth group, however I will try my hardest to encourage my children to keep a more open mind. Thanks for sharing the JOY!!!
I don’t really agree with this post. I was raised Catholic and was brought up understanding everyone is called to different vocations (ie. marriage, priesthood, sisterhood, youth ministry,etc). People who think we are on this earth to just marry, have kids and be done with it is missing the whole point of life. We are all called to different vocations and each have a distinct path for us to take. Am I saying that our path is a straight line? Heck no, we will divert and do other things but will eventually get back on the path or God will put another obstacle or person in our path to show us what he wants us to see. I believe that he does know who will we marry, who we will be with for the rest of our life. We can be called to marriage with that special someone that God knew who we would be with and still glorify God. He knows what our life will be before we are even born. We date to find our true love that God has in store for us. How do we find that guy? We live and it will happen, all in good time. I’m sorry but when I have children and they come home talking about boys and a future, I will be happy to tell them to God has a unique path for each of us, we may be called to marriage or whatever He wants for us. I won”t set them up for perfect expectations as they get older but don’t ruin a little girls dream of the day when she walks down the isle to marry a man that she decides she couldn’t imagine life better without him. My love for my boyfriend was never forced and I can guarantee you people who say they are in love will say the same. If you walk up to a guy on the street thinking “wow this is my one and only soul mate that i have to love and that’s it…” then obviously he’s not your soul mate. God gives us a husband that we will never be forced to love, we fall in love because there is something about them that connects you and makes you feel the way that you do and you realize soon after that you can’t live your life without him. I can say for a fact that my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for almost 4 years is my soul mate. I prayed for a fairy tale ending and it came true after a painful experiences with guys and after finally letting go and not finding love, he found me. God has a funny sense of humor and everything happens for a reason. Soul mates are not dolls you choose at store or order them online, they are God’s way of showing us that we have a companion for life. As long as we pray that He shows us the way, then it will all happen in good time.
This story is beautiful thanks for sharing. …thx for keepn it real xo
i agree with you 100%
i am so impressed but mostly enlightened,thank you so much for this
I stumbled across your blog on facebook and was curious because of the title. I am now so very glad that I decided to read this! I am 19 years old in college and I really still had that in my mind because thats what a lot of the people that I hang out with express as well. It never really occurred to me that love was not only a choice, but that it is something you work at. I alway thought that would just apply to after marriage in order to keep everything together. I still have a hard time getting used to a lot of new things that, my college (a Christian university) and the people there, do and think. I am a child grown to be a believer in God, but have never really thought to develop this in anyway, I was a sheep just doing what everyone else was doing because it was cool. I don’t mean disrespect to anyone in any way. I am a person who is trying to find my way through what God has to say and what others interpret him to be saying and the way that I interpret what he says. Everyone that I know tells me to always go back and look at things myself, after going to a sermon or bible study, to check back to the bible and compare and see what I want to do with the information I was given. I love this post for the fact that it not only gives many people relief and knowledge that loving someone is a choice but also that everything we do is determined by what choices we make and what kind of person we choose to be. This has given me a new view on how I should approach my life (in love and other things). It actually makes me feel that I should be more outgoing with my decisions and enjoy life, become like Christ and be happy in life, not to just let life pass me by. As a person still trying to find out who they are and what in the world they’re going to do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. Thank you so very much. 🙂
ps. by ‘that’ in the first few sentences, I meant the mindset that “God has a plan for me to marry a specific someone.” (I still think of what the future may bring, which takes up a lot of my time, haha ^.^’ )
Reblogged this on kitkatcello and commented:
I really like what she had to say, it gives me hope as to what the future may bring (or what I may bring into my future!) My reply to her is a bit jumbled (I need to remember that not everyone understands the way I think. Lol ^.^’ ) but they are my true feelings and it felt good to let at least this come out of my stuffed steam-trunk of thoughts.
Wish more people in the church thought and preached like you did. The focus on marriage and family life in church is sometimes overwhelming for a single christian who’s just looking for meaning and honest connection with people and it puts up a guard in people to always expect any attention to mean sexual or marriage potential when in actual fact God gave us the attraction not just for marriage but for platonic friendship as well. I mean, your friends are people you love to hang out with and make you feel good about yourself. Thanks for sharing your story. All the best for the journey ahead.
Interesting, thought-provoking article Hannah. I might just offer a a few words on the matter if this might be permitted.
God doesn’t make us do anything, or coerce us. He does care about everything we do; who we hang with, choose to marry, what college we go to etc., insofar as each of these “goods” effect our perfection in Charity (loving Him for His Own Sake and above all other things). While there is not necessarily any one “perfect” person to serve as another’s mate, God is not totally indifferent to our choices either. He is supposed to tell us what to do and how to do it; we are supposed to listen to His “marching orders” as it were, and do as He says. There is nothing scripturally or otherwise to suggest God ordains just one particular individual for our “soul mate”. However, if we are prudently discerning what God wants us to do – He will most certainly provide a person suitable for marriage (if He wants you married). What God desires more than anything, is His Glory, and our Holiness (greatest perfection in Loving Him). Whatever is most consistent with these Divine directives, is what we get insofar as we are faithful to Him. And for the record, if we do get married as God desires our spouse becomes our “soul mate” 🙂
This is my second time reading this… I still don’t know why she threw so many sound principles under the bus—there’s nothing wrong with encouraging young people to not date around or make deliberate lists of qualities to refer to when the time comes to keep things in perspective. I also grew up in the WWJD-bracelet era, and while I do remember believing God had someone for me, I’m amazed that anyone would ever regard marriage as some potion for fulfillment or life-perfection. Then again, I never fantasized about a wedding until I had to plan one; neither did I ever experience the infatuated “honeymooner” phase with my husband. I guess I’m just weird?
I am in love and married to my soul mate. We met and married in 6 month 5 years ago. We hold hand while watching T.V., driving in the car. . etc.
He is all the things I hoped for when I was a little girl. I would have to say that I don’t think I prayed for them when I was a little girl, but I believe there were certain traits and as young innocent girl that were truly right for my life. I would say that they were the desires of my heart and I wasn’t even aware of it.
In college, I wrote a scene of my future, I have since lost it, but I remember it vividly 20 years later. . wow. . God had this man for me from that vision so many years ago. I feel so blessed that I didn’t settle. I don’t know how many times Danny and I say we feel we have been married for forever. . not in a bad way at all, but in as a completing of a whole, in a way that no other could complete.
I do not begrudge anyone who married and in Faith and Love makes a marriage work even when it seems an uphill battle, or you feel you have married someone you never thought as a young girl you would marry. But I stand by my Faith and blessing that God does have someone designed for each and every one of us.
Our marriage has not been easy. From the beginning challenges have been thrown at us that would have rocked many a marriage, but there was never a doubt who we were meant to stand with through all of this.
I write this not to be argumentative, but to share an outlook that it isn’t one way or the other, but if God is allowed into the details of our lives, if we meet and marry the man He has planned for us, or if we marry another, God will bless it and make it fruitful if he is invited in.
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Your parents sound awesome. And I love this idea. When I started dating my boyfriend 5 and a half years ago (I was a bit giggly about it too), he wasn’t the “perfect man” I had envisioned. He didn’t even come close to my weird height requirement of 6’2″. But he made me laugh, thought I was cute, and sang tenor in the choir; I was hooked. Now 5 and a half years later, we’ve been through ups and downs that I am truly thankful he was by my side for. And like your husband, he didn’t break up with me when I decided to join AmeriCorps and serve a state away. But I do believe a little bit in fate: my wonderful boyfriend may have made the baseball team instead of choir. We would have met on campus (small Catholic colleges are like that), but he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to start the argument about a toaster that started it all.
I love this!! And read and lived by EVERYONE of those books…Dating goodbye, lady in waiting etc…. Great summary of real life!
You are young, my dear. Viewing God, your Bible and other aspects of your life through your youthful lens obscures the unstoppable advances of time and experience. When you are young, life is all about choices and future; when you’re middle aged it’s about your history, a past — and the realization that life is a one way trip. Give yourself 20 years and re-read this piece. Let’s see if you still hold the same views.
During our first marriage counseling session, our priest (in odoxy, layman can marry and later become priests) sat us down and said, “Over the years, Marsha (his wife) and I have come to realize that we probably could have married other people and been just as happy. So…the idea that there are “soul mates”…well, it probably doesn’t exist.” Marriage has great times and some really not-so-great times, but that doesn’t mean it’d be better with someone else….(thanks, Hollywood…)
Wow! At first I thought the title would tell me a story about a broken marriage or something along those lines, but hey I’m really encouraged after reading it! I’m 20 and I’ve just finished reading “Say Hello to Courtship” which is written by the same author as “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and it was really mind changing. However, I still do believe that in some occasions God actually has “stocks” for some people. Sorry to disagree with you on this notion but I’ve known a life story in which God actually spoke to both the man and the woman that they were meant for each other when they just met! That’s actually my parents’ love story. They came from a different socio-economic background, my mum was a villager while my dad was a child of a well off and respected man in town. Then it was when my mum met him where he worked that both of them had heard this tiny little voice saying, “the person standing in front of you is the person who truly loves you.” Yes it sounds like I make it up, but both of them told me the same story. But then again, I agree with you that as singles, we’re not to focus our whole life searching for the right time to meet the right person and to fall in love in the right way then to have the right life together, instead we focus more on our relationship with God 🙂 I believe too that as we focus on God, we’ll be transformed into a better person and that would automatically change how we interact with people around us so we will ultimately find the one person who can help balance our lives for ever! Surely we can also rest our hope on God so that maybe He’ll send one of His stocks and will arrive in time for us 😉 If it’s not that way, I’m sure the alternative ways God intend us to have will also be a great journey finding our life partner 😀
Loved the part about being single and happy! It’s hard for me to imagine having a husband, which doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but when people tell me oh, “you’ll definitely find the one who’s meant for you”, it makes me think they are living on the moon! Refreshing to hear someone say, “maybe it won’t happen, but doesn’t mean you will end up a cat lady!!” (I put words in your mouth). Great post!
Well. Said. This has been so helpful to read.
Reblogged this on naolms and commented:
What a great post!! Every woman should read this!!
Reblogged this on JoeJoeeey and commented:
food for the heart mmmmmm
Your blog entry is spreading like wildfire. I have seen it at least 5 times on my fb feed this morning.. Thanks for sharing! God Bless!
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I love this!! After all the marriage classes and bible studies and being married for 7 years my view on soul mates has changed a lot. I never believed in soul mates and now I do. I believe we are to love our spouses to their soul. To fufill their needs and make the feel complete. Not someone who is perfect for you. I didn’t think my husband and I were soul mates but I think we are becoming soul mates as we grow and learn together.
A friend shared your post with me and I love it! I recently wrote a blog post about “The Lies We Are Inadvertently Told” about how life is supposed to go and how we are just supposed to wait for God to bring us a husband. You can check it out here- http://teachergonecrafty.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-lies-we-are-inadvertently-told.html . Thanks for sharing your perspective on marriage. I’m learning a lot about what it means to find THE one and the choice we have in it. 🙂
Many are the plans of a man, but God’s purposes will prevail. I think we are to make plans; and they will be as varied as we are. In the end however, God’s will will be done. We don’t have to be robotic or live cookie-cutter lives; we are free to express His love through our gifts in our generation. I agree we have infinite options of choice and a free will.
Coming across this article caused me to add your blog to my feedly. It resonates with me both as a married man and as a pastor who must guide others in the often choppy waters of dating/courtship/engagement/marriage. I was sorry to learn of how much some of the comments have hurt. May the Lord bless and keep you.
LOVE this. Also hate the tripe about your husband being your best friend. Yes, ok, I guess you could sort of say that because he IS closer to me than anyone else. But he’s not a friend, he’s family, part of me, the one I chose to unite with for Life. 23 years in November, no regrets. 🙂
While you make a great point that we should “seek first the kingdom of God” and that we shouldn’t feel entitled to either marriage or singleness, that doesn’t mean we can say “God doesn’t care” if or whom we marry. Rather, it’s because we trust God with such details that we go on seeking the kingdom first. God sovereignly calls/ordains some of us to be single some to be married (1 Cor 7:6-17). And it’s all for the good of those who love the Lord (Rom 8:28).
I have struggled over the years wondering, since my husband and I are not soul mates, if I married the wrong person. At the same time, it would break my heart to think that he should have married someone else. Thanks for your post. I’ve never really heard it put like this before. I still to prefer to think that I have been the ” perfect one” for him these last 34 years!
i just had this discussion with my dad last week! But it was he who insisted that God had a perfect person for those he calls to marriage. I’m going to send this to him. And I’m going to keep a link in my favorites so that when my daughter and my sons reach that age, they can read it too. Thank you!
The rest is “frosting” Love that! 🙂
Reblogged this on Jenn's Faith and commented:
I found this post by way of a family’s Facebook post. Of course the title caught my eye. After so many talk of “soul mates” and finding the “right one” . . . this post is very refreshing and affirming. I hope you read it and gather the wisdom from it. Thanks to Hannah for posting this.
Sounds like her father read my book: _Decision Making God’s Way: A New Model for Knowing God’s Will_ (originally published by Baker, now available used or through the LOGOS system).
a couple of thoughts..
i am 26 and was part of the journaling-to-a-future-husband movement in my teens. pretty soon i decided it was silly because realistically i wasn’t going to meet someone who could actually be a husband for at least another decade or so, so i quit writing to a future someone and just wrote regular entries. it’s the same reason i thought dating before you could drive was dumb–i mean, would you really ask your mom to drive you to mcdonalds and pay for your “date”?
a couple of months before my 25th birthday, i picked it back up again because all of a sudden, meeting someone who i could actually marry was more of a possibility. now i don’t know about the rest of you, but my entries still look fairly regular, except they are addressed to a (hopefully) future someone, and deal with much tougher things than i ever wrote about before. i am a verbal processor, so i flesh out frustrations, ideas, crises of faith. plus, who i am today fundamentally informs who i will be tomorrow. now that i am a grownup, there isn’t a ton of drastic change like there was during my teens and the post-college transition. hopefully i will meet someone someday, and if he reads what i’ve written over the last 2 years or so, i think it will help him understand me better–so i don’t think there’s anything wrong with future letters, so long as motivation and expectations are clear.
as for all of the girls who are poking fun at their teenage selves swooning over dreamy, shaggy/side-swept-haired, band shirt-wearing, guitar-playing boys…those boys are still around. they haven’t gone anywhere. i see new ones all the time in my youth group. however, the original ones haven’t gone away either. they just got older and their taste in fashion changed a bit; now they’re wearing suits or fitted jeans and button-downs instead. i mean, YOU don’t still run around in butterfly clips, jelly bracelets and weird chokers, do you? i know i ditched the dark lipstick while i was still in my teens..
I don’t know why you got so much flack for this post. I think you are spot on. There is way too much pressure placed on young Christians to find “the one,” implying that “the one” will be easier to love than anyone else who you could marry because they’re perfect for you and it’s comfortable. Thanks for the reminder that love is a choice. I’m not married but it sounds like you have to make the decision to submit and die to yourself a lot. And I like the idea also that God doesn’t owe us a husband (or wife). That’s not the point of life, and marriage seems a LOT harder than singleness!
This shatters my views of my future relationships (if I am to have any) and gives me a new outlook on the one I’m in now. I’m still young, only 19, but I haven’t dated in a couple years and am really hesitant about opening up. Because he’s wonderful, yes, tall, yes, funny, yes, in love with The Lord, yes, and has a great amount of care for me as well, but in the back of my head I have this annoying voice saying, you could do better. And it is planted by this very idea you speak of. That one day my future husband will be as suave as Joseph Gorden Levitt and swoop me onto his horse and we will ride off into the sunset together. But really, it’s my choice. And now I feel horrible that I have this superficial unrealistic fairy tale in my head that won’t ever happen because it’s taking away the chance of happiness I can have with this guy. Haha, I wish I knew how to break this mental prison.
I do believe in soul mates, and I do believe that God is interested in who you marry! http://godlygift1.wordpress.com/
Soul mate nonsense is nothing more than idolatry.
Good writing. Dads like yours are cool.
signed,
another dad
Hannah, I admire the way you can jump out and beautifully write things about your life and marriage and the way you feel about it. I am so happy that God has given us all a brain with which to think and a heart with which to feel; but am saddened by the comments from some unthinking and unfeeling people out in the world who feel they have the right to judge what you have to say. Please keep writing for your family and friends…..you are a treasure to them and to many others who love what you write!
Here’s how I see it, as a Zen practitioner and a new follower of Christ: whether God has a plan or not, you can’t know the future for certain. In other words, even if there is a plan, nothing you do will allow you to reach His end, since you can’t know that end. If you remain focused on the idea of finding a husband, your attention will be on that, worshiping the prospect, nay, illusion of predicting the future. Love, on the other hand, is a complete engagement with creation, and also God Himself. Faith could be described as trust in the process of engaging with creation, while hope could be described as trust in the outcome of creation. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” [1 Corinthians 13]. The author’s father is correct. Embrace the chaos; God bless.
I remember praying so much for God to reveal if the man I wanted to marry was ‘the one’. My now husband after he asked me got the scripture that it is good for man to find a wife a day after he purposed… but I go NOTHING! I was so nervous that I would do something wrong. I was praying one day and I felt like God spoke to me saying I was his child. God showed me that I will raise my kids to make good decisions and that when they go to choose a college, a husband/wife etc they will be wise enough to make good chooses (i hope). God then reminded me again that I was his child and he leads me and has raised me up to be able to choose a man that I can love everyday. I am so thankful I choose my husband of almost 8 years. He encourages me and blesses my life all the time. This is really encouraging! Thanks for sharing!
I LOVE your dad – smart man
Hello Hannah.
Thank you for the sharing. I know some friends who have been through the same thing but not many have come out of it with that perspective. Some may still bitter & angry that they were told some what ideal & expectation that never was out of context. But thanks for sharing – really has blessed my day and given me inspiration for my next poetry/song.
I think in the innocence & hope of finding God we wanted so much to find ourselves – but in marriage you realize what living for someone else really means – and our previous ideal were challenged with the ‘real’.
Thanks again. Live & Love.
I love this blog post! I found it via a college friend on Facebook. You nailed it for me! I too was a teenager in the late 90’s (although it sounds I was slightly older than you) so I really identified with your experience. Despite what friends may have always talked about I never did believe in soul mates even as a starry eyed teen and young 20’s girl. I’ve always felt that you could be compatible for marriage with multiple men. It’s all about who you choose to marry and love forever. There’s not one perfect person for each of us. It’s refreshing to read it from another person as well.
I agree wholeheartedly!
Last year I wrote a similar blog post entitled, “Stop Looking for a Soul Mate.” Some of your readers may enjoy reading this as well.
http://timandolive.com/stop-looking-for-a-soul-mate/
But how do you know that marrying this guy wasn’t in God’s will? Often times, we think we know what’s best for our lives and our hearts when what actually happens is contradictory to what we think we wanted….
I pre-date you by a good number of years, but also had an upbringing in a full-on church environment. We had it drummed into us that we must marry christian partners. My first girlfriend had the audacity to dump me after four years and marry someone else. – My world almost ended. I had thought she was my soul-mate and was to be my partner for life.
I’m glad to say my world didn’t end and I went on to marry Dianne. Dianne wasn’t viewed as a soul-mate but I can tell you that as we built our relationship over the next 38 years, Dianne became not just my wife, but my lover, my best friend, my travel partner, a mother to our 4 boys. There was no one else I would rather be with. We became “one flesh” – soul mates.
When cancer took her from me just over two years ago I thought my world would surely end this time, and I would never love anyone else.
Well I can tell you God is gracious and he has brought me in contact with someone I knew over 40 years ago and we have begun building a relationship. I have learned to love again.
I think you are very clever and right. Great writing.
Reblogged this on Mommy Learns the Ropes and commented:
This blog totally nailed it. Would love to write something about the man I chose to be with for the rest of my life.
Girl, this speaks right to me! Love it!!!
Reblogged this on Devyne Delphi.
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While I agree with some of what you have to say, I suggest you be careful, because what you say does pose questions as to the sovereignty of God, and also infers you know the mind of God better than God does. This all really has to do with embedded theology, and I can see that you got some of your “God’s hands off” theology from your dad. My mom is the same way. I however (even having my mind stretched in seminary) believe that God can be involved in the most minor details of life, because he is God and can do what he wants. I believe he has a lot more to do in the grand scheme of things about who I married…. but that is what I believe….
Really interesting blog post… You can check out my thoughts here: http://thesweetestnest.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-husband-is-my-one-person.html
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Thank You! I really enjoyed reading this today of all days, it is our 16th wedding anniversary. I am going to share this with all of my sisters and my daughter.
Reblogged this on Grace Alternative.
I love this concept! Thomas S. Monson, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, “Choose your love. Love your choice.” I always thought that was a profound principle, like you pointed out clearly, love is a daily choice we make and not some mystical force that falls upon us. Life is about acting and not being acted upon, love is the same.
This video does a good job of showing the concept of choosing to love every day. Plus, it’s adorable so it should be seen ha.
It grieved me to read this article. All I could think was that the writer is very young to have posted such an article for the world to read. While she makes some valid points, I think some of her beliefs are not entirely accurate. Yes, we have freewill. Yes we can marry any number of people and have a successful marriage. And yes, love is a daily choice. Every Christian needs to go into marriage knowing that. But, my God is a mighty God, omnipresent, omniscient, perfect. He knows the number of hairs on my head and when every sparrow falls. He indeed wants to bless and prosper me as He does all his children. So why then would I believe for a single moment that He does not have the best mate -soul mate if you will – handpicked for me? I can not. I believe with every ounce of my being that God orchestrated the meeting between my husband and I, that we were indeed intended to be together despite the many obstacles, and had I chosen to walk away and marry someone else, I may have been happy but I would have missed out on the tremendous love and blessings God has poured on us. To doubt that God cares enough to select our mate when He wants to be a part of every nook and cranny of our lives, to have a say in every decision in our lives is like saying you don’t have enough trust in Him for this monumental part of your life. I see it as spitting in His face. I don’t mean to sound harsh but that is how I see it. So I will encourage our children to pray and seek The One God has intended for them, not point out that they can make it with anyone if they work at it. God has something infinitely perfect and wonderful for each of them – and yes that may be staying single, which is perfectly fine if it is God’s plan – and I do pray they won’t settle for anything less than the perfect love God has planned for them with their “soul mate”.
Two things in reply:
This isn’t an article; it’s a post on a personal blog.
How can you say one person’s personal beliefs are inaccurate? Along those lines I then say the belief claims you made in your comment are not accurate.
Part of the author’s point is about having your own relationship with God and growing into the person God wants you to be.
“mysweetstories”, your feelings about the post certainly reflect a strong stereotype about how God accomplishes his will in the world. Henry Blackaby’s writings (father and son) reflect this view of how God works. The big problem, however, is “does the Bible actually teach/promote a search for God’s ‘secret’ will in order to make the ‘right’ decision?” There is no doubt that we can all be thankful for God’s positive providence in the process of our lives, but that is different than proposing a model for making decisions.
This discussion format is not the place to unpack that massive question, but it is one that we all need to research. I merely encourage serious reflection about what the Bible actually teaches and that can start with my publication on the subject that I mentioned earlier.
I was really not trying to start any negativity. It just broke my heart to read this. I wish God’s blessings on the many Christians who have replied to this blog. If they find encouragement in it then that is surely what the author intended, of that I’ve no doubt. It had the opposite affect on me and I was compelled to reply. Perhaps I shouldn’t have.
No need to regret your post…it reflects where you are in your reflections about the subject. That is an important ingredient in Christian discussions. The only regret would be for you … or any of us … to quit thinking about the subject and assume we know what we need to know.
I think for the majority of people, living in permissive will and grace to …relax in today rather wait for tomorrow is a giant relief. But you have to consider Rebecca at the well, Boaz, Eve… yes, I believe that God will bless us in our daily choices, but I also believe wholeheartedly that he is much more involved than we’d sometimes like him to be, and if we’re willing to get uncomfortable long enough to hear him, grace might also look like a different path.
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Wow. Thanks for the lead in for some great discussions with my daughters. 🙂 While I’ll never say God won’t ever lead you into something, starting from this perspective, putting much more responsibility on us to rationally evaluate ourselves and our relationships, seems like a more honest clear-headed way to develop relationships. Maybe asking for God to help us be authentic truth sayers, seekers and finders is more how we should spend our emotional energy. Love your honesty. Keep it up.
Reblogged this on He, She and the One Between 3 – The Us and commented:
i agree completely. Life is a group sport a co-op of sorts. His plans involve us making decisions, not sitting on the sidelines waiting for “fate” to make them for us….Your article was articulated nicely.
Omg! I didn’t know there was someone who thought exactly like I did on this exact subject! I love your post
After 35 years of being married to my wonderful husband, I agree whole heartedly with you. We choose to love and continue loving those who are important to us.
So I typed out an outrageously long comment but it was ridiculous (could have been my own blog entry- I get quite riled up about this subject). Just know that I so appreciate the way you’ve addressed this topic. And MAJOR kudos to both of your parents for how they addressed this with you and the truth they spoke. I wish that was the approach of more youth leaders today (and back when I was in youth group).
While I believe that it is true that you can have a great marriage with any number of folks, I also believe that God has that one person in mind for you, if He intends for you to marry. God’s over all plan is for you to be more Christ-like, and to have a relationship with Him. However, there is more to it. He has a very specific plan too. Consider the following verses:
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.
Psalms 37:23
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10
“Step” and “works” speak of specifics, not a general direction. There have been times in my own life that I knew that God had placed me exactly where He wanted me because He meant to use me in a very specific, not general, way. And yes, He specifically showed me what that was. We do not always get it right, but we need to seek each day what God has for us for that day.
This is so brilliant and refreshing! I too had this same thinking! I watched it and am still watching it do damage on girls and women in the church. My “list” changed every year! Haha… So glad I married someone so opposite from that list!!!! You should speak at a women’s conference! Or a young ladies conference! You have a gift of writing and speaking! People need this truth!
Absolutely loved this. ““God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.” I love that you so practically put what my dad has been saying my entire life, “God gave you a brain right? Use it!” Started following your blog on bloglovin… the way you write is like sitting down with your best friend over coffee. Thank you! Keep on keepin on!
This is ao brilliant and refreshing! I too thought the same way! The funny thing is, my “list” changed every year! Quite normal for a 13 year old! The problem is a lot of girls and woman have been damaged from this way of thinking! It makes you feel like you could miss who
God has for you and there is way too many ungodly expectations that get placed over ones life! I too had a dad who was gracious enough to speak the truth into my life! I lived in Australia and moved back early because God “said” this was the one! Well no he wasn’t and I’m so glad! My husband now is more than I ever deserve and dreamed of. I went back and read a letter I wrote to my future hubby…. Freaking gag me!!! We laughed and laughed. It was so embarrassing! Yeah and he even said yeah my list would have been, I hope she’s hot!!! He was too busy thinking about cool cars! You have a true gift of writing and speaking! I hope you do a conference of some sort! Thank you for sharing! Exactly what was in my heart, you were a lot more eloquent and nicer than I could have ever been!!!!
It needed to be said. Thanks for saying it.
-M
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Very true! As a teenager I believed I would marry a hot Christian guy who is a virgin and we would become missionaries with four children. I also believed I would meet him in college and get married right afterwards. Fast forward a few heartaches and into my later twenties… I married one of my best guy friends who initially bored me, is average looking, and is not in fact a virgin. All of which I am perfectly fine with because he’s so dang good to me, makes me laugh (now), and loves the Lord. As for missionary work… I would much rather provide the funds for someone else to do it. Not my cup of tea.
In my opinion, parts of what she is saying is totally true- when you marry someone they become THE one no matter what. I believe this is more reactionary to the “I kissed dating goodbye” stuff than anything else. If God could have a plan for creation of the universe, redemption of mankind, the nation of Israel, the local church, the early church fathers, the turning of Saul to Paul, the 95 thesis, the knitting of my life in my mothers womb…then I’m compelled to believe that he could also create one specific person as a gift to me and I to them. You can think this through for your own theology, but mine is settled on this issue.
If I knew this true 12 years ago I certainly would have avoid a divorce lots of frustrations .
But because of that experience I found a best friend when I remarried currently husband .
100%agreed Hannah no by theory but by experience.
YD
When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.” 3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.
Hosea 1:2
So it was good but one thing, if God didn’t pair up people but they are the result of human choices, then we are all the productSo it was good but one thing, if God didn’t pair up people but they are the result of human choices, then we are all the products of just random choices….and it ruins psalm 139
139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Thank you, HannaH! Godbless you and James!
This should be required reading for young girls. Beautifully written and smart. I wish you and your husband a lifetime of happiness.
hi hannah. i’m not sure if you are still replying to this post…
but i pray that you are!
i just read this.. and i am so torn.
i just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because i felt like he wasn’t a man who was living to please and serve the Lord. I also grew up in a missions-based church, where the heart of our church is to make disciples of all nations.
i’m not saying that that is wrong, but im beginning to wonder if my mindset is wrong on the standards i place on others. – are we not all called to be missionaries?
i understand what your post is saying, but there are so many other deeper questions i feel need to be resolved. i’m so torn.
i love this man and i have been devastated since we broke up. but i just keep holding on to the truth that there is man who “actually loves the Lord and is seeking Him and living for Him.”
am i stuck in an idealistic view of a ‘ Christian person ‘ ? or.. not idealistic but… a pharisee-like standard? I DONT KNOW!
please e-mail me if you get the chance to read this~
thank you for your heart to share this post. ❤
Hello CSTUDENTS,
I read your comment and just have to ask you what does “actually loves the Lord and is seeking Him and living for Him” mean? It’s a very general description. Does it mean “going into the missions field” or “serving on a church staff” or “urban ministries”?
Blessings.
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This piece is winsome in the humility I perceive: it is okay that we do not have all the answers, answers for all the world about us, and answers in our own lives. So often, we are taught that the answers are all there, available to us if we fill-in-the-blank, where that usually means we are some permutation of what we think a “good” Christian is. God is God, and there is truly much more that we do not know than what we do know. Embracing God with God’s mystery is…is something I suspect to be part of Christlikeness…
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Just found this today. AMEN Hannah!
Shortly after my 50th birthday my Christian wife (whom I met at my church singles group) had an affair with her boss and left me after 13 years of marriage, leaving our daughter (now 11) in the middle. Last year, after more than five years on numerous dating sites, yes… including all the most respected Christian ones, I met a wonderful, yet decidedly imperfect and mortal woman who has chosen to build a life with imperfect, mortal me–one day, one brick, at a time–and we’re getting married next month. But only after having endured over five years of wading through a seemingly endless mine field of ditsy teenagers in 45-55 year old bodies who wouldn’t invest more than one or two dates in getting to know me because, they said, the “chemistry” wasn’t there.. “chemistry,” of course, being the latest euphemism for exactly the sort of naive, fairy-tale fantasies that you’ve written about here. And sadly, the Christian women I met were the worst. Secular women do not have the option of blaming their choices on anyone else, and as such might possibly learn from their mistakes some day. However Christian women always have the option of passing off blatantly unrealistic relationship fantasies as being “God’s Will for their lives” After all, “with God all things are possible”… including cost-free, effortless relationships with perfect men, whether they actually exist or not. How refreshing it is to hear a Christian woman speak up and name this sort of thing for what it is. Thank you!
Btw, I’ve written about some of these things myself at one of my own websites:
http://www.scottchurchdirect.com/reflection.aspx/sparks-and-leaves
http://www.scottchurchdirect.com/reflection.aspx/reaping-what-we-sow
http://www.scottchurchdirect.com/reflection.aspx/chemistry-and-ladders
Admittedly, the last one was written at the end of a long string of disappointments, when I was pretty frustrated. Anyway, thanks again… from a Christian man who’s been on the receiving end of what you wrote about here far too often in life.
Best.
beautiful….im totally at loss for words but describes exactly how I feel about my marriage…
Exactly what I needed to read this Saturday morning. Thank you!
My friend sent me this article and asked me what I think about it, and this is what I had to say:
I like it, lol! For many reasons actually! The truth is one could be compatible with any number of people; the difference is simply who choose to make it work with. I myself, (having so many numerous (yes, a double positive I know) options, could imagine my life with several in the choice few slots; but with each one of those men, I know that my life would be different. So at the end of the day, I can’t say that God has any exact choice for us either. I think I’ve been led to the piont of understanding that God has left it up to me who I would like to marry, however, he needs to be a few things, Godly among those things. I keep seeing my life with this one, and with that one, but at the end of the day, which of those will make me happiest? Is it the man or is it the lifestyle that comes with the man? I think it was wise advice her father gave her, and all I can say is pick wisely, because when you do pick, as a Christian you are obligated to stick it out. I mean yes, God makes provisions for his people, these days we have divorce, but even that option is not optimal. Otherwise, remember, when you choose, we’re looking at that person as they are, and seeing how they may grow in the future, and whether those future’s are compatible as well, or what our children would be like if you bottled the best of both of our personality’s into one bottle? And all those qualities they have, will they one day be annoying or is this man someone I can continue to love even when times get hard? And more importantly, can that person, or does that person bring out optimal qualities in me, do we bring them out in eachother, or one day will the sort of connection we have destroy us both; or will traits of one eventually destroy the other? What habits does he have; do I want to pass those on to my children? Just things to consider… Still, all in all I would say, I know many people, who are my kindred spirits, or who I may consider soulmates because they understand me in unimaginable ways; but still I can’t say that I ever would have deemed any of the guys I dated as a soulmate, they are simply icing on the cake, and my soulmates are the lifelong friends I choose to surround myself around whether my marriage works out or not. So I choose, and God wants me to select well…He will bless the rest, my thoughts…
Margaret, you said it well. I have come to learn that God wants to be our portion in terms of the Fruit of the Spirit but gives us a new heart so we can make wise decisions.
if He brought the perfect person in our lives, would we have the eyes to see them and would we have the wisdom to act maturely in our new role with that perfect person. I believe that pursuing Christ and by living Christ-like we mature to the point that any other Christ-like person will be kindred. Ever met a Christian somewhere else in the world and it seems like you’ve known each other for years. You can even have deep heartfelt personal conversations as a Christian witness…and become great friends.
Anytime someone shares their personal desires and dreams and fears and concerns with the opposite sex they will become attracted and even fall in love with that person. For this reason, sharing too much too deep too soon in a relationship can be disastrous.
This is why one needs a true friend or parent or sibling who can tell you the truth about things you cannot see;;; like getting yourself in a snow globe and believing it is the whole world… Must have Christian wisdom before Christian relationships…at least a counsel of many.
What a great blog post and comments!!!!! They all resonate with every thought we’ve had over the past two decades! This has been one of the most edifying and enjoyable conversations I have entered into in years!!!! God bless you all!!
I am a father of three fabulously wonderful children (daughter, son, daughter) now having their own children (11 grandchildren to date). They all married wonderful spouses, all believers in the Lord! We were all very involved in our charismatic/evangelical “fellowship” church & youth/college/marriage/mens/womens/parenting/missions groups during their teen and college age years. My wife and I mentored youth and young adults in the fine art of becoming mature Christian adults to be ready when the Lord “brings you your promised spouse”. Our daughters had the “Jesus is my Husband” artifacts and all the “Christian dating” and “Christian courtship” books and videos. We even lead a “Passion Power 98” workshop on Christian marriage preparation….It was as much a grueling upward force-march as it was wonderful memorable blessed season in our lives. We were all newer Christians (less than 7 years) and riding on the promises of God. Yet we were raining spirited teens who were obviously more aware and smarter than we were (thank God)…but we didn’t dare admit it… aren’t parents suppose to be smarter than their children?? We only had a few things going for us… we had experience in life, we had divine authority as parents, and we were much older than the youth pastor whom they really trusted, and we held the checkbook (and we were aware of overcoming heathen-hood that they hadn’t lived in like we did before getting saved late in life). Other than that, they had all the power fueled by pure Christian passion. We really did a good job appearing as parents who “led their children” and yet were actually chasing them as if they were geese.
We held firm in what we believed and drew hard lines in the sand…even in the pavement, In heated discussions they would challenge us to why we so firm in our approach and I would say “because we are raising you with our “promised” grandchildren in mind and we do not want to have to raise them because their parents are divorced or are too messed up or too immature to do the job.” I’d add verbiage like “I promise you that you will understand when you have your own marriages and children and jobs and all that goes with being a mature adult”.
Our youngest daughter (the most spirited) was our toughest battle as the devil wanted us to fail so much so he went after her while we were so so busy with all the other youth/college/marriage/mens/womens/parenting/missions/home/home groups activities with the other two and all the ones we mentored in our respective small groups. (She is now married to a wonderful spouse and mother of three spirited children just like her). Recently she asked me “What was I like as a teenage?”. Not wanting to bring up anything negative or visit old things the Lord has covered, such as how she spent 9 months on restriction when she was 15, I said was a time when the Lord developed our prayer life and taught us to walk with Him in every moment of life. “Why?” I asked. What she said next just nailed it…”Well”, she said, “I’ve been mentoring this young troubled teen and it is tough because she has no father and her single mother is busy with other things….she has no one to fight for her.” “Dad, I just want to thank you for fighting for me.” We have shared a lot of tears of joy over the years … the Lord knows I needed it… parenting is about living out God’s promises… the planting and cultivating are never in the same season as the harvest never…. such amazing grace!
I love this. My husband and I just recently had this conversation. Very wise to be a wife of only a year!
i dont know if you will read this, but this post actually really annoyed me. I see some truth in what you say and its so cool how you say that you make a daily choice to love your husband and everyone should definately do this. but you shoudlnt start putting down the whole writing letters to future husbands/wives thing, I personally do it and I dont sit there moaning about how i miss them and i wish they were here- I write about my life and what God is doing in my life and writing them is a reminder that right now, as a single lady who may or may not be married, that I will love my husband all the days of my life by respecting him and staying faithful (and that is biblical).
I also believe and have witnessed that when people dont choose who they want to marry and they honestly let God bring someone into eachothers lives, they have the most incredible relationships ever. so dont put that idea down. Fair enough, I believe we all make choices, but see when you abandon those choices to God, he honestly does the most incredible things ever through relationships with others. Again I want to highlight, the whole loving her husband and choosing to do that is really great and im so so glad you said that, because that is the best advice you can give to someone, and the issue of so many christian marriages is that they stop choosing to love their spouses and it becomes a chore. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that im obsessing over ‘the one’ and fantasize over what he will be like and I defintely dont agree with that. But if people honestly give that area of their lives to God and completely abandon that to him- cool things really do happen. When you let God bring you relationships (with friends/future spouses) and wait patiently on his timing for these things, it is just incredible what happens. I’ve witnessed it myself.
Until we were saved at around our 20th year of marriage, we literally worshiped each other and had a great relationship in the secular sense, but we could so easily offend one another because we did not have a Christian relationship… essentially we were two selfish people who fell in love, got married and had three kids with a lot of personal expectations…. all selfish and carnal.
We had to learn how to “love” each other as God wills it…it wasn’t out nature. We had to learn to worship the Lord and learn to serve one another…
Two quotes we learned to live out… and daily work at living these out…now at 39 years of marriage…
“Love is not a feeling… it is an act of the will.”
“If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”
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Reblogged this on Kali Mikelle .
God allows us to make bad choices all the time. There would be no place for the wisdom that is spoken of in Proverbs if that were not the case. We wouldn’t need wisdom if God’s love and omniscience meant that we could never make a poor choice. Some detractors on here are saying that they must have the best possible mate hand-picked by God or else God isn’t omniscient or omnipotent or loving. Newsflash: maybe he allowed you to marry someone who is slightly worse than someone else you could have married, in the same way that you could have chosen a better mortgage, or pair of shoes.
Did Jesus make the best choice when he died for you? Did you deserve it? Ah, but what great love he shows when he cares for us! What love we show when we overlook our partners’ faults and love them in spite of them. Ever think of that? Or is that “spitting in God’s face”?
Here’s another concept: God doesn’t share his omniscience with us. We know he has it, but that’s all we know about it. He didn’t send an angel to put a note under your pillow saying to marry Ed.
Knowing that God allows us to make a choice (or really to THINK we made a choice) puts more responsibility on us to make our marriages work. We have to accept responsibility for the choice we made, and to love that person. We can’t blame God for our marital problems and we can’t abjure the duty of loving that person.
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most girls dont think of this topic in such a way, but now reading this blog has really brought to light the little thought that always existed in the back of my mind to light. i always knew it wasnt true, but that, God allowes us to find the people most compatible to ourselves. thank you for sharing your heart.
Reblogged this on live free and commented:
This is my very first re-blog. I love this post, and I couldn’t agree more.
To love shouldn’t be based on feelings, it’s a daily decision that we have to make. ❤
Actually, Jesus didn’t make a “best” choice when He died for us. He submitted His will to His Father’s will, did He not? “Not My will but Your will be done.” Luke 22:42 At that point He had no choice so it seems to me. He honored His Father who made the choice. Genuine obedience has no choose in the matter. It is simply honor where there are no options and no other option can make sense. Did God give Adam and Eve a choice with guidance? He gave them a command and all they had to do was honor Him
If Jesus submitted, that means he had a choice.
Peter, Jesus was born in submission to the Father. He could only do the will of the Father. Where dis the choice when no other option is provided? He even asked the Father if there was another way. Jesus did the business of the Father at hand. He loved the Father and could only do His will…”Then Jesus answered them and said, “Truly, truly, I say to you; the Son can do nothing of himself [by his own will], but only does what he sees the Father do” [John 5:19]. Where is the choice? I think we mortals tend to project our limited context, especially the concept of choosing, onto Jesus.
I get what you’re trying to say, I really do. But I think all your emphasis on what God has or hasn’t done de-emphasises the sovereignty of God. He does have our lives ordained, for our good & for His glory. That does include a spouse, perfect for us in the sense that they (and all their foibles, insecurities & sins) are exactly what will sanctify us most & make us most ready to enjoy Heaven. So no, you don’t ruin the whole course of the universe as soon as you marry an unbeliever or a guy who turns out to be a loser, because God is still in control– but that doesn’t mean that that circumstance still isn’t in line with what God is planning on doing in your life & heart & community. The second you say “I do” you DO become “soulmates” in the sense that now you are no longer two? but one. It isn’t easy & you sure don’t always like the same thing, but you now are mystically joined for better or for worse. Don’t try to boil it too far down to choices, because even amidst man’s responsibility is the so-comforting truth of God’s sovereignty. He’s writing a Big Story, and amazingly, that even includes the details of how many hairs we have, where we will live (Acts 15), and yes, whom we will marry.
I somewhat disagree. I believe that God does have a plan for your life. but it is HIS plan, and its not always what we see as “a wonderful life.” but it’s what most benefits us in the long run because it brings us closer to Him and glorifies Him. you can’t be trying to tell me that with as big areas of my life as where I spend 4 years getting an education and especially who I spend the rest of my life with is something that God hasn’t given any sort of thought of, just leave me to figure it out. of course we have to submit and trust in His plan and because we are sinful we will often miss a lot of what He wanted for our lives. but He definitely isn’t sitting there going “yeah I haven’t given it much thought, just pick any person that strikes your fancy I guess”
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The author of this article criticizes the “soul mate” folks because they don’t seem to accept that they can control who they love; they think that their love is just inevitable. But she herself seems to believe that no matter what the man she has married will always be the man for her. She says that she “cannot fall out of love” with her husband. Isn’t that just another way of saying that her love is inevitable though?
How can she really making a conscious choice every day if it’s not even POSSIBLE for her to choose not to love him one day? If she already KNOWS that her feelings will never change, it doesn’t seem much different than the “soul mate” way of thinking. It would just be two different ways of saying she has no control over whether or not she loves her husband.
I think if she really wants to commit to the idea that we do not have soul mates, then she has to come to terms with the fact that every day is a day that she may or may not choose to love her husband anymore. THAT would make her love a real matter of choice every day. And it would make the fact that her love continues every day that much more beautiful.
Interested to hear what others’ thoughts are!
Marriage’s about COVENANT made in the presence of God where 2 ppl VOW to love one another (which also resembles the relationship of Christ and the church) for better for worse, for richer for poorer…I think that itself, if without God’s permission (He’s Omniscience btw), won’t happen also.
With that aside, personally I think the main point this person wanna say in ‘My husband is not my soul mate’ is that we mustn’t be limited by what we’ve heard in the past about ‘THE ONE’. We end up waiting and waiting and in the process of waiting, we actually did nothing or chose to do nothing (waiting for the durian to fall) and in some way ‘missed out’ the opportunities (which the Lord provided) to meet some1 ‘marriage compatible’ (sry for the ‘Pacific Rim-ish’ language).
I’ve read Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris and if I remember correctly, one of the point he’s trying to say is the preparation of oneself for marriage – to keep ourselves holy, be the best we can be for our future partner – and not to ‘open the Christmas gift be4 Christmas’. It’s not just ‘dating’ a person but to be in a ‘courtship’ with marriage as goal.
Joshua Harris quoted ‘the right thing at a wrong time is a wrong thing’. Ecclesiastes 3 also reminds us there’s a time and season for every activity (purpose in KJV) under heaven. Personally I would say the question is to ask ourselves whether we’re READY (physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc) for marriage or not especially when our own life isn’t really ‘settled down’ yet.
The advise that made a huge difference for me was: run as hard and fast on the path God has set before you and when someone runs along next to you take notice… This is not some mystical path but rather the same purpose God gives to all those who choose to live in His grace, through Jesus, and with Him as Lord: To know Him, as Savior, Lord and King, and to live a life bringing Him glory!
When I stopped searching for the one (even though I never really would have said outright that I was) I found the ‘one’ (because I chose her to be the one the day I asked her to marry me); she loves Jesus, loves me and makes me happy, oh and to adjust 14 year old Jame’s quote for myself “my wife IS hott” and I praise the Lord for the wife I have!
I do agree that my husband is not my soul mate. My soul belongs to Jesus. However I DO NOT agree with the statement ” it is also not a specific element of God’s “plan for my life.” There is no doubt that God had my husband picked out for me. There is no doubt that my husband was part of God’s plan for my life. It would take me two pages to tell you my story of how God worked in my life of how he spoke to me about my choice of a husband. I have been married for 21 years to the man that GOD intended for me to marry. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband was all a part of his plan for my life.
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Well said. I’ve been married 20 years and totally agree. The soul mate idea sets people up for discontent which leads them away from their spouse, rather than towards them. Let’s keep choosing to love, even when we don’t feel like it!
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It’s almost impossible to live up to being “THE ONE” as well. I married my wife and had little understanding that her picture of life was all roses and sunshine where Romeo swept her away every day. I killed myself for too long trying to figure out how to be the man she had been warped into thinking I should be. It suffocated me and she became cold when I didn’t measure up to being “THE ONE” she’d dreamed about. Real life doesn’t deal with “THE ONE” it deals with the facts of every day life and the burdens that comes with. Trying to be “THE ONE” can very well kill you and or your relationship. Ladies please give up this fantasy and give your man a fighting chance. He wants nothing more than to please you but you’ve got to give him reason to.
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Hannah
Having previously commented, I have been reading through a sample of responses and can understand that you will have been completely overwhelmed by the viral nature of your post. I just wanted to add a few words of encouragement.
1. You have reached the heart of many people with a bold and heartfelt post
2. The very fact it has reached so many people is because they have shared it because they love it and feel a resonance with it.
3. There are always those who will disagree, and there are also those who will choose to be offended – some of those will not have recognised that this was your own personal opinion innocently shared, and they accordingly may have responded inappropriately..
4. The responses are overwhelmingly positive, please don’t feel threatened or put-off by the ‘nay-sayers’, Our Father has used your words to heal people, and not everyone has been able to accept what you have said.
Bless you and your husband and please keep seeking the will of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
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I don’t spend time reading posts at all! This one was amazing! Great storytelling! Great woman of God! May God bless you abundantly and give you and your husband all the love you guys can hold!
There goes my bubble. But that definitely changed my perspective of seeing things. I used to think that God would choose ONE man for me. Guess not! God bless xx
I may not agree with everything in this post, but I can certainly relate to most of it. I, too, did the letters to my future spouse and cried into that journal. I even circled the teardrops and drew an arrow pointing to them with the words “REAL TEARS!!” just to hammer my point home. 🙂 I was completely caught up in the idea of The One. I prayed to God one day, asking him if my current love interest was The One. God spoke to me very clearly and said that the person He had for me is someone I never would’ve expected to end up with. I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but the message was unmistakable. Many years later, my mom told me she’d had a vision of my future husband, and described him in detail (his hair color, skin tone, how we would meet, the time of year we would meet, things he would say upon meeting me, etc.). I kept my eyes open for years, looking for that person. Then I met him. But I didn’t fall in love with him. I tried to for a long time, thinking it was all part of God’s plan so I had to go along with it. Plus, I figured my not falling in love with him right away was what God meant by him being someone I never would’ve expected to end up with. After 3 years of trying (unsuccessfully) to fall in love with that guy, I realized I’d been in love with someone else that whole time. All of a sudden, everything made sense. The complication? The man I love was already married. I missed out on the person I was meant to be with because I didn’t tell him how I felt about him before it was too late. When I finally did tell him, he said he’d always had feelings for me, too, and he wished I would’ve said something sooner. I’ve done everything in my power to move on with my life and get over him, but I will never love anyone else as much as I love him.
I hate the words “soul mate” but I do believe certain people are meant for each other. God telling me he had someone specific for me was not my imagination, so I know that concept is real. I believe God does have a plan for us, but it’s up to us to follow that plan and I, foolishly, did not. I’ve come to believe that, rather than being puppets on strings that He manipulates, we’re more like ants in an ant farm that He sits back and watches over but allows us to do what we want with what He has given us. I wish I’d had the courage to go after the one thing that would’ve made me truly happy rather than thinking “if it were meant to be, God would’ve made it happen.” I see now how wrong I was to let the person I was meant to be with slip away. Your advice is good: don’t sit around and wait for The One to just fall into your lap. If you think you have a “soul mate” out there, it’s up to you to find them and do something about it.
First of all, DC, it’s far better to not marry someone and wish you had, than to marry someone and wish you hadn’t. At least you still are in the running.
God is not the god of “you blew your one chance and you’ll never be blessed again”. This is exactly the situation in which Christians really get blessed by God! I walked out on my job and thought I’d never be able to support my family again unless I drove a cab or delivered pizza. But I was blessed with a much better job at a better company with much better opportunities.
He has given us His Word to follow. He wants us to walk in His light and trust Him. Please don’t trust “oracles” or “prophetesses”, even if its your mother. None of us is spiritual enough to receive specific words of instruction from God, like a fortune cookie.
Just because you and this guy had the hots for each other doesn’t mean he was right for you. God can bless you at any point in your life. Don’t limit Him!
When I was 18 I thought I would never love someone as much as the girl I was dating at the time. Talk about puppy love. I’m sooo glad she dumped me for someone else. Fast forward a few years and I’m head over heals for this alluring woman who had a personality like a door post, but she was fawned over by everyone at the church and the Christian college she attended. She specialized in staring in a particular guy’s eyes for a few weeks until she found someone else to stare at. Again, good riddance, but you couldn’t tell me that at the time.
Remember, you can’t limit God. Just walk in His light, and by that I mean stay in His word, stay in fellowship. Rely on Him for all things and acknowledge Him for all things. Keep facing Him and he’ll bring someone to you, or else remove your desire for marriage.
Peter, I think your advice ” he’ll bring someone to you, or else remove your desire for marriage” is not completely accurate…or hep me to get your reasoning on this. Why would God give someone the desire to marry and then take it away? Actually, what happens is that God wants your desire for Him to exceed your desire for anything else…otherwise it becomes idolotry.
How do you know every desire everyone has is from God?
Greetings Peter,
concerning your question: “How do you know every desire everyone has is from God?”
The desire and the character of the desire are different things… will the desire for “love” is from God, the desire for “lustful things” is a perversion of that desire. It’s not two different desires, but rather two forms of the same desire: one is lawful and the other is lawless.
God designed us to desire Him and to desire righteousness…but we being from a fallen state we are deceived into using our God-given desires for ungodly pursuits. Natural desires for the opposite sex are God’s implanting in us…. for us to share wonderful experiences together. But the devil has perverted every good thing into counterfeits that look and feel and function just like the righteous thing. Yes, God designed us to desire many kinds of things on many different levels, all good…..but when hearts are perverted & corrupted those desires for good things get twisted into lusts.
Isn’t our main desire supposed to be to worship our King? But to the unsaved it is foolishness.
Since we are distant from God, we can’t see what God sees, but He gives us clues that the seeking heart can get. He pointed out to me one key clue about just what desires I was suppose to have in my regenerated heart when I was praying about how so many believers get stuck in a rut and don’t grow. He indicated that I was focused on the function of the Kingdom and not the promises. (When focused on the “principles” I only think about the functioning of the Kingdom and passion is missing…the desire is there but not the drive or passion. I prayed for more passion just as is needed in married life…He said to focus on the promises of God. That is where the power is! The promises of God are also like heavenly mirrors reflecting back the desires God had placed in me, but I didn’t cultivate for whatever reason. I submit that every promise God reveals to us is a key clue as to the desires we are suppose to have.
We tend to block such blessings from the promises by our negative attitudes, fear, doubt, sin, etc
We tend to compensate by analyzing the functioning of the Kingdom and make that our theology, when we ought to be embracing the promises of God.
I would submit that childish desires for fun are also form God, but meant for a season until adulthood…yet He says to come to Him like a child. I think that the Fruit of the Spirit in Gal 5:22-23 is a list of desires God put in our hearts from the beginning, even from childhood, but we have let wither. Recognizing that, then simply embracing the Holy Spirit will make that promise come true. Why would God promise us something if He didn’t want us to have a desire for that?
Think about this…when we promise someone something but they have no desire for it, the promise has no power anymore. On the flip side of the same coin, when we desire something but there is no promise of getting it, we loose the passion for it.
It’s amazing how much we modern Christians of every lot know about how the Kingdom of God works, how the Laws of God work, how the habits of Christians work, on and on… but know so little about the God’s promises. So many pastors.and teachers coming out of seminary can theologize all about the various things of God, but miss the power of the Promises of God. We are too cerebral these days in the Church. Who ever heard of desires in your head…it’s always in the heart.
So…who really needs a soul-mate (who understands you) when you have the promises of God in your heart.
Think of the one-another verses… don’t they speak to the desires we all hold for being treated with love and respect. The one-another verses make great wedding promises (vows).
Thru His Word God has given us clues as to the desires we are suppose to have in our hearts… for Him and for others and for life.
“all the Promises of God are true, yes and Amen!”
Mike
Here are the One-Another passages…they teach us about the desires God has placed in our hearts…
Your Church for the Future (Tarrytown: Revell, 1991), 129-131.
1. “…Be at peace with each other.” (Mark 9:50)
2. “…Wash one another’s feet.” (John 13:14)
3. “…Love one another…” (John 13:34)
4. “…Love one another…” (John 13:34)
5. “…Love one another…” (John 13:35)
6. “…Love one another…” (John 15:12)
7. “…Love one another” (John 15:17)
8. “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love…” (Romans 12:10)
9. “…Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)
10. “Live in harmony with one another…” (Romans 12:16)
11. “…Love one another…” (Romans 13:8)
12. “…Stop passing judgment on one another.” (Romans 14:13)
13. “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…” (Romans 15:7)
14. “…Instruct one another.” (Romans 15:14)
15. “Greet one another with a holy kiss…” (Romans 16:16)
16. “…When you come together to eat, wait for each other.” (I Cor. 11:33)
17. “…Have equal concern for each other.” (I Corinthians 12:25)
18. “…Greet one another with a holy kiss.” (I Corinthians 16:20)
19. “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” (II Corinthians 13:12)
20. “…Serve one another in love.” (Galatians 5:13)
21. “If you keep on biting and devouring each other…you will be destroyed by each other.”
(Galatians 5:15)
22. “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” (Galatians 5:26)
23. “Carry each other’s burdens…” (Galatians 6:2)
24. “…Be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
25. “Be kind and compassionate to one another…” (Ephesians 4:32)
26. “…Forgiving each other…” (Ephesians 4:32)
27. “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.” (Ephesians 5:19)
28. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
29. “…In humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)30. “Do not lie to each other…” (Colossians 3:9)
31. “Bear with each other…” (Colossians 3:13)
32. “…Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” (Colossians 3:13)
33. “Teach…[one another]” (Colossians 3:16)
34. “…Admonish one another (Colossians 3:16)
35. “…Make your love increase and overflow for each other.” (I Thessalonians 3:12)
36. “…Love each other.” (I Thessalonians 4:9)
37. “…Encourage each other…”(I Thessalonians 4:18)
38. “…Encourage each other…” I Thessalonians 5:11)
39. “…Build each other up…” (I Thessalonians 5:11)
40. “Encourage one another daily…” Hebrews 3:13)
41. “…Spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” (Hebrews 10:24)
42. “…Encourage one another.” (Hebrews 10:25)
43. “…Do not slander one another.” (James 4:11)
44. “Don’t grumble against each other…” (James 5:9)
45. “Confess your sins to each other…” (James 5:16)
46. “…Pray for each other.” (James 5:16)
47. “…Love one another deeply, from the heart.” (I Peter 3:8)
48. “…Live in harmony with one another…” (I Peter 3:8)
49. “…Love each other deeply…” (I Peter 4:8)
50. “Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.” (I Peter 4:9)
51. “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others…” (I Peter 4:10)
52. “…Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another…”(I Peter 5:5)
53. “Greet one another with a kiss of love.” (I Peter 5:14)
54. “…Love one another.” (I John 3:11)
55. “…Love one another.” (I John 3:23)
56. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:7)
57. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:11)
58. “…Love one another.” (I John 4:12)
59. “…Love one another.” (II John 5)
Dear DC,
Your story is genuine and transparent…and prompted some thoughts I’d like to share… If I am too pointed I apologize up front. Please read it carefully. (I have to get up early and it is very late so I don’t have time to carve out smooth softened wording. I pray they find resonance in your spirit… I pray you find peace and clarity in your heart…
Your story reminds me of one of our daughters experience…as well as a couple spiritual daughters…so…May I give you some fatherly advice?
Concerning your statement: “I’ve done everything in my power to move on with my life and get over him, but I will never love anyone else as much as I love him.” Please consider a couple points of guidance in your very own words… “everything in my power” is not laying it before the Lord. I would suggest that maybe you don’t want (will not to) move forward. Life’s journey, especially in marriage, includes the need for grieving the old and embracing the new. The person you marry is not the same 10 years down the road, and neither would you be the same. Different seasons, experiences, maturing, etc changes us. People who don’t learn to let go don’t learn to grow. Getting over old regrets is a must. I would submit to you that perhaps God didn’t want you to marry the “soul mate” one who “got away.” Think about this…as long as you long for the past or the thing that didn’t happen you will always be feeling grey and not ready for marriage…you are sabotaging your own progress. You cannot have a successful marriage with such manner in dealing with the past. Trust me, you may very well experience greater losses and disappointments in married life (than this loss) that require more of your heart being in the Lords hands than you are willing to allow. I think God is waiting for you to grieve the past and realign your heart with His so He can complete your journey. He is very patient…so that is up to you to make the move to go forward. Please seek some further mentoring (counsel of many) from some older godly women whom you respect and admire their marriages and families. Especially get to know some who have endured far greater losses than you have and keep them in your life… Remember, God heals, restores and rebuilds as if the “fixed” thing is the only one that exists…
Concerning your words: “I hate the words “soul mate” but I do believe certain people are meant for each other.” Think about this…if God makes things fully meant for each other, then why wouldn’t He divinely make that occur? Step back a bit and consider two things in the Bible. Jesus’ lineage described in Matthew and Luke show a lot of less-than-desirable folks in the path yet God uses them to establish His Kingdom. Also in the Hall of Fame in Hebrews there are harlots and murderers heralded in God’s plan. God is not defined by our mistakes, but He uses our mistakes to define us. He is in the process of forming our character through experiences with Him. Hopefully every experience results in an upward growth rather than distraction and sulking. Notice how in the movie “The Passion” how Jesus embraced His cross. His yoke is light….yours is heavy…He say for you to switch yokes with Him so that you may find comfort and peace.
Concerning your words: “we’re more like ants in an ant farm that He sits back and watches over but allows us to do what we want with what He has given us.” The Bible says “As a man thinks in his heart so he is.” God is waiting for you to change that thinking and come to Him and a doting Daddy (Abba) who wants to comfort your and show you great things beyond you wildest dreams. As a parent I used to wait long periods until our child was “done” with their way of doing what they were doing …. Then we could get on with the family’s plans…
Concerning your words: “I wish I’d had the courage to go after the one thing that would’ve made me truly happy rather than thinking “if it were meant to be, God would’ve made it happen.” I see now how wrong I was to let the person I was meant to be with slip away. Your advice is good: don’t sit around and wait for The One to just fall into your lap.” I had a wise Colonel give me some advice when I took my first command in the Army, and I think it is worthy of passing on here: “Always make sure you are looking thru the right end of the telescope.” Perhaps you have considered in some searching your heart that God has something better and truer and genuine beyond your wildest desires for you in marriage, but He can’t give that blessing to you until you are ready. How do you know you are ready and wouldn’t blow the relationship by saying the foregoing statements? The biggest mistake women make is that they step on their man’s dreams and then wonder why he won’t talk to them after a few years of marriage? Is that you? What if the perfect husband “soul-mate” blew it and the financial situation was no longer perfect and your life as Mrs. Middleclass with three kids bottomed out? Would you regret marrying him then, or would you encourage him and stick with him in putting it all back together? A non-decision is still a decision. A non-commitment is still a commitment to do nothing. God loves commitment and He loves courage. Be decisive…first about God…then about yourself…then about others. Be committed…first to God…then to yourself…then to others. Concerning the “courage” you said you wished you had “to go after the one thing that would’ve made me truly happy”… how do you know that would have made you happy? Happiness is also as much a myth as is “soul-mate”. It is the “joy of the Lord” that you need to draw from God in your heart and then no one can take that away…and happiness cannot ever be fulfilling as is the Lord’s joy.
Concerning you mother’s input: Your mother meant well, but for her to give you such a detailed prophetic word was not right thing to do. Also, she being so close to you I would think that perhaps you should have been suspicious of a “mother’s heart” for her daughter to marry well. Words given should be validated by other sources before taken seriously.
The standard (for measuring) for being ready for mature Christian lifestyle is: Gal 5:22-23…is the Fruit of the Spirit evident in your life… do others tell you so?
The personal growth process is like that in Romans 5:1-5… from struggle to maturing character to living hopefully. Do you own this in your heart?
What makes people fall in love? Read the chapter called “Falling in Love” in the wonderful book “The Five Languages of Love” by Chapman.
Are you in a place in your Christian walk that you are ready for what God want to show you, tell you, give you…? Are you looking thru the right end of the telescope? Check out the book “Choosing God’s Best for a Lifetime of Romance” by Don Raunikar… I think it is Chapter 8 “Hearing from God”…one of the best summaries on the topic I have ever seen.
I think all of this is important and is certainly tried and true in my experience.
God bless you.
Mike – I think your reply pulls no punches, but is done sensitively and uses good use of Biblical references – you have ‘corrected’ with what I feel is the right spirit. I have one more thing to add in response to the ‘hate the phrase soul-mate’ comment that i feel is relevant.
We don’t HAVE to be all-in soul-mate believers or all-out soul-mate detractors, there is a place for a soul-mate, BUT it is not the ‘rule’, but probably more likely the exception… The wrong teaching in this matter comes when it is preached, promoted as applying to all of Jesus’ followers when it quite clearly (IMHO) doesn’t. I see it as like (hope this is not a can of worms) when SOME believe that ‘tongues’ are always the first spiritual gift – it applies to some of course, but it is not a hard and fast rule, and the preaching of it AS a hard and fast rule gives people all sorts of problems. Good for you if you found your soul make – really and sincerely you have been blessed, but that’s the point it is a blessing, and we are all blessed in different ways.
Hope that helps someone somewhere, and thanks again Hannah for sparking such a debate
This post is the epitome of what I have been saying for YEARS to myself and all my friends! I believe strongly that you can marry (and love) multiple people. Not at once, of course, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE your post. Great topic and great supporting arguments. You hit the nail on the head! Check out my blog if you have time… http://jenniferscavone.wordpress.com/
Wow. Thanks for that. When I saw the heading I rolled my eyes at the cliched unrealistic idea of it, assumed it was a Cheesy Christian blog on how your husband isn’t your soul mate cause only Jesus can be…instead I got a real and fresh perspective on marriage. And after my parents 30 years of marriage (recently celebrated) I know how much work goes into it and how it needs to be a daily choice (which doesn’t always happen so easily.) And how unhelpful it is to not accept it as your choice but to palm it off on God’s divine plan… Thank you!
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This made me so happy! I really believe this message should go out to more young people. No one ever said stuff like this to me, but it was how i felt all the time.
You are awesome!
Love from Sweden!
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Thank you for writing this! I’ve been married 7 years and always had this little disappointing thought that my husband is not my ‘soul mate’ like he’s ‘supposed’ to be. We love each other dearly and we are committed to work on this marriage forever, but this is so freeing, that he doesn’t have to be!
I’ve seen several people post this on FB, and it IS a good article that describes God’s truth about finding a spouse and God’s plan for our lives. Beautifully written, Hannah. However, there was something about it that bothered me. Specifically, it seems to revolve around a false premise. Your definition of a “soul mate” is implied as the ONE PERSON that is meant for us. While this is what many people understand the meaning of that term to be, they are misinformed; that is not what a soul mate is. A soul mate is defined as: “A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”
So in truth, we can have many soul mates in life, as we are ideally suited to many people we meet, while some will be no more than acquaintances. We’re just blessed if we find one that we want to share our life with as a spouse. 🙂
This is so beautiful… I will keep coming back to read and re-read.
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Fully agree, although like yourself, I didn’t always understand God’s wonderful plan. 🙂 The only thing I would add is that we DO have a soulmate…. We CHOSE them when we made our vows! My husband likes to say that he made me his soulmate on our wedding day! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Our son asked me about which girl he should marry. He had two that were interested in him and he was having a hard time deciding. I asked him if he loved them, either of them? He said he wasn’t sure, but that they felt that they loved him. (They had not even dated yet. He met them thru Christian friends and activities.)
My advice: Given all things equal (Godly woman, wanting kids, etc, etc), then marry the one that will most likely stick with you when you do something disappointing…because you will likely have some set backs in your life. (Don’t look for them…but be prepared.) Then as you seek to better know the one you “choose” for the qualities as Christian, wanting children, loves you…you will learn to love her deeply and be better at it than if you went thru a “puppy love” stage. He chose wisely….
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Awesome post! Thank you for writing that!
Phew! just breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I no longer have to continue the big search to find ‘Mr Right’! Agreeing with Rebecca, so freeing! I also believe this RomCom fantasies of the knight in shining armor puts so much pressure on your partner and relationship No human can live up to those perfectly sculpted movie moments I am going to embark on a quest to no longer compare the actions of my partner to the actor’s scripted dialogue and directed
Love from South Africa
Eloise
Reblogged this on JEHOVAH ROHI.
14 And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master. Genesis 24:14
Hey Hannah! You make so many valid points … You rightly point out how ridiculous and self-centered the concept of a Soul Mate can be! I had a similar experience in youth group. Your post got me thinking and although I agree with you about rejecting the idea of a Soul Mate, I pointed out a few other concepts that you might be interested in reading in my blog. I would love your feedback! Thanks for writing this post! http://wp.me/1D08i.
I’ve never heard of someone so sure of what God does or does not have planned for us in life. I must be praying the wrong way.
However, I like to think that if God numbered the stars in sky and knows them by name (Isaiah 40:26, Psalm 147:4), if He took the time to count the hairs on my head (Luke 12:7), if He knows my very thoughts and created my inmost being (Psalm 139)…if He did ALL that, I just have to think that He cares about the man I marry. He cares about WHO I marry. He cares about my soulmate…the mate he chose for me.
If God created my inmost being, I have to believe that He has a pretty decent idea of the exact man I should marry. Like you, I too wrote down a list of what I wanted in a husband (it was on a blue “Prayer Request” card while I was in between a row of chairs during a late night prayer meeting) but unlike your parents, my mom took the card and prayed over it every day. Some 13 or 14 years later, I am dating my very best friend. My soul mate. No, he is not the person on that card, he’s better! Just when I think I know the best for myself, God proves that he created my innermost being and knows me EVEN BETTER. Yes, I know marriage takes work. I know there will be many moments, many days, where I will have to CHOOSE to love my soul mate. But I know I’ll be able to BECAUSE God chose the one person who complements me perfectly.
Love it!! Dios me los bendiga!!
Good day. This is Daniel from http://growupproper.wordpress.com/
Would you be interested in a mutually beneficial collaboration between our 2 blogs in order to increase our viewers/followers? I await your response on e-mail growupproper@yahoo.com
P.S. sorry for sending it as a comment (I couldn’t find your e-mail address).
I really enjoyed reading this. It’s good that someone spoke up about the subject. Love’s a choice, not a feeling. 🙂 Thank you for sharing.
I agree with MUCH of what you’re saying, but I also respectfully disagree to a degree. What I mean is I believe, as the Word says that if we seek God in all we do, HE WILL direct our steps, & that includes finding a spouse. I believe God will put two people together—He will orchestrate it—but not to have some fairy tale marriage “like the movies” (which truly doesn’t work that way), but to refine us; to rub off the rough edges and make us more like Him. I’ve been married 9 years now, and we went through utter HELL the first few years; yes, two people who loved Jesus, fighting like we didn’t even know Him! Like Paul said, we’d have trouble in the flesh if we got married. I still believe the Lord put us together, but not for our “happiness” or anything like that, but for HIS purposes. 🙂 I make it sound like I’m miserable with my hubby, but I’m not. There was a time I was, however. lol All that said, I really enjoyed reading this & quite frankly, it’s a good reminder for those who find themselves seeking some perfection in a mate that doesn’t exist, especially where Christians divorce just as much—or more—than the unsaved. Bless you, sister. And your marriage!
Lara, well said. God honors covenental decisions and will guide us. “Commit your ways to the Lord and He will direct your steps.” is so true.
One big mistake people, even believers, make is they think that the reason you get married is the same reason you stay married. The means of success in grade school are not sufficient in Junior High or High School…and the means of success in teen years are insufficient for success in adult life. Likewise, the means of success in the wedding and the honeymoon phase of married life are insufficient for family life, especially with children. The means of success for caring for little children are insifficient for raising teens.
We must embrace the season we are in and while preparing for the next. It’s always an upward hike in growth, especially in wisdom. Every season requires more wisdom and understanding and trust than the previous.
It takes more character to stay married than it does to get married. The one characteristic that transcends each season is keeping one’s eyes on Jesus as one’s guiding light, walking in close fellowship with the Holy Spirit to hear His voice…”Let those who have eyes see and those who have ears hear.” “Teach me, Oh Lord, to count the number of my day so that I may gain wisdom.”
Amen! We have only the one child; 7 years old, but he has Autism, so a whole different ballgame, & my husband & I have been on the same page concerning our son and our unconvetional approach to raising him. There’s no question: God has a great plan for us! No one said “easy”, but glorifying to Him! No regrets.
Lara, may God bless you and your family!
We have a 2 1/2 yo grandson with Downes and just declared cancer free from infant leukemia… and what a blessing he has to open our hearts to amazing arenas of God;s Kingdom, He has made us all better peolpe.. and your son will be a window into a part of Heaven that will make you more wonderful than you already are.
Check out the book “Angels Unaware” by Dale Evans
http://www.biblio.com/dale-evans-rogers/angel-unaware~36300112~title
Blessings
Ha! I read one of Dale Evan’s books “Woman at the Well” maybe 2 months ago, where she mentioned that book, so I actually already had it on my “must read” list of books on Pinterest! So I’m working on it. 🙂 Glad to hear your grandson is doing well!
Thank you! Our grandson has taught us more about love in ways we’d never know…Truth be known that when we embrace our daily cross God opens heavens to us and the very situation that on the surface appears an overwhelming burden has hidden just beyond the appearance divine reality of blessing and joy that goes beyond this world and defies understanding and words… You shall find great and mighty ways of God’s Kingdom as well! Be blessed!
I like your dad already.
Interesting article. Not sure how I lke how it seems to “slam” looking for a godly husband or one going into ministry as hypocritically holy, though. I do think God has one person in mind for a Christian to marry. Don’t appreciate the tone of this article. It seems the author thinks listening to Pink Floyd is better than being in “churchy” activities we didn’t all drugs”, which I suppose would have been her choice of more worthwhile activities, as well. Sad.
You can tell someone doesn’t have a strong counterargument when she deliberately twists the other person’s words.
Personal final conclusion: A revelation of the extreme naivety required to believe that marrying the person God has in mind for you is going to mean that the marriage will be easy does not somehow reveal an unBiblical truth that God does not have a plan for your life. For all of the (no offense, but unmerited) attention that this post has received, a discussion with other long-time Christian wives and much thought has revealed the approach of this topic as doing far more harm than its should-have-been-common-wisdom point did good.
And what harm is that, exactly?
Shauna,
I concur with Peter’s comment: “What harm?”
It’s “extreme naivety” on your part for you to walk into a conversation and tell everyone’s giving attention to the conversation that their attention is “unmerited”. Who are you to decide the merit of other’s attention given to anything, or what they get or not from this blog and comment-conversation? Are you the thought police? Controlling? People here are sharing their thoughts and experiences and exchanging advice on what seems to be important topics in “their” hearts… so why are you judging that as unmerited attention? And of course it’s a naïve topic because it’s a simple subject about how God interacts in people’s lives when it comes to their “dream spouse” and their varied experiences accordingly…it’s immensely important enough for people to share… that is why it merits all the attention.
Ironically, it seems in your convoluted verbiage you actually agree with her point. They were all in high school or younger… of course it’s “extreme naivety” … she made that point. Naïve believers are on “milk” and not on “meat”… (her father fed her a chunk of “meat” and she had a hard time chewing it…) and now that she has matured she speaks in “meatier” terms. Very merited.
Also Hannah never stated that it would “mean that the marriage will be easy”. You’re putting words into her post. All she said was that it would be “AWESOME”. Does “awesome” imply “easy”? No, she makes the point that her marriage is AWESOME but requires daily devotion to love and commitment… not easy… but awesome! That is a merited statement as well.
Concerning your statement “The revelation… does not somehow reveal an unBiblical truth that God does not have a plan for your life.” She stated exactly that her father made the point that God’s only plan for us is ”to be made more holy, more like Christ”. Further dicing up your triple negative vernacular making a non-point shows that you have convoluted thought processes, even contradicting yourself while negatively pointing to the positive. Besides, is there such a thing as an “unBibical truth”? Simply, your statements are wrong and definitely unmerited on every level.
Again, there is no evidence of “harm” and the long conversation of people witnessing and giving/seeking advice is evidence of “good”. It’s simply a conversation in blogosphere… what sphere or spheres are you coming from?
A tree is known by its fruit…
Hannah, I loved your post! So much good truth in there! It was fun to read your story since my boyfriend also chose to stay with me when I decided to move to Asia for a year and I recently chose to move to the DC area where he works : ) Thanks for sharing!
I would disagree that God’s sovereign plan for our lives doesn’t include details such as a spouse:look at Isaac. God even told Abraham how to know who Rebekah was. It does a disservice to Him to deny Him His omniscience and sovereignty.
Giiiiiiiiirl, preach. Loved it! Also, I’m sorry that this DID start a big internet debate. Some people tend to miss the point. Shrug it off!
I’m so glad that God HAS blessed you with the wisdom to see that you’ve got it good, and that your husband is worth every ounce of your lovin’.
Ephesians 2:10 says that a Christians good works are predestined. So in a 30 yr marriage and a life of good or bad deeds, a spouse has a heavy influence. Arguably, the heaviest influence. Therefore if my works are predestined then my wife cannot simply be someone else. In the same way, your mother was predetermined to be your mother, care-giver, etc. Another woman could do the job of being a mom but that would result in a different you which means your ‘works’ would be different. Now the single people, 1 Cor 7 says that if you burn with passion then it’s best to marry. Being single (lifelong) is a predetermined gift from God so for her to claim that she could be single is true but that doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for her as she would predictably fall to her desires (which aren’t inherently bad since God placed them there) if she had those desires. I believe God cares a little more and has his hand on his children more than this article depicts. This is not a debate but just the biblical perspective
If your good works are predestined then why did God allow us to retain free will? I think you’re misconstruing some things. Good works are predestined in a general sense; if you live a good Christian life, then you are, by default, destined to commit good works. The specificity of those works is not predestined or predetermined.
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Hey there, a friend of my shared this on facebook and so I had to read it. You are a very wise woman, beyond your years and your clarity of thinking is a breath of fresh air. Please, please, please in 5 or 10 or 20 years if you let any thoughts of your husband not being enough whatever re-read your thoughts here because they are right on. I was married and know from experience that we would still be together if she would have made the choice to love me every day. I had/have my own flaws and shortcomings just like your husband (and you) have but its doing what you can to be your best and loving them in and through their struggles too. I too was brought up in the same evangelical world and thought the same as you for a long time. Its refreshing now to know that my life isn’t completely wasted and that someone will again be there for me to love some day. You will have a great life, you will bless others and especially your husband living this way. There is nothing to debate bionically, you are right on, we choose to love someone which is the basic premise of what Jesus asked us to do. I don’t get why people want to debate the theology of it and completely miss the message!
@Tyler
“I believe God has his hand on His children more than this article depicts.”
Remember, the woman of the well missed the mark five times, and then her soul mate appeared.
Having predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, (Eph 1:5;2:18,19)
Was the man the woman at the well was with her soul mate? She was not married to him.
I am a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Among many other things, I counsel couples prior to marriage. In doing so, I ask them to read a talk by Lynn Robbins called Agency and Love in Marriage (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/10/agency-and-love-in-marriage?lang=eng). In it, Robbins says,
“Too many believe that love is a condition, a feeling that involves 100 percent of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency. In commanding us to love, the Lord refers to something much deeper than romance—a love that is the most profound form of loyalty. He is teaching us that love is something more than feelings of the heart; it is also a covenant we keep with soul and mind.”
Robbins later writes that “while a person may “fall in love” with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.”
He concludes: “Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.””
Thanks for being an example of a couple that chooses to increase their love, chooses to stick together, chooses to honor one another, and in that process of faithfulness, has their love increase.
All best wishes to you both!
Stephen Jones
A blog writer for our site recently a wrote blog response to this, biblically siting why her future husband will indeed be her soulmate. Check it out: http://ucsocietyofsaintpaul.wordpress.com/2013/07/24/will-my-husband-be-my-soulmate/
Dear Hannah,
Thank you for this. What a powerful point and excellently written. As a blogger myself, I really appreciate your thoughtful writing, and I think many people need to hear this.
I wonder if you might prayerfully consider expounding on the following idea as a follow-up to this post (and I think you’ve already touched on some of these themes):
I’ve had the thought that in the debate about decision-making and free will involved here, a big point that Christians often miss is this: even IF there is such a thing as “the one,” that person is not “perfect” for us and can never satisfy our soul. Only Christ can. Even if God DOES have a certain person that He is leading us to, finding that person is not the key to our satisfaction and fulfillment in life.
I think the even bigger issue, even more so than “Does God have one person for me?”, is an issue of making an idol out of relationships.
I agree wholeheartedly with your post here . . . but I also believe that God is ultimately sovereign and that he does bring people together sometimes. Yet even so, that person can never meet all of our needs. Even if something is God’s will, people need to realize how idolatrous it is to expect a partner to be perfect or to be the answer to all their longings in life.
What do you think? I just humbly offer that up as an idea that might be helpful to some people if you want to use it!
Blessings,
Sean
I am not a person of religious faith however I do believe there is more at play in this world than us and we, each of us, are on a path to find greater purpose. I enjoyed reading your post and agree that we are active creators in the lives we lead and choose the love we surround ourselves by (at least in our adult lives). Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I wish you and your husband a blessed life.
God bless you, Hannah. Your honest view of marriage really is a blessing to many.
Unfortunately, there are those who assume they are more right than you & have slung feces in your face. Sad that they cannot appreciate different views. Even calling you a hypocrite for putting up your lovely wedding photos. To them, God’s judgement awaits.
As for me, maybe God has THE ONE for someone or maybe He lets them choose. Either way, it’s the heart of love & the desire for God to be glorified in a marriage that is key. I don’t want to get married JUST to get married. I want to FIND the love of my life and THEN marry them! Lol!
However, finding them has been discouraging. I try to become friends with Christian girls but it never materializes. I often wonder if it was because of sin that God does not want me to date a Christian girl. I, in fact, have a better chance at dating non-Christian girls.
I like a lot of what you said here…but I think honestly after being married for just a year it would be really difficult to predict how you will feel in several years and what kinds of people either of you might evolve to be. Nothing is constant but change. That being said, it doesn’t much matter. Love wholly with your heart. I think the most important thing is to live in the present moment, but be accepting of the inevitability of life’s changes.
Hannah, your father did you a disservice, not because he told you something that was or was not true, but because, to some degree, he turned you against yourself. Is the 14 year old Hannah really gone? Is there not some part of you that wishes that the dreams of your 14 year old self could come true? Did you create yourself and those dreams? No, your Creator did so, if those dreams are still present, take the problem to the Man. I can’t speak to the contents of your mind, but it seems like you are trying to rationalize away something that can’t be rationalized away. One day very soon, you’ll be on your deathbed. Will your rationalizations make sense to you then?
If these questions are meaningless to you, then you probably never needed a soul mate to begin with, but I doubt that is the case, because here you are, years later, writing about it.
You are the sole decider of truth in your own life. Don’t forget it.
What is your experience with marriage, Jonathan?
I commented a couple days ago and just wanted to add one more thing 🙂 It seems there are a lot of people getting caught up the issues of free will, and then others from non-Christian worldviews who don’t see the inherent idolatry in the idea that another human being could satisfy all of our longings and dreams, no matter how compatible they are with us.
So, I’d just encourage you to get the message out there that regardless of how one feels about free will and how one finds a partner . . . Christ is our only ultimate soul mate. He is the one we will be married to for eternity, even if God does lead us to a certain person in this life. That is the great reality that marriage here points to. He is a treasure, the pearl of great price, the only one who can satisfy our souls infinitely and eternally. 🙂
Sean
Thanks Sean, that was very well put 🙂 Best to have soul ties with the Lord, that way if either spouse falls away the other can pull them back to the Lord. And really isn’t that that the great wedding that we should be preparing our hearts for, as the bride of Christ….thanks again.
I have to say, this was a big slap in the face to me this morning – in the BEST way possible!
I married with a TON of baggage – as well as my husband bringing his fair share in (what marriage doesn’t have some sort of carry on at least?)
BUT we’ve been having a very rocky marriage the last year. We’re doing what we THINK is right – going to Christian counseling, Christian marriage conferences, surrounding ourselves with Christian couple friends who are praying and encouraging us…But the mentality of our marriage as of lately has been more “Was this even the person God had planned for me? Did I marry the WRONG ONE?!”
This post helped me realize this morning that “nope, he’s not the one God had planned for you…but God has called you to love him ever since you said “I DO” and to honor that promise till death do you part.” It’s a commitment. I can put those pesty thoughts to bed and I can fully concentrate and put my energy into making sure my love for my husband (because that’s never gone away…just questions of compatibility) gets back to the point where it is a full force verb instead of just a noun that gets a little bit of attention every so often.
Thank you. Seriously. I believe God blesses us when we honor our promises and I fully intend to change my attitude about my marriage and seek God’s face on what kind of woman He wants me to be…as well as what kind of wife and mother.
Bless you Becca J!
My wife and I are very opposite in personality and interests on many levels…it’s probably why we have a “soul mate” type experience because we together are so much more than we are individually. Because we choose to love we also own the process and the result.We more than support each other… we minister to each-another… I have learned that when our relationship hits bumps in the road, I need to be a better shock absorber for her and slow down a bit on the curves.
Can I ask how you find common ground being so opposite? I think that is a HUGE hurdle for us in our marriage – we love each other. Very much. But when it comes to the friendship side of things, we tend to lose steam VERY fast because we are extreme polar opposites.
I am committed to my marriage and I don’t believe that God ever wanted to even have divorce as an option…it wasn’t one until the Israelites were complaining…and then God gave them an out only in extreme cases and even had stipulations on THAT.
But I feel like I’m sitting here, wanting to move forward but just don’t know how…
Becca,
apologies it took me so long to respond…
Your question is a very good one in that it had to make me stop and reflect to give you a real answer.
1. Concerning finding “common ground” is a big question. When we first got married our “common ground” was our youthful dreams, freedom to be on our own, adventure of learning new things, our own place, our responsibility for our own finances, putting life together…everything was so much bigger than we were so we definitely had to be unified and team-wise. We were discovering each other still and had a lot of healing to do form our own families’ issues. Everything was in front us….and hopeful! Simply dreams and hope were part of our “common ground”. As we matured in life, life did demand more of us and of our relationship. I was military and gone a lot. Then we had three children. We struggled for many years on many levels and frustration factor was greater than the hope and dreams factor. Yet we were blessed with kids and good income. However, every time we moved we wiped out our savings. Finally we decided to settle in San Diego and raise our kids in a good neighborhood school. Schooling, raising well-trained, educated kids, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Soccer, Karate, etc became our “common ground”. We took too much time for our kids and work and not enough for us, but God knew our desires we honorable, although out of balance. Mind you, finances have always been a challenge. Then we all became born-again believers and were deeply involved in ministry life from our kids teen years to adult years..and out common ground was getting them ready for marriage. Our principle was: if you are ready for marriage you are ready for anything else…marriage being a high calling of devoted sacrificial ministry requiring courage, wisdom, humility, perseverance…and especially the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23). Within a three years we we empty-nesters… both with our own interests still… and eventually with a lot of grandchildren. All our children are well married, well-employed (only one of our children went to college and none of our in-law children went to college). They all love and serve the Lord and have godly households.
I tell you that background to illustrate that “common ground” is a lot like the idea of “soul mate”… it has different meanings in different seasons of life. Yet there is a “truth” that transcends the seasons for both of these terms: “Common ground” in marriage is supposed to be made up of your vows and your dreams and hopes, both individually and collectively. It must be architect-ed in grace, mercy, righteousness, and Fruit of the Spirit. “Common Ground” is family and future, doing all things with you legacy (children and grandchildren) in mind while loving each other. Everything else is just life and activity. “Common ground” isn’t the things you like doing together (that changes with the seasons and we must be willing to transition gracefully from season to season…e.g “letting go”). But the “common ground” with God is transcendent and only grows with the seasons.
2. Concerning “…the friendship side of things, we tend to lose steam VERY fast because we are extreme polar opposites.” I would consider really looking at what “friendship” means in your relationship. Jesus was clear on what it means to be a “friend”. In our carnal life, we get into trouble as friends because when we are young our ideal thinking about being “life long friends” is much like the “soul mate” notion. It has its “youthful” place, but changes with the seasons of life UNLESS it is rooted in Jesus’ Way of friendship. Young friends tend to have “rules” for friendship…friends are suppose to support and share and listen,,, friends are not suppose to hurt friends, or step on their hopes or dreams, or cause disappointment, or pour salt on old wounds, or accuse, or criticize, or demand of…. but somehow that always happens after about 2 years of the relationship or marriage. Teens tend to make idols of their friends. Young lovers do the same thing but with much more fervency…. Young husbands make idols of their wives for certain youthful reasons and young wives do the same things to their young husbands. Their dreams and hopes and rooted in their promises and the “savior” idols they are to each other…. However, then one day the rules of the idolized “friends” get broken… in words, deeds, attitudes,
drama, power plays, etc. We get married with all the plans for the good stuff, but no fire plan for the troubled times. Without a Christian foundation, and Christian friendship Jesus’ Way, such times destroy the friendship part of marriage. Every couple should do a Christian marriage retreat at least every five years.
We had many seasons where the enemy got in and communication was hard… we had times of layoffs, financial troubles, family tragedies, disappointments, burned by people we trusted, on and on…but our purpose was never swayed.
The first phase of big struggles we each had and sometimes still have to overcome are the residual youth attitudes and false beliefs we brought along from childhood…as simple as the drama things such as eye rolls, sighs, “whatevers”, “oh never mind”, “you always..”, “you never..”, on and on.
The second phase of big struggles we go through is getting over our wounds, resulting in being hurtable and then following up with the “Words” we tell ourselves in private… the words of “death” and negativity..the devil getting in when we are wound-oriented. In this struggle-season we tend to go back to digging up bones, old graves, old dead things and attributing them to others again. We become accusers.
The third phase of struggles is learning to mature and accepting the changes of life. Simply and directly stated, marriages based on sex will die near middle age. Regardless of what is said in public, sex is the main reason people get married and they often make an idol of it. For a season that makes sense, but seasons change. If love is not the foundation of the marriage (agape love, that is) then there is no foundation. Love (=Friendship (with a capitol F)) is transcending of the seasons and the conditions of this world. Anything based on the body is not.
Love takes on many forms over the years. Just as Jesus embraces His cross in “The Passion” film, so must we embrace our crosses of love required at new level.
Remember this: Jesus still had His wounds when He ascended into heaven. Was He healed or was He an over-comer in the greatest sense? Or both? You can still live above your wounds, don’t live out of them.
When it comes to going back and digging up old bones, old graves, work to set up triggers in your mind to think in the Empty Tomb.
Graham Cooks says it well: “The reason we have a crisis is because our image of God is too small. To get thru a crisis you have to update your image of God.”
Check out the videos: “Laugh Your Way To a Happy Marriage”. Much wisdom in the seminar (some of it is on YouTube).
Nothing is better for friends to do than to share their dreams and desires without judgement but with a sense of discovery…like on the first date.
Be friendly! Seek to serve! Seek to Love! Seek to prophesy, being encouraging, “he who prophesies speaks edification, strength and comfort to one another.” 1 Cor 14:3
Here’s a good plan to start thinking: read the last chapters of each of the Epistles where the writers conclude with directions for caring for one another.
Blessings!
Memorize Romans 5:1-5 (conduct leading to hope), Gal 5:22-23 (character) and Psalm1 :1-3 (The Promise of success is conditional).
High-5 to you, Becca. I can’t really address your situation because I’m not qualified to and you haven’t asked me, but I at least agree with what you say about taking responsibility for your marriage rather than leaving it up to a missed boat of fate.
And high-5 to Hannah for her post. This is the kind of effect it should have on people, and is one of its main thrusts.
I once went thru a sever spiritual storm for about two weeks and I promised myself that when this storm was over I would write a storm plan to follow in the future when under heavy attack and burdened. Here it is (Titled as a Promise):
THIS I SHALL DO NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCE OR HOW I FEEL!
• Thank Jesus for the current situation that we have Him to turn to.
• Rejoice in His name always.
• Celebrate the presence of the Spirit of God, not quench it.
• Consider long term (eternal) purposes rather than immediate temporal) needs & desires.
• Confess our sins and weaknesses to Him and repent.
• Seek the wisdom of God through prayer, council of others, and His Word.
• Take the current thought captive and consider its source – whether of God or self-serving (selfish outcome, secret agenda, greed, pride, self promotional ambition, etc).
• Portray a Christian attitude – strength, maturity, patience, love, hopeful, faithful, prayerful, forgiveness, merciful, slow to anger, etc).
• Ask myself, “What do I really believe?”
• Speak encouraging words to others. Words of life.
• Helpful to others.
• Defer to others – Christians’ needs, unsaved persons, etc.
• Fellowship to grow and develop brotherhood with the brethren.
• Flee from temptation; get help from brothers in Christ;
• Attend church and worship to grow in the assembled body.
• Service to church and other ministries to stay accountable.
• Full commitment of self to align with scripture.
This article cheapens love and marriage. It is arrogant to say that we can choose whatever destiny we desire. Maybe for an unbeliever because they are not under God’s law. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1.5. Though it is true that we have free will, it does not escape God’s plan. Does God just allow random acts to fall into place? Whether we realize it or not, the choices we make are Gods will all along and are part of His big plan. Look at the story of Jonah. He was in rebellion of God and yet God predestined him to save a people that Jonah despised through his rebellion! I rebelled from God when it came to marriage. I didn’t want it or desire it. And some of us were not fortunate enough to be surrounded by church camp and Christian boys who play the guitar. I was surrounded by drug addicts, abusers, people who had no interest in marriage. So then what hope was there for me? God brought a godly man into my life that He had purposed to love me all along. So did I choose to marry? Yes. Do I think God only knew of “my choice” when the time came around to it. Or did he know of my future choice as He formed me in the womb? Did he not know who I would marry or if I would marry? God is not living in a box unaware of our decisions. God allowed me to go through what I had so that I would make the decision to marry. Because the environment I grew up in and the hurt I experienced screamed don’t marry. Nothing is coincidental or ironic with God. We may believe we are making choices because they seem biblically correct and don’t go against God’s law, but even the choices that are going against God’s law, He has already predestined those choices for His purpose. He is all powerful and all aware. In our human minds you truly believe that we are making decisions according to us? God has put those decisions and environments around you because He already knows what you will choose and who you will be with. Look at Hosea. God told him who he would marry and it wasn’t necessarily a joyful time. Gomer was a prostitute, but nonetheless this was God’s plan and purpose. Hosea did not just choose to marry a prostitute out of his own purpose and knowledge; this was God’s purpose and knowledge that was there before Hosea and Gomer were formed. God wanted to use the marriage as a message with a purpose. Not just some thing that falls into place when we feel it’s right to make that decision. What is the definition of a soul mate to you? My definition is not just a person who I chose to settle down with for the rest of my life but someone who I knew “God formed in the womb and had set apart.”
I get what you’re saying!
But I think that there was a missed mark in the point she was trying to say…
God DOES have plans for us to prosper and has a good and perfect will – He has had an amazing plan in mind from before we were even a thought in our mother’s mind! That being said though, I think what the author is trying to say is that there isn’t JUST ONE man out there for you.
That – in no way – negates the fact that we should pray and seek God’s face and will for our lives…but the evangelical movement that the author is trying to show was wrong was that every Christian girl has a “knight in shining armor” type guy out there…only one…for her to marry.
If you had chosen to say “no thanks” to your hubby, would God have been surprised? Absolutely not. He’s all knowing. But I believe in that situation, there may have been another guy down the line who would have been a great godly husband for you too…
I like how the author put it that her husband WASN’T her soulmate. Basically, there’s no such thing because that narrows it down to just one guy.
BUT her husband BECAME her soul mate when she said “I do” and she will honor that vow until death do them part!
Does that make sense?
Thank you for bringing things to light for me. There was a guy in my life who I knew I was not to pursue but I did anyway. Luckily God brought my husband into my life with His perfect timing. The guy I wanted at that time is now a heroin addict and is a father to a child of the mother he cares nothing about. I know that could have easily been me if I had not pursued God and chosen to pursue a dangerous relationship instead. I had the free will to go after this guy that was not a Christian, but I sought counseling from a pastor who told me about the Song of Solomon. He wanted me to pursue certain qualities in a guy that reflected this book of the Bible. My pastor asked if the guy I was after displayed his banner of love for me in public, if he wanted to wait for sex until marriage, and many other characteristics. This guy could not fulfill any of these qualities. But there was one guy in mind. He would be my future husband. After much rebellion from God I finally began to see that God had put this wonderful man in my life for a reason. He would be the one to display his banner of love for me in public and wait for sex until marriage. I could have kicked this wonderful guy to the curb and gone after the guy who would have lead me astray. Sometimes it’s not an option to pick a spouse from a group of Christian guys; sometimes it is the option of deciding to marry someone who is godly in a world where many are ungodly or to marry following the Bible or to marry by following our heart. I realize the Word is what lead me to my husband. I am thankful I followed His Word instead of my heart.
Becca J., thanks for your comment, it is very reassuring and actually puts the post in a slightly different light. I thought the main premise of the post was on choosing a life partner yourself rather than relying on God to do it as He doesn’t have a plan for who I marry(acc. to Hannah’s dad). Then again she says ‘I would rather have the pressure of choosing, on myself rather than on divinity’ when really God’s Word says all along that we are to cast all our cares on him (including marriage). However, it is definitely a relief to know as you have said, there isn’t just one man/woman out there.
Sometimes we may think that somebody is the one, either by our own choice or feel led by God to believe so. Yet, if the person decides not to step up in the end, the good thing is we’re not left in the dark if we keep trusting God. He’ll just show us someone else who will. Because of free will people can often change, such as king Saul, who was chosen by God Himself to be King and anointed by Samuel. But we know from the choices he made, that he had a change of heart and finally God regretted His own choice (making Saul king)!! I hope i never end up to be a regretted choice, but surely Saul wasn’t the last guy, people change all the time.
It is indeed humbling to know that although He is all powerful, God chooses to give us free will rather than control our decisions and when we find ourselves in a corner, either coz we missed discerning His will or the other person has had a change of heart, he still provides a way out 🙂
You made another comment about how spouses can cope when they are so different from each other. I found this an interesting read on the topic. It basically says that two brains are better than one and that when two people are so diverse in their thinking it actually enriches their marriage 😀
Thanks for your comment.
http://click.trwv.net/disp/I0G0CR12BE4VE3DJ309XDEP15/397202927
Thank you for sharing your experience and your heart. I really appreciated your words and thoughts as a girl who was also swept up in the Evangelical beliefs as a teen. Great, sound wisdom here. Thanks!
Sorry I’m late to the party and I know this is deeply personal but I have to ask: Did you cohabitate before he asked you to marry him? I fear that’s the choice many good Christian women today have to make in order to get THE ONE to choose her so they can marry and live happily ever after. I’m 38 and have yet to experience that giggly acceptance of a first date. I’ve never been hot enough. I’ll keep trusting in God and continue living the celibate life. Congratulations on your anniversary.
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Loved this. Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents about all the people who had God tell them their path or that a certain person was the one. As a kid god told me my first born would be a boy and I should name him Joshua. When I met a man I just new to be the one I prayed and prayed and God told me to be patient so I was…he broke up with me. I am now married to someone else. When I got pregnant I told him I wanted name him Joshua and he said no way. I truly wondered if I had married the wrong “one.” I now sit here holding my beautiful first born baby girl. Yep, not even a boy. I guess unlike so many others I can’t interpret gods messages. Although he has a good sense of humor, I asked for the gift of healing as a kid and grew up to be a paramedic…
Riser, your “2 cents” is a priceless testimony!
have you actually tried to lay your hands on a sick person? you are not a paramedic by accident, you know; God gave you that gift so you are obviously attracted to that field!!!! God DOES want you to heal people, supernaturally; the anointing abides in you, USE IT. Check out bill johnson, randy clark, and todd white (highly reccomend todd white, just searrch via youtube if you want to see some modern day revivalists who connected with God and learned to walk in healing. A sign of the believer is raising the sick, casting out the devil, and healing the sick as it says in Mark 16:17. I am seeing fruit because I believe that this is my lot in life. Randy Clark even has a very awesome class on physical healing that you can take online at healingcertification.com, it is lifechanging.
Blessing, Deb
Jeremiah 29:11 that God “knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,” Her father gives helpful and wise advice to someone struggling with happiness. I would digress that God’s message here is for all of us at all times and not just certain people at certain times. I believe Jesus brings this message forward for all. In hindsight she did get what God planned for her. She is prospering, happy, hope and future all look good…..soul mate after all.
Thank you for this reality check!
Love the post! And Happy Anniversary.. May God continue to bless your marriage x
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Focus on The Family has two recent broadcasts which deal directly with this very topic:
1 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.aspx?ID={3D527461-5EC3-41B1-9F74-8779BDBC6E44}
2 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.aspx?ID={C2AE4CBC-FF3A-458A-A826-08936AF52EC5}
Focus on the Family has two recent shows which address this topic directly:
1. http://goo.gl/eB2DVm
2. http://goo.gl/y2k6BG
The links I posted earlier are too cumbersome and won’t work for some users
Reblogged this on Kobe's Blog and commented:
This is a must read article especially for you ladies!
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Ge 6:2 That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all WHICH THEY CHOSE.
You are so right, love is a choice that we make each day — and your dad was spot on too! It has certainly made me rethink my ideas about relationships.
I thought that to! A pastor once said that Life is full of choices, choices have consequence, make the right choice
The same criteria you talk about that creates a lasting marriage can be applied to those who believe that God hooked them up with a “soul mate”. This is all very common sense stuff. The whole debate is a tiring waste of time.
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
–1 Corinthians 7:39
Thanks for sharing this 🙂
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This was right on time. Thank you for sharing what’s in your heart, and allowing your message to spread long enough to reach the likes of me. A friend shared it on Facebook, and now I’m going to share it with some of my Facebook friends.
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I am a man and i find this incredibly depressing. Marriage will always be hard work because of our sinful selfish nature. I cannot believe that my spouse was not ordained by God to be my spouse. To think otherwise cheapens the sanctity of our marriage.
reggin,
I understand your sentiment and that you take marriage seriously as it is a covenant between a man and his wife and God…. however…
Hannah’s statement about her husband not being her soul mate has nothing to do with God ordaining their marriage.
God ordained their marriage when “they got married” in holy matrimony, when they made sacred vows before the Lord and when the minister blessed them. What does soul mate have to do with that?
It appears on the other hand that you might be using the word “ordained” to mean “God selects for you.”
Where does the Word of God say that? It does say that one who honors the Lord will have wisdom from the Lord to make wise decisions. Also, the Holy Spirit will guide you to a righteous woman because your will have the heart to know her righteousness and discernment to determine if she would be ready for marriage. Just because she is righteous, or the man is righteous, does not mean either is prepared for marriage. Maturity is a key factor. Above all, the maturity to “love” as Christ dictates is the most important characteristic. Having the Fruit of The Spirit in one’s life ranks up there as well.
But choosing a spouse is an act that one has to do…and loving each other is an act.
Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
Proverbs 31:10-31 “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. … ”
Proverbs 19:14 “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” This means her character is from the Lord…a general statement.
Genesis 6:2 “The sons of God saw that the daughters of man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose.”
You found a wife and that is a good thing, and finds favor from the Lord.
You married in holy matrimony with life-and-death vows and that honors the Lord, and in that act the Lord “ordains” the marriage as sacred.
The things that cheapen (lessens the value of) marriage are having cheap motive in the heart. e.g eloping, adultery, perversion, manipulation, and all the other ill-hearted sinful motivations and acts one has toward their marriage, spouse and God and acts of sin as explicitly described in the Word of God.
I can see how having a wife that honors the Lord and is mature would “feel like a soul mate” to her husband who also honors the Lord and is mature, and vice-verse. But that has nothing to do with sanctity of marriage.
Because marriage is a spiritual act of commitment and consecration loving/honoring one-another as Christ loves us, I think that saying one’s spouse is their “soul mate” cheapens the sanctity of marriage more than saying it the other way around as Hannah stated it.
Marriage is consecrated love…it is a daily “obedience” to the Lord and a commitment to the vows we made.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s helping me look at things so differently. I’ve been married for 13 years ( separated for the last 2)and I was so madly in love until the separation happened. Actually I was still madly in love for about a year after. I fought long and hard to keep the marriage long after it was over. I did everything I could to prevent her choice not to love me anymore. I was hung up on the soul mate true love thing. I couldn’t figure why my soulmate would leave me, why my true love ,the one God had intended ,would leave. What did I do to deserve this from either of them….. thank you for the perspective it was her choice not to love me anymore.
Reblogged this on covenant75.
I know you said that you would not be responding to these comments, but I wanted to tell you how encouraging this was to me. Sometimes you don’t always know just how to put what you believe in words and someone else has the gift to do just that. This is how I feel about your post. Thank you for sharing! Blessings, Michelle
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Reblogged this on time travel <<< and commented:
Single people, this is nice. =)
No-one gave me this advise. So I gave it to both my children (male and female). God provided the solid teaching about marrying committed Christian and both have. My very practical prayers were answered. No -one prayed for me, but God knew my heart and gave me these amazing children.
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This article was pretty offensive. My own personal experiences with God on this subject are the exact opposite of this woman’s experiences. Yet my story of God bringing my husband and I together through nearly impossible odds is just as relevant as her story. Her personal experience is not the only right way, for everyone. To infer that God doesn’t care who you marry is speaking for God with a blanket statement. And it can’t be backed up biblically. It’s a bad idea to make blanket statements for God. It’s very limiting. I realize that God isn’t going to work in every person’s story the exact same way that he did in mine, because he doesn’t often do things the same way twice. He’s a lot bigger than that, and I believe this post misrepresents him and sells him short.
Offensive? Think about it, Shoshana, your story and conclusions may be just as offensive to Hannah as you find Hannah’s story and conclusions offensive to you.
Really, who can actually compare his/her testimony with another person’s testimony and say who is right or wrong? The reality is that her perception of her life thru her Christian lens is hers, and your reality thru your Christian lens is yours.
God often seems biblically contradictory to us mortals because we are so dimensionally limited and view everything thru our own lens one eye-piece at a time, when God’s view is infinitesimally dimensional… Consider, for these two views, that God is “both and”, not “either or”.
Finding offense with another person’s testimony is also an offense in itself. Consider the gem of the Kingdom of God has infinite facets, all windows into the realm of God. In our vapor of a lifetime experience, we each may get to peer into maybe only a few of these precious facets, certainly not everyone of them. Therefore, none of us can ever have any completely conclusive rational basis for questioning another person’s testimony based on what God does not speak to specifically in the Bible, or into the heart of another individual.
I consider every believer to be a facet into the Kingdom of God! Everyone’s testimony is just as meaningful to themselves as your testimony is meaningful to you.
Her “blanket statements” are a summation of her biblical experience of marriage, just as your blanket statements are a summation of your biblical experience of marriage. regardless of whether they are biblically defined. Who of us mortals has a place in the Kingdom of God to condemn another person’s testimony without condemning his or her own testimony?
You actually made this point after you declared her point offensive…
Please reconsider…I think there is much more to consider than you are allowing… why not marvel at the testimonies of the numerous others who resonate with her story? I
marvel at the broad range of testimonies in this comment thread…
Blessings,
Mike
i agree wholeheartedly, THANK YOU for your comments….God is sovereign over our lives but He desires to take part in each decision we make. Also I have heard too many stories and know too many who were sovereignly brought together by God AT THE RIGHT TIME. I (respectfully) question the level quality of intimacy and relationship of the author and some of these commentors’ relationship with God. He is too concerned about our lives for this to be true. He is a loving Father who desires to take art in each decision. Yes, we do get crazy about it and sometimes need to be doers of the written word instead of waiting to hear a spoken word or command from God when fulfilling The New Commandment (Luke 13:34 & The Great Commission ought to be our lot in life.
This is a very inspiring post for me. I do not believe in God but the text you wrote speaks to me anyway, because it tells me to take my life into my own hands and that marriage does not happen because God or the cosmos wish for it, but it is a choice of free will. I believe we have free will for a very good reason, to use it 😉
I truly wish you two all the best for your marriage and in life.
I wholeheartedly appreciate and support this post. And I’ll add that this perspective can be compatible with a “list” depending upon what’s ON the list. A junior high teacher shared research about how powerful it is to write down and then frequently look at the goals one hopes to accomplish in life. A man chooses a path but the Lord directs our steps, right? So at 14 I wrote down goals for lots of areas in life, and there was a husband list which received only slight tweaks over the next decade — mostly about matters of character (Loves God first and me second, hard worker but not a workaholic, etc.). When things got serious with my now-husband, I handed him the list one evening and sat silently. He read it all carefully and then declared matter-of-factly, “That’s me.” A charming smile followed and I still agree 13 years later.
Sharon, awesome comment! Such wisdom and perception! Very well said!
I disagree and my basis for disagreeing is that God has planned our whole lives to be wrapped His will and His direction. Now, I honestly believe God creates someone for you, someone who is truly compatible with you. I know this because I found that individual. I prayed and prayed about it and then God told me. God grants you the desires of your heart, because your desires are His desires. I believe to say that you can just marry anyone who is compatible with you is a lie, because in the end, God designed your whole life, the people who will be in it and the people who will walk with you in it and one of the most important individuals to walk with you is your husband or wife. Some may disagree, but I stick with what I feel in my heart and what the Bible says.
As a spiritual director to people all over the world, I frequently have people ask me to tell them who God wants them to marry. The question frustrates me to no end. Your answer is so well articulated that I’m going to bookmark it and and send it along with my responses. Thank you.
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Does God really hold us accountable for pinpointing one particular person? Or does he hold us accountable for choosing someone who will help bring us closer to Him? And are we that perfect that there can only be one person who satisfies that need?
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Hannah, what a great article. I grew up in the environment that you describe, a few years before you did. I cannot tell you how frustrating it was to be around all these nice Christian girls that were taking vows not to date. 🙂
I completely agree with your assessment. In fact, Proverbs is full of advice for a man to FIND a wife, I have found nowhere that God just provides one. I had a friend who’s favorite was always Proverbs 21:9 “It’s better to live in a corner on the roof than to share a house with a contentious woman.” You don’t even get the whole roof, just living on a corner is better than that marriage.
I think it’s difficult to make a good choice when it comes to marriage and so many people just hold on to bad relationships. I’m still single, but OK with it. When I meet someone I think is worth spending the rest of my life with that will probably change.
I’m sorry but I have to disagree with this. I believe that “the one” exists for any woman with a desire for marriage. Sure, we could choose any one to be with (marry) but is that who God has specifically called us to be with? Is that the person you’ve prayed about and know in your heart that this person is the one for you? I’m single, but I would imagine waiting for someone who ISN’T my soul mate or the one would be a little daunting. If that’s the case, I could just marry any old body and try to make it work (note: I dislike the term “soul mate” but for purposes of this post, I’ll use it). I believe that God does have someone specifically designed for me (and me for him) not ‘just’ for marriage but to fulfill the purpose God has for us as a couple. Not just ‘any’ man can do that with me and I believe not just ‘any’ woman could do that with my future husband. I’ll end with this: Nothing against your father but you said that he made the claim that, “There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry.” So Adam wasn’t “the one” for Eve (and vice versa)? Yes, God could have made a “Ruth” or an “Esther” or a “Sarah” for Adam but He didn’t. And yes, those women COULD have been “compatible” but would they have fit the plan and purpose that God had specifically for Adam and EVE? I say no. The person that God has for you (and you for that person) is beyond compatibility. That’s way too easy. It’s beyond just making it work. That’s way too hard. I believe that the person that God has for me (and vice versa) will be the one. What God has for me and my future husband is beyond compatibility and working hard at a relationship, but it’s about the purpose that God has for us. No other man will be able to do that with me, except my future husband. No woman will be able to do that for my future husband except for me.
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
–1 Corinthians 7:39
Beautifully written. I never thought about it like that and it makes sense. Thank You.
As someone who just bought a ring yesterday for my girlfriend (shh, she doesn’t know yet!) and has been kind of freaking out about the enormity of what I’m about to commit myself to (although I really want to), this was the perfect thing to read to put my mind at ease and reaffirm why I’m about ready to make this plunge. Thank you, and this is an incredible article. I couldn’t agree more, and my mother is the one who gave me similar advice to your father!
Thank you so much for this!!!
You wrote eloquently what I’ve always thought. And did it in a way that most people don’t find offensive. Which is great. Kudos. Feel free to stop by http://lovevsmodernromance.blogspot.com/
Ok girl…this was SO ME!!!! I love every word here! You are so wonderfully and refreshingly real! I too swore off dating and had many a “date nights with Jesus” in college 🙂
There is so much more to life than “giving us the desires of our hearts.” This world is soo not about “our” story, but ALL HIS story. More often than not,…we dont even know what the desires are and those desires dont necessarily mean the check list husband we dreamt about 🙂
Thank you for this! LOVE with all my heart!
Amy K
http://www.TheBloomPrintProject.com
Hannah,
Sounds like you’ve been on an amazing journey! It is interesting reading your thoughts, your process, and how it’s gotten you to where you are today. You make some very introspective points! I, too, am very passionate about this topic, but I definitely come at it from a different angle than you. I wholly believe that the Lord has specific plans and callings over our lives, especially from what I’ve learned throughout scripture, and I do believe this also pertains to marriage. At the same time, you’re right–He does call us to walk by faith, to choose to show and walk in love, and to trust Him to bring us what our hearts don’t even realize we desire. The mistake and struggle that so many Christians make is to think that “soul mate” means “perfect mate,” which it absolutely does not. When we compare it to other things the Lord calls us to, or other doors He opens in our lives, we find that the door or path seems nowhere near perfect, easy, or something that is only meant to make us happy. You’re right–it’s not about happiness; it’s about holiness. At the same time, the Lord ordains, plans, and calls us–even in marriage–not to a “perfect mate” for the sole purpose of making us happy, but a “soul mate” meaning someone that He knows will develop in our souls and spirits a Christ-like heart and character; someone that will spur us on and sharpen us. He brings us someone, as you said, that is not at all the mold of what we thought our “soul mate” should be. If we walked in faith with the perspective of God’s higher plan working out His good for us as we walk wisely and prayerfully, we see that both views fit into one: God DOES have a specific plan for us in marriage (a “soul mate” by the definition I gave) and God DOES also brings us what is His best for us (not what we think is best). The confusion comes when we use the world’s definition of “soul mate” instead of God’s definition of “soul mate.” Everything comes back to Him and His word. I know that many people have differing views on this topic, but I wanted to at least share the new thought of one’s definition of “soul mate” as it pertains to all perspectives and opinions on this topic.
Keep up the blog!
Reblogged this on soli deo gloria and commented:
Enlightened (as shared by Elliott).
People will say and do whatever it takes to convince themselves into believing someone is their soul mate. If we are to believe that there is such a person as a soul mate, chances are for many of us, we completely bypassed him or her without a passing glance; perhaps even trampled on his or her spirit while in a big rush to find or hold on to some “perfect mate” image conjured up in our minds.
There are a lot of theological discussions on free will vs. predestination (there are more views than these). Personally, I believe in a less intense version of predestination. I believe God gave us free will to make choices, but I also believe God has foreknowledge of what will take place in the future. My view is close to C.S. Lewis’ view of God and His foreknowledge/free will. I am married myself, and I do believe my husband is the man God created for me. My experience is probably much different from yours, and that is okay. I believe it is important to seek God’s will for our lives in ever aspect, not just what we think is important to come to Him with. Before I met my husband, God told me He wanted me to wait for His best. So I waited, and a few months later, I met my husband. God confirmed many times that my husband was His best. Now, I must note that because I believe we have free will; I believe we as humans have the choice to pick our spouse without God. Personally, I wanted to do God’s will before my own so I invited Him to come into every aspect of my life. Just like I come to Him in prayer for everything, I come to Him to follow His will in everything. Just because my husband is God’s best for me doesn’t mean he is perfect, obviously lol. But, he is the best man for me.
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Reblogged this on brian foreman and commented:
More true than many will want to admit. No doubt about it: when you marry, the other becomes “the one.”
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OH MY GOD! This was Godsent to me lol. Even though we are talking about how God doesn’t have an specific plan hehehe. I was worried and sad, because My boyfriend is a new believer. We have been dating for a year and seven months and there have been disagreements that often I think oh God could he not be my soul mate? I LOVED your writing and Im going to call him right now to translate tis to him, cuz he doesnt read english lol. Im teaching him. GOD BLESS YOU! I hope God does let me marry this man, who so far I have chose to get to know and love. Sure aint easy sometimes cause non of us are perfect. 🙂 But its worth it.
I grew up in an imaginary world – circumstances caused me to create my own world – i could never express my self for what i felt – i suffered the loss of many things – but god – put a flavour in my soul – the power of life breath some one to hold – she never knew what she is and will probably never know – but the scroll of destiny is mine for ever to hold – its a strange place amazing grace – its good to have loved and never to be lost because – every memory of this life is compounded – into a 3 week moment that is mine forever – even poetry is an absolute failure – my souls weather is fair and i will always have my fingers in her hair – i will never have to escape – i know what love is – i herd it in her voice and my soul tasted the truth of every thing that i never knew could possibly be – God has a way – of giving us every thing when the world thinks hes given us nothing – we walk around fumbling in the dark and he gives us every thing even when we are nothing – my life is just beginning – im 41 years old and i live in south africa – the country that will forge a hope for the whole world in the new order of our time – i know that in my heart i will be a part of something the world has never seen before – and gillian will be right their with me –
Is the god you believe in omnipotent? If so, wouldn’t He have known that you would marry the man you married and the decisions you would make to lead you to each other, therefore making him “the one” for you? I’m not saying that there are definitely “soulmates”. I just don’t really think there’s a way of knowing for sure. This was beautifully written though whether I agree with it or not.
Also, I think we are more often misled in those youth programs into thinking we know the type of person we want and then making lists and dreaming up that specific image. It makes sense to me that a soulmate would be much different than our dream mate. An omniscient God knows us and our needs better than we know ourselves. The only debate I would have against soulmates and common youth program teachings is that everyone isn’t meant to be married.
>Concerning “Soul mate”: All bothers and sisters in Christ are kindred thru the Holy Spirit, so “soul-mate” is then a lesser carnal term for what is kindred in the Spirit, is it not?
>Concerning “Marriage”: “Marriage” is God’s idea. It is His institution. There is a reason it is called “Holy Matrimony”. Marriage is a main arena in our mortal lives that we are commanded to glorify God.
>Concerning “Glorifying God”: (The following is borrowed from the referenced blogs)
To Glorify God (Part 1): http://ericbargerhuff.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-does-it-mean-to-glorify-god-part-1.html
How does the command to glorify God impact my attitudes, actions, conversation, dreams, goals, and relationships? This will be the subject of part 2.
To Glorify God (Part 2): http://ericbargerhuff.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-does-it-mean-to-glorify-god-part-2.html
Application: If you are walking with the Lord and are testing everything, forsaking known sin, reading the Word and letting it shape you, praying regularly, serving others out of love and joy, then guess who it is who is shaping the desires of your heart? God is. And God’s will for your life is being realized naturally. Simple? Yes, simple. Note the Scripture below:
“…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”
Philippians 2:12b-13
If you are working “out” your salvation as described above, then you need to understand that God is working at the same time, and he is the One who is (dare I say, “causing”) you to have certain desires and to perform certain actions that are in keeping with His will and that in the end will bring glory to God.
Ask yourself the following in the following areas:
1) Attitudes – does my attitude about something reflect God’s priorities in life or my sinful ones? Is my attitude shaped more by circumstances or by the internal relationship and trust that I have placed in Christ who reigns over me? Is my attitude similar to the selfless attitude that Christ had (see Philippians 2)?
2) Actions – is what I’m doing more inclined to enhance my reputation or God’s? This kind of gets to motives, which will always reveal itself eventually in actions. Are my actions then in keeping with the behavior and good works that exalt the name of Christ – because really, He has prepared some things for me to do that are specifically designed for that purpose (Eph 2:10).
3) Conversations¬ – does this conversation build up others? Will it help someone else be inspired towards pursuing the things of God? Now wait here, aren’t some conversation neutral? Like isn’t it great that the Cubs are in first place? Well, yes, we can talk about that – and that conversation may not inspire someone to pursue the things of God, but indirectly it is building commonality, friendship, enjoyment of life, communication, and all those things are good – gifts of God I say. Perhaps more specifically here we can just watch to make sure that no “…unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29
That seems to be a good rule of thumb for knowing if I am glorifying God in this area of my life.
4) Dreams and goals – pursuing what you know God has designed you and gifted you to do is a major aspect of glorifying God. For example, one of my wife’s gifts is photography, and the more she pursues and uses it the more her gift gives testimony to God’s glory since He is the one who gave her the gift in the first place. So in doing what we are good at, and doing it in such a way that it has a positive impact on others is all a way to glorify God with your life. Just remember, when we use our gifts we are “faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10).
5) Relationships¬ – committing yourself to purity, considering others as better than yourself, serving someone else with a sacrificial love that seeks to cause them to grow (Ephesians 5:25ff). All this is glorifying to God. Taking an interest in the spiritual growth of others is a priority that is often missed among many Christians today. But it is one of the main reasons why we exist – especially as a church.
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The only “one person” God meant to be perfectly destined for relationship with each one of us is Jesus.
Sparking this whole predestination vs free will argument is silly and quite unnecessary. It really has nothing to do with the post and trying to make any firm philosophical arguments about the concepts of predestination and free will as a whole is like trying to understand color, when you can only see in black and white.
Timdevino…. well said.
God’s institution of marriage and family is His idea, His design. I often wonder why people need other theological or philosophical rhetoric to amplify it and debate it. The who construct and process of marriage and family is so marvelous that we should never cease marveling and revering marriage and family…and especially salvation through His Son Jesus Christ! It’s no wonder the enemy makes it among his main targeting.
Blessings!
I think the whole soul mate phenomenon works like this. Whomever I marry, as long as its not totally screwed up and doesnt end in divorce, is my ‘soul mate’, because that makes me feel like I’ve attained a huge milestone of spirituality and approval. And I’m not responsible for choice of marriage partner. And I’m not really responsible for the marriage, either. The idea that I could have chosen someone else and still been in God’s will, or, most horrifically, might have chosen someone better than I chose, is very scary and threatening because it places responsibility on me, on an ongoing basis. I can’t rest on the laurels of my Godly soulmate choice. I don’t actually have an invisible crown of approval that says ‘soul mate’ on it. I am responsible every day for loving my spouse. My end of the marriage is on ME, and i have to yield to God my pride, my selfishness, pettiness. I’d much rather have a marriage with God’s seal of approval on it, and that seal consists of the fact that I found my soul mate and I question the spirituality of anyone who disagrees.
“We would know that he was THE ONE because of his plethora of WWJD bracelets and because (duh) he had also kissed dating goodbye and was waiting for me, strumming Chris Tomlin songs on his guitar as he stared into whatever campfire was nearby” <— This happened even in Africa… Loved the post… Love your blog…
I have to think that this article is encouraging and uplifting for people trapped under the oppression of waiting around for a soulmate or questioning their marriage because their mate may not be their soulmate. However, beyond that I think the theology behind this leads to a very proud view of oneself and considers God to be not only small but also apathetic. My thoughts in full are here.
http://misterhatchel.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-wife-is-my-soul-mate.html
After 33 years of marriage, someone puts it in words for me ……
Thank you for sharing this. This is well rounded wholesome truth even in Nairobi, Kenya.
Awesome!!! Finally something i can relate with!
No matter if we marry or who we marry, we need to live our lives according to God’s purpose for our lives. Our spouse should be the most important person to help us 1) love God more (leading to righteousness) and 2) love our neighbor/fellow man as ourselves. If we are living our lives on purpose, then our marriage will just be a subset of that purpose. If living for our spouse is our purpose, we will fall short every time and our spouse will fall short of our expectations, every time.
A few months late in commenting, but anyway xD I’ve been working my way toward this line of thought for awhile. My boyfriend now… Not at all what my family thought would be my match, nor what I thought when I was younger. Today, I love him because he makes me laugh multiple times a day and for so many other reasons. I CHOOSE to be with him. I’ve CHOSEN to stick by him through some pretty rough times, and we work every day to re-commit in our relationship. I can’t imagine life without him.
I just wanted to say thanks for sharing this story. It is something I have been struggling a lot with lately, marriage. I want to get married so bad but I was also freaking out because we always forget that it does not say anywhere in the bible that God has one person for you. I would constantly stress that I missed the opportunity or was so distracted that I missed “the one”. And honestly it is nice to know that there is not that one soul mate but that it is your choice. All that matters is that your relationship glorifies God and that you are both running this beautiful race together.
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I had to laugh! Obviously I was involved with the I Kissed Dating Goodbye movement, as well! Exceptionally well-written! Sorry for all the rude comments!
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Thank you so much for this. Was hard to hear but was so dearly need to be heard by me right now. Thank you for your awesome wisdom and insight!
Simply, thank you. It’s taken me a long time to learn this. That while God is concerned with our lives and our happiness. He hasn’t hidden away a man that is just what I want. And you’re Mom was right about what matters in choosing a man to marry and share your life with.
I think you wanted to say that your husband is not your predestined mate, not that he is not your soul mate. He should be your soul mate, otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen him. Every spouse should be a soul mate for the other.
* soulmate – definition
NOUN [COUNTABLE] British English pronunciation: soulmate /ˈsəʊlˌmeɪt/ Word Forms
someone who you have a special relationship with because you share the same feelings, attitudes, and beliefs
I love this! Your words on here are great and I’m so glad you wrote about it, choosing to be who you’re with! We all definitely could have easily been with someone else. Nicely said and well put!
I discovered recently that my wife of 17 years fell in love with another man. She decided to stop the relationship and stay with me and our four young children (8, 5, 5, and 3). This has been an extremely hard time and I have taken to a journal to give her relief from my anger and pain. The absolute hardest thing today I have had to face in the last 2 months is that my wife believes that the other man was her soul mate/love of her life. I don’t think she would have taken the relationship as far as she did (mostly mental very little physical) if she didn’t feel this way (she has never been that type of woman). You post is what I was looking for. I need to read it again later and read all the comments. I pray that your marriage will be blessed and I hope you and all your reader pray for my marriage to heal and for our love to have a rebirth. I miss my wife even though I am still with her and hope our pain will heal and love.
Will keep you and your wife in prayer, friend. Will pray for healing and new love.
Reblogged this on lifethroughtheeyesofmeggc and commented:
It is so interesting how similar this post is to mine on soul mates! It’s cool that others have the same thoughts as me on this subject!
I believe my husband is my soulmate. I believe God plans all things, little, big and huge. I did not choose to love him, my heart fell in love with him on its own. I do choose to continue to love him when we have hard times. I believe a marriage is full of falling in and out of love with someone. And in the down areas I choose to continue to love him. I have tried to choose to love people from my past that were the perfect choice and miserably failed. I have loved my husband from that second night we ever seen each other. When he put his arm around me for a picture and didnt take it off. And my heart didnt speed up from being nervous like it wouldve with a different crush but slowed down to an easy steady pace and felt like it swelled up 3x bigger and felt completely full and hole for the first time in my life. And i felt a whole arrangements of feelings from warmth (no not from his bodyheat lol) comfort, safe… Just… Home. From that moment on i have only had eyes for him. And I still feel that very feeling anytime we touch 4 years later and it is not by choice. I dont decide to feel that, but i do decide to work through anything bad that comes our way… Sorry im rambling, i swear im not debating just gushing! Lol
Love glitter!!
Nice article and well written!
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OMG (sarcasm).
I think freedom of speech is very important but geesh. There are religious fanatics everywhere.
To each their own.
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Thank you for sharing! Lovely pictures as well.
Sorry for all the lengthy religious drivel scattered above.
This post was fabulous, from-the-heart writing. Greatly appreciated.
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Reblogged this on What Is Real True Love? and commented:
Wise, sound, very practical stuff. . . . “You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. . . . This is profoundly unromantic advice. We love to hear of people who ‘just can’t help who they love,’ or people who ‘fall in love,’ or ‘find the one person meant for them.’ Even within the Christian circle, we love to talk about how God ‘had someone’ for someone else for all of time. But what happens to these people when the unstoppable and uncontrollable force that prompted them to start loving, lets them stop loving, or love someone else? What happens is a world where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy. My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love. . . . I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.” Well said; very well said.
As soon as I read that your husband used to memorise Pink Floyd lyrics, I realised you had won yourself a good man. Who needs a soul mate when you can have a man with impeccable taste
I think she’s giving herself too much credit.. like ” I ” chose, “I” did it… there is no magical force behind this, this sounds too controlling, like she did everything, because she “chose” to be good and committed to someone, she’s forgetting completely about God.. God did have a saying it this!! or didn’t He? OMG, my soul freaks out at the thought of us worrying too much about this.. as if there is “one soul mate” for us, then “WE” (totally ego thing) have to make it happen or else we’re going to miss out on the opportunity, and that’s why we want to STOP beliving in that magic… and trust me people, it doesn’t have to do with OURSELVES (like our egos want to believe)… God’s got this… what if.. what if… i don’t get to meet her/him, of find her/him.. No! that is the fear of us not wanting to believe in it, because then we’ll have to make it happen… God will!!! God is fighting our fight, we just have to walk with Him… People… you are forgetting about love… come on!! this article might sound sweet or encouraging, but she forgets about love… that thing that binds us together with someone that comes COMPLETELY from GOD… we don’t MAKE IT HAPPEN, ourselves… let’s please stop being self-centered and trust God more… that he will bring the one for you. I pray for you all to have truly genuine love
And again, people who have been agreeing on this, is because they love to know they actually “control” this… we want to have always control over our lives instead of trusting God! what’s wrong!.. let’s trust God goodness..
This article is praising too much self-reliance, and I strongly recommend Hanna to not kill that hint of romanticism that is always good for marriages, she’s still a newly-wed, but for a long-term committed relationship she’s going to need more than: an “-I- can make it work” attitude, because I chose it. Give it up to God, even now after you married him Hanna. And some optimism or romance won’t hurt anyone either in this article
Thank you Hannah for sharing your thoughts. I agree with your critique of the “soulmate” theology, however I am disappointed at how unashamedly you have maligned a brother in Christ in the process, and I feel compelled to stand in the gap considering how many people are interested in what you have to say. Joshua Harris, who wrote “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, never alluded to the concept of there being “the one”. In fact I have heard him state in a radio interview that the sole premise of the book was to say that if you weren’t ready to enter into a covenantal relationship with someone, then why are you dating? In my opinion this was probably the wisest suggestion you could make to a generation of youth generally to caught up in themselves to ponder such a concept. So it deeply saddens me when so many Christian writers, and now bloggers, speak of the title of his book with a hint of contempt. Joshua Harris, at the time he wrote that book, was a young man who pioneered a conversation of purity and honour toward women, in a generation where sexual promiscuity and abuse was rife and on the rise. We should be applauding this hero of the faith rather than assuming the content of his books by their title. Anyway, I think you could have communicated what you did without pinning your critique to a particular person. Just a thought…
calvinrtaylor, I, too, am in agreement with Joshua Harris’s book; our daughters and mentorees all read his material and then some, such as “Boy Meets Girl”, “Passion and Purity”, etc
However, perhaps you ought to go back re-read her blog and note the context where she used “kissed dating goodbye”. There is no “hint of contempt” in her narrative. She is speaking of a time in her life from a teen-girl’s point of view. Hannah didn’t claim that JH alluded to “the one” in his material…again she was narrating a personal season and she identified that season by several descriptors, including the JH book title reference….nothing more. Was she being critical? No, she was musing about a school-girlish and wide-eyed romantic season of her life. And she wasn’t critiquing JH’s book either. She was very serious about honoring Jesus in her life then and growing in character to become a wife..and that hasn’t changed based on her narrative…but she has matured and moved on to continuing spiritually and practically maturing in marriage. I wouldn’t be surprise if someday she gives her own daughter (if she has one) JH’s book as well…. but with her new-found wisdom that God gives to his children when they honor His covenants. Perhaps she’ll write her own book or have a blog for her children to read. I suspect one day she may very well be acclaimed by writing critics and others as one of the heroes in the faith.. by the responses on this blog, I think she has reached that status. ..Certainly not just a thought..
To quote the brilliant Benjamin Franklin: being ignorant
isn’t to be ashamed of. Being unwilling to learn is.
Thank you for enabling me to learn. I am a tad less ignorant right
now than I had been yesterday.
Even though Jeremiah 29:11 may have been for a specific people at a specific time doesn’t God still know all? Didn’t he create all? I’m sure he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to us. He may put us through some things, but it’s only to teach us right? So technically wouldn’t it still be true?
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Thanks for a great post, Hannah! You are right on about the choice to love. That reminds me of the book The 5 Love Languages. It’s all about showing love in the way that your significant other recognizes it or prefers to receive it. It’s an absolutely eye-opening book, and its principles apply to relationships with friends and acquaintances too.
I heard somewhere that your soul mate is whomever you choose to marry and be with for the rest of your life. I like that thought. I like yours too.
Reblogged this on Jay and commented:
First time ever hearing this in my life! In complete utter shock but almost in comfort.. knowing that I could fall in love with whomever I please.. whenever I want and however!
It’s totally different than what I have been learning about because I’ve always expected God to have my husband planned out and ready and ready to be there all squared away when I Got there but mm.. maybe that is not the case.
Although I’m looking for a radical Jesus Lover.
What does that mean?To give up all my qualifications and to just marry the man I love.. regardless of his beliefs?Mmm.. I think not. I will love whomever I please but he has to love the Lord. Has to.
Thanks for sharing, Hannah! This is a concept that I think most Christians from our generation didn’t realize until it was too late, or haven’t realized yet. I think this idea of there being ‘the one’ or a ‘soul mate’ has probably harmed more marriages than it has helped. It took a separation in my marriage for me to personally realize this truth and also realize WHY I chose my husband over anyone else. It helped me realize my motives (some of them wrong) for marrying him, but that it’s my effort and his effort that makes a marriage committed, makes it work, and can make it bliss. The separation let me realize that there is no such thing as a ‘soul mate’ (With 2 diff guys at 2 diff times in life, I was sure each was my soul mate. One dumped me and left me dumb-founded and broken-hearted; the other I realized, with time, was too different and incompatible with me. Hence I realized ‘soul mates’ do not exist, but compatible partners DO.) Great thoughts here, and although I completely agree with your general message, there were a few points I disagree with.
I remember early on in my marriage realizing my husband wasn’t my soul mate (at a time when I still believed they existed). I honestly admitted this to my best friend (my husband). He simply said, “I’m your soul mate because you married me.” That didn’t sink in back then, but that is what you’re saying here in this blog. He had wisdom then that I didn’t have–that I had to learn with time. That there is no such thing as a soul mate–but the one we’re married to is ‘the one’ and only for us.
MP, very well explained in these two posts!
Be blessed!
Indeed. It really comes down to having character and maturity.
I was actually just sharing my heart with my hubby about God not having ONE person for you or ONE college for you. My eyes were opened in being a mother. I saw our juniors and seniors desperately seeking God for direction. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that is a wonderful way to live your life, but part of me felt sad in seeing such desperation and worry. My son was around 7 or 8 yrs old at the time and learning to order off the children’s menu by himself at restaurants. It was fun to give a little one so much freedom and let him choose. Of course, we might set guidelines based on price or nutrition, just like the Lord has some guidelines in who we choose to marry or what career path we take. But I realized that it would make me feel sad to see my son afraid of making the wrong choice for dinner and spending his whole time trying to discern what I would choose for him. All the while, I just want him to choose something that he would like, something that would make him happy. God gave us free will and I believe it brings Him so much pleasure for providing so many beautiful options for us.
Michelle, great point!
Children have two quests of their parents: One is to give them roots, and the other is to give them wings.
The only way to contribute to your child’s maturity is to develop their competence (I can!), their Identity (I am!) and their sense of security (I am safe!). Marriage, family life, and godly parenting provide that foundation and faith and confidence to mature and fly.
Well parented children will always say later on…”My dad always said..” and “My mom always said…”… and “Mom, Dad, I’m going to raise my kids the way you raised me!”
I always considered a soul mate anyone you trust enough to share your deepest heart’s desires, pain. struggles, dreams…
Often we’ve heard stories of people in hostage situations or trapped together sharing a traumatic experience who became soul mates.
People who minister together, especially in crisis, or in remote situations, easily experience soul mate relationships. One can feel fond of or in love with another simply by having an experience where he/she shared in their deep personal realm with another to the point of “intimate trust” becoming soul mates. Often these relationships become physical which emotionally and mentally deepens the imprinting of the relationship in their souls.
Yet “soul mates” does not imply commitment and loyalty as does marriage, “Soul mate” is a bond that happens when persons trust each another and share the deepest parts of the their souls. While it connects the souls, it is not the true spiritual bond as the one the Lord gives His beloved when they marry in Holy Matrimony.
You can actually have many soul mates, but really only one holy marital spouse. Marriage is a commitment to the relationship and to each others’ welfare regardless of how one feels…and that takes daily resolve and work. That is loyalty and commitment. It is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
We can use a lot of the relationship things God has provided for our own benefit, but they will not be blessed without the anointing of the Lord as when we do it His way and in His order.
great post! very inspiring and encouraging for where I am in my daily walk with God and my frustrations of the dating world. Thank you thank you thank you!
I loved everything about this post! Life is all about choices and what we do with them!
Thank you for sharing
Your dad sounds like my favorite. “God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.”
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Here is what I think:
There is indeed a soulmate. I’m not referring to a soulmate that you can just identify in the crowd and highlight him the same way you do when you look for Waldo in a huge crowd of people, no. In other words, I’m not referring to the disney “soulmate”. A soulmate is not labeled instantaneously, and like you said, there are many compatible people that you could have chosen to spend your life with. The trick to this term is that it is rather earned. It is earned after time together, where you’ve gone through the joy, sadness, happiness, stressful times etc. What counts is how after each and every experiences together, you do in fact grow closer and closer and do become one. Essentially, when you see how far along you’ve come from with that “one” person, then you define them as your “soulmate”. You do say in your blog, that you do not imagine yourself being with another person, and that you enjoy him.
When things are seen in a romantic light, people look at it as very complicated, when in fact it is very simple. When you met some of the friends you have made, you didn’t instantaneously label them the first day, or second you’ve met them. However, with time, having grown, learned and shared experiences together, you could not have imagined being friends with any other people that might have been different. That title, that feeling, they have earned it from you over time, the good and the bad.
Another thing about the disney “soulmate” is that it leaves us the impression that everything is under our control. That’s the beauty of being a Christian, and let me explain why. Just as you say that there are many other compatible people you could have chosen to spend your life with, one element that allowed you to “choose” and be with you husband is greater than you and me, and that is God. God saw that it was good, and let it be. God saw that it was good, and the right TIME, and aligned everything so that you could not only make the decisions and choices you’ve made, but also that they became a success. This brings up the many instances in this life, where people have made the same level of sacrifices and choices you have to be with your husband and have that unity, and still it had not worked out. Something greater, someone greater, has to have let it happen. Therefore, God knows who is meant for you, but it is not our job to label, but His. Henceforth, we all need to trust him, and surrender all.
I stumbled upon this blog post a few months ago right around the time you posted it…and it significantly changed my perspective on relationships. It’s incredible that this blog post really helped me in realizing that there isn’t just one person for me out there(which is a HUGE relief because I can’t see myself traveling the world looking for my “soulmate”) and that I can be happy with a lot of different compatible people!
I just wanted to thank you for writing this. You are inspiring, talented, and I absolutely enjoy your writing. I also love that you’re a photographer! That’s passion numero uno for me!
I brag to my friends that I read your blog all the time(I’m severely judged).
Thank you for all that you do!
-BIG FAN
I don’t know if you will see this, but thank you. I believe love is a choice, also. I needed to see this today. Thank you.
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I don’t believe in waiting for the perfect man. No one has been perfect since Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden. But I do believe that there is such a thing as destiny or God’s will. It is not wrong to marry anyone as long as they are Christian and love God, but the best/wisest, way to approach relationships is to ask God to bring His choice of a mate into our lives. There are too many people who claim to be Christian but have issues with drinking, violence, drugs, pornography…etc for me to believe that God tells us we are on our own when it comes to picking a marriage partner. Furthermore, considering couples arranged by God such as Ruth and Boaz, Isaac and Rebekah, and Adam and Eve, possibly even Joseph and Mary (Joseph was told by an angel to proceed with marrying her, thus confirming that their marriage was God’s will) I think that, while it is not a sin to choose our own mates, God has a best choice for us based on what would make the most loving, blessed, God-honoring, relationship. That does not mean that marriage is not hard work or will be easy, because you married the one you were meant to be with, but it does mean that the relationship will be what God deemed to be the best choice.
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I’ve debated commenting on this for a while. This has been on my heart since I read the article a little while ago. I believe it deeply underminds God’s ultimate sovereignty. We may not know who it is that God has for us in the moment, but looking back, instead of seeing our own choices leading us we should see HIS providence guiding us to where He wants us. I wrote a post of my own in response.
http://itsamomlife.blogspot.com/2013/11/is-my-husband-my-soul-mate.html
Nobody’s arguing that God isn’t sovereign, Angie.
Right…it just sounds like people are saying He’s sovereign…but only over certain areas of our lives. Like he plans part of our path, but not all of it…specifically the paths of our marriages. I just wholeheartedly disagree with that and felt I needed to respond. I certainly don’t see this as a subject I want to argue over, I just wanted to voice a different view that I believe is more Scriptural.
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I agree with every single thing you’ve said here. Thank you so much for debunking the myths of soulmates. In fact my husband and I wrote something very similar to this a few months ago on our blog http://www.naijahusband.com/2013/07/17/the-myth-of-the-one/
I love this
Reblogged this on mizzpeh.
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I LOVED THIS!! Sadly. . . I’ve met a woman who I love I can’t help it, every morning I wake up and am filled with gratitude. . . We have been together for almost 2 years now, BUT. . . She still holds onto an actual “Prophetic” dream in which “God” Showed her his plan for her as to whom she should marry, and she still holds onto it, I’m waiting for the day she looks back as you have and laughs. . . But. . . till then it sometimes hurts. . .
Reblogged this on Anastasiaruth.
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Exactly, a soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
Excellent description!
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I love this post so much! I can’t even express how much I relate to both the past and present iterations of Christian girlhood expressed here. I just stumbled upon it at such an appropriate time. I just love every word. Thank you for sharing!!
P.S. The world I’m currently immersed in doesn’t have much experience with the church youth group culture of the turn of the millenium, so it was extremely nostalgic and brought a smile to my face to read someone’s account of those days that sounded so similar to mine. 🙂
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My mom went through that stage for her children. She told me , you can pray for a Christian husband. i thought, that sounds good. I didn’t pray.
Later, after hearing a speaker she said, you can pray specifics, like what he would look like. I though, okay. I’d like a talk, dark, handsome Christian man.
After I graduated, she said, anyone say they are Christian & go to church. You need to pray for a man who loves God with all his heart.
That sounded right. I prayed, God, I’d like one who loves you with all their heart & will serve you whether or not I served you. I pray he will help me to know & love you better.
That’s the man I married.
29 years now
Amen Carla!
This may sound like a chic flick story but men should read this. So many of us of the male gender think that we are God’s gift to women and that’s just dumb. I married a girl that in college we debated in class over how much money you should spend on funeral costs. Now after 40+ years of marriage that doesn’t seem to be important. was is important is that I still love her.
Right on Randy
Friend of mine posted this on FB. My dad gave me and my sisters lots of good advice about men, dating and marriage. One of the best pieces was to make sure you “like” who you marry which may very well be more important than being in love or marrying someone you think you can’t live without.
My husband of 26 years and I enjoyed spending time with each other during our courtship, and to this day, we enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else. Sure, I like seeing a chick flick with the girls, and he likes the occasional camping trip with the guys. But on Friday nights after a long hard day at work, we like coming home to each other rather than going our separate ways. On one hand, his buddies give him grief about how I won’t “let him” hit the bars with them; then on the other, they whine about how all they want is what we have. Funny how they don’t get it. My husband chooses to come home to me.
I found this blog post late one night. My husband and I married this past October and for the first two months life was blissful. We already have a son together and since we are both 34-ish, decided that it was time to have baby number two……and then life started to happen. Almost as soon as we found out that I was pregnant everything changed. I realize now, that nothing changed, our disillusioned expectations were just exposed. The night I found this post I couldn’t sleep. We had been fighting for a few days and were becoming more and more distant by the moment. I was beginning to wonder if we had made a mistake. Laying in bed, unable to sleep, I knew that God wanted my attention. I got up and started researching the word marriage on Google. This post came up. Halfway through I was completely in tears and I knew that this was written for me. My husband is not my soul mate, that guy that dreamed about, prayed about, made lists about. He’s better because his imperfections and humanness push me and stretch me in ways that I will forever be grateful. This person makes me want to be better, not for me, but for him, because I chose him and he chose me. Because we could have chosen any one else, but instead we decided to do life together forever and for that I will forever desire to give him th best of me, even when the best of me isn’t ready yet. Thanks so much again for telling your story. Our personal experiences are not for ourselves, but for those who can relate. It reminds us that we are not alone and gives us perspective from the outside, when our own insides are confused.
Beautiful testimony!
“When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3) “Do not look out only for yourselves. Look out for the good of others also.” (1 Corinthians 10:24)
“…the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Gal 5:22-23
All the promises of God are true,yes and Amen!
God bless you!
Thanks for sharing your heart!
Thank you…God’s word is the bread of life. I will write these scriptures on my heart!
God bless you!
Another word We that has spoken to us over the recent 40 years is:
“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have [a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:1-5)
We had our ups and downs over the last 40 years… Looking back , I am now sure that the mistakes we made, even the times we weren’t mature or godly, were not God’s concern but our root love for family and a legacy that honors Him, God has blessed us because His unfathomable grace was always there and because we always chose Him and took the high road focusing on parenting Godly children … even the really tough times when we couldn’t utter a prayer out loud because the weight was so heavy … He was faithful to strengthen us…His promises are true..Yes and Amen!
We give Jesus all the glory in the awesome family we have….our 3 children all wisely married Godly spouses… …their in laws all live close and love the Lord an are friends.. we have 11 beautiful grandchildren (1yr to 7yr) all living close.
The joy we have now has erased any remembrance of any pain in the past! God bestows great favor and gives heavenly wisdom to parents who desire and work to raise Godly children… God loves courage and perseverance, especially towards covenental commitment…
Keeping your grandchildren in mind when you make your marriage and parenting choices is real life teaching to them to make proper choices as they grow up!
Godspeed! BTW, your website is awesome! Be encouraged!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It is visions of Godly marriages like yours that will be beacons of light through this journey that is marriage. I am grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. Your wisdom is a blessing. I will definitely take your advice to heart and share it with my husband. I love him more and more each day and am so thankful that God gave me the wisdom through the Holy Spirit to marry him. We are just getting started but we are determined to see this thing through and keep God in the center of our family as we grow and raise our children for the Lord!
And thanks so much for the words of encouragement about the site. I want to be a blessing!
Take care!!
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Hannah,
Thank you for writing such an insightful post for many (old and young) to read and reflect. God does have a plan for our life, but that may or may not involve marriage, children … I never thought of my husband as my soul mate. Your post made me remember why. I think of him as the man I love and the wonderful father of our children. But he is a man, and I am just a woman. There could have been any number of choices that each of us could have made. You’re correct. It is a daily, sometimes hourly, choice to love your spouse, raise your children to know Christ, and grow in your knowledge of His ways. I thank God often for my life and my marriage to my husband of almost 23 years.
I wish you blessings.
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Yes…even through an affair [his]…substance abuse [his]…verbal abuse [maybe both]…I remember when I was a newlywed 31 yrs. ago, I saw marriage through rose-colored glasses. Then time went on and the reality of life set in. Of course, I could walk away from this marriage…but God says “No” and husband says “Please stay.” It has been a true lesson in Unconditional Love.
How did you cope? Through it all. I’m dealing with a very similar situation and I believe divorce is not in God’s plan. But I’m torn as I don’t see how the infidelity, addiction/abuse is what God wants my sons up to see either. And how do I personally live through it? I know the answer is to wait on God and pray for my husband, but I feel like those are getting to be cop out answers when nothing changes and only gets worse. How do I actually live through this while not being a doormat or enabler?
I want my marriage to last. I pray it does. I pray God works on me and changes me to more of what He created me to be daily…and I pray that God works on my husband…but how do I live realistically day by day through this?
Keep a vision for the future! Do not live in the past. When the devil gets you to call up old graves, digging up old bones and dead things, use that to trigger your thinking about the empty tomb of Jesus. Romans 5:1-5 (et al) explains the purpose, process and promise when going thru trials. Grace and service to others! Family and generational vision! Get help! For some, the reason they get married is not enough to stay married. Sometimes you have to reevaluate your life’s purposes. God shows favor to commitment and courage!
The best part of growing up in marriage-living is learning to put less emphasis on sin-living and more on grace-living…especially on the source of Grace, God through His Son Jesus Christ, Who conquered sin’s power thru His unconditional love. Romans 5:1-5
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May someone please clarify what this article is trying to say?
Ally, have you read any of the comments to the article? Much explanation there. In summary, the author is saying that while she approached marriage with an understanding that her husband would be her “soul mate” and the relationship would be so ordained by God that it would be perfect and love would be easy. However, as she has matured and experienced a couple of years of marriage she came to learn that the “soul mate” notion for a perfect relationship is a false understanding. On the contrary to the “soul mate” notion of marriage, love is not a feeling, but rather an act of the will. Marriage-love will not occur, grow, or thrive without maturity. The problem is that when teens are focusing on the perfect spouse it is done with a teen mindset, the “super best friends forever” viewpoint…which is summarized in the “soul mate” notion. The author realized one day that is not a proper or true perspective and wrote this article. Hoe that helps.
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I’m new to this site, and was so blessed and delighted to of read your heartfelt blog about soul mates. I am letting go of those new age concepts and in agreement with the conclusion you’ve reached and your daddy. Thank you!
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this is certainly something out of the norm and definitely worth ponder upon. both as a relatively new believer and even newer girlfriend, i think this is something I can relate to.
God has already given the faithful and firm believer everything that is needed to find a proper spouse. Does that person bring you closer to God, or draw you away from Him? If you aren’t sure, you’re not mature enough to find a mate. Most of us weren’t, and many still aren’t after years of marriage. Our society and pop culture don’t help at all, either. The values you hear most celebrities and secular magazine articles espousing are very much anti-God. You need a strong relationship with God to know if someone strengthens or weakens it.
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Reblogged this on A Christian Journey and commented:
I’ve been slow to pick up on this post, which apparently took the Internet by storm last year, but having just read it, and finding it so in tune with the way I believe God views us and our choices, I felt compelled to ‘reblog’…
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Amen. I have to admit I was convinced to do the no kissing, no dating deal with my first marriage. All I can say is grace for the second marriage. It is refreshing to here this concept of fun reality! Thanks for sharing..and by the way…I was pregnant before the first wedding.
This is great stuff. Everyone needs your dad’s sage advice, myself included, so thanks for sharing it with the world.
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Reblogged this on onlywhitekids and commented:
Great Words!
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Greetings from California! I’m bored to death at work so
I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break.
I enjoy the info you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home.
I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my phone ..
I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, good blog!
I need to to thank you for this fantastic read!! I certainly loved every bit of it. I’ve got you book-marked to check out new things you post|
Persevering the “…for better or for worse…” part of the marriage promise is the defining factor. While some marriages fail in the “better” stages of life and some fail in the “worse” stages of life, marriage will always struggle and be at risk to fail t in the “selfishness” stages of life.
I disagree. Simply because who even uses such an outdated term outside Disney princesses? Soulmate? What are we teaching our daughters? Frankly, this barely warrants comment it’s that bad. Stop trying to signify your place in the world. Stop trying to define yourself as something unique. Isn’t it enough that you are person, healthy, wise and free to speak? Must you reinvent the wheel?
Dear Carrie,
when it comes to human nature, there is no such thing as “outdated” since people are the same now as ever before. Where have you been? “Soulmate” is a very commonly used term and has significant meaning to most people, especially folks who have a heart that seeks to have and to grow in relationships.
When it comes to “teaching our daughters” you can be certain that they learn more from what is “caught” than what is “taught”. Based on your attack here I wonder what you are teaching yours…
A tree is known by its fruit. Based on the great number of humble, transparent, sincere replies on this blog post it appears clearly that this blogger is very fruitful and therefore a thriving tree.
Concerning your comment “Stop trying to signify your place in the world. Stop trying to define yourself as something unique.” and your application of it, this charge you make could be attributed to any blogger and anyone who responds on a blog. It’s clear the blog author has “signified her place in the world” quite well in her manner…and likewise so have you in your manner…both unique.
Concerning your challenge to the author “Isn’t it enough that you are person, healthy, wise and free to speak?” begs only one real life healthy answer: “NO!”. Any living thriving healthy dreaming human knows that it isn’t enough that you are person, healthy, wise and free to speak. Why? Because having such is a grand blessing and must be used wisely with a response in kind… otherwise it leads to a wasted ungrateful life. “that you are person, healthy, wise and free to speak” must be held with great thanks, protected with great courage, made use of with full respect to the provider(s) of such freedom and opportunity, and made the most of for the benefit of others.
Concerning your question “Must you reinvent the wheel?” is wrongly asked. This metaphor would be more aptly stated in actual meaning as “Must you repeat the wisdom of the ages.”? The reason this current generation is so decadent is primarily that they were not taught the wisdom of the ages and have no respect for such. Teaching others about the “wheel” and how it “works” is not reinventing the wheel, it is giving foundational truths to use the wheel rightly.
You said you “disagree”. On what? There’s only 2 parts to disagree about based on your rhetoric: #1. The content. So it doesn’t apply to you…so what … move one. It applies to more than an 1000 others. Why rain on their parade? 2. Or do you “disagree” with the author’s role in life? That’s makes your comment on this blog an even sadder item. I challenge you to take some sincere time and effort to find the deep hidden truths in this blog post and the numerous comments real people have shared… and while searching I hope you find joy and peace. While searching, make sure you are looking through the right end of the telescope. God bless!
PS: BTW to Christians the word is “kindred spirit”… with each other and with God.
Well said! Obviously the original blog is worth reading and has offered lots of things to think about; otherwise, it would not still be getting responses over a year later. I am sure that most of us who blog would be delighted with the activity received by this blog. My congratulations to the writer of “My husband is not my soulmate” – you did well.
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Uh… Okay, I agree that a spouse is not a Biblical promise. And I agree that when it comes to “being in love”, you can’t always know who your future spouse is, so God might allow you to love other people before your spouse–and that’s fine as long as you’re careful not to lose any of your heart with them if He has someone else for you. However–whether or not you marry is a specific element in God’s plan for your life, and if it’s His will for you to be married, then the specific person is a part of that–He made someone for you, and anyone else would be bad for you. I’m a calvinist.
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Reblogged this on madamdivinity's Blog and commented:
Amazing insight!
This still remains one of the best things I’ve ever read on the Internet!
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Reblogged this on Jarukanya.
Great article! 🙂 I have just too many thoughts to tell why I’m agree on a lot of aspects you wrote about. Although for me there is one point I disagree on. I am not sure if all relationshisps that are great ones at a certain time will be also good and helpful for becoming more like Christ at another time in the very far future. I do believe that for some couples divorce can be the way to do that – sorry, I know, I’m not a catholic. But: I do believe that your will/decision is what makes any relationship to work for longer than just the first infatuation, sometimes forever. Actually I believe that the 2 persons do not have to be the same at all, but does have to have the will to compromise and first of all the will to love the other person.
Thank you for the great post, I enjoyed it a lot! And I wish for you two to be happy and grow forever in your marriage! 🙂
I’m looking for the woman of my life, a woman who is ready to live with me. Nobody is perfect, so leave aside the stereotypes and focus our attention on what people really want from the life: Mainly my partner knows what she really wants in the life (referring particularly in relationships). Secondarily, I’m attracted by physically not beautiful women (appreciated below average), if she is a bit large is better. Conservative woman is a must for me, counting I’m a very devoted Christian. I dislike barbies that do not consider true women.
I describe myself like a simple man rich of values, honest and sincere. My principal characteristic is to be altruist with others, sometimes I take care of others better than me, but with my defects as all people have.
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Reblogged this on LAV Stories and commented:
A new perspective…. Humorously breaking the #churchy mindset.
Can I say, Love is a choice and Love is a commitment? 🙂
+1 all the way
Haha! I relate to almost everything… Including the embarrassing journal. I had an honest talk with my fiancé tonight where he bluntly said “I love you, I will always be faithful to you, but we don’t have a soulmate connection. We made an incredible human together [our 14 month old daughter], but you know just as well as I do that we lack that spark and real connection.” I know it is true. I want to have that crazy in love “we belong together!!” sentiment like I had with an old flame. He was a scumbag. My fiancé isn’t. He is great, and gives me attention, stability, and a certain kind of love. Our wedding is postponed… My decision. Sometimes
I wonder if I am holding onto that “soulmate” thing too much. He certainly seems fine being partners for life, even without that “something special.” Your blog gave me a great perspective. My early Christian upbringing really messed with my expectations! Lol 🙂
1 Thessalonians 5:23. Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Please understand that you cannot relate consistently at the “soul” level, it is always changing. However, when you were born again your spirit became like Jesus and it was sealed as righteous for all eternity.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Hebrews 10:12-14 12 But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down at the right hand of God, 13 from that time waiting till His enemies are made His footstool. 14 For by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being sanctified..
If you base your relationship on Christ and relate to each other first spiritually, then the thoughts and concerns in your heart will always be in proper agreement, regardless how you feel or the circumstances.
Soul-mate connections are illusive, fleeting and never last. But if there is first a spiritual bond, then the renewing of your soul follows your spirit as you mature as a Christian. The soul responds to the spirit in daily renewal.
Ephesians 4:23-24 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.
2 Corinthians 5:17-19 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 18 Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.”
If it is always about how you feel or you are the primary concern in all things, then it will always be soulish and carnal and disappointing, and only looking for a soul-mate connection. If your focus is from your spirit, from your renewed heart, then it will always be about others, especially your children.
God’s promises are true and when you chose His ways, you will have His power to persevere thru the spirit, otherwise you are trying to persevere life from your soul and you will always be mentally exhausted, always looking from refreshing in worldly sources: entertainment, feel-better methods, etc. But in God’s way you are in the spirit of reconciliation, in ministry, in caring for others, and God refreshes you thru the spirit daily as you relate to Him together in “spirit and in truth.”
Marriage is more wonderful than you can imagine, but only so with your spiritual focus, not soulish.
1. Marry the guy and give a lifetime of blessing to your child. God will reward you for that decision.
2. Study the “one Another” verses in the Bible.
Click to access 59one_another_scriptures.pdf
The main way to get God about you is to not make your life about you; make it first about relating to God in spirit and in truth and then ministering to those He has blessed you with. Seek you first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you. And by all means, Call Him “Abba Daddy”. Come to Him boldly. You may think He is judging your past… When He looks at you He sees Jesus, Who dealt with all sin once and for all forever…Who is in your sealed spirit. Just as when the Israelite came to the priest with his spotless lamb, the priest didn’t look at the person bringing the lamb, he looked at the lamb. So it is with now with your Father in heaven,
Be blessed… and don’t judge your life until you are old… live for the sake of your grand children in mind!
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this changed my thoughts on my relationship and probably saved my marriage thank you somuch
Such good writing. Gives me some relief that choosing to love my husband is better than having to live him.
I loved that you included the fact that who you marry becomes “the one!” So many people who talk about this topic forget that and end up leaving room for divorce in their hearts. The fact is that scripture never allows for divorce (even in a situation of cheating) what scripture tells us is that Moses was smart enough to see that Israel would screw up and so he gave them a condition to allow them into paradise anyways, this isn’t cheating like most people assume, it is the “hardness of the heart” which is a state that as a Christian we should NEVER allow ourselves to fall into! God intends marriage for life, he could have any number of people who potentially could be your spouse, but once you have picked one there is no going back, no second chance, and no end before death do you part! Like you said, we have to choose every day to love an imperfect human who has been made perfect by the blood and grace of Christ alone!
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Great article. Many people think Christianity is a set of moves that God had already dictated for us. Where as we are free to make choices with his support
True, we are free to make choices with his support, often times though the Spirit leads where the flesh doesn’t want to be led and it is for the Christian to decide whether they will be Spirit-led or flesh-led. If every choice of spouse would land us a happy ending, we wouldn’t have had so many sad marriages within the Church and a divorce rate almost at par with secular marriages if not higher. “I set before you life and death” he says, giving us a free will to choose both, but it doesn’t just end there, he is there to guide, to say, “choose life!” Some relationships can be just like that, life-giving!
Correctly said, Christina! After 42 years of marriage I am still learning to be Christ-like in my marriage. Why? For a better marriage? No exactly! The pursuit of a better marriage for the sake of the marriage does not result as one would think. Marriage cannot be seen as a goal to achieve. I came to realize that as I matured in marriage the reason I got married was not the reason I stayed married. Too often when one is first married he/she seeks to get his/her love, joy peace, etc from the spouse. I did that.. Rather, I daily pursue relationship with Christ and this is the only source of fruit of a great marriage and family. This pursuit opens the eyes of my understanding more and more. I have come to learn that I have love, joy, peace, etc first from Christ alone, and this thru my contented spirit also gives such to my wife, and her to me. I came to learn that whenever there was a struggle between us, then I have more growth coming. A “missional” mindset toward one’s spouse is a framework for humility and establishing an attitude for Christ to work in me, thru me. The Lord has a great promise in Isaiah 26:3 that He will keep him in perfect peace who keeps his mind stayed upon the Lord. Be blessed! M in SD
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Dear Hannah – I have to say you are right in your evaluation of your silly (i would say ego-based) dream of a soulmate sweeping you away into love stardust. Unfortunately your conclusion is completely wrong.
I followed this exact stream of thought and decision-making. What I didn’t realize at the time was that both beliefs were extreme, and in error. I married like you, and for 20 years I did all work, was a devoted Christian, made the appropriate sacrifices, yada yada yada. In the end we got divorced. My sacrifices all a waste, as I discovered that in order to maintain a relationship for the sake of the relationship and children, had the joy and love in my soul slowly dying.
There is a false belief that there’s a perfect someone out there before we have found how to live in flow/spirit – that is wrong.
There’s also the belief that hard work is what gives a rewarding long-term relationship – it too isn’t a magic bullet. Over the years it gets dryer and more brittle like wood unseasoned.
There is a time for everything. I have since buried all the beliefs that held me captive to both those ways of thinking. I rediscovered my wild core, finding out more freely who I was and learned how to not be air or rock, but WATER.
Hannah
Hi, my name is Misty. I am in my 4th marriage. The first 3 was all me, not waiting on the Lord. I am a strong woman of Faith. I am a mother of 6 children. Even if your husband is not your soul mate, ALL THINGS work together for the good, for those who love God. It is about your offspring. So that we Will raise up a Faithful generation.
I hope that this helps you. Just love your husband. God will do the rest.
Grace be with you in Jesus Christ Mighty name Amen.
Misty
For many of you men and women out there today that were very extremely blessed by God to be married with a family which you should be very thankful for what you have since you have that gift of life that many of us still don’t have that at all since we were never that blessed like you were. Hold on to each other as much as you can. And unfortunately for many of us good men out there that really would’ve wanted the very same thing which it is very difficult for us since the times today have really changed since the good old days when love was very easy to find at that time compared to today. Peace.
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Hannah,
Thanks for your article, intriguing I must say – even though 4+ years old today 🙂
I’d love to hear how you view marriage today now a couple of years in 🙂
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thanks for sharing it for us…
i understand what you mean Hannah. but take into consideration that when God says He has a plan for our lives, He did not make any exceptions. God probably had a plan for you which involved your husband whom you are married to right now. i believe as the bible says, all good gifts are from the Lord, and marriage is a gift He has blessed you with. You just chose not to give Him credit for it.The thing is, God gave us free will. He would not force us to do anything at all that’s why He doesn’t even force people to believe in Him. When we pray, “thy will be done in our lives as it is in Heaven”‘ we surrender to His will for our lives. Have you noticed that when you worship and praise God (which is one of His will for us) , we ourselves feel wonderful and peaceful. His will is not for His sole benefit but its rather something that is good for us. Same with other aspects of our lives including marriage. God ‘s will for us, God’s choice is our choice’.God’s choice for us is that which will make us extremely happy. Of course as He says, narrow is the way, we will have tribulations and it wont all be perfect. Sometimes of course we don’t realize it immediately. So the guy you chose for yourself is GOD’S choice for you. Its God ‘s gift for you. God speaks to us. Sometimes He can even tell you who you are going to marry, that is if you ask Him. Sometimes what we think we want is not exactly in line with His plans and He warns us but some choose not to listen. He directs our paths, if we let Him, to His perfect will for us. Perhaps, without you knowing it Hannah, God ‘s plan for you involved your husband and He directed you to him as a gift to you. and you are not giving Him credit for it. See, though we have free will, in the end we control nothing. Love stories are different just as our lives are different. Just keep in mind, God has a plan for our lives, and He wants us to surrender everything to Him and trust in Him. Hence it is true, God can write our love stories as He is the author of our lives. His will for you might be for you to go out there and find a wife or a husband whom He will direct you to. God doesn’t like idleness and laziness though. The best way to know His will, is to listen to Him. because God speaks. and He said , ”my sheep know my voice and they listen to me”‘….so don’t just rely on your heart and feelings. there is a reason why the bible says the heart is treacherous.there is a reason why God says to lean not on your own understanding. Ask God.He is interested in every aspect of your life.God wants us to surrender everything unto Him…everything.no exceptions.
This is the godliest, and the most comprehensive perspective and opinion in response to this article. Thank you so very much.
I love this article it gives us back the power.I have been married 15 years and some days you’re tired of yourself let alone someone else.It helps me remember he still makes me laugh on my worst day,even if he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset.After all these years he is still the one I’m attracted to.He also loves the Lord.Women are way more emotional then men sometimes we don’t even know why we are so upset so how could they understand.Know matter what I’m feeling he is always there to listen even if he doesn’t get it.So Thank you for reminding me!
This is a fantastic post and fits perfectly with my era. As a formerly swept-up guy of the 90s evangelical movement closing in on 15 years of marriage to a slightly younger woman from that same movement (and church), I am dealing with a phenomenon I feel is probably not that uncommon… yet isn’t talked about much from my perspective. See, as a combat veteran and a much more traveled individual than I was in my younger days of youth groups, lock ins, and hayrides, I do not enjoy church (or crowds altogether). I’m not particularly religious, although I have a firm belief of a higher power that in no way do I care to expound upon or debate.
My wife, however, still lives in some sort of modern day 90s evangelical era. You know, the “rock band” church choirs. The coffee shop right inside the door of the church. That sort of thing. Recently she, unintentionally no doubt, has made me feel like my lack of interest in that life is making me fail her. I am compared to a friend and fellow combat veteran who “got right with God” and is now highly involved in the church. I get plenty of information about the single (but divorced) father of a young girl who goes to the “small group” on Sunday evenings at the pastor’s house that I don’t particularly enjoy going to and have avoided (although I am a fan of the pastor and we get along fantastically). If I stress over finances, it’s because I won’t allow God to work miracles in my life. Meanwhile, my wife stresses over the same things and takes medication for her anxiety. To me, it’s strange that my stress (and unfortunately PTSD from combat) is because I lack Jesus but her stress is a medical condition.
Add to this that after months of a good job and having my career back on track, I have multiple people approach me to say that I don’t let my wife get out enough… yet she gets out of the house 3 or 4 times as much as me. So I am being compared to better “Christian men” who are highly involved with church while I am painted as a guy who doesn’t let her get out of the house enough. Before reading this post, I had been worrying that my wife is going to leave me for a youth pastor-like person from the church. I read your blog entry and it makes sense… it lines up with me, my wife, and our background. When we married, I was interested in church and came from a heavily involved church background, but I never turned the corner and became the on-fire youth pastor who is out there saving the next generation like she imagined when we married.
I don’t know what the future holds for our relationship, but I wanted to say thank you for your logical, well-written, unique perspective. I wish you and your family the absolute best!
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This is James. Just finding out about this blog. Kind of awkward.
“My soulmate is one of the Octonauts”